A bit of everything ..
Fuck this. I am venting. I am letting out everything I've ever wanted to and need to right here right now. If you don't like it, fuck you.
------
I am tired of people from The Sato bothering me about every little thing. NO everything is not my fault. NO I cannot do everything. I'm sorry, I can't. I am thirteen fucking years old. I have school. I have a family. I have friends. I have a boyfriend. I have a life. There are a lot of things that right now take priority over fixing a walkthrough that was PERFECT and then fucked up by someone else. Things have priority over voting for your jutsu, clans, or systems.
I love you all to death. But fuck, please leave me alone sometimes. You know why?
THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE WHO CAN DO IT!
I AM NOT THE ONLY KAGE.
Yes, I am the Head of the Gokage. I am the Rokudaime Hokage of Konohagakure no Sato. And I'm damn proud of it. You know why?
I'M 13
Yes, that's right.
I have been able to climb above people who are up to 10 years older than myself. I have shown more maturity, dedication, and intelligence than them. I have gained more respect than them. I have worked harder than them.
I DESERVE to be where I am now. I deserve the respect. Yes, for the FIRST time in my life I am admitting to myself and letting everyone know that I deserve something I've earned and I am completely and utterly PROUD of it.
But you know what pisses me the fuck off?
The fact that everyone disregards the fact that I am human.
That I am just beginning my life.
That I have a life.
I put up away messages blatantly saying that I'm feeling ill. Saying that I do not want to talk to people. I tell people when I'm talking to them "I'm not in a good mood." "I feel like shit." "I really hate this"
AND. THEY. DON'T. CARE.
These are people who are my FRIENDS
THEY DON'T GIVE A FLYING SHIT ABOUT ME.
They just go on and on. "Hey, I have this idea!" "Look at this!" "help me!"
And you know what, on and off the site, in school, outside of school- EVERYWHERE- happens, that drives me crazy?
I DO SO FUCKING MUCH FOR EVERYONE. NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES THEY'VE STABBED ME IN THE BACK. NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES THEY'VE MADE MY CRY, OR CUT MYSELF, OR THROW MY INTO AN ABYSS OF MISERY- I AM STILL THERE FOR THEM.
AND YET NO ONE GIVES A FLYING FUCK ABOUT WHEN I'M UPSET. WHENEVER I VENT. WHENEVER I CRY. WHENEVER I TRY TO EXPLAIN WHY I'M UPSET LIKE THEY SO DESPERATELY WANT ME TO, THEY JOKE.
THEY JOKE. THEY LAUGH. THEY DON'T TAKE IT SERIOUSLY. THEY SAY "Oh .. that happened before. I know what you mean. Lets go on about how it happened to me and MY problems with it"
LETS ALL IM ALISON WITH OUR PROBLEMS.
I love to help people.
I love it.
It's why I'm making it my career.
But dammit. sometimes .. sometimes I just .. I want someone to just worry about me
I want it to all about me for once.
And I feel so god damn sick saying that but it's TRUE. I don't want to have to worry about everyone but myself and for one day just worry about myself. Have someone else- EVERYONE ELSE worry about me.
I moved here when I was 5 years old and for the past 8 years I have been stabbed in the back, used, and thrown away. Over and over and fucking over again.
I have had to take care of everyone else. When their friends stabbed them in the back, I was there for them. And then I got theirs in my back.
I never had anyone to take out those knives.
I was there to take care of my brother as he dealt with all of the girls that broke his heart. I was there for him when my parents were kicking him out of the house. I was there for him when my dad tried to beat the shit out of him.
I was there for my mom when they fought. I was there for my mom when my dad hurt her. When my dad put her down.
I was there for my dad when my mom drank. I was there for him when he felt guilty.
My brother was there for me ..
Until he grew up. Until I saw him less and less. Until he started to always be out with his friends, constantly, or with his girlfriend.
And then I started to see him again.
I had my brother back.
BUT HE'S GONE NOW.
AND I WON'T EVER GET HIM BACK.
I WON'T EVER BE ABLE TO HUG HIM AGAIN. OR SMACK HIM. OR HEAR HIS VOICE. OR SEE HIM WALK INTO THE DOOR.
And I'm not over that.
And I'm scared that I won't ever have anyone to confide in again. That I won't ever have anyone that I can tell everything to. That I won't ever have anyone that I can tell my secret and problems and hopes to. Because so far everyone's just stabbed me in the back. My walls are getting thicker. They were never destroyed; they were only hidden.
Even on The Sato, it seems like everyone's secretly out to get at each other's throats. I am talking about shit like this
[21:58] Naishouyka: He is the Kage
[21:58] Naishouyka: you work for him
[21:58] Naishouyka: so shh
[21:58] RaxTrav: i work for suna
[21:58] Naishouyka: He is the heart of Suna
[21:59] RaxTrav: hes just at the top chair
[21:59] Naishouyka: ...yeah you are a lost soul...
[21:59] RaxTrav: im the second longest standing member of suna (Inashi beats me by one day)
[21:59] RaxTrav: i think i know where i belong
[22:00] Naishouyka: That means what?
[22:00] RaxTrav: it means im as far from a "lost soul" as they come
[22:01] Naishouyka: You must be because you don't know your job
[22:01] RaxTrav: do you even know what my job is
[22:01] Naishouyka: ...councel members are to advice actions for leadership...aka the Kage...
The people that you're supposed to be able to trust.
Work with.
Be friends with.
Out to get you.
YOU'RE ALL FUCKING SICK.
EVERY FUCKING ONE OF YOU. YOU'RE ALL DISGUSTING.
I HATE YOU.
I hate how you treat everyone like shit. I hate how you all think you're so fucking amazing. I hate how you all think you're above everyone else. Whether you're on the site or not.
I DON'T WANT TO BE A CYNICIST.
BUT FUCK. WHEN I SEE THINGS LIKE THIS.
When I see how badly me and Cassie are treated. How we are just back up friends to everyone that you only come to to vent to and get advice from ... it makes me sick. It makes me sad. It makes me wish I were as selfish as you. It makes me wish I had never met you.
I wish I were ignorant. I wish I had no idea the world were like this. And you know what? I've known it for far too long. I was never ingorant. I was never a child
I've grown up way too fast. I love it. I love when people are proud of me .. say I'm mature .. say they forget I'm 13.
But sometimes I wish I were 13. Sometimes I wish I could be a stupid fucking kid with friends without worrying about what rumors they're going to spread about me the next day, or having to cater to people online when I get home.
I wish I had been Molly Fellici growing up.
Or Carly Gundrum.
But I am so fucking glad I wasn't.
You know why?
Because I am so much stronger than they can ever hope to be.
I've dealt with bullshit. I've dealt with lies. Deceit. Heartbreak. Heartbreaking. Work. Being lost. Being confused. Dealing with things that people shouldn't have to deal with. Knowing that people have it worse than me.
YES. HA. THAT'S WHAT SEPERATES ME FROM SO MANY OTHERS.
I REALIZE THAT THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO WOULD LOVE TO BE AS FORTUNATE AS I AM.
That's why I don't tell anyone how I feel. Or what's bothering me.
Because I know it's not that bad.
Because I know people have it worse.
But then things just get worse for me. And no matter how little they may be, I wish all of my problems would disappear. Poof. I wish life would be easy for once, even if it's harder for others. I wish I could not care about anything for a day. Just a day. Then things would return to normal. That my life would return to be the life I hate.
The life I love
The life I have.
------
I am tired of people from The Sato bothering me about every little thing. NO everything is not my fault. NO I cannot do everything. I'm sorry, I can't. I am thirteen fucking years old. I have school. I have a family. I have friends. I have a boyfriend. I have a life. There are a lot of things that right now take priority over fixing a walkthrough that was PERFECT and then fucked up by someone else. Things have priority over voting for your jutsu, clans, or systems.
I love you all to death. But fuck, please leave me alone sometimes. You know why?
THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE WHO CAN DO IT!
I AM NOT THE ONLY KAGE.
Yes, I am the Head of the Gokage. I am the Rokudaime Hokage of Konohagakure no Sato. And I'm damn proud of it. You know why?
I'M 13
Yes, that's right.
I have been able to climb above people who are up to 10 years older than myself. I have shown more maturity, dedication, and intelligence than them. I have gained more respect than them. I have worked harder than them.
I DESERVE to be where I am now. I deserve the respect. Yes, for the FIRST time in my life I am admitting to myself and letting everyone know that I deserve something I've earned and I am completely and utterly PROUD of it.
But you know what pisses me the fuck off?
The fact that everyone disregards the fact that I am human.
That I am just beginning my life.
That I have a life.
I put up away messages blatantly saying that I'm feeling ill. Saying that I do not want to talk to people. I tell people when I'm talking to them "I'm not in a good mood." "I feel like shit." "I really hate this"
AND. THEY. DON'T. CARE.
These are people who are my FRIENDS
THEY DON'T GIVE A FLYING SHIT ABOUT ME.
They just go on and on. "Hey, I have this idea!" "Look at this!" "help me!"
And you know what, on and off the site, in school, outside of school- EVERYWHERE- happens, that drives me crazy?
I DO SO FUCKING MUCH FOR EVERYONE. NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES THEY'VE STABBED ME IN THE BACK. NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES THEY'VE MADE MY CRY, OR CUT MYSELF, OR THROW MY INTO AN ABYSS OF MISERY- I AM STILL THERE FOR THEM.
AND YET NO ONE GIVES A FLYING FUCK ABOUT WHEN I'M UPSET. WHENEVER I VENT. WHENEVER I CRY. WHENEVER I TRY TO EXPLAIN WHY I'M UPSET LIKE THEY SO DESPERATELY WANT ME TO, THEY JOKE.
THEY JOKE. THEY LAUGH. THEY DON'T TAKE IT SERIOUSLY. THEY SAY "Oh .. that happened before. I know what you mean. Lets go on about how it happened to me and MY problems with it"
LETS ALL IM ALISON WITH OUR PROBLEMS.
I love to help people.
I love it.
It's why I'm making it my career.
But dammit. sometimes .. sometimes I just .. I want someone to just worry about me
I want it to all about me for once.
And I feel so god damn sick saying that but it's TRUE. I don't want to have to worry about everyone but myself and for one day just worry about myself. Have someone else- EVERYONE ELSE worry about me.
I moved here when I was 5 years old and for the past 8 years I have been stabbed in the back, used, and thrown away. Over and over and fucking over again.
I have had to take care of everyone else. When their friends stabbed them in the back, I was there for them. And then I got theirs in my back.
I never had anyone to take out those knives.
I was there to take care of my brother as he dealt with all of the girls that broke his heart. I was there for him when my parents were kicking him out of the house. I was there for him when my dad tried to beat the shit out of him.
I was there for my mom when they fought. I was there for my mom when my dad hurt her. When my dad put her down.
I was there for my dad when my mom drank. I was there for him when he felt guilty.
My brother was there for me ..
Until he grew up. Until I saw him less and less. Until he started to always be out with his friends, constantly, or with his girlfriend.
And then I started to see him again.
I had my brother back.
BUT HE'S GONE NOW.
AND I WON'T EVER GET HIM BACK.
I WON'T EVER BE ABLE TO HUG HIM AGAIN. OR SMACK HIM. OR HEAR HIS VOICE. OR SEE HIM WALK INTO THE DOOR.
And I'm not over that.
And I'm scared that I won't ever have anyone to confide in again. That I won't ever have anyone that I can tell everything to. That I won't ever have anyone that I can tell my secret and problems and hopes to. Because so far everyone's just stabbed me in the back. My walls are getting thicker. They were never destroyed; they were only hidden.
Even on The Sato, it seems like everyone's secretly out to get at each other's throats. I am talking about shit like this
[21:58] Naishouyka: He is the Kage
[21:58] Naishouyka: you work for him
[21:58] Naishouyka: so shh
[21:58] RaxTrav: i work for suna
[21:58] Naishouyka: He is the heart of Suna
[21:59] RaxTrav: hes just at the top chair
[21:59] Naishouyka: ...yeah you are a lost soul...
[21:59] RaxTrav: im the second longest standing member of suna (Inashi beats me by one day)
[21:59] RaxTrav: i think i know where i belong
[22:00] Naishouyka: That means what?
[22:00] RaxTrav: it means im as far from a "lost soul" as they come
[22:01] Naishouyka: You must be because you don't know your job
[22:01] RaxTrav: do you even know what my job is
[22:01] Naishouyka: ...councel members are to advice actions for leadership...aka the Kage...
The people that you're supposed to be able to trust.
Work with.
Be friends with.
Out to get you.
YOU'RE ALL FUCKING SICK.
EVERY FUCKING ONE OF YOU. YOU'RE ALL DISGUSTING.
I HATE YOU.
I hate how you treat everyone like shit. I hate how you all think you're so fucking amazing. I hate how you all think you're above everyone else. Whether you're on the site or not.
I DON'T WANT TO BE A CYNICIST.
BUT FUCK. WHEN I SEE THINGS LIKE THIS.
When I see how badly me and Cassie are treated. How we are just back up friends to everyone that you only come to to vent to and get advice from ... it makes me sick. It makes me sad. It makes me wish I were as selfish as you. It makes me wish I had never met you.
I wish I were ignorant. I wish I had no idea the world were like this. And you know what? I've known it for far too long. I was never ingorant. I was never a child
I've grown up way too fast. I love it. I love when people are proud of me .. say I'm mature .. say they forget I'm 13.
But sometimes I wish I were 13. Sometimes I wish I could be a stupid fucking kid with friends without worrying about what rumors they're going to spread about me the next day, or having to cater to people online when I get home.
I wish I had been Molly Fellici growing up.
Or Carly Gundrum.
But I am so fucking glad I wasn't.
You know why?
Because I am so much stronger than they can ever hope to be.
I've dealt with bullshit. I've dealt with lies. Deceit. Heartbreak. Heartbreaking. Work. Being lost. Being confused. Dealing with things that people shouldn't have to deal with. Knowing that people have it worse than me.
YES. HA. THAT'S WHAT SEPERATES ME FROM SO MANY OTHERS.
I REALIZE THAT THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO WOULD LOVE TO BE AS FORTUNATE AS I AM.
That's why I don't tell anyone how I feel. Or what's bothering me.
Because I know it's not that bad.
Because I know people have it worse.
But then things just get worse for me. And no matter how little they may be, I wish all of my problems would disappear. Poof. I wish life would be easy for once, even if it's harder for others. I wish I could not care about anything for a day. Just a day. Then things would return to normal. That my life would return to be the life I hate.
The life I love
The life I have.