(no subject)
Ya know... I had a really awesome internal monologue a few minutes ago... I need to figure out a way of taking that sort of thing down. I need to record it somehow... But ohwell. Anyways, I'll try to reproduce it here, but I'm not sure how well that will work out, what with it only being a cheap reproduction and not the original. If you watch Scrubs, it was sort of in the style of J.D.'s little monologue that typically comes towards the end of the show where he's sort of reviewing the little life lessons that were represented throughout that episode.
I was thinking about listening. Ya know, I wonder how often people tell me things and I just don't hear them. Whether they're being blunt or subtle, it's very likely that I just don't notice it... And if that's the case, I'm sorry. I can't stand to think that I'm missing something like that... And the real reason behind that is because I tell people things all the time. I'm not nearly as straightforward about things as I make myself out to be. I'll be honest about all sorts of things, but I'm actually really nervous about touchy feely things. There are so many things I want to tell people... And I end up going about it all wrong. I'm totally afraid of the idea of really exposing myself to the eyes of other people. I'm afraid of what they'd think. It's scary. I. Am. Scared.
I don't know why I'm posting this, but it's just sort of what's on my mind. So fucking deal with it or read something else, got it?
Anyways... Yeah. There are things that I'm afraid to tell people. And there are things that I REFUSE to tell people. There's one person in particular that I want to tell something, but the problem is, the situation with that person is about to change fairly soon and it will be in such a way as that I won't be comfortable with these things I want to tell them anymore... So I'm not going to tell them. Except that I do tell them, all the time. I just do it MY way. Which makes almost no sense... So goodluck figuring THAT shit out. Anyways, it's not nearly as dramatic as I'm making it out to be, or as you might presume. It's nothing major in the grand scheme of things. But it matters to me at this moment. And it'll keep mattering to me at later moments.
So moving on.
I really love kicking it with my friends. There's nothing I enjoy more. To be honest, I could never live a truly solitary life because I would miss them way too much. Example would be hanging out with Val and Brandon after our classes on Thursdays... I spend all day Thursday looking forward to that. And yet, to be quite honest... As I go to pull away from Val's house after dropping her off, it's like the mood is instantly destroyed. I'm never happier than when I'm surrounded by happy people whom I truly enjoy, but I'm never more depressed and alone than immediately after those people are gone. And that DOES link back to the thing about not telling people shit. I don't like being left alone. I hate it. It sucks monkey testicles. Hard. Through a series of straws in a bizarre configuration, resembling a rollercoaster.
There was more I meant to write in here, but suddenly I'm drawing a blank. I'll add to it as needed, but for now... There. Spilled all my shit on the page. Go me. I'm thinking about making this post private and just leaving it at that.
Maybe friends only or something.
Wait, one more. I'm coming to the realization that I'm a really lame person. A lot of the things that make me who I am exist only because I've grown some sort of bizarre dependency on the affection or at the very least attention of those whom I favour. I'm dependent. So being alone? That's why I'm thinking too much. That's why I'm worried so often. That's why I'm randomly depressed and lonely. Because I feel alone and unaffected. It's bothersome for me. I need to figure a way out of that one, though I do know a way and it's right in front of me. Don't bother suggesting a way, I know what I need to do. I'm just bitching. Let me do that. It's fucking LJ, that's what it's for. Bitching.
I was thinking about listening. Ya know, I wonder how often people tell me things and I just don't hear them. Whether they're being blunt or subtle, it's very likely that I just don't notice it... And if that's the case, I'm sorry. I can't stand to think that I'm missing something like that... And the real reason behind that is because I tell people things all the time. I'm not nearly as straightforward about things as I make myself out to be. I'll be honest about all sorts of things, but I'm actually really nervous about touchy feely things. There are so many things I want to tell people... And I end up going about it all wrong. I'm totally afraid of the idea of really exposing myself to the eyes of other people. I'm afraid of what they'd think. It's scary. I. Am. Scared.
I don't know why I'm posting this, but it's just sort of what's on my mind. So fucking deal with it or read something else, got it?
Anyways... Yeah. There are things that I'm afraid to tell people. And there are things that I REFUSE to tell people. There's one person in particular that I want to tell something, but the problem is, the situation with that person is about to change fairly soon and it will be in such a way as that I won't be comfortable with these things I want to tell them anymore... So I'm not going to tell them. Except that I do tell them, all the time. I just do it MY way. Which makes almost no sense... So goodluck figuring THAT shit out. Anyways, it's not nearly as dramatic as I'm making it out to be, or as you might presume. It's nothing major in the grand scheme of things. But it matters to me at this moment. And it'll keep mattering to me at later moments.
So moving on.
I really love kicking it with my friends. There's nothing I enjoy more. To be honest, I could never live a truly solitary life because I would miss them way too much. Example would be hanging out with Val and Brandon after our classes on Thursdays... I spend all day Thursday looking forward to that. And yet, to be quite honest... As I go to pull away from Val's house after dropping her off, it's like the mood is instantly destroyed. I'm never happier than when I'm surrounded by happy people whom I truly enjoy, but I'm never more depressed and alone than immediately after those people are gone. And that DOES link back to the thing about not telling people shit. I don't like being left alone. I hate it. It sucks monkey testicles. Hard. Through a series of straws in a bizarre configuration, resembling a rollercoaster.
There was more I meant to write in here, but suddenly I'm drawing a blank. I'll add to it as needed, but for now... There. Spilled all my shit on the page. Go me. I'm thinking about making this post private and just leaving it at that.
Maybe friends only or something.
Wait, one more. I'm coming to the realization that I'm a really lame person. A lot of the things that make me who I am exist only because I've grown some sort of bizarre dependency on the affection or at the very least attention of those whom I favour. I'm dependent. So being alone? That's why I'm thinking too much. That's why I'm worried so often. That's why I'm randomly depressed and lonely. Because I feel alone and unaffected. It's bothersome for me. I need to figure a way out of that one, though I do know a way and it's right in front of me. Don't bother suggesting a way, I know what I need to do. I'm just bitching. Let me do that. It's fucking LJ, that's what it's for. Bitching.