Eclipse
So, by most peoples definition, I am an open and experimental person when it comes to sex. Those same people would not be surprised that I ended up in a triad in the middle of an Andorian festival, and that that triad was the focal point of much attention. I can honestly say I remember less of it than I'd like. I don't typically try out mind and perception altering substances when involved in sex, it seems to do less to help and more to fog things up. I think my reason to give it a go was three fold. First of all, I knew it would piss off the Blue Bastard, second of all, it was recommended to be by Blue, and third of all, Spiegel couldn't do it so I had to see what he was missing so I could both make him jealous and report back to him about it.
At any rate, the sex was fabulous. At least what I can clearly remember was fabulous, the rest was probably just as much so, I just don't remember more than abstractions of those parts of it. After Blue and I retreated from the festival, I had asked him about Hralek. Turns out, he doesn't really know the dude much, other than a few passing interactions here and there. He's another southerner married into a northern clan though, so he's easily as bored as Blue is normally. Speaking of normally bored, not only is Blue happy to see me because I'm, well, me, but he's happy to see me because I mean something to do that isn't boring and cold.
Apparently, that's part of the reason he learned to do the fancy fire handling, it was something to do that wasn't cold and boring. He's looking forward to when his children are old enough to join their own bonds, so that he can wander off world for extended periods of time again. At least his children sound great, when he starts going on about them, he just will not shut up, but it's the good sort of not shut up. I did tease him a bit considering he used to be so starkly opposed to producing offspring, and didn't used to understand why Travis and I were even interested in doing such ourselves. I get to meet the little ones later today, after they wake up in the morning.
Once he got his proud parent bragging out of the way, we turned to the topic of Travis for a bit. Well, he did, I was mostly quiet at first. I curled up, and laid with my head in his lap while he tried to start conversation. It took a lot of effort on his part, but he finally got me talking when he asked me to show him that scar on my hip. He traced it a bit, and then asked if it was accidental or planned that it scarred like that. I hadn't been aware of it at first, Travis pointed it out one time and admitted that for some reason he just felt the need to bite there every time he saw it was mostly healed up again. Blue laughed, and mentioned that he did remember Travis being a little focused on details.
Blue asked if I still had that corset Travis gave me. I had to think a moment, as I hadn't worn it in a while, and I wasn't sure when the last time I'd worn it was. I finally remembered it was in a box with some of his things I'd decided to keep before turning the rest over to his family when he died. I admitted that I didn't even remember the last time I'd opened the box. Blue asked me what else was in the box. I still had the blood wine and romulan ale bottles from our engagement, that orange work shirt he lived in all the time but I insisted I hated, a copy of the wedding invitations we'd sent out, the ring I'd given him with the holo of the two of us in it, and a random selection of other things I couldn't remember off the top of my head.
The conversation kind of died there, and we curled up together to sleep. I couldn't fall asleep at first, and I actually cried for a bit. I'd been handling the loss of Travis by just trying not to think about it, and between Blue having been around most of the time I was with Travis, and his insistence on talking about him, I was slapped in the face with the fact that this coping method probably wasn't the best. Fifteen years should have been enough time for me to bundle up the pain and handle it, but I just keep running from it. There isn't much else I'll run from, but I have to admit that I am the biggest coward in this. Blue was quiet and comforting. He said small words to try to calm me, softly petted my hair, and otherwise just let me know he was there for me.
I did eventually fall asleep, but my sleep was unsettled because of my dream. It started off I was in the bar it happened in, Travis was right beside me like he'd been that day. We were talking and teasing each other over who was taking the other's name. Suddenly things jumped forward, and then we've skipped past the fight and I'm finding him dead across a table in the back. I found myself back in that moment of despair, feeling like all I wanted to do was curl up and die.
There's a hole in my memory starting from that moment, continuing until about a year and a half into my time at the Acad, but in the dream I've pulled Travis into my arms and I'm sitting in the middle of the floor rocking us back and forth. The bar tender had been headed over, a hard look on his face until he recognizes Travis as the person I'd come in with, then a wave of sympathy washes over his face remembering the conversation we'd had about our upcoming wedding. He squeezes my shoulder, and asks me if there was someone he could call for me. I manage to say Blue's name, his real name, and the name of our ship.
Time skips forward again, and I'm still sitting in the same spot, clutching Travis as if he was my last thread of life, and Blue arrives. There's a med team of some sort hovering in the background, but they looked as if they were afraid of me and wouldn't approach until Blue had first come and coaxed me into laying Travis' cold body on the floor. As he'd pulled me back, and held me tightly, the med team swarmed in and did whatever it was they had to do to legally certify he was dead. I hadn't cried up until that point, but when I did, I buried my face in Blue's shoulder, and he held me as tightly as he could.
This is where I woke up with a start, tears streaming down my face. I woke Blue with my sudden movement, and seeing the tears in my eyes, he quickly took me in his arms and asked me what was wrong. I told him about the dream, and he told me that it sounded pretty accurate from what he witnessed and what he could piece together from what I'd told him and what the bar tender had said when he'd called him. Once I'd calmed down again, we tried to go back to sleep, but I just couldn't. I eventually excused myself, and told him I'd see him in the dining hall in the morning.
I retreated to the sleeping area that'd been set aside for the away team, but was still so unsettled by the dream that I just couldn't fall asleep again. So I pulled out my journal, hoping that writing it all down would help me work past it. However, it's almost time for me to head down to the dining hall to see Blue again and meet his children. Sleep is for the dead, I suppose.