They've been talkin bout me I hear them whisper It makes me think there must be somethin wrong w/me.
I love my sister. I do. And no one in this family, in this whole fucking world, has done as much for me as she has.
She took me in when I had nowhere else to go and paid for my food, my shelter, my clothes. She took out a loan for me so that I could finish school. She helped me get my first and second car. She took in a dog that I brought home that needed help and she let me keep a kitten I found. My sister takes me and my friends out to eat and she always tries to make them feel welcome. She even bought me a laptop b/c the computer that she had her husband build for me was wearing down. She helped me because she loves me and wants to see me do better. She helped me because no one helped her and she didn't want me to go through that. I could have been stuck living with my parents for 2 years or I could have failed out of school because I couldn't get good grades and work full-time to pay for an apartment. If I had lived with my parents, it wouldn't have been a help because they're not too much better off than I am and I would have had to help them pay bills.
Now I know that a lot of my friends don't like her because of the way she treats me and makes me feel. It pisses me off even though I know it's true. You don't bite the hand that feeds. Living with her, I have had more than enough time and resources to save money and look for a better job.
Sadly, I completely failed to do the first and have barely done the second. I don't have confidence in myself or that my degree means anything and so I have not been hired. It would be easier, I'm sure, if I had higher self-esteem and thought I was worth something, but that's hard to do when you're constantly reminded of how much you've failed by the one person who has stood beside you the entire time.
I hear her talk about how frustrated she is with me and I can't blame her. I would be too. I have had so much time to bring my credit up and save money to get a new place. Instead, I've fucked around and spent all of my money and then some. I will never ask her for money because I would rather have a negative balance than deal with the way she makes me feel when I've fucked up yet again.
And once again, I can't deny that I have really messed up. I may have ruined my entire life and all of the hopes that I have for the future. But dammit, my family crushes whatever hope I have whenever I get it. They don't do it on purpose, but when I say "The glass is half-full", they say "Of what?" And then I'm not sure if it's apple juice or piss. This family is poison and I have to get away from it. But to be honest, I'm afraid. I've been stuck here, living this same life every day, that I'm seriously starting to doubt that it hasn't always been this way. I've forgotten how to live any other way.
And the worst part is that I'm not living and I know it. I know I need to do something to change, but it's difficult to change everything that you are. And I've never wanted to just not exist so much in my entire life. I've just been told that I need to get a job as a cashier or anything because that's better than nothing. I know that I deserve more than that, but no one does that's hiring and it makes me feel so worthless and like so much wasted space. Never before have I felt as absolutely low as I do right at this moment. And I'm so scared that it's just going to get worse.
She's the only person (besides myself) that can make me feel this way and I know that it's only because I let her. But no one understands just how much her opinion means to me. She's so much more than a sister to me and she doesn't even know what she does to me with just a look or a frustrated sigh. She has no clue how much she hurts me. She's been there for everything in my life. When my mom had to get a job, it was this sister who had to become my mother and guiding hand. She told me everything and I told her everything. She was my idol because she was so strong and no one had any power over her. But I was always there to see her fall apart and help put her back together. I was there the night she met her husband and I was one of her bridesmaids. When she was barely getting by on her own, she made sure that I had new clothes to go to college in because I was still wearing things from Jr. High. We wanted to kill each other when we were younger, but she made sure that no one touched me in high school. Her friends looked out for me and it made me look better when seniors would walk by and greet this lowly freshman like I mattered. And I know I did, but I'm sure you all remember how fucked up high school was. I can never truly express what she is to me. She has always been there for me. Even when I was scared to stay by myself in my apartment when my roommates all left me at the last minute, she drove an hour just so that I wouldn't have to be by myself. Just so I wouldn't have to spend the night alone.
Yes, she makes me feel like shit sometimes, but it's because she knows that I'm not living up to my potential and it frustrates her and makes her feel like all of her help has been for nothing. Because I haven't changed. I haven't grown up at all. And now, her view of my potential has gone down so far that it's nearly non-existent and there's no one to blame but myself. She even had to make sure I did my homework like I was in fucking first grade or something.
But I was always glad to do my homework in first grade. Somewhere, at some point in my life, I changed and for the worse. I stopped trying to be my absolute best and decided that if I didn't try my hardest and failed, it was only because I hadn't tried my hardest, not because I wasn't good enough. But that backfired royally because now I don't think I'm good enough. The change was so gradual that I have no clue when it started or when it finally succeeded in turning me against myself. I am my own worst enemy and there's no treaty in sight. It feels like the war is over and I'm in ruins. I know some of what needs to be done, but it all seems so impossible. When I look ahead, I don't see a future. I don't see anything and I think that scares me most of all.
I don't remember what the original point of this rant was, but I just had to get this out. Please, someone find me Pandora's Box and give me the hope she trapped inside.
It's sitting by the overcoat
The second shelf, the note she wrote
That I can't bring myself to throw away
And also
Reach she said for no one else but you,
Cuz you won't turn away
When someone else is gone
I'm sorry bout the attitude
I need to give when I'm with you
But no one else would take this shit from me
And I'm so
Terrified of no one else but me
I'm here all the time
I won't go away
It's me, yeah I can't get myself to go away
It's me, and I can't get myself to go away
Oh God I shouldn't feel this way
(chorus)
Reach down your hand in your pocket
Pull out your hope for me
It's been a long day, always ain't that right
And no lord your hand won't stop it
Just keep you trembling
It's been a long day, always ain't that right
Well I'm surprised that you'd believe
In any thing that comes from me
I didn't hear from you or from someone else
And you're so
Set in life man, a pisser they're waiting
Too damn bad you get so far so fast
So what, so long