MeL & Marc Moments of Zen
Note from MeL: I'm retiring these from my facebook wall, but would like to log them in my journal for safe keeping!
*****----MeL & Marc Moments of Zen---*****
(Looking in the bathroom mirror together after washing our faces / brushing our teeth)
Me, pulling up my shirt to reveal my stomach: "Man, I really need to work on these abs this semester."
Marcus, still staring at himself but in a seemingly concerned advisor-like tone: "Why don't you just look into getting your stomach stapled. It seems to work for a lot of people."
Me, appalled & tickled at his insensitive/non-applicable advice: "Uh- like, that surgery is for the more morbidly obese I think-- besides, getting your stomach stapled will do nothing for ab formation."
Marcus, still staring at himself after a mid-chuckle: "Ugh, I really can't stand my teeth. I think I'm going to get invisalign...."
Me: "Well why don't you just get dentures. I hear they work great for a lot of people."
Marcus: "Ha, you bitch."
*************************
Marc: "I don't want you falling into that---"
MeL: "Don't worry, I'm not falling into anything...I'm jumping into it!"
************************
Marc: "Hey, I've got an idea! Since we both love condiments so much, why don't we just come up with our own ketchup!"
MeL: "Yeah, that sounds good! We'll make it like Whataburger ketchup, but somehow even better....Hrm, what would we call it?"
Marc: "Marc-Up."
MeL: ???
Marc: "Yeah, see-- 'M' for MeLissa and 'arc' for me!!"
MeL: "How generous of you."
**********************
Some weird, kinda-hot girl pledges her love to Marcus over myspace, so naturally we head to her pictures to check her out.
(Staring at her)
Marc: Hrm. She's interesting...
MeL: Yeah...
Marc: Do you think she's pretty?
Me: Yeah, she's pretty.
Marc: Do you think she's Mexican?
MeL: She's..(Cocking head in what seems to be a pause of discernment)...somethin'.
Marc: (Looks to me in sarcastic disgust)
God, you're intuitive.
**********************
Me: Oh! Go to your page, I left you a nice gift for not calling me back last night.
(Clicks over to his wall to see the "You're A Homo!" pic I left him)
Marc: Thanks a lot, doll. If I didn't exude heterosexuality I might be offended. It's not like anyone would ever think that--
MeL:Ha!
Marc: WHAT?!
MeL: No, no, no, you said the word "exude".
Marc: Well I do, baby. You know that.
MeL: Having a facebook pic featuring you and a fluffy cat is more Mr. Rodgers than Senator Schwarzneger.
Marc: (laughs) Whatever. It's not like people would say "Hey that guy is gay."
MeL: Ha!
Marc: What? ....Do people actually ask that?
MeL: All the time. But you know what? I tell them the truth. I say 'No he's NOT! He's a VIRGIN!'
Marc: (Wide eyed and shocked!) Well THANKS A LOT! That's real helpful. But I guess I can't be too mad. People ask me all the time if you're a lesbian-
MeL: WHAT?!! No they don't. Ugh! Well, what do you say??
Marc: I set them straight! I say "No she's not! She's slept with AT LEAST 200 guys!"
MeL: (Wide eyed & shocked!) HAHAHA...well at least ONE of those isn't true.
Marc: (trailing off)...Hoochie.
********************
(My home phone rings)
Me: Omagosh, it's (insert hot guy's name). I'm going to look lame sitting at home...you answer it, kay?
Marc: (rolls eyes and grabs phone) Um, hello?...Hey (cute boy's name), how are ya?...Yeah MeLissa is in the bathroom right now-
Me: (sensing approaching disaster) Okkkay, give it to me.
Marc: Yeah I don't know, let me ask her. (Turns to me) So, did you take a big dump while you were in there? He wants to know.
Me: OMG! Give me that! Ugh!
******************
(On the phone)
Me: You sound weird. What's in your mouth?
Marc: Yeah, I'm whitening my teeth right now so I've got these strips in my mouth. Forgive me if I sound like a lispy schoolgirl.
Me: Is that so? How's that going?
Marc: Good I guess, except they kinda hurt my teeth, so I'm not sure if that's good. And they leave these weird white blotches on my teeth that look ok from far away but not as good up close. But the box says they're supposed to go away.
Me: Blotches? Hrm. Why don't you just swish with peroxide? I'm sure it's a lot cheaper than those strips. Did you have to pay an arm and leg for them?
Marc: Ah, not really. I'm actually using the Equate version.
Me: LOL Equate White Strips? That's hillarious. I didn't know they made such a thing.
Marc: Ha, yeah. So we're still taking pictures this week right?
Me: Yeah and I want you to take some in a wife beater like T.J. did, I think it would look hot.
Marc: Ugh, I don't know about that. I'm really skinny and sort of have bat nipples.
Me:...Bat nipples?? I didn't even know bats had especially distinctive nipples...but no, I don't think you have bat nipples.
Marc: No--, I said ffFat nipples! Sorry, it's the Equate White Strips speaking!
*******************
(Talking about how Marcus will be in Austria for what seems like a million years)
Me: I don't want you to go! It's sooo long...
Marc: I know, I'm going to miss you so much...
Me: You're like my brother, boyfriend and girlfriend all rolled into one.
Marc:..???...ha, aww...I know. But I'll be back.
Me: ....Well just promise me that you won't be hoin' around too much while you're there....
Marc: (laughs) I don't think that will be too much of a problem.....
Me: Don't laugh, it's different overseas, you'll see. Just like that one time I went to the Dominican Republic- I wasn't even there for two weeks and ended up making out with our tour guide! He didn't speak much English, but a language barrier is nothing when you speak the language of luuuvvvv~.
Marc: ....(sigh) Oh MeLissa, what will I do without you?
************************
(Bumbling through my front door tipsy and 3 hours later than he planned on arriving, Marc makes a tall stagger toward the couch I'm perched on to hug/fall over on me.)
Marc: Sorry I'm laaaate...I just couldn't leave the bar. I started talking to an interesting bartender and the little witch conned me into leaving her a $4.32 tip!
Me: You consider that a big tip?
Marc: Well, yeah, I usually leave just a dollar or so. I'm poor. ...So what did you do tonight? Your hair is wet...and you're in a mu-mu. Why are you in a mu-mu?
Me: Because I had to take a shower and I like wearing mu-mu's.And you know what I did tonight. I watched Des. Housewives, Grey's Anatomy and waited on your scary ace to show up.
Marc: (While kicking off his shoes to be more comfortable drunkenly cuddling me in an effort to win back my good graces) Aww, I'm sorry, I should have been here with you...I wanted to be you know, it's just that I kept talking---(sniff sniff) Hey, what is that nasty smell?
Me: (sniff sniff) Uh, I don't know, I don't smell it. I just got out of the shower, so if anyone stinks it is probably you.
Marc: Ha, I know. I was going to say it stunk like dirty feet but I thought that might be a little obvious....
Me: Hahahahaha.
*****----MeL & Marc Moments of Zen---*****
(Looking in the bathroom mirror together after washing our faces / brushing our teeth)
Me, pulling up my shirt to reveal my stomach: "Man, I really need to work on these abs this semester."
Marcus, still staring at himself but in a seemingly concerned advisor-like tone: "Why don't you just look into getting your stomach stapled. It seems to work for a lot of people."
Me, appalled & tickled at his insensitive/non-applicable advice: "Uh- like, that surgery is for the more morbidly obese I think-- besides, getting your stomach stapled will do nothing for ab formation."
Marcus, still staring at himself after a mid-chuckle: "Ugh, I really can't stand my teeth. I think I'm going to get invisalign...."
Me: "Well why don't you just get dentures. I hear they work great for a lot of people."
Marcus: "Ha, you bitch."
*************************
Marc: "I don't want you falling into that---"
MeL: "Don't worry, I'm not falling into anything...I'm jumping into it!"
************************
Marc: "Hey, I've got an idea! Since we both love condiments so much, why don't we just come up with our own ketchup!"
MeL: "Yeah, that sounds good! We'll make it like Whataburger ketchup, but somehow even better....Hrm, what would we call it?"
Marc: "Marc-Up."
MeL: ???
Marc: "Yeah, see-- 'M' for MeLissa and 'arc' for me!!"
MeL: "How generous of you."
**********************
Some weird, kinda-hot girl pledges her love to Marcus over myspace, so naturally we head to her pictures to check her out.
(Staring at her)
Marc: Hrm. She's interesting...
MeL: Yeah...
Marc: Do you think she's pretty?
Me: Yeah, she's pretty.
Marc: Do you think she's Mexican?
MeL: She's..(Cocking head in what seems to be a pause of discernment)...somethin'.
Marc: (Looks to me in sarcastic disgust)
God, you're intuitive.
**********************
Me: Oh! Go to your page, I left you a nice gift for not calling me back last night.
(Clicks over to his wall to see the "You're A Homo!" pic I left him)
Marc: Thanks a lot, doll. If I didn't exude heterosexuality I might be offended. It's not like anyone would ever think that--
MeL:Ha!
Marc: WHAT?!
MeL: No, no, no, you said the word "exude".
Marc: Well I do, baby. You know that.
MeL: Having a facebook pic featuring you and a fluffy cat is more Mr. Rodgers than Senator Schwarzneger.
Marc: (laughs) Whatever. It's not like people would say "Hey that guy is gay."
MeL: Ha!
Marc: What? ....Do people actually ask that?
MeL: All the time. But you know what? I tell them the truth. I say 'No he's NOT! He's a VIRGIN!'
Marc: (Wide eyed and shocked!) Well THANKS A LOT! That's real helpful. But I guess I can't be too mad. People ask me all the time if you're a lesbian-
MeL: WHAT?!! No they don't. Ugh! Well, what do you say??
Marc: I set them straight! I say "No she's not! She's slept with AT LEAST 200 guys!"
MeL: (Wide eyed & shocked!) HAHAHA...well at least ONE of those isn't true.
Marc: (trailing off)...Hoochie.
********************
(My home phone rings)
Me: Omagosh, it's (insert hot guy's name). I'm going to look lame sitting at home...you answer it, kay?
Marc: (rolls eyes and grabs phone) Um, hello?...Hey (cute boy's name), how are ya?...Yeah MeLissa is in the bathroom right now-
Me: (sensing approaching disaster) Okkkay, give it to me.
Marc: Yeah I don't know, let me ask her. (Turns to me) So, did you take a big dump while you were in there? He wants to know.
Me: OMG! Give me that! Ugh!
******************
(On the phone)
Me: You sound weird. What's in your mouth?
Marc: Yeah, I'm whitening my teeth right now so I've got these strips in my mouth. Forgive me if I sound like a lispy schoolgirl.
Me: Is that so? How's that going?
Marc: Good I guess, except they kinda hurt my teeth, so I'm not sure if that's good. And they leave these weird white blotches on my teeth that look ok from far away but not as good up close. But the box says they're supposed to go away.
Me: Blotches? Hrm. Why don't you just swish with peroxide? I'm sure it's a lot cheaper than those strips. Did you have to pay an arm and leg for them?
Marc: Ah, not really. I'm actually using the Equate version.
Me: LOL Equate White Strips? That's hillarious. I didn't know they made such a thing.
Marc: Ha, yeah. So we're still taking pictures this week right?
Me: Yeah and I want you to take some in a wife beater like T.J. did, I think it would look hot.
Marc: Ugh, I don't know about that. I'm really skinny and sort of have bat nipples.
Me:...Bat nipples?? I didn't even know bats had especially distinctive nipples...but no, I don't think you have bat nipples.
Marc: No--, I said ffFat nipples! Sorry, it's the Equate White Strips speaking!
*******************
(Talking about how Marcus will be in Austria for what seems like a million years)
Me: I don't want you to go! It's sooo long...
Marc: I know, I'm going to miss you so much...
Me: You're like my brother, boyfriend and girlfriend all rolled into one.
Marc:..???...ha, aww...I know. But I'll be back.
Me: ....Well just promise me that you won't be hoin' around too much while you're there....
Marc: (laughs) I don't think that will be too much of a problem.....
Me: Don't laugh, it's different overseas, you'll see. Just like that one time I went to the Dominican Republic- I wasn't even there for two weeks and ended up making out with our tour guide! He didn't speak much English, but a language barrier is nothing when you speak the language of luuuvvvv~.
Marc: ....(sigh) Oh MeLissa, what will I do without you?
************************
(Bumbling through my front door tipsy and 3 hours later than he planned on arriving, Marc makes a tall stagger toward the couch I'm perched on to hug/fall over on me.)
Marc: Sorry I'm laaaate...I just couldn't leave the bar. I started talking to an interesting bartender and the little witch conned me into leaving her a $4.32 tip!
Me: You consider that a big tip?
Marc: Well, yeah, I usually leave just a dollar or so. I'm poor. ...So what did you do tonight? Your hair is wet...and you're in a mu-mu. Why are you in a mu-mu?
Me: Because I had to take a shower and I like wearing mu-mu's.And you know what I did tonight. I watched Des. Housewives, Grey's Anatomy and waited on your scary ace to show up.
Marc: (While kicking off his shoes to be more comfortable drunkenly cuddling me in an effort to win back my good graces) Aww, I'm sorry, I should have been here with you...I wanted to be you know, it's just that I kept talking---(sniff sniff) Hey, what is that nasty smell?
Me: (sniff sniff) Uh, I don't know, I don't smell it. I just got out of the shower, so if anyone stinks it is probably you.
Marc: Ha, I know. I was going to say it stunk like dirty feet but I thought that might be a little obvious....
Me: Hahahahaha.