Here goes...
At the beginning! yes...(thanks M x x x) and everyone for your kindness and care.
I want to start by saying at this point that my prime concern at this point in time is with my Mum, it's all very complicated to tell but so simple if I break it down. This'll come as a rush of problems when trying to articulate it all as I've kept it all lurking under the surface not sure what to do or what to say.
Shortly after my last journal entry I got pneumonia and had to go into hospital which was just one of those things. I work in an environment where I could potentially come into contact with more beasties and guess I was more prone at the time as I've been feeling a bit run down for a few (maybe more) months now. Anyway, that's that, I got discharged and have been off work since still not feeling too good. My Mum's not been feeling too good either, different problems of a gynae nature and very low energy. During the past three weeks or so we've both been having tests for this and that, it's all long and drawn out so I won't go into it as I suspect this is a barrage of information burden as it is.
Anyway, on Thursday last week my Mum was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Fuck. What more can I say? I just think "Fuck" in my head everytime I try to get my head round the implications. I can't get past this yet. She flew out to San Francisco on Sunday, not wanting to cancel for my Dad's sake. He's sort of lost the plot at the moment and is very emotional and erratic, I'm hoping he can get through this as I want him to be the strong one for my Mum. She's always putting other peoples needs before her own, she is the eternal earthmother but she is just as important as everyone else. She keeps stuff in, shelves it - a trait I inherited. As was her choice, she decided to travel, her consultant said he didn't recommended it but she went ahead anyway. She has her surgery on the week she returns. I spoke to her yesterday on the phone, she'd had a bad journey - I'm desperately concerned about her.
I understand my Dads reaction, he lost his twin Linda nine years ago to ovarian cancer. He's panicking but whilst I understand, I don't necessarily feel it's helpful. We have to deal with the immediate and try and be positive for my Mum. He has been saying - What is it with all the women that he cares about? They're all riddled with illness. He's a worry wort, I just don't know how to help him right now and feel completely failing as a daughter. Especially as I am another source of worry to him too. I also have cancer, I was given my diagnosis a few days ago.. Monday if it's Wednesday now? Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Anyway, it's just something that was brought to light with me being ill in hospital and having various tests, questions raised etc. but it's dealable with. I'm not worried about myself, perhaps that's how my Mum feels? I don't know. My parents don't know yet, they just know I've been sick, I just don't want to tip the applecart, not just because they're away but with all that's going on with my Mum. And my Dad. I just want to get my treatment and get on with it. I want to be able to support my Mum, help her, stay positive.
This is big problem entry I know, I just sort of needed to blurt out this mess. As I say, I will deal with my end, I'm confident in doing that - completely. It's just I'm so so so worried for my mother and want to magic it away.
I'm not able to work at the moment, I suppose with being a little bit on my own with all of this (my own choice to bottle) I'm just becoming a bit uncomfortable feeling that I can't talk about anything. I need a deviation - I have been hand sewing in bed. Then I get angry at myself for doing something trivial that gives me comfort.
I'm so tired. I'm sorry for this entry. It probably doesn't make sense. Please forgive me x x x
I want to start by saying at this point that my prime concern at this point in time is with my Mum, it's all very complicated to tell but so simple if I break it down. This'll come as a rush of problems when trying to articulate it all as I've kept it all lurking under the surface not sure what to do or what to say.
Shortly after my last journal entry I got pneumonia and had to go into hospital which was just one of those things. I work in an environment where I could potentially come into contact with more beasties and guess I was more prone at the time as I've been feeling a bit run down for a few (maybe more) months now. Anyway, that's that, I got discharged and have been off work since still not feeling too good. My Mum's not been feeling too good either, different problems of a gynae nature and very low energy. During the past three weeks or so we've both been having tests for this and that, it's all long and drawn out so I won't go into it as I suspect this is a barrage of information burden as it is.
Anyway, on Thursday last week my Mum was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Fuck. What more can I say? I just think "Fuck" in my head everytime I try to get my head round the implications. I can't get past this yet. She flew out to San Francisco on Sunday, not wanting to cancel for my Dad's sake. He's sort of lost the plot at the moment and is very emotional and erratic, I'm hoping he can get through this as I want him to be the strong one for my Mum. She's always putting other peoples needs before her own, she is the eternal earthmother but she is just as important as everyone else. She keeps stuff in, shelves it - a trait I inherited. As was her choice, she decided to travel, her consultant said he didn't recommended it but she went ahead anyway. She has her surgery on the week she returns. I spoke to her yesterday on the phone, she'd had a bad journey - I'm desperately concerned about her.
I understand my Dads reaction, he lost his twin Linda nine years ago to ovarian cancer. He's panicking but whilst I understand, I don't necessarily feel it's helpful. We have to deal with the immediate and try and be positive for my Mum. He has been saying - What is it with all the women that he cares about? They're all riddled with illness. He's a worry wort, I just don't know how to help him right now and feel completely failing as a daughter. Especially as I am another source of worry to him too. I also have cancer, I was given my diagnosis a few days ago.. Monday if it's Wednesday now? Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Anyway, it's just something that was brought to light with me being ill in hospital and having various tests, questions raised etc. but it's dealable with. I'm not worried about myself, perhaps that's how my Mum feels? I don't know. My parents don't know yet, they just know I've been sick, I just don't want to tip the applecart, not just because they're away but with all that's going on with my Mum. And my Dad. I just want to get my treatment and get on with it. I want to be able to support my Mum, help her, stay positive.
This is big problem entry I know, I just sort of needed to blurt out this mess. As I say, I will deal with my end, I'm confident in doing that - completely. It's just I'm so so so worried for my mother and want to magic it away.
I'm not able to work at the moment, I suppose with being a little bit on my own with all of this (my own choice to bottle) I'm just becoming a bit uncomfortable feeling that I can't talk about anything. I need a deviation - I have been hand sewing in bed. Then I get angry at myself for doing something trivial that gives me comfort.
I'm so tired. I'm sorry for this entry. It probably doesn't make sense. Please forgive me x x x