(no subject)
I feel almost dead. Somehow unawakened. It's as if there is something inside of me, a missing piece of the puzzle, unreached because I've kept it hidden or guarded, even from myself.
It's almost as if I'm living someone else's life.
So many days come where I feel this strange disconnection/disassociation within myself, as if I am only going through the motions but not really living my day. It's been so for a long, long time. There is no one to blame for it, it simply is as it always has been. "Back in the day" when I used to partake of LSD, I loved it because I felt in touch with myself. I knew who I was when I was tripping and I felt in control. Sex is the same. I feel so alive and so in the "here and now." Mainly when the other person is in control. I want/need to be dominated or to at least relinquish my perceived control and be at the mercy of that other person. Someone strong enough to bring me to the "present" and keep me there.
Kind of strange coming from someone who hates being told what to do and is considered a "control freak" in daily life, I know. But, it's different when you are in that vulnerable situation that sex requires. It's a test of trust, to let someone see you as you are because there is no room for hiding, or else you are wasting your time and theirs and no one has any fun. But, I need that person to be the dominant one because it makes me give up willingly what I cannot otherwise. There are no walls to protect me at that point and it feels so good to just let go and truly experience something. I feel strangely safe. Perhaps that is why I think I'm "addicted" to it. Beats drugs anyway.
I suppose I am just dealing with accumulated baggage that I have ignored for so long. These last couple of years have left me a bit raw and I can no longer run away or hide from anything. I was/am a great user of walls to compartmentalize the many hurts I have experienced so as to appear "just fine" on the surface. I'm struggling to regain my "never let them see you bleed" ability. Adversity does not mesh well with those who cannot stand up to it and I'm quite tired of being kicked in the teeth.
I've promised to be honest with myself, so I suppose this is as good a start as any.
Well, now that I sound certifiably insane or pathetic, I'll leave it here. I need caffeine.
It's almost as if I'm living someone else's life.
So many days come where I feel this strange disconnection/disassociation within myself, as if I am only going through the motions but not really living my day. It's been so for a long, long time. There is no one to blame for it, it simply is as it always has been. "Back in the day" when I used to partake of LSD, I loved it because I felt in touch with myself. I knew who I was when I was tripping and I felt in control. Sex is the same. I feel so alive and so in the "here and now." Mainly when the other person is in control. I want/need to be dominated or to at least relinquish my perceived control and be at the mercy of that other person. Someone strong enough to bring me to the "present" and keep me there.
Kind of strange coming from someone who hates being told what to do and is considered a "control freak" in daily life, I know. But, it's different when you are in that vulnerable situation that sex requires. It's a test of trust, to let someone see you as you are because there is no room for hiding, or else you are wasting your time and theirs and no one has any fun. But, I need that person to be the dominant one because it makes me give up willingly what I cannot otherwise. There are no walls to protect me at that point and it feels so good to just let go and truly experience something. I feel strangely safe. Perhaps that is why I think I'm "addicted" to it. Beats drugs anyway.
I suppose I am just dealing with accumulated baggage that I have ignored for so long. These last couple of years have left me a bit raw and I can no longer run away or hide from anything. I was/am a great user of walls to compartmentalize the many hurts I have experienced so as to appear "just fine" on the surface. I'm struggling to regain my "never let them see you bleed" ability. Adversity does not mesh well with those who cannot stand up to it and I'm quite tired of being kicked in the teeth.
I've promised to be honest with myself, so I suppose this is as good a start as any.
Well, now that I sound certifiably insane or pathetic, I'll leave it here. I need caffeine.