I don't know who's drivin' this bus, but I want off!
I am dreading the quickly approaching holiday. I am just not looking forward to the end of this year or the holidays associated with it. I do not celebrate "christmas" necessarily, as I refuse to buy into the commercial and religious aspect of it. I do not have any desire to acknowledge christianized fiction, nor do I worship the gods of debt any longer. I do however observe that time of year as more of a "seasonal" celebration and treat it with proper pagan dignity, or at least I try to. It really disgusts me watching this gorge-fest of plastic santa and snowmen decor, tacky excessive lighting, cheesy bad music and a scarily aggressive shop-til-you-drop mindset.
I am feeling sad and dreading this year because I'm so unsettled still. The whole lets-move-and-I'll-just-find-a-job-when-I-get-there mentality really got f*#ked up. I have *not* found a job, besides the one I did get that sucked so bad I had to quit. I guess I got too cocky? I thought for sure I'd be ok, but now I'm not so certain. I have had to call up my old boss, who still wants me back, and try to get my old job back. I am waiting to hear from her because they need to try to fire the woman who replaced me first before I can come back and they are not sure how best to do it, even though this woman cannot properly do the job and is slightly insane. I feel a little guilty too, since this poor woman needs a job and I'm trying to get her ousted, but I try to make myself feel better with the knowledge that she cannot really handle the job and no one wants her to stay.
I just feel like my life is one big accident scene right now and the paramedics are not coming to help. I'm sure I'll just die on this roadside without any hope of rescue. I am having a really bad day.
I do not want to think of anyone buying anything for me for I cannot concentrate on what I may want and then I cannot imagine getting anything because I am not working and therefore have no real money to spare and do not want to be given anything when I know that money can be used for household needs. I do not feel deserving of a gift (unless it's winning the lottery) and just feel sick thinking about it.
It's not fair to Melis either that I'm having these issues because this is a sad time for her too and she needs all the festivity she can get to help her and I just feel inadequate to the task. I want to hide but have no where to go and I cannot escape.
On top of all of this, I hate whining and this whole entry was one big whine and that just pisses me off and makes thing worse. If I have resorted to whining about my problems then I really am screwed.
Contact with ground control terminated.
I am feeling sad and dreading this year because I'm so unsettled still. The whole lets-move-and-I'll-just-find-a-job-when-I-get-there mentality really got f*#ked up. I have *not* found a job, besides the one I did get that sucked so bad I had to quit. I guess I got too cocky? I thought for sure I'd be ok, but now I'm not so certain. I have had to call up my old boss, who still wants me back, and try to get my old job back. I am waiting to hear from her because they need to try to fire the woman who replaced me first before I can come back and they are not sure how best to do it, even though this woman cannot properly do the job and is slightly insane. I feel a little guilty too, since this poor woman needs a job and I'm trying to get her ousted, but I try to make myself feel better with the knowledge that she cannot really handle the job and no one wants her to stay.
I just feel like my life is one big accident scene right now and the paramedics are not coming to help. I'm sure I'll just die on this roadside without any hope of rescue. I am having a really bad day.
I do not want to think of anyone buying anything for me for I cannot concentrate on what I may want and then I cannot imagine getting anything because I am not working and therefore have no real money to spare and do not want to be given anything when I know that money can be used for household needs. I do not feel deserving of a gift (unless it's winning the lottery) and just feel sick thinking about it.
It's not fair to Melis either that I'm having these issues because this is a sad time for her too and she needs all the festivity she can get to help her and I just feel inadequate to the task. I want to hide but have no where to go and I cannot escape.
On top of all of this, I hate whining and this whole entry was one big whine and that just pisses me off and makes thing worse. If I have resorted to whining about my problems then I really am screwed.
Contact with ground control terminated.