happy birthmas to me...
i've made my way through another spin around the sun.
it has, quite possibly, been the worst 12 months of my life to date. now, admittedly, i've deliberately thrown out a lot of memories, but i don't think i can recall a year that has been this fucking shit.
so much has been lost this year. so very fucking much. and the worst part? knowing the tide has yet to finish its way out, which means more loss to come.
whilst tomorrow should be a celebration, and i'll do my best to remember that fact, it reminds me of 2 dates yet to come this year that i'm not particularly wanting to remember, but which stand out all too clearly. it's like a slow motion sequence in a film, or tv show, when a main character is about to have a horrible accident - perfect example: clara oswald's death in "face the raven" - time slows down, movements lengthen, sound is distorted. these next 5 weeks are going to be harder than this time last year, for many reasons.
thing is, much of what has happened in these past 12 months has opened my eyes a great deal. i now know that loyalty doesn't pay, but neither does complacency.
so, this birthmas, i'm going to try to remember who i am, because i've been lost in a lot of fallout, and i'd much rather just be my usual carefree self, who analyzes things too deeply. this is going to mean a lot of goodbyes, and possibly a couple of very painful ones, but i know it shall be for the best.
getting old sucks, so this is my treat to myself.
