How can you find focus?
So, it seems that really... I have no idea what's going on anymore. I'm told so many different things that I get confused, I'm told I have to be different, act different, look different, and I feel I've lost perspective of who I really am.
I've lost direction, I've lost meaning. I don't know what's going on anymore. The only constant thing I have is Elaine. And how I love her. That would really, be the only thing I know anymore. And even with that, I'm so terrified of messing it up, that I worry about it too. But at the same time, she's all I can think of. I find myself wanting to be with her when we're not. I want to talk to her all the time. I message her about every little stupid thing on my mind, and she still doesn't get sick of me. 3 relationships I've had... ended because they essentially were just sick of me... I can't shake that.
But what else should there be in my life? I've become angry, possibly from confusion, from changing too much and trying to still be the same. Life just doesn't really make a lot of sense right now. And yet, the one thing I keep thinking, and feeling, is I want to marry her. Which I know is crazy. I got another phone bill today... Another bill over 3500 min (that's 58 hours... 2 whole days of my month) on the phone. Almost 300 text messages sent... I spent the past 2 days with her and will see her tonight, and I don't feel the slightest bit different. I still want to talk to her, to see her. 4 months...
It's strange how you never expect to feel this way. It kind of just creeps up on you and takes control. Never have I felt ANY of these feelings before.
Looking back I've always had this stupid depressed kind of slump. I always think, I always worry. But it hadn't ever affected me like this.
I lose focus so easily now. School just doesn't interest me. Work... just piles more and more on. Games amuse me for a very minimal amount of time. Movies are only fun when I watch them with her. I've definately found a creative spark though. I draw all the time. Mostly of her, but it's good. It's a relief. Music drowns out my thoughts and my hands just take control. I don't even spend time on the computer much anymore.
The funny thing is, when I'm with her, none of this ^^ stuff matters. I forget about worries, I forget about thinking, I'm never mad, I'm just me, and I'm just happy.
I suppose what bugs me most is since this is all new to me, I don't know how much is normal. I know people who have been in relationships for years, but I don't know how they feel. Is this normal? How can I talk to her for 5 hours at a time, then have only a brief time when I'm not talking to her and then spend 8 hours with her and not get bored, not run out of things to say. How come everytime she's not with me, I think about her, I miss her? I look at her and fall in love again every time. What's to say anything is normal I suppose. Maybe I'm just not capable of truely letting someone else love me? All my life I had depended on myself for everything.
It's funny though. She makes me want to take those risks I never have before. I find myself doing all the special stupid little things I never could with anyone else. I've completely opened myself up to her, and maybe that's what's scariest of all. But I've realised that you have to take a risk sometime, as much as there's the chance of pain, it can truely work out anyway.
Ah, I just think to much. And I'm probably to obsessed with myself. I just don't know what to think anymore.
I've lost direction, I've lost meaning. I don't know what's going on anymore. The only constant thing I have is Elaine. And how I love her. That would really, be the only thing I know anymore. And even with that, I'm so terrified of messing it up, that I worry about it too. But at the same time, she's all I can think of. I find myself wanting to be with her when we're not. I want to talk to her all the time. I message her about every little stupid thing on my mind, and she still doesn't get sick of me. 3 relationships I've had... ended because they essentially were just sick of me... I can't shake that.
But what else should there be in my life? I've become angry, possibly from confusion, from changing too much and trying to still be the same. Life just doesn't really make a lot of sense right now. And yet, the one thing I keep thinking, and feeling, is I want to marry her. Which I know is crazy. I got another phone bill today... Another bill over 3500 min (that's 58 hours... 2 whole days of my month) on the phone. Almost 300 text messages sent... I spent the past 2 days with her and will see her tonight, and I don't feel the slightest bit different. I still want to talk to her, to see her. 4 months...
It's strange how you never expect to feel this way. It kind of just creeps up on you and takes control. Never have I felt ANY of these feelings before.
Looking back I've always had this stupid depressed kind of slump. I always think, I always worry. But it hadn't ever affected me like this.
I lose focus so easily now. School just doesn't interest me. Work... just piles more and more on. Games amuse me for a very minimal amount of time. Movies are only fun when I watch them with her. I've definately found a creative spark though. I draw all the time. Mostly of her, but it's good. It's a relief. Music drowns out my thoughts and my hands just take control. I don't even spend time on the computer much anymore.
The funny thing is, when I'm with her, none of this ^^ stuff matters. I forget about worries, I forget about thinking, I'm never mad, I'm just me, and I'm just happy.
I suppose what bugs me most is since this is all new to me, I don't know how much is normal. I know people who have been in relationships for years, but I don't know how they feel. Is this normal? How can I talk to her for 5 hours at a time, then have only a brief time when I'm not talking to her and then spend 8 hours with her and not get bored, not run out of things to say. How come everytime she's not with me, I think about her, I miss her? I look at her and fall in love again every time. What's to say anything is normal I suppose. Maybe I'm just not capable of truely letting someone else love me? All my life I had depended on myself for everything.
It's funny though. She makes me want to take those risks I never have before. I find myself doing all the special stupid little things I never could with anyone else. I've completely opened myself up to her, and maybe that's what's scariest of all. But I've realised that you have to take a risk sometime, as much as there's the chance of pain, it can truely work out anyway.
Ah, I just think to much. And I'm probably to obsessed with myself. I just don't know what to think anymore.