[Fic] Secret World
Title: Secret World
Fandom: Stargate: Atlantis
Character: Evan Lorne
Word Count: 929
Rating: PG
Summary: Lorne has a secret.
A/N: All age's fault.
He suits up, straps his gear on and laces his boots. He doesn't look up as the orders come, but when he rises he nods and salutes with the rest of them. Checks his radio, leads his team out. And always, the little catch in his chest as he wonders if he'll come home.
Not for himself, for the other.
Lorne shakes his head when he thinks of it. Shakes the thoughts right out of his head if he can and presses on as if they weren't there when he can't. Which is less frequently, now. The first time he realized in what direction his feelings were heading he almost got himself taken by the damned bugs. On a rescue mission, of all times. He has to smile upon remembering, a flash of a smile that's there and gone before his men can see.
Sheppard had been so far gone he hadn't even looked like Sheppard anymore, and Lorne wasn't sure what this fear was that twisted him up inside. Not until after it was all over, when McKay and Teyla were clustered around him laughing and talking and Lorne just walked on by. Once he was in his quarters it wasn't hard to figure out what was wrong. The hard part was making it stop.
He'd never had a problem with his feelings for people in the past. Joining up hadn't been a problem even with the military's Don't Ask Don't Tell policy. He didn't ask, and no one told. There were a couple of romances, neither torrid nor passionate. His last lover described him as cold but he didn't really think he was. Maybe a little restrained. Maybe he just hadn't found the right person, never clicked. He wanted to think that he could, someday.
Except that when the person you most wanted to click with was your type but you weren't his, that was a bit of a problem, there.
Never mind that. Lorne shakes the thoughts out of his head again, shoulders his pack, heads out on his mission.
He goes out on these missions all the time. It shouldn't matter. He's somewhat comforted by the thought that Sheppard will miss him when he's gone, but it's not the same. It's not the same as having someone to come back to, someone who'll pull you into his arms and hold you so tight you wonder why you can breathe. Someone who'll fight to keep you there and fight with you because neither of you can just cough up the words and now he thinks he knows why Campbell left. If not having that kind of passion in your life feels like this.
He goes out on the mission. It's simple reconnaissance. He takes down the data, kills a couple Wraith, comes back alive. Sheppard gives him a grin and a wave and nothing more.
Lorne goes back to empty quarters and an empty bed after debriefing and dinner. Laying on his bed, ankles crossed, staring at the ceiling. He's never been given to fantasies of the romantic kind but he does think sometimes, wistfully, how things would be different. If he had someone. If he had a certain someone he was pretty sure he was head over heels for.
And did Sheppard know? Did he even notice? Probably not; Lorne was careful by now not to let any interest show until he was sure it wouldn't affect anything. And by anything he meant the working relationship. It didn't matter so much when he wasn't in a combat zone, perhaps, but he had always been in a combat zone and he wonders what it would be like, for a moment, to retire. To quit. To be able to find someone and be with them without discretion killing any passion the relationship could have and it wouldn't be Sheppard so it wouldn't be the same. And then he wouldn't have Atlantis, either. He and every other Marine, Air Force, and scientific member of the team who's stayed longer than six months, none of them could leave this place without a heart-wrenching episode of guilt and grief.
No, that wasn't an option, and he discards it almost as quickly as he thinks of it. And Sheppard doesn't know; if he'd ever found out something would have gone amiss. There would have been strange looks somewhere. He would have let it slip to McKay and then it would be all over the base. Lorne thinks that should annoy him, even thinking of it, but somehow it just makes him laugh.
Someday. He rolls over, turns off the light and kicks off his shoes and pulls the sheet over him, window open to the ocean breeze. Someday he'll get over this. He usually does, except that this isn't usual, is it? There's that little voice whispering to him. This isn't usual, this is something he won't dare name to himself and hasn't dared name in months. And there's no getting over this, there's just getting past it, getting on with life. Without ever saying the word. Without ever letting a single thing slip.
Sheppard won't find out, Lorne repeats to himself. Resolves. Sheppard won't find out, and he'll find someone else, or he won't. Life goes on. It always does. And something else; in the Pegasus galaxy, it usually ends too soon. No, that won't happen either. Another resolution. And in the end with nothing still resolved, the same as it is every night, Lorne falls into an uneasy but quiet sleep and dreams of an easy smile and scruffy black hair and strong arms that never let go.
Fandom: Stargate: Atlantis
Character: Evan Lorne
Word Count: 929
Rating: PG
Summary: Lorne has a secret.
A/N: All age's fault.
He suits up, straps his gear on and laces his boots. He doesn't look up as the orders come, but when he rises he nods and salutes with the rest of them. Checks his radio, leads his team out. And always, the little catch in his chest as he wonders if he'll come home.
Not for himself, for the other.
Lorne shakes his head when he thinks of it. Shakes the thoughts right out of his head if he can and presses on as if they weren't there when he can't. Which is less frequently, now. The first time he realized in what direction his feelings were heading he almost got himself taken by the damned bugs. On a rescue mission, of all times. He has to smile upon remembering, a flash of a smile that's there and gone before his men can see.
Sheppard had been so far gone he hadn't even looked like Sheppard anymore, and Lorne wasn't sure what this fear was that twisted him up inside. Not until after it was all over, when McKay and Teyla were clustered around him laughing and talking and Lorne just walked on by. Once he was in his quarters it wasn't hard to figure out what was wrong. The hard part was making it stop.
He'd never had a problem with his feelings for people in the past. Joining up hadn't been a problem even with the military's Don't Ask Don't Tell policy. He didn't ask, and no one told. There were a couple of romances, neither torrid nor passionate. His last lover described him as cold but he didn't really think he was. Maybe a little restrained. Maybe he just hadn't found the right person, never clicked. He wanted to think that he could, someday.
Except that when the person you most wanted to click with was your type but you weren't his, that was a bit of a problem, there.
Never mind that. Lorne shakes the thoughts out of his head again, shoulders his pack, heads out on his mission.
He goes out on these missions all the time. It shouldn't matter. He's somewhat comforted by the thought that Sheppard will miss him when he's gone, but it's not the same. It's not the same as having someone to come back to, someone who'll pull you into his arms and hold you so tight you wonder why you can breathe. Someone who'll fight to keep you there and fight with you because neither of you can just cough up the words and now he thinks he knows why Campbell left. If not having that kind of passion in your life feels like this.
He goes out on the mission. It's simple reconnaissance. He takes down the data, kills a couple Wraith, comes back alive. Sheppard gives him a grin and a wave and nothing more.
Lorne goes back to empty quarters and an empty bed after debriefing and dinner. Laying on his bed, ankles crossed, staring at the ceiling. He's never been given to fantasies of the romantic kind but he does think sometimes, wistfully, how things would be different. If he had someone. If he had a certain someone he was pretty sure he was head over heels for.
And did Sheppard know? Did he even notice? Probably not; Lorne was careful by now not to let any interest show until he was sure it wouldn't affect anything. And by anything he meant the working relationship. It didn't matter so much when he wasn't in a combat zone, perhaps, but he had always been in a combat zone and he wonders what it would be like, for a moment, to retire. To quit. To be able to find someone and be with them without discretion killing any passion the relationship could have and it wouldn't be Sheppard so it wouldn't be the same. And then he wouldn't have Atlantis, either. He and every other Marine, Air Force, and scientific member of the team who's stayed longer than six months, none of them could leave this place without a heart-wrenching episode of guilt and grief.
No, that wasn't an option, and he discards it almost as quickly as he thinks of it. And Sheppard doesn't know; if he'd ever found out something would have gone amiss. There would have been strange looks somewhere. He would have let it slip to McKay and then it would be all over the base. Lorne thinks that should annoy him, even thinking of it, but somehow it just makes him laugh.
Someday. He rolls over, turns off the light and kicks off his shoes and pulls the sheet over him, window open to the ocean breeze. Someday he'll get over this. He usually does, except that this isn't usual, is it? There's that little voice whispering to him. This isn't usual, this is something he won't dare name to himself and hasn't dared name in months. And there's no getting over this, there's just getting past it, getting on with life. Without ever saying the word. Without ever letting a single thing slip.
Sheppard won't find out, Lorne repeats to himself. Resolves. Sheppard won't find out, and he'll find someone else, or he won't. Life goes on. It always does. And something else; in the Pegasus galaxy, it usually ends too soon. No, that won't happen either. Another resolution. And in the end with nothing still resolved, the same as it is every night, Lorne falls into an uneasy but quiet sleep and dreams of an easy smile and scruffy black hair and strong arms that never let go.