Character Journal Entry for Myzra - Mythic Realms
((Completely Out of Character, but interesting enough to post.))
I remember all too well the passions of my youth. When I would have fiery arguments with those I felt had wronged me, seethe with anger at every slight and plot the demise of those who had crossed me. When I was able to embrace the ideals of love in its innocence with one who taught me the strange new concept of hope. We were the heroes back then before this new age of political machinations. That was before the world ended itself yet again only to be snatched back from the flames of oblivion at the last moment. When our disputes were settled between one another, or perhaps with the assistance of those within our town. Now it is a matter of whom has more strings to pull on higher tiers of power. There is no honor in this world and we are a band of thieves that each seek our own power in our smaller bands within the group. Experience is a harsh mistress that has given me knowledge that none other could. In the end, none of it actually matters. Whether I had plotted to kill someone in my youth or not, they are gone now by other means. There is not a single person remaining in my life from my initial days as an adventurer that I still hold ties to. Sir Ambassador Venai, Magistrate Mosenwrath and a few others were about, but anyone I have ever been close to has simply vanished in time.
No matter what alliances we make, whose hearts we mend or break or friendships we invest ourselves in, the lives of an adventurer are much too chaotic to expect any form of long term stability. Everyone who honestly makes any real difference eventually finds another path or simply becomes too worn down by our profession. Where is Korvinri Kethavel who fought La'Ghoul the World Eater? What of Shalamar Skullcleaver who defeated Arch Lich Tal Sigor? Even the great Wind Machin Shin V'lorlich is now nothing more but something spoken of in whispers or jest who remains in his tower with his horde of knowledge and magical trinkets. Whether we fight beside them or try to kill them, those we adventure with will remain or leave eventually no matter what. In the years that come, those who were once embittered enemies now share a table with me to reminisce of times past because simply put, all others they would do such with are no longer about. Having shared the experience at all, even if from opposing viewpoints, becomes a tie that binds people together. Once the passion dies down and the outcome of whatever significant event becomes buried under more recent happenings, all that we have left in this world are the people in our lives. Ultimately, an adventurer ends up alone or must sacrifice being an adventurer to remain with those who become dear to them.
It frustrates me that two I have chosen to care for are at a crossroads that I myself have once faced. There are lessons in life that can only be learned through personal experience and I must step back and remain uninvolved while I wait to see where the pieces fall. I remember all too clearly my own actions that led to my alienation from the entire town of Westgate as I awaited legal judgment for my actions of betrayal. The outcome of such did much to influence my view of myself and the world around me. I went to Korvinri, who was the acting Mayor, and asked him for his punishment after he had left me waiting for nearly two months of deliberation. His words startled me in that I was forced to expand my view beyond that of my expectations and I will remember them until my day of final death. His reply when I asked him what was going to happen was: "Nothing. There isn't anything I could do to you that would be worse then what you have already done to yourself. I have given an order that you are under my personal protection and not to be killed, and believe me there is more than one person that wants to see you dead right now. I don't need to do anything because you've already punished yourself." At first I thought him to be a fool and that I had avoided punishment all together, but his words resounded deeper within me after contemplation. There was wisdom in his insight as to what was actually of value in my life. Was it my pride that deserved my focus, or my alliances with others? At the end of the day, what really mattered? I came to the realization that no matter how secure I became in my own superiority, it meant little if there was no one and nothing in my life to share it with. My House was a nest of spiders each weaving their political webs, but the adventurers were something more than that. They shared a purpose in accomplishing something beyond themselves individually in this world. In that moment I realized the utter stupidity of such a selfish existence.
I knew even then that I was no hero, but I would endeavor to offer what I could to those who would somehow matter. Since then the heroes of old have been rewritten into villains by those who remain even in the great library of Roum itself, but the effect that those who have come before us still linger on this world whether most would realize it or not. Had I not come to such an understanding, I would still act as I see others do now. Selfish, self indulgent and utterly secure in my own abilities beyond whatever wisdom or advisement was offered by those more seasoned than myself. I am more fortunate than most in that I was not simply given to final obliteration before I could learn and evolve beyond my past behavior. Both of them deserve such a chance to season as well, but I fear that they will snuff one another out like candles caught in an angry wind. Had I truly the strength of an adventurer, I would accept their loss and continue onward. But before I was an adventurer, I was a Mother. Not in the sense of the Xelaqua word, but in that I had emotional attachment enough to my child that I began adventuring to seek out his Patron. Perhaps I have never completely separated the two as I continue to develop protective attachments, especially to younger male xelaque I come upon. I have seen in others what becomes of separating ones mind from their heart in Sir Galena and would not choose such a path for myself, and as such I accept my own weakness. It is better to face oblivion as yourself than to live forever in a lie. They will judge me by their perceptions and I will be labeled for my actions, but I am secure enough now in my own identity to not care anymore. I only hope they will find a similar security in their own lives someday rather than wasting their time fighting so hard to prove themselves. Perhaps they will find more meaning in this world than in in the utter futility of their actions, perhaps not. Either way, I wish them both well in finding what path they may. Should they both survive, perhaps someday they will also a join me at a table to speak of such things over wine if only to remind ourselves that any of this happened at all when all other witnesses have long since vanished from our lives or perhaps this very world.