09/11/06 Love is more than a four letter word
Telling someone you love them comes straight from the heart. Whether it's as plain as " I love you " or something far more complicated, laced through words through almost a Shakespeare like speech.
Saying these words to someone, straight from the depths of your soul, has an effect on that person that will be everlasting as long as you stay loyal to those words.
Sometimes it will be everlasting, even as death does you part when one or the other's life comes to an end.
I've always known the meaning of love, even as my heart was broken once by the one person I thought I had loved and trusted. Love still existed, no matter how bitter our relationship was toward each other afterward.
Even as I passed on to the new love of my life.
Before now, I never really knew that words could mean so much once somebody was gone and they were never come back. Even something simple as " I love you and I always will."
It comes down to the fact of understanding.
There's no escaping the fact that such words pain so much when the person that directed them toward you will never say them again.
I can't understand. I'm too badly hurt to understand.
Words keep repeating in my head of things I never should have said, threats I've made on his name over and over just because he was playing around with me to kill him, or things he's done to make me say jokingly,
" Sometimes I wish you would die!"
Lorcan was in a very bad car accident early Saturday morning. Landed himself in worse than critical condition from the crash.
He broke all but 5 of his ribs, the broken ones inevitably damaging 80% of his internal organs. Plus, he was sent through the windshield. How I don't know, but, he did. Landing on the pavement broke his jaw and shoulder, plus horrible internal bleeding.
He wouldn'tve wanted me to see him that way but... did I have a choice?
I wasn't told about the accident until late Sunday afternoon, so lucky me; I didn't see the extent of the damage done to his body.
Lorcan wasn't coherent, conscious, or any of the above. They'd done all they could for him. His body was failing him slowly and nothing could be done. His parents didn't want to keep him alive that way.
Minus the life support and ventilators at 12 am Monday morning.
Consciousness was an on/off thing, but, awake or no, he still had the strength to hold my hand.
My thoughts just couldn't stay clear.
Of all the times we'd been together, all we'd been through, the good and the bad. Everything.
Then the guilty thoughts of when I told him I wish he'd just die, even if it was only because he was joking around.
Then came the tears and the pleading.
I know that, he uttered something. It wasn't coherent enough but, I got the jist. He said it shortly after I had started crying.
" Jenni I love you."
Lorcan's life ended at 2 o'clock this morning. I didn't cry right after then. It took a while for it to settle in my head that he was gone now, and he wasn't coming back.
I'm not unlocking my door. I don't want to talk to anyone.
I didn't want him to leave me like this. This wasn't the way it was supposed to happen, I didn't want him to die.
All those threats, I didn't want them to be real, I didn't want him to die.
I never wanted him to die.
...we promised each other together forever then... look at how fast life turned and shot me in the back of the head.
Lorcan whatever I did in the past, I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry.
I wish I could've apoligized before this happened. For everything.
I...
I don't want to live without you Lorcan...
I don't think I can.
Lorcan Jacob Nathanial O'Dea
Aged 17
Forever in our hearts and in our thoughts <3
Aishiteru Lorcan. I'll always love you, even in death.