The Virgin Conundrum 9/10
Title: The Virgin Conundrum
Disclaimer: JKR owns anything that is obviously hers. I own the rest. I do not make any money off this.
Characters: Draco Malfoy, Ginny Weasley, Hermione Granger, Theodore Nott, Others
Genres: Angst, Drama, Humour, Romance
Story Warnings: Epilogue? What Epilogue?, Profanity, Smut
Overall Rating: NC-17
Summary: Hermione needs to get rid of her pesky virginity for her very own reasons. The solution to that is, of course, to make a list of the boys at Hogwarts to find out which one will suit her purpose best! Draco Malfoy is at first left off her list, but when he finds out and teases her about it, she realises that maybe he has a point--after all, who would be better to take her virginity than the most gossiped about skirt chaser at Hogwarts? He's not quite as willing as she thought he'd be, though. Written to fit a prompt.
Extra Note: Thank you to mazvn and cklls for the beta and dollfaced for the banner. :)
Chapter Length: 5,150
* * *
The first thing Hermione noticed when she awoke was that she was lying on her stomach, naked, only partially covered by her duvet.
The second thing she noticed, when she moved, was that she was sore between the legs.
And the third thing she noticed was that Draco Malfoy was in her room, getting dressed.
She looked at the time. It was still very early, and it was Sunday to boot. "Why in such a hurry?" she groggily asked, startling him.
"I'm not in a hurry," he said, looking away and finishing buttoning his shirt. "I'm simply awake."
"And you were just going to leave? Like last time?"
"Didn't really see any point in waking you up."
She couldn't help but feel a little hurt about that. He preferred to make her wake up to an empty bed rather than say goodbye to her?
"Well, I'm awake now," she said, sitting up and wincing. It really hadn't felt that bad yesterday, but today it felt like she should keep to padded seats.
"You don't have to be. I'll be out of your hair in a minute."
He still didn't look at her. What was wrong? It was silly, but it almost felt like he was withdrawing from her, attempting to avoid her even though they were the only ones in the room.
"Draco?"
"Yeah?"
"Why won't you look at me?"
He finally reluctantly turned his gaze to her, and what she saw there gave her a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach. He looked... bored. Done.
"You aren't coming back, are you?" she whispered.
"What would be the point of that?" he asked, running his fingers through his hair to give it a semblance of being under control. "We already did what we set out to do. Neither of us are virgins any longer. It's time for you to forgive your Weasley and for me to finally dive into the pool of witches we have here in this place."
"You said you were turned off by most of their vapidity."
"And as I recall, you called me a name because of that. And believe me, that will change now that I know what sex feels like. It's brilliant!"
She swallowed and nodded. They'd achieved their goal. There was nothing else to gain. Apparently, once was enough to get it out of his system, so who was she to ask him to do it again? He'd done enough.
"Please close the door properly on your way out," she said, lying down with her back to him and listening for the click that signalled that he was gone before burying her face in her pillow.
At least he'd had one point in what he'd said. She'd need to sort things out with Ron. She needed to send him an owl. Today.
* * *
Draco took his sweet time walking back to his dormitory. He didn't really need to go back to bed, because he was fairly awake right now although he probably could've easily slept another hour or two in Hermione's bed if he'd been able to allow himself to.
It had felt so very nice to simply lie there, holding her close, feeling her skin against his. It had felt too nice. He'd been jolted awake by the realisation that he seemed to be developing some rather tender feelings for her.
It was bad. It was very bad. She couldn't be more wrong for him. If anybody knew about his feelings, he'd become a social pariah based on that alone. And Hermione wouldn't even want that. She'd made it clear what she wanted-sex. Sex to get even with her boyfriend.
True, she'd enjoyed the sex and had seemed like she wouldn't mind having more of it with Draco, but... he couldn't. Not when he was already having bloody feelings for her. He needed to walk away and not look back.
He needed to ignore these feelings so they'd die.
If he was lucky, they were simply a bi-product of the sex. It had felt so good that he now felt infatuated. That could be it, right?
Except he'd just realised he'd felt it before sleeping with her without knowing it. That was why he'd felt like it had to be her.
If only he'd seen this sooner, then he might've been able to avoid feeling this down about walking away. He might've had the presence of mind not to sleep with her and he wouldn't have known what it would be like to be so intimate with her and holding her naked body pressed against his all night.
He wouldn't have the knowledge that he'd been her first and it had meant fuck-all to her. He'd been nothing but a disposable dildo. He'd even almost been replaced by that Mallory bloke.
The very thought made him nauseous.
He had the worst taste in girls. The worst.
At least he'd escaped with his dignity intact.
* * *
Dear Ron.
Hermione stared at her parchment. She'd been staring at it for hours already. How did one write a letter like this? All she seemed to be able to get right was the Dear Ron part. Pathetic.
She'd also been half-hoping that Malfoy would seek her out here at the library, but of course he wouldn't. If he changed his mind, it wouldn't be this soon. Besides, she hardly needed to be his fuck buddy that he could seek out whenever nobody else was around to soothe his itch.
It hurt to be that easily discarded, even though she knew that was what she'd claimed-and thought-she'd wanted. She couldn't blame him for not wanting more. There had never been any promises. Only lust.
It wasn't his fault that she'd felt more last night. That she'd found him so sweet and sexy that she'd briefly entertained the idea of getting to know him a little better. Seeing what other sides of him there were.
She guessed she had seen another side of him. The way he'd walked out on her had been... cold. After what had happened between them only a few hours earlier, he'd been able to look through her as if she were nobody to him. As if they hadn't shared anything worth sharing.
It was very likely that it had been one-sided. She'd heard about that several times, but never understood how such a thing could be one-sided without the person knowing that it was. Now she did.
"You asked me to come here?" Ginny's hushed voice said as she took a chair next to Hermione.
Hermione nodded, forcing her mind back to the matter at hand. "This may be a bit awkward for you, but I need to write to your brother. It's taking me all day and I could use some help."
"Oh? What are you writing him?"
Hermione hesitated. "I suppose what I want to tell him is... not to wait for me."
"Really? Are you certain about that?"
Hermione nodded, swallowing her doubts. Draco had had another point, after all. Sleeping with someone else to even out her relationship with Ron had been a really bad idea, and it didn't bode well for a future relationship that she'd felt like she had to do it. She needed to end it. She needed to let Ron go so they could both-eventually-find someone they were better suited to.
"I couldn't forgive him on my own," she whispered. "It can't be helped. But I don't know how to tell him that."
"Are you doing this because you want to be with someone else?"
"No." Well, yes. Maybe. Sort of. But it didn't actually matter.
"Then I don't see why you can't give the two of you another chance."
"Because I did something incredibly petty and that's not the kind of relationship I want. Besides... I still don't think I've forgiven him completely. I'd rather be his friend than be in such an emotionally draining relationship with him. But I don't know how to tell him that and actually make him want to still be friends."
"Oh. I can see that. Let's brainstorm then."
Sometimes Hermione felt like she really undervalued Ginny as a friend. That certainly wouldn't happen again after this.
* * *
Draco stared at Theo, who had the misfortune to be sitting in the Slytherin common room right at that moment. Draco really loathed Theo. He wasn't certain why. It might be because Theo was bonking Draco's ex. Or possibly it was merely because Theo was a very, very annoying human being who liked to make smug and far too accurate calls about others' decisions.
"What?" Theo asked after several minutes.
"I don't like you."
"I figured that when you booby-trapped my bed six months ago."
Busted. Somehow Draco couldn't care less. "Ah. You knew that was me, then?"
Theo snorted. "Who else?"
"Right." He resumed his staring.
"What?"
"I simply... really don't like you."
Theo sighed. "Are we going to do this all night?"
"That's what she said!" Draco smirked, feeling rather good about being so childish.
"Then no wonder you're in such a crabby mood," Theo immediately shot back.
Draco's smile faded and he scowled at Theo. "Well, I suppose I'd best get going," he said, getting up.
"Oh, do you have to? I'll miss you dreadfully," Theo deadpanned.
"I'd love to stay and chat, but I have a date with your girlfriend."
Theo raised an eyebrow. "Pansy?"
Draco nodded. "Yes... Something about being madly in lust with me and needing to see me somewhere dark and private. Come to think of it, I don't think I was supposed to tell you about it."
"So she's helping you with your Potions homework again, huh?"
Draco scowled once more. Insufferable git. It would be nice if Theo would for once have the tiniest bit of doubt in his girlfriend.
Leaving the Slytherin common room, Draco strolled down to the Potions classroom, where his ex was impatiently waiting for him.
"You're late," she immediately said.
"Sorry. I had a deep and meaningful conversation with your boyfriend."
She rolled her eyes. "Sooner or later you'll have to stop bothering him all the time."
"I prefer it to be later."
She bared her teeth at him, but of course never withdrew her offer to help him with his homework. Guilt at its finest. "So," she said, "Once again, you've managed to land yourself an extra essay. Congratulations!"
"Hey! I don't try to do that!"
"I honestly don't see why you aren't better at keeping your gap shut even after several months."
Draco found that to be extremely unfair. He kept his gap shut all the time! "I merely suggested to this really ugly bloke whose name escapes me that the best bet he had with the girl he was mooning after would be-"
Pansy held up her hand. "I can guess. Your note does say you were instructed to come here and 'poke' Slughorn's Amortentia that he'd leave out and then write seventeen and a half inches about it. Didn't we do love potions a long time ago?"
Draco groaned. "Yes! And can you believe that? Seventeen and a half inches!"
"Then best get to work!" She went over to the cauldron. "What do you see?" she asked.
He explained the mother-of-pearl sheen and other characteristics in a dull voice whilst scribbling down half-hearted notes. Couldn't he copy this out of a book?
"What do you smell?" she then asked.
He glared at her. "I think that's too personal to put in an essay."
"Seventeen and a half inches, Draco. I think your best approach is to smell it and build your essay up around why you think you smell those things."
"Um, because I love them?"
She sighed. "Amortentia is not actually about love, Draco."
"It isn't?"
"No! I mean, you can love what you smell, but it's generally only what you're most drawn to." She took a deep breath and smiled. "One of my favourites is pancakes."
"Aww. And here I thought I really loved sex," he sarcastically said.
"You don't smell sex."
"Do too!"
"Are you really going to put that in your essay?" She shot him a don't-be-stupid look.
"Hey, I said it was too personal..."
"You're impossible. Then let's find another-"
"Hey, Pansy?" he suddenly said.
"What?"
What, indeed? He wasn't entirely certain what he'd intended to say to her. Maybe this was as good a time as any to signal to her that she wasn't to blame for his surly self. "Why don't you leave? I got this. Go be with your boyfriend."
"No, I promised I'd help and-"
"You don't get it, do you?" he cut in. "There's no reason for you to feel so guilty. I never blamed you for leaving me for him. It was the better choice."
That stopped her in her tracks. "What?"
"I forgave you almost immediately. You only hurt my pride a little."
Her jaw fell open and she sputtered, "That's not true! Since then, you've been after Theo every chance you got! And you haven't exactly been kind to me either!"
"No, but to be quite fair, you're smothering me. And you're so disgustingly happy and in love and both so secure in one another..." That was the only thing he was jealous of. He never had anything like that. "Why wasn't it like that with us?"
"But you and I-"
"Never had that. We both know this. I'm not saying we never had feelings for each other, but it was less... solid."
"I see." She folded her arms. "But if you're so envious of love, then how come that's not what you 'smell'?"
He stared at the cauldron, the scent of sunshine and passion clear to him, even though he couldn't explain how. "Oh, I fear it is..."
* * *
Draco Malfoy was everywhere and it made Hermione miserable. She could somewhat forget what had happened and how she'd felt about it as long as she didn't have to be reminded that he existed-but there he was! In her classes, walking her halls, eating in her Great Hall. It was almost as if he lived at the same school.
She even saw him at the library a few times, but he never talked to her or even acknowledged her. Not even once. He acted like she didn't exist and she hated that feeling.
She wished she'd never decided to come on to him.
She wished she'd never as much as kissed him.
She wished he'd kept saying no to her.
Most of all, she wished that she'd managed to stay true to herself and keep her feelings out of this.
She didn't need to feel this way about someone who didn't give a rat's backside about her. He'd been in lust with her, yes, but as soon as that lust had been sated, he'd obviously found something-or someone-more interesting to do. She deserved better.
She'd certainly learned her lesson. She couldn't be casual about sex. Some people had the luxury of not getting attached, but evidently not her. She supposed there wouldn't be a second time for her until she found someone she could fall in love with. But in order to do that she had to fall out of-
Well, really, she wouldn't call it love, this thing. More like... infatuation. And a burning desire for him to smile at her again. And kiss her. And hold her at night.
Bah.
This was so unfair. And now she saw him flirting with other girls, and each time it added another cut to an already open wound, but there was nothing she could do, nothing she could say, so she simply had to pretend the wound didn't exist.
She really needed a cure for this. And fast.
* * *
Slughorn had had it in for Draco all year, so he generally had to make the trip to the Potions classroom at least once a week for some stupid extra project or other. He could technically refuse, but he needed good statements from his teachers, so he had to jump whenever asked to. It was odd, really. Professor Slughorn had used to avoid Draco like the plague, but now it was like he felt the need to try to improve on the youngest Malfoy by assigning him extra work and keeping him out of trouble.
This Monday was no different.
Except that when Draco entered the Potions classroom, someone else was there.
"Hermione?" he asked before he realised what he was doing. So much for pretending they weren't in the same dimension.
She turned around so fast she almost dropped what she was holding. "What?" she stammered. "I mean... You aren't supposed to be here!"
"I have a deal with Slughorn," he replied. "What are you doing here?" He narrowed his eyes, focusing on the phial of brown liquid she was trying to hide. "What's that?"
"Something I... need. An antidote for someone. Slughorn said I could have it. Carry on!"
She attempted to brush out past him, but something was off, so he quickly swiped the phial from her. "Doesn't look like an antidote."
"Give it back!" she quickly said, attempting to grab it, but he kept it outside her reach, contemplating the colour. It was rather murky. "I swear," she said, her voice slightly quivering, "if you don't give it back, I'll report you!"
He looked down at her. "I don't think you can do that," he softly replied. "Because I don't think you're supposed to take this."
"Want to test me?"
"I know what this is, Hermione. I had to include it in an essay last week." In order to reach his seventeen and a half inches about love potions, he’d included something about how it was cancelled out by hate potions and vice versa. It had gone surprisingly well and Slughorn had awarded him an Exceeds Expectations for his observations.
But there really weren't that many other uses for hate potion than to reverse the effects of a love potion or, alternately, try to fall out of love with someone. It didn’t actually make you hate the other person, it just made you able to see their worst flaws. It was a good way to help cure an infatuation.
She deflated a little. "It's for a friend. She's rather badly off. So can I please just have it?"
"And did this friend accidentally drink a love potion?"
"Yes!"
"It'll wear off. You don't need this, then."
"Damn it, Draco!"
He shook his head, not quite understanding. "I thought you were happy getting back with Weasley. Why do you want to fall out of love with him?"
She stared at him and then shook her head. "It's not for me."
"We both know it is."
She watched him for an unnervingly long time. "You're right. But what can I do? He cheated on me. I want it to be gone, Draco. Please give it to me."
Something didn't add up. "You cheated right back."
"That wasn't cheating. And, besides, he... he did it again, all right?"
He stared at her in disbelief. "He did it twice?" What kind of idiot would keep throwing something that good away?
"Shh, not so loud. Can I have it now?"
"How can you still love that arsehole after what he did to you?"
"I don't know! But that's why I want the cure!"
He hesitantly handed it to her. "He doesn't deserve you."
She snorted as she grabbed the phial. "Believe me. I know."
"You shouldn't have to drink this vile thing to get past him."
"I know that too," she said, opening the phial. "Cheers!" Then she drank deeply. He winced in sympathy when she pulled a face. "Oh, God," she said, all but retching. "That is vile!"
"Worse than sperm?" he couldn't help but ask, grinning.
She shot him a shocked look but seemed to quickly recover. "Far worse."
"Well, in that case, it's good to know that you'll eventually learn to swallow." He really shouldn't tease her like that but... he couldn't help it. He'd like to think that it didn't have anything to do with the steps she'd just taken to free herself of Weasley.
"Oh, crap," she groaned.
"What?"
"Shouldn't this be instantaneous?"
"Yes, it should."
She made another face. "Then apparently I saw y-his faults quite clearly before. At least I don't feel any change yet."
"No change at all?" He was strangely disappointed. "Perhaps you love him too much." True love would be loving someone no matter their flaws, wouldn’t it? He had no doubt that Hermione was capable of loving Weasley that way. After all, she’d gone to great lengths to forgive him that he’d lost his virginity to someone else.
"I really hope not." She sounded rather miserable at that prospect.
"If it doesn't begin to work, I guess you'll have to get over him the old-fashioned way."
"Yeah..." she muttered. "I guess. It's simply not that easy, you know?"
"I definitely know," he replied. "Everyone's tried it, I think."
"Even you?"
"Of course.”
"Ah, Pansy."
"Yeah... Pansy..." He could hardly tell her the truth. How would that even go? 'Oh, hey, sorry that you're struggling with getting over your misplaced love for your ex, but does it help that I love you and wish you could be mine?’ No. He certainly didn't think so.
* * *
Who would’ve thought that taking a hate potion, whilst looking the bugger straight in the face and having everything that should make him undesirable made clear to her, would do exactly nothing.
Hermione already knew Draco was an unapologetic bigot. She already knew he could be cruel. She already knew he’d manipulate anyone to achieve his own goals. She already knew he’d done awful things during the war. She already knew he’d rather mess about than be with her. She already knew he wasn’t opposed to telling pretty lies. She already knew he regarded witches as mere objects. She already knew... she already knew everything, and being reminded did nothing.
She still saw that gentleness in him and missed it. And she missed his teasing and caresses and the way he warred with her cat over the pillow.
She hated being so weak.
The hate potion had been an act of desperation. A way to cleanse herself. And it had failed.
Now she didn’t know what to do.
* * *
“Tell me again why you’re still helping me,” Draco said to Pansy, who was walking with him to the library. “Don’t get me wrong, I love rubbing spending time with you in your boyfriend’s face, but I thought we’d cleared up all this guilt of yours.”
“I’m not doing it because I feel guilty, stupid. I’m doing it to be a friend," she huffed.
“Ah. Friend.” He frowned. “You know, I don’t think I have any of those.”
She swatted the back of his head. “I just told you that I am one, you arse!”
“Hey!” He ducked. Why did witches always want to hit him? “Sorry. I meant any other friends.”
“Of course you don’t. You’re a complete tosser to anyone who tries to befriend you. You prefer to have minions.”
She'd certainly developed a habit of scolding him lately. Maybe she was a bit annoyed that he'd let her feel guilty for so long for no reason.
“That sounds about right,” he mildly replied.
“But I think that you’re actually lonely.”
“Of course you do. You’re a girl.”
She swatted his head again-harder this time.
“Ow! Watch it!”
“I’m going to beat that attitude out of you sooner or later.”
“But it’s true!" he insisted. "You birds always think there’s some kind of deep, meaningful reason behind everything. Why do you think I get away with being such a tosser?”
“So you’re going to deny that you’re lonely?” she challenged.
“I’m fine.”
“So I haven’t actually seen you go out of your way to be near people lately?”
“It doesn’t mean that I’m lonely merely because I can’t stand being alone.”
She snorted and shot him a sideways glance. “Uh, it kind of does.”
“Oh. No... I don’t think so.”
“You know what I really think?”
“What?”
“I think you fancy someone and it’s making you depressed.”
He felt himself shut down in the face of this topic. “And I think this conversation is over.”
“You don’t have to tell me who.”
“Good.”
“But there is someone, right?”
“Not going there, Pansy.”
“Sometimes talking about it helps,” she coaxed.
“And what exactly should I say?”
“Is it because she doesn’t want you?”
“Yes.” It was surprisingly easy to admit like this. Also, maybe that would let Pansy remember some tact.
“That’s the worst... I’m sorry.”
“That’s all right. It's my own fault.”
“Now you’re being silly. You can’t control who you fall for.”
He snorted. “That's not true. I could’ve controlled some of the situations leading up to it. I could’ve avoided her. I could’ve turned her down. I could’ve stayed out of her bed...”
“Wait, you slept with her?”
“Like I said, I was asking for it.”
“She only wanted sex?”
“Yeah. At least with me.” Besides, he could hardly imagine what it would be like to actually be involved with her. His family certainly wouldn't approve. But maybe those kisses would be worth it...
“How did she react when you told her how you felt?”
He snorted a surprised laugh. “What, are you stupid? I couldn’t tell her that.”
“Then how can you be certain she doesn’t want you?”
“Because she was running straight back to her ex after. And she’d said so multiple times before that. Only sex. Only one night.”
"Hmm..."
"What?"
"You know me and Theo?"
"Are you going to preach based on your superior knowledge about relationships?"
"Shut up. No, I'm not. But... that's kind of how Theo and I started."
"What?"
"Well, obviously you weren't my ex. But I kept saying that each meeting would be the last, that I'd return to you and be the girlfriend I felt you deserved."
He glared at her for a moment before saying, "You're making this up, aren't you?"
"No! I felt so guilty for betraying you after all those years. It wasn't until you caught us and Theo told me I had to choose between the two of you that I realised I had a choice. We'd been together for so long that I thought I owed you to stay with you."
Lovely! He'd been an obligation! "She doesn't feel obligated to stay with him."
"Are you so certain about that?"
"Yeah, because they're breaking up now anyway."
"And you don't think you have anything to do with that?"
He shook his head. "No, she said he cheated on her."
"So you talked to her about this?"
"Only because I caught her stealing a hate potion."
"Ouch."
"And she even said it didn't work. How can I compete with some wanker who can keep sleeping with other witches and still have her love him?" It was so unfair. He'd already proven that he couldn't do that, even if he wanted to.
"He's done it before?"
"In a way. It's complicated, all right?"
"Now I kind of want to know who she is."
"Not on your life."
"But it sounds like she realised on her own that he's bad for her. How do you know she's ruling you out as a prospect?"
"Because... she has a lot of reason to do that. We're a really bad fit."
"How so?"
"That's also complicated." To say the least.
"Is she a half-blood?"
Close enough. "What if I said yes?"
"Then I'd ask you how much you love her."
"Why? What does it matter?"
"Does the purity of your lineage really matter more to you than your own happiness?"
"Easy for you to say. You fell for a pure-blood."
She shrugged. "I told you sleeping around like that would come back to haunt you."
"It certainly did. Aren't you happy now?"
"No. Why doesn't she want you, then? Because of your attitude towards blood status?"
"That's some of it."
"Obviously, you'll have to choose between her and those ideals."
"A choice that could cost me my family, all my friends-"
"I thought we agreed that you only have one friend. Me."
She had a point there. "Would you stand by me?"
"Certainly."
"Would Theo allow that?"
"Theo knows better than to think he has a say in what I can and cannot do," she calmly stated, making Draco almost feel sorry for Theo. But only almost.
"But could it cost you your relationship to sympathise with a blood traitor?"
"No."
"You're completely certain about that?"
"Absolutely."
"That has to be a nice feeling."
"It is."
"Right. Then I'd only lose my family. Not a problem at all!"
"I don't mean to be judgemental here, Draco, but if your parents would cut you out of their lives over this, then they need a priority check. Didn't the war teach us anything?"
"Don't associate with psychopaths?" he half-joked.
"And that those we love can be gone in the blink of an eye. The scariest thing isn't blood contamination. It's those that would use the issue of blood contamination to spread death and destruction wherever they go, killing Muggles and wizards alike."
"Like I said-don't associate with psychopaths."
"Make all the jokes you want, Draco," she said, shaking her head.
"You yourself got on my case about pursuing... who was it again?" He faked not remembering, so he wouldn't give himself away.
"That was different! It was Granger! For one thing, she's Muggle-born, which people will react more strongly towards than half-blood, and for another, she's... Granger. I can't stand her. She can do no wrong. Did you know she actually participated in an unauthorised party and got drunk, yet nobody as much as docked her any house points? And she's supposed to be our Head Girl! Hah!"
Draco couldn't keep his lips from twitching. "I did know that, actually. I was helping her at the library at that time." And that had been the first time he'd kissed her. The thought made his smile fade. He really wished that had never happened.
"Why didn't you report her?"
"What? And risk her giving me a bad review? Sorry, love. Not even for you."
She only pouted in response to that, but Draco had received the message. She'd be fully behind him if he wanted to be with a half-blood, but if he wanted Hermione Granger, he was on his own.
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Disclaimer: JKR owns anything that is obviously hers. I own the rest. I do not make any money off this.
Characters: Draco Malfoy, Ginny Weasley, Hermione Granger, Theodore Nott, Others
Genres: Angst, Drama, Humour, Romance
Story Warnings: Epilogue? What Epilogue?, Profanity, Smut
Overall Rating: NC-17
Summary: Hermione needs to get rid of her pesky virginity for her very own reasons. The solution to that is, of course, to make a list of the boys at Hogwarts to find out which one will suit her purpose best! Draco Malfoy is at first left off her list, but when he finds out and teases her about it, she realises that maybe he has a point--after all, who would be better to take her virginity than the most gossiped about skirt chaser at Hogwarts? He's not quite as willing as she thought he'd be, though. Written to fit a prompt.
Extra Note: Thank you to mazvn and cklls for the beta and dollfaced for the banner. :)
Chapter Length: 5,150
* * *
The first thing Hermione noticed when she awoke was that she was lying on her stomach, naked, only partially covered by her duvet.
The second thing she noticed, when she moved, was that she was sore between the legs.
And the third thing she noticed was that Draco Malfoy was in her room, getting dressed.
She looked at the time. It was still very early, and it was Sunday to boot. "Why in such a hurry?" she groggily asked, startling him.
"I'm not in a hurry," he said, looking away and finishing buttoning his shirt. "I'm simply awake."
"And you were just going to leave? Like last time?"
"Didn't really see any point in waking you up."
She couldn't help but feel a little hurt about that. He preferred to make her wake up to an empty bed rather than say goodbye to her?
"Well, I'm awake now," she said, sitting up and wincing. It really hadn't felt that bad yesterday, but today it felt like she should keep to padded seats.
"You don't have to be. I'll be out of your hair in a minute."
He still didn't look at her. What was wrong? It was silly, but it almost felt like he was withdrawing from her, attempting to avoid her even though they were the only ones in the room.
"Draco?"
"Yeah?"
"Why won't you look at me?"
He finally reluctantly turned his gaze to her, and what she saw there gave her a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach. He looked... bored. Done.
"You aren't coming back, are you?" she whispered.
"What would be the point of that?" he asked, running his fingers through his hair to give it a semblance of being under control. "We already did what we set out to do. Neither of us are virgins any longer. It's time for you to forgive your Weasley and for me to finally dive into the pool of witches we have here in this place."
"You said you were turned off by most of their vapidity."
"And as I recall, you called me a name because of that. And believe me, that will change now that I know what sex feels like. It's brilliant!"
She swallowed and nodded. They'd achieved their goal. There was nothing else to gain. Apparently, once was enough to get it out of his system, so who was she to ask him to do it again? He'd done enough.
"Please close the door properly on your way out," she said, lying down with her back to him and listening for the click that signalled that he was gone before burying her face in her pillow.
At least he'd had one point in what he'd said. She'd need to sort things out with Ron. She needed to send him an owl. Today.
* * *
Draco took his sweet time walking back to his dormitory. He didn't really need to go back to bed, because he was fairly awake right now although he probably could've easily slept another hour or two in Hermione's bed if he'd been able to allow himself to.
It had felt so very nice to simply lie there, holding her close, feeling her skin against his. It had felt too nice. He'd been jolted awake by the realisation that he seemed to be developing some rather tender feelings for her.
It was bad. It was very bad. She couldn't be more wrong for him. If anybody knew about his feelings, he'd become a social pariah based on that alone. And Hermione wouldn't even want that. She'd made it clear what she wanted-sex. Sex to get even with her boyfriend.
True, she'd enjoyed the sex and had seemed like she wouldn't mind having more of it with Draco, but... he couldn't. Not when he was already having bloody feelings for her. He needed to walk away and not look back.
He needed to ignore these feelings so they'd die.
If he was lucky, they were simply a bi-product of the sex. It had felt so good that he now felt infatuated. That could be it, right?
Except he'd just realised he'd felt it before sleeping with her without knowing it. That was why he'd felt like it had to be her.
If only he'd seen this sooner, then he might've been able to avoid feeling this down about walking away. He might've had the presence of mind not to sleep with her and he wouldn't have known what it would be like to be so intimate with her and holding her naked body pressed against his all night.
He wouldn't have the knowledge that he'd been her first and it had meant fuck-all to her. He'd been nothing but a disposable dildo. He'd even almost been replaced by that Mallory bloke.
The very thought made him nauseous.
He had the worst taste in girls. The worst.
At least he'd escaped with his dignity intact.
* * *
Dear Ron.
Hermione stared at her parchment. She'd been staring at it for hours already. How did one write a letter like this? All she seemed to be able to get right was the Dear Ron part. Pathetic.
She'd also been half-hoping that Malfoy would seek her out here at the library, but of course he wouldn't. If he changed his mind, it wouldn't be this soon. Besides, she hardly needed to be his fuck buddy that he could seek out whenever nobody else was around to soothe his itch.
It hurt to be that easily discarded, even though she knew that was what she'd claimed-and thought-she'd wanted. She couldn't blame him for not wanting more. There had never been any promises. Only lust.
It wasn't his fault that she'd felt more last night. That she'd found him so sweet and sexy that she'd briefly entertained the idea of getting to know him a little better. Seeing what other sides of him there were.
She guessed she had seen another side of him. The way he'd walked out on her had been... cold. After what had happened between them only a few hours earlier, he'd been able to look through her as if she were nobody to him. As if they hadn't shared anything worth sharing.
It was very likely that it had been one-sided. She'd heard about that several times, but never understood how such a thing could be one-sided without the person knowing that it was. Now she did.
"You asked me to come here?" Ginny's hushed voice said as she took a chair next to Hermione.
Hermione nodded, forcing her mind back to the matter at hand. "This may be a bit awkward for you, but I need to write to your brother. It's taking me all day and I could use some help."
"Oh? What are you writing him?"
Hermione hesitated. "I suppose what I want to tell him is... not to wait for me."
"Really? Are you certain about that?"
Hermione nodded, swallowing her doubts. Draco had had another point, after all. Sleeping with someone else to even out her relationship with Ron had been a really bad idea, and it didn't bode well for a future relationship that she'd felt like she had to do it. She needed to end it. She needed to let Ron go so they could both-eventually-find someone they were better suited to.
"I couldn't forgive him on my own," she whispered. "It can't be helped. But I don't know how to tell him that."
"Are you doing this because you want to be with someone else?"
"No." Well, yes. Maybe. Sort of. But it didn't actually matter.
"Then I don't see why you can't give the two of you another chance."
"Because I did something incredibly petty and that's not the kind of relationship I want. Besides... I still don't think I've forgiven him completely. I'd rather be his friend than be in such an emotionally draining relationship with him. But I don't know how to tell him that and actually make him want to still be friends."
"Oh. I can see that. Let's brainstorm then."
Sometimes Hermione felt like she really undervalued Ginny as a friend. That certainly wouldn't happen again after this.
* * *
Draco stared at Theo, who had the misfortune to be sitting in the Slytherin common room right at that moment. Draco really loathed Theo. He wasn't certain why. It might be because Theo was bonking Draco's ex. Or possibly it was merely because Theo was a very, very annoying human being who liked to make smug and far too accurate calls about others' decisions.
"What?" Theo asked after several minutes.
"I don't like you."
"I figured that when you booby-trapped my bed six months ago."
Busted. Somehow Draco couldn't care less. "Ah. You knew that was me, then?"
Theo snorted. "Who else?"
"Right." He resumed his staring.
"What?"
"I simply... really don't like you."
Theo sighed. "Are we going to do this all night?"
"That's what she said!" Draco smirked, feeling rather good about being so childish.
"Then no wonder you're in such a crabby mood," Theo immediately shot back.
Draco's smile faded and he scowled at Theo. "Well, I suppose I'd best get going," he said, getting up.
"Oh, do you have to? I'll miss you dreadfully," Theo deadpanned.
"I'd love to stay and chat, but I have a date with your girlfriend."
Theo raised an eyebrow. "Pansy?"
Draco nodded. "Yes... Something about being madly in lust with me and needing to see me somewhere dark and private. Come to think of it, I don't think I was supposed to tell you about it."
"So she's helping you with your Potions homework again, huh?"
Draco scowled once more. Insufferable git. It would be nice if Theo would for once have the tiniest bit of doubt in his girlfriend.
Leaving the Slytherin common room, Draco strolled down to the Potions classroom, where his ex was impatiently waiting for him.
"You're late," she immediately said.
"Sorry. I had a deep and meaningful conversation with your boyfriend."
She rolled her eyes. "Sooner or later you'll have to stop bothering him all the time."
"I prefer it to be later."
She bared her teeth at him, but of course never withdrew her offer to help him with his homework. Guilt at its finest. "So," she said, "Once again, you've managed to land yourself an extra essay. Congratulations!"
"Hey! I don't try to do that!"
"I honestly don't see why you aren't better at keeping your gap shut even after several months."
Draco found that to be extremely unfair. He kept his gap shut all the time! "I merely suggested to this really ugly bloke whose name escapes me that the best bet he had with the girl he was mooning after would be-"
Pansy held up her hand. "I can guess. Your note does say you were instructed to come here and 'poke' Slughorn's Amortentia that he'd leave out and then write seventeen and a half inches about it. Didn't we do love potions a long time ago?"
Draco groaned. "Yes! And can you believe that? Seventeen and a half inches!"
"Then best get to work!" She went over to the cauldron. "What do you see?" she asked.
He explained the mother-of-pearl sheen and other characteristics in a dull voice whilst scribbling down half-hearted notes. Couldn't he copy this out of a book?
"What do you smell?" she then asked.
He glared at her. "I think that's too personal to put in an essay."
"Seventeen and a half inches, Draco. I think your best approach is to smell it and build your essay up around why you think you smell those things."
"Um, because I love them?"
She sighed. "Amortentia is not actually about love, Draco."
"It isn't?"
"No! I mean, you can love what you smell, but it's generally only what you're most drawn to." She took a deep breath and smiled. "One of my favourites is pancakes."
"Aww. And here I thought I really loved sex," he sarcastically said.
"You don't smell sex."
"Do too!"
"Are you really going to put that in your essay?" She shot him a don't-be-stupid look.
"Hey, I said it was too personal..."
"You're impossible. Then let's find another-"
"Hey, Pansy?" he suddenly said.
"What?"
What, indeed? He wasn't entirely certain what he'd intended to say to her. Maybe this was as good a time as any to signal to her that she wasn't to blame for his surly self. "Why don't you leave? I got this. Go be with your boyfriend."
"No, I promised I'd help and-"
"You don't get it, do you?" he cut in. "There's no reason for you to feel so guilty. I never blamed you for leaving me for him. It was the better choice."
That stopped her in her tracks. "What?"
"I forgave you almost immediately. You only hurt my pride a little."
Her jaw fell open and she sputtered, "That's not true! Since then, you've been after Theo every chance you got! And you haven't exactly been kind to me either!"
"No, but to be quite fair, you're smothering me. And you're so disgustingly happy and in love and both so secure in one another..." That was the only thing he was jealous of. He never had anything like that. "Why wasn't it like that with us?"
"But you and I-"
"Never had that. We both know this. I'm not saying we never had feelings for each other, but it was less... solid."
"I see." She folded her arms. "But if you're so envious of love, then how come that's not what you 'smell'?"
He stared at the cauldron, the scent of sunshine and passion clear to him, even though he couldn't explain how. "Oh, I fear it is..."
* * *
Draco Malfoy was everywhere and it made Hermione miserable. She could somewhat forget what had happened and how she'd felt about it as long as she didn't have to be reminded that he existed-but there he was! In her classes, walking her halls, eating in her Great Hall. It was almost as if he lived at the same school.
She even saw him at the library a few times, but he never talked to her or even acknowledged her. Not even once. He acted like she didn't exist and she hated that feeling.
She wished she'd never decided to come on to him.
She wished she'd never as much as kissed him.
She wished he'd kept saying no to her.
Most of all, she wished that she'd managed to stay true to herself and keep her feelings out of this.
She didn't need to feel this way about someone who didn't give a rat's backside about her. He'd been in lust with her, yes, but as soon as that lust had been sated, he'd obviously found something-or someone-more interesting to do. She deserved better.
She'd certainly learned her lesson. She couldn't be casual about sex. Some people had the luxury of not getting attached, but evidently not her. She supposed there wouldn't be a second time for her until she found someone she could fall in love with. But in order to do that she had to fall out of-
Well, really, she wouldn't call it love, this thing. More like... infatuation. And a burning desire for him to smile at her again. And kiss her. And hold her at night.
Bah.
This was so unfair. And now she saw him flirting with other girls, and each time it added another cut to an already open wound, but there was nothing she could do, nothing she could say, so she simply had to pretend the wound didn't exist.
She really needed a cure for this. And fast.
* * *
Slughorn had had it in for Draco all year, so he generally had to make the trip to the Potions classroom at least once a week for some stupid extra project or other. He could technically refuse, but he needed good statements from his teachers, so he had to jump whenever asked to. It was odd, really. Professor Slughorn had used to avoid Draco like the plague, but now it was like he felt the need to try to improve on the youngest Malfoy by assigning him extra work and keeping him out of trouble.
This Monday was no different.
Except that when Draco entered the Potions classroom, someone else was there.
"Hermione?" he asked before he realised what he was doing. So much for pretending they weren't in the same dimension.
She turned around so fast she almost dropped what she was holding. "What?" she stammered. "I mean... You aren't supposed to be here!"
"I have a deal with Slughorn," he replied. "What are you doing here?" He narrowed his eyes, focusing on the phial of brown liquid she was trying to hide. "What's that?"
"Something I... need. An antidote for someone. Slughorn said I could have it. Carry on!"
She attempted to brush out past him, but something was off, so he quickly swiped the phial from her. "Doesn't look like an antidote."
"Give it back!" she quickly said, attempting to grab it, but he kept it outside her reach, contemplating the colour. It was rather murky. "I swear," she said, her voice slightly quivering, "if you don't give it back, I'll report you!"
He looked down at her. "I don't think you can do that," he softly replied. "Because I don't think you're supposed to take this."
"Want to test me?"
"I know what this is, Hermione. I had to include it in an essay last week." In order to reach his seventeen and a half inches about love potions, he’d included something about how it was cancelled out by hate potions and vice versa. It had gone surprisingly well and Slughorn had awarded him an Exceeds Expectations for his observations.
But there really weren't that many other uses for hate potion than to reverse the effects of a love potion or, alternately, try to fall out of love with someone. It didn’t actually make you hate the other person, it just made you able to see their worst flaws. It was a good way to help cure an infatuation.
She deflated a little. "It's for a friend. She's rather badly off. So can I please just have it?"
"And did this friend accidentally drink a love potion?"
"Yes!"
"It'll wear off. You don't need this, then."
"Damn it, Draco!"
He shook his head, not quite understanding. "I thought you were happy getting back with Weasley. Why do you want to fall out of love with him?"
She stared at him and then shook her head. "It's not for me."
"We both know it is."
She watched him for an unnervingly long time. "You're right. But what can I do? He cheated on me. I want it to be gone, Draco. Please give it to me."
Something didn't add up. "You cheated right back."
"That wasn't cheating. And, besides, he... he did it again, all right?"
He stared at her in disbelief. "He did it twice?" What kind of idiot would keep throwing something that good away?
"Shh, not so loud. Can I have it now?"
"How can you still love that arsehole after what he did to you?"
"I don't know! But that's why I want the cure!"
He hesitantly handed it to her. "He doesn't deserve you."
She snorted as she grabbed the phial. "Believe me. I know."
"You shouldn't have to drink this vile thing to get past him."
"I know that too," she said, opening the phial. "Cheers!" Then she drank deeply. He winced in sympathy when she pulled a face. "Oh, God," she said, all but retching. "That is vile!"
"Worse than sperm?" he couldn't help but ask, grinning.
She shot him a shocked look but seemed to quickly recover. "Far worse."
"Well, in that case, it's good to know that you'll eventually learn to swallow." He really shouldn't tease her like that but... he couldn't help it. He'd like to think that it didn't have anything to do with the steps she'd just taken to free herself of Weasley.
"Oh, crap," she groaned.
"What?"
"Shouldn't this be instantaneous?"
"Yes, it should."
She made another face. "Then apparently I saw y-his faults quite clearly before. At least I don't feel any change yet."
"No change at all?" He was strangely disappointed. "Perhaps you love him too much." True love would be loving someone no matter their flaws, wouldn’t it? He had no doubt that Hermione was capable of loving Weasley that way. After all, she’d gone to great lengths to forgive him that he’d lost his virginity to someone else.
"I really hope not." She sounded rather miserable at that prospect.
"If it doesn't begin to work, I guess you'll have to get over him the old-fashioned way."
"Yeah..." she muttered. "I guess. It's simply not that easy, you know?"
"I definitely know," he replied. "Everyone's tried it, I think."
"Even you?"
"Of course.”
"Ah, Pansy."
"Yeah... Pansy..." He could hardly tell her the truth. How would that even go? 'Oh, hey, sorry that you're struggling with getting over your misplaced love for your ex, but does it help that I love you and wish you could be mine?’ No. He certainly didn't think so.
* * *
Who would’ve thought that taking a hate potion, whilst looking the bugger straight in the face and having everything that should make him undesirable made clear to her, would do exactly nothing.
Hermione already knew Draco was an unapologetic bigot. She already knew he could be cruel. She already knew he’d manipulate anyone to achieve his own goals. She already knew he’d done awful things during the war. She already knew he’d rather mess about than be with her. She already knew he wasn’t opposed to telling pretty lies. She already knew he regarded witches as mere objects. She already knew... she already knew everything, and being reminded did nothing.
She still saw that gentleness in him and missed it. And she missed his teasing and caresses and the way he warred with her cat over the pillow.
She hated being so weak.
The hate potion had been an act of desperation. A way to cleanse herself. And it had failed.
Now she didn’t know what to do.
* * *
“Tell me again why you’re still helping me,” Draco said to Pansy, who was walking with him to the library. “Don’t get me wrong, I love rubbing spending time with you in your boyfriend’s face, but I thought we’d cleared up all this guilt of yours.”
“I’m not doing it because I feel guilty, stupid. I’m doing it to be a friend," she huffed.
“Ah. Friend.” He frowned. “You know, I don’t think I have any of those.”
She swatted the back of his head. “I just told you that I am one, you arse!”
“Hey!” He ducked. Why did witches always want to hit him? “Sorry. I meant any other friends.”
“Of course you don’t. You’re a complete tosser to anyone who tries to befriend you. You prefer to have minions.”
She'd certainly developed a habit of scolding him lately. Maybe she was a bit annoyed that he'd let her feel guilty for so long for no reason.
“That sounds about right,” he mildly replied.
“But I think that you’re actually lonely.”
“Of course you do. You’re a girl.”
She swatted his head again-harder this time.
“Ow! Watch it!”
“I’m going to beat that attitude out of you sooner or later.”
“But it’s true!" he insisted. "You birds always think there’s some kind of deep, meaningful reason behind everything. Why do you think I get away with being such a tosser?”
“So you’re going to deny that you’re lonely?” she challenged.
“I’m fine.”
“So I haven’t actually seen you go out of your way to be near people lately?”
“It doesn’t mean that I’m lonely merely because I can’t stand being alone.”
She snorted and shot him a sideways glance. “Uh, it kind of does.”
“Oh. No... I don’t think so.”
“You know what I really think?”
“What?”
“I think you fancy someone and it’s making you depressed.”
He felt himself shut down in the face of this topic. “And I think this conversation is over.”
“You don’t have to tell me who.”
“Good.”
“But there is someone, right?”
“Not going there, Pansy.”
“Sometimes talking about it helps,” she coaxed.
“And what exactly should I say?”
“Is it because she doesn’t want you?”
“Yes.” It was surprisingly easy to admit like this. Also, maybe that would let Pansy remember some tact.
“That’s the worst... I’m sorry.”
“That’s all right. It's my own fault.”
“Now you’re being silly. You can’t control who you fall for.”
He snorted. “That's not true. I could’ve controlled some of the situations leading up to it. I could’ve avoided her. I could’ve turned her down. I could’ve stayed out of her bed...”
“Wait, you slept with her?”
“Like I said, I was asking for it.”
“She only wanted sex?”
“Yeah. At least with me.” Besides, he could hardly imagine what it would be like to actually be involved with her. His family certainly wouldn't approve. But maybe those kisses would be worth it...
“How did she react when you told her how you felt?”
He snorted a surprised laugh. “What, are you stupid? I couldn’t tell her that.”
“Then how can you be certain she doesn’t want you?”
“Because she was running straight back to her ex after. And she’d said so multiple times before that. Only sex. Only one night.”
"Hmm..."
"What?"
"You know me and Theo?"
"Are you going to preach based on your superior knowledge about relationships?"
"Shut up. No, I'm not. But... that's kind of how Theo and I started."
"What?"
"Well, obviously you weren't my ex. But I kept saying that each meeting would be the last, that I'd return to you and be the girlfriend I felt you deserved."
He glared at her for a moment before saying, "You're making this up, aren't you?"
"No! I felt so guilty for betraying you after all those years. It wasn't until you caught us and Theo told me I had to choose between the two of you that I realised I had a choice. We'd been together for so long that I thought I owed you to stay with you."
Lovely! He'd been an obligation! "She doesn't feel obligated to stay with him."
"Are you so certain about that?"
"Yeah, because they're breaking up now anyway."
"And you don't think you have anything to do with that?"
He shook his head. "No, she said he cheated on her."
"So you talked to her about this?"
"Only because I caught her stealing a hate potion."
"Ouch."
"And she even said it didn't work. How can I compete with some wanker who can keep sleeping with other witches and still have her love him?" It was so unfair. He'd already proven that he couldn't do that, even if he wanted to.
"He's done it before?"
"In a way. It's complicated, all right?"
"Now I kind of want to know who she is."
"Not on your life."
"But it sounds like she realised on her own that he's bad for her. How do you know she's ruling you out as a prospect?"
"Because... she has a lot of reason to do that. We're a really bad fit."
"How so?"
"That's also complicated." To say the least.
"Is she a half-blood?"
Close enough. "What if I said yes?"
"Then I'd ask you how much you love her."
"Why? What does it matter?"
"Does the purity of your lineage really matter more to you than your own happiness?"
"Easy for you to say. You fell for a pure-blood."
She shrugged. "I told you sleeping around like that would come back to haunt you."
"It certainly did. Aren't you happy now?"
"No. Why doesn't she want you, then? Because of your attitude towards blood status?"
"That's some of it."
"Obviously, you'll have to choose between her and those ideals."
"A choice that could cost me my family, all my friends-"
"I thought we agreed that you only have one friend. Me."
She had a point there. "Would you stand by me?"
"Certainly."
"Would Theo allow that?"
"Theo knows better than to think he has a say in what I can and cannot do," she calmly stated, making Draco almost feel sorry for Theo. But only almost.
"But could it cost you your relationship to sympathise with a blood traitor?"
"No."
"You're completely certain about that?"
"Absolutely."
"That has to be a nice feeling."
"It is."
"Right. Then I'd only lose my family. Not a problem at all!"
"I don't mean to be judgemental here, Draco, but if your parents would cut you out of their lives over this, then they need a priority check. Didn't the war teach us anything?"
"Don't associate with psychopaths?" he half-joked.
"And that those we love can be gone in the blink of an eye. The scariest thing isn't blood contamination. It's those that would use the issue of blood contamination to spread death and destruction wherever they go, killing Muggles and wizards alike."
"Like I said-don't associate with psychopaths."
"Make all the jokes you want, Draco," she said, shaking her head.
"You yourself got on my case about pursuing... who was it again?" He faked not remembering, so he wouldn't give himself away.
"That was different! It was Granger! For one thing, she's Muggle-born, which people will react more strongly towards than half-blood, and for another, she's... Granger. I can't stand her. She can do no wrong. Did you know she actually participated in an unauthorised party and got drunk, yet nobody as much as docked her any house points? And she's supposed to be our Head Girl! Hah!"
Draco couldn't keep his lips from twitching. "I did know that, actually. I was helping her at the library at that time." And that had been the first time he'd kissed her. The thought made his smile fade. He really wished that had never happened.
"Why didn't you report her?"
"What? And risk her giving me a bad review? Sorry, love. Not even for you."
She only pouted in response to that, but Draco had received the message. She'd be fully behind him if he wanted to be with a half-blood, but if he wanted Hermione Granger, he was on his own.
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