Dec 02, 2008 18:55
I was thinking in the shower this morning as I often do, and I started to wonder idly about something. So, I think I'm going to make this an exercise in expressive writing instead of just giving the details. I've numbered this post in the hopes that I will continue this way of writing about things I want to talk about but just can't really find the words for.
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Every wonder why we do what we do?
Mai was leaning against the wall with the telephone reciever in her hand. Her best friend Sora was on the other end of the line. "So, will you come along?", Sora had asked. Mai, wasn't feeling good about this. Sora had asked her to come along to an event. Mai, knew that she should go to support her friend, but at the same time, her gut was telling her not to.
Mai weighed the do's and don'ts and the right thing to do versus the wrong thing to do. Sora, was trying to let Mai into an intimate area, a world of Sora's that Mai was not familiar with, something she didnt' participate in. It was all harmless - sit there, wait for it to all be over, cheer Sora on when it was appropriate. But, Mai didn't know anybody, and it was all foreign to her. It was uncomfortable to her, even if it was at the request of her best friend.
Quick. Make a decision. Say something. Anything. "No, I don't believe I'll be able to make it Sora.", Mai confessed as earnestly as she could. "I have an exam on Monday and a project due Tuesday with a partner that hasn't shouldered their weight of the work. I'm terribly sorry."
Sora sighed. She had tried. She had tried to include Mai in the important things in her life, but Mai was as stubborn as ever. These reasons that Mai presented though seemed valid enough.
"It's your loss. We'll catch up when I get back". The girls exchanged their goodbyes and Mai hung up the phone. She wasn't terribly pleased with herself, and started to go over what the losses would be for not deciding to go.
While the exam and the project were on her schedule of things to do, she certainly could have allowed herself to take a break from all that work and have a little fun. Why hadn't she decided to go. It may have been awkward, but she certainly wouldn't have lost anything and she didn't have anything to be afraid of. Afraid. Was she afraid? Was she afraid of being put into a situation she couldn't control? Was she afraid of getting hurt somehow? Did she have some sort of phobia to new experiences? These thoughts lulled through her head as she sat down at the kitchen table. She lifted her mug to sip her tea, but put it back down again when she realized that what was once a nice warm brew of cinnamon tea was now cold sugary water.
She sighed. Mai hated it when she made decisions like that. It's like she denied herself to have a good time for once. What was holding her back? She suddenly felt very alone, and she knew that her hermitish self was rearing its ugly head. She wasn't anti-social, not by far, but every once in a while things like this came up, and during those times she'd shudder away and lock herself up and shut herself in.
The part that bothered her most was that she could not figure out why she did such things to herself, and everytime a situation like this arises, she will always ask the question... why?
expressive thoughts