(no subject)
I sat down to write you but could not find the words. I tried once again, so many words jumped to my throat like the screams of every skeleton in my closet, and I couldn't. Third time is the charm, for I have cried out the ghosts, allowing their wails to become my own, hopefully they will rest for a moment so I may do the same.
The sky today is a perfect even shade of grey, echoing quite clearly the monochromatic numbness that has set in. Shots of light through the clouds blind me as if the sky is mirroring that horrible empty pain in my chest. Pain in the spot where Daniel's light once was, but is no more, like a phantom limb I still feel him. A pain the masochist in me wants to feel... A pain he must have felt in his final moments. Each breath is a tight and labored journey, each one a tiny injustice to the theory of natural selection. In all fairness, it should be me, not him in that box. I've tempted fate a thousand times, each one of them a test of my mortality, but he... he was just getting started.
At my desk I find most of my time spent gazing into the windows of yesterday. Of our favorite duck pond in Sonoma, on the hottest days of summer. With Sampson, Simon, Felix and Archibald... we argued for hours over what to name those ducks. He always let me win the petty fights. In later times he would use the ducks against me "You can't be mad at me Meghan, remember the ducks? I let you win the ducks." His devilish smile still lingers in my minds eye, just as the sparkle in his eyes still blinds me with their brilliance. I wonder how the ducks are feeling today. Do they understand the loss of something so great? So unique. Of someone who cared for them and used them as a symbol of his love for another. No ring on earth could have meant more than those ducks...
My birthday will forever be stained with the memory of our last real goodbye. When we were still smiling. Before the tubes and wires obstructed his face, before the doctor said the words "Multi-system failure", before the heart monitor went silent, before my world fell apart.... In my dreams I keep running towards the times before but the portal is getting smaller and the terror of being left alone in the dark sets in. And I wake with an empty pain in my chest. Pain in the spot where Daniel's light once was, but is no more, like a phantom limb I still feel him. This cycle unending, these ghosts unrelenting, this emptiness forever, where Daniel's light once was.
The sky today is a perfect even shade of grey, echoing quite clearly the monochromatic numbness that has set in. Shots of light through the clouds blind me as if the sky is mirroring that horrible empty pain in my chest. Pain in the spot where Daniel's light once was, but is no more, like a phantom limb I still feel him. A pain the masochist in me wants to feel... A pain he must have felt in his final moments. Each breath is a tight and labored journey, each one a tiny injustice to the theory of natural selection. In all fairness, it should be me, not him in that box. I've tempted fate a thousand times, each one of them a test of my mortality, but he... he was just getting started.
At my desk I find most of my time spent gazing into the windows of yesterday. Of our favorite duck pond in Sonoma, on the hottest days of summer. With Sampson, Simon, Felix and Archibald... we argued for hours over what to name those ducks. He always let me win the petty fights. In later times he would use the ducks against me "You can't be mad at me Meghan, remember the ducks? I let you win the ducks." His devilish smile still lingers in my minds eye, just as the sparkle in his eyes still blinds me with their brilliance. I wonder how the ducks are feeling today. Do they understand the loss of something so great? So unique. Of someone who cared for them and used them as a symbol of his love for another. No ring on earth could have meant more than those ducks...
My birthday will forever be stained with the memory of our last real goodbye. When we were still smiling. Before the tubes and wires obstructed his face, before the doctor said the words "Multi-system failure", before the heart monitor went silent, before my world fell apart.... In my dreams I keep running towards the times before but the portal is getting smaller and the terror of being left alone in the dark sets in. And I wake with an empty pain in my chest. Pain in the spot where Daniel's light once was, but is no more, like a phantom limb I still feel him. This cycle unending, these ghosts unrelenting, this emptiness forever, where Daniel's light once was.