Update 10.19.10
Yes, I am once again at home today. I don't know what is up with me. I'm really trying to figure it out and it's really bothering me. I can't seem to keep it together for longer than a couple days.
I know that all the stress around planning for the wedding, worrying about everything being ready in time, the little tugs in the pit of my stomach making me fear family drama, and the fact that a wedding and marriage is so huge...all of that is making me kind of crazy. I have been having anxiety attacks, mostly last week. I am going to my doctor today to find out what I can do and if I can get an RX for an anti-anxiety medication. I already take a small dosage of Wellbutrin everyday, but that doesn't really treat anxiety. I sometimes worry that my mental illness is getting worse, but I know that I really can't assess that until things have calmed down, because right now, my life isn't normal.
It's just amazing to me because I have such a problem dealing with just basic life events sometimes, that I worry that I won't be able to deal when I have children and all the stuff that comes with that. I think part of the problem is that I build things up in my head a lot. For instance, I had built up the marriage idea so much and for so long, that now, even though other people do it everyday, I see it as this HUGE thing. I am not getting cold feet about actually getting married to Shaun. I think it's more the idea that I have thought about the day so much and it's only a month away now. It's really becoming real, no longer just something talked about, and that is causing anxiety, even though I don't feel scared.
Anxiety and panic/anxiety attacks are very strange creatures. I can be sitting at my desk at work or even driving. It usually starts with the feeling that a small person is sitting right on my chest and I struggle to breathe. Next, I notice my heart is racing. I think my heart races even more because I'm now realizing that I'm having an attack, and I'm scared and freaking because I hate the feeling. I always think I'll be able to cut it short by thinking calming thoughts and taking deep breaths, but it usually doesn't cut it short. The next thing is always tingling and sweaty palms. All of these symptoms present at the same time, but I don't notice them all at once. It's usually the chest suffocation first.
Ultimately, I just want to feel normal. I wish I didn't need to take medication, I wish I didn't constantly wonder if I have what my mother and/or father have. I know that I handle most things better than I witnessed when I was a kid. However, I have fewer stress-inducing events in my daily life than my mother had to deal with. I feel bogged down by worry. Bogged down by the daily grind. Bogged down by the feeling that no matter what I do, I will always have this heavy load of mental illness on my back. Even with the right medications, the medications cause other side effects. A normally functioning human being shouldn't have to take medications to stay alive, or to function in day-to-day life. But, I do, and therefore I don't feel like I can say I'm normal. That makes me sad and makes me worried that I will pass something on to my children. The only saving grace is that Shaun is very healthy mentally and so I just pray that any children we have get that stability from him.
I know that all the stress around planning for the wedding, worrying about everything being ready in time, the little tugs in the pit of my stomach making me fear family drama, and the fact that a wedding and marriage is so huge...all of that is making me kind of crazy. I have been having anxiety attacks, mostly last week. I am going to my doctor today to find out what I can do and if I can get an RX for an anti-anxiety medication. I already take a small dosage of Wellbutrin everyday, but that doesn't really treat anxiety. I sometimes worry that my mental illness is getting worse, but I know that I really can't assess that until things have calmed down, because right now, my life isn't normal.
It's just amazing to me because I have such a problem dealing with just basic life events sometimes, that I worry that I won't be able to deal when I have children and all the stuff that comes with that. I think part of the problem is that I build things up in my head a lot. For instance, I had built up the marriage idea so much and for so long, that now, even though other people do it everyday, I see it as this HUGE thing. I am not getting cold feet about actually getting married to Shaun. I think it's more the idea that I have thought about the day so much and it's only a month away now. It's really becoming real, no longer just something talked about, and that is causing anxiety, even though I don't feel scared.
Anxiety and panic/anxiety attacks are very strange creatures. I can be sitting at my desk at work or even driving. It usually starts with the feeling that a small person is sitting right on my chest and I struggle to breathe. Next, I notice my heart is racing. I think my heart races even more because I'm now realizing that I'm having an attack, and I'm scared and freaking because I hate the feeling. I always think I'll be able to cut it short by thinking calming thoughts and taking deep breaths, but it usually doesn't cut it short. The next thing is always tingling and sweaty palms. All of these symptoms present at the same time, but I don't notice them all at once. It's usually the chest suffocation first.
Ultimately, I just want to feel normal. I wish I didn't need to take medication, I wish I didn't constantly wonder if I have what my mother and/or father have. I know that I handle most things better than I witnessed when I was a kid. However, I have fewer stress-inducing events in my daily life than my mother had to deal with. I feel bogged down by worry. Bogged down by the daily grind. Bogged down by the feeling that no matter what I do, I will always have this heavy load of mental illness on my back. Even with the right medications, the medications cause other side effects. A normally functioning human being shouldn't have to take medications to stay alive, or to function in day-to-day life. But, I do, and therefore I don't feel like I can say I'm normal. That makes me sad and makes me worried that I will pass something on to my children. The only saving grace is that Shaun is very healthy mentally and so I just pray that any children we have get that stability from him.