My nosy father in-law...
Well I got a very pissed off call from Jason last night screaming at me about his LJ. Apparently his dad keeps his internet history for a very long fucking time. He was going through his old history and found Jason's live journal. Now most people...at least anyone with common sense (even with a Mac) knows that it is bad to keep too big of a history because it will eat up space/cache. So you can imagine my surprise when I haven't used his laptop since MAY. Well his dad read through his entire journal and got really upset when he read an entry Jason posted about Xmas. The entry was about his fucked up grandmother and what a fucking bitch she is to everyone during the holidays. She loves to make everyone else feel like shit (unless of course you are one of her two favorites : Amber or Scott, which just happens to be Jason's dad). The people she picks on the most is usually April and the boys. Reuben is strange because he's a Vegan and doesn't trust the government (and why should he trust the government?), and they are weird because they like to wear black, and the fucking list goes on. Then she'll attack April telling her what a bad mother she is, etc. That would hurt me too. Especially with the lack of family that poor woman has experienced throughout her lifetime. April once told me that it used to hurt her because she never really had a mother and father and wanted Scott's parent's to love her too. So of course when G-Ma Sampeer says shit like that it's going to hurt, but with her poor familial backround it's going to cut much deeper. Well unfortunately, Scott thought the entry was about him. It wasn't. But he called Jason and he was very upset about it. I can understand how that would upset him at first...but if he had read it a bit closer he would have realized that it wasn't really about him. Although maybe it's not a bad thing he found Jason's journal. I love Jason's family alot. I get frustrated with them and don't understand them most of the time though. They don't talk about their feelings much; and as much effort as they made as parents I feel that it's been very damaging to both Jason and Reuben...because now that they are adults they don't know how to handle their emotions...ANY OF THEM. Everytime Jason starts getting emotional with me he freaks out and bottles it up until he's so upset he explodes. Or worse...sometimes he'll get this weird look on his face and when I ask him what's wrong he'll tell me..."I feel strange...I'm feeling something but I can't tell what." Do you know how hard it is to help a 22 year old man try to figure out what BASIC emotions he's feeling? He was never really able to go to his parents and emotionally vent. Nor was he taught how to identify and deal with his emotions at a younger age. So now that he's older when he does have emotions he feels wrong about having them, can't identify them, or bottles them up. When I get emotional sometimes he doesn't want to even talk to me. That really hurts...But I know it's because he doesn't know how to deal with it. That's really sad. Our marriage is suffering because of it, he's suffering because of it. So maybe it's something that needed to be said. Maybe someday they'll finally talk about how they felt.
Hell, he's probably going to read my fucking journal...and you know what?!?! I WANT HIM TO. Go ahead, read...it's alot of reading. It's going to take you awhile to read a few years worth of emotions, feelings, and situations. But know this...a journal is a way to vent your feelings. Granted it may be to other people online, but that's for moral support in times of need. A journal is a way to let out things you can't always talk about or put into words. And should you find something that is put in a negative way about someone...realize that most of the time when people write is when they are the most affected. So just like in person when you are fighting with someone things are said that aren't really meant.
Because of Jason's frantic phone call I had decided to make my journal friends only...but you know what...why? Why should I hide how I feel from anyone? I shouldn't have to hide my opinions and emotions from them! If they want to read it and get offended then oh fucking well...at least I won't have to hide anything anymore. FUCK THAT. I shouldn't have to hide it from anyone. My life is an open book. You want to try to know me, fine...hurt me...do it. Because you're not going to find ammo here. If you don't like it don't fucking read it. If you're going to judge me, that's all you; whatever makes you feel better at night. But I'm NOT going to appologize for myself anymore. Sure, I write fucked up things about people I love sometimes because they upset me, I do stupid things and will continue to make some dumb decisions, I've had thoughts about killing my parents (who hasn't?), I've done a massive amount of drugs in the very distant past (and will never do so again), I've lost many people I loved to death, famine, disease, and disaster, I've loved deeply, I've lusted shallowly, I've changed constantly and will continue to do so, I've been willing to give up sometimes (hence the near death thing), I've been a coward, I've been insane...and it's all here. No holds barred...no strings attactched. It's very seldom my entries are private or friends only. I'm not hiding anything.
Hell, he's probably going to read my fucking journal...and you know what?!?! I WANT HIM TO. Go ahead, read...it's alot of reading. It's going to take you awhile to read a few years worth of emotions, feelings, and situations. But know this...a journal is a way to vent your feelings. Granted it may be to other people online, but that's for moral support in times of need. A journal is a way to let out things you can't always talk about or put into words. And should you find something that is put in a negative way about someone...realize that most of the time when people write is when they are the most affected. So just like in person when you are fighting with someone things are said that aren't really meant.
Because of Jason's frantic phone call I had decided to make my journal friends only...but you know what...why? Why should I hide how I feel from anyone? I shouldn't have to hide my opinions and emotions from them! If they want to read it and get offended then oh fucking well...at least I won't have to hide anything anymore. FUCK THAT. I shouldn't have to hide it from anyone. My life is an open book. You want to try to know me, fine...hurt me...do it. Because you're not going to find ammo here. If you don't like it don't fucking read it. If you're going to judge me, that's all you; whatever makes you feel better at night. But I'm NOT going to appologize for myself anymore. Sure, I write fucked up things about people I love sometimes because they upset me, I do stupid things and will continue to make some dumb decisions, I've had thoughts about killing my parents (who hasn't?), I've done a massive amount of drugs in the very distant past (and will never do so again), I've lost many people I loved to death, famine, disease, and disaster, I've loved deeply, I've lusted shallowly, I've changed constantly and will continue to do so, I've been willing to give up sometimes (hence the near death thing), I've been a coward, I've been insane...and it's all here. No holds barred...no strings attactched. It's very seldom my entries are private or friends only. I'm not hiding anything.