Fast Five is Furiously Funny and Fabulous
Well, I went to see Fast Five with be_merry and her little sister and it was--how do I put this?
Any movie where I have to legitimately turn to the person next to me and ask in all seriousness, "Did that man just spit glass?" is a winner.
Also, I think they may have broke their previous record in "time it takes to break major laws of physics for a cool action scene", and I'm including Michael Bay movies in that assessment.
After the movie left, I jokingly said to Christy that it had too much plot, not enough wanton destruction, but actually my only real complaint was (a) the alarming lack of homoeroticism and (b) car porn*.
*Note: These things might not have to be split up.
Seriously, though, there was a GT40 in it and they barely glanced at it. I'm all for cars going ridiculously fast and doing things that aren't so much implausible as impossible even in magical My Little Pony land, but the first one was all about loving shots of scantily clad women parading around, Vin Diesel and Paul Walker trying hard to act like they were heterosexual and failing, Michelle Rodriguez being the badass chick she is, and some seriously questionably shots of cars and their engines. The first one it looked like the camera was about to jump the cars. If porn movie music had started playing in the background while the camera, stroking its 70's Tom Selleck 'stache, caressed the contours of that Charger, no one would have batted an eye. If that car hadn't been made in the '70s, the camera could be charged with statutory rape.
You get what I'm saying here.
Instead, we got some quick flashes of a car, not even enough to identify its make, and had to rely on Random Cockroach Dude saying, "I get the GT40!"
Half the fun of these movies is how uncomfortably squirmish you feel watching them, like you just walked into a scene where the camera and car are straightening their clothing and pretending they buttoned up their chassis right.
(Okay, seriously, enough jokes about it.)
So that was disappointing. Also, and this is going under a cut though God knows why, because you probably could have guessed this ~plot twist~ without having seen any of the movies and the movie itself seemed to get bored with it within the first five minutes, it is still technically a spoiler (pun not intended).
Mia's preggers! Because clearly the writer said, "Hey, people like our movies, which are macho-fueled action scenes that deny the laws of physics, eyefucking shots of cool cars, races, and terrible, innuendo-laden dialogue between two males who have nothing going for them except that one is pretty, and the other could probably bench-press a Buick.
So what does this fifth movie need?
A romantic entanglement! And a pregnancy plot!"
This is not Lifetime, people. You have a formula (one!), stick with it. Also annoying is that Mia was finally getting to do cool car stuff, then bam! She's holding a baby and suffering from morning sickness and, swear to Rosie the Riveter, people, the next scene shows her shopping for food at the market. 'Cause that's what womyns do, right? They cook?
Oy. Never mind that she can clearly drive and was supposedly brilliant (admittedly, this was according to our male leads, one of whom Christy dubbed "The King of Dumbass Stunts", which I'm not going to argue with--I don't watch Paul Walker because he's clever, people.) Ugh. You had an awesome female lead in the first one, who was actually tough without being outrageously so, she's a good match for Dom, and I even finally forgave her for that line about, "It smells like... skanks."
That forgiveness doesn't come lightly, folks.
Where's Michelle Rodriguez when you need her?
Anyway, other than that, it was perfect. Everything I wanted and more. Everyone, and I do mean everyone comes back for it, except Paul Walker's beautiful hair, The Rock is in it, and the Spellmaster from Sabrina: The Teenage Witch.
Also props for finding a Spanish Sandra Bullock. Well played, movie, well played.
Oh, there was one annoying character who showed up and claimed to be fucking Mossad. Uh-huh. I'm pretty sure Mossad's qualifications are a tad stricter than, "Must look foxy in a bikini", but maybe they've lightened up on that recently, who knows? (Though seriously, cool deal on getting an actual Israeli actress).
So there you have it, Fast Five in all its glory. Do I recommend it?
If you have to ask, you clearly did not hear what I said: The man spits glass. 'Nuff said.
Any movie where I have to legitimately turn to the person next to me and ask in all seriousness, "Did that man just spit glass?" is a winner.
Also, I think they may have broke their previous record in "time it takes to break major laws of physics for a cool action scene", and I'm including Michael Bay movies in that assessment.
After the movie left, I jokingly said to Christy that it had too much plot, not enough wanton destruction, but actually my only real complaint was (a) the alarming lack of homoeroticism and (b) car porn*.
*Note: These things might not have to be split up.
Seriously, though, there was a GT40 in it and they barely glanced at it. I'm all for cars going ridiculously fast and doing things that aren't so much implausible as impossible even in magical My Little Pony land, but the first one was all about loving shots of scantily clad women parading around, Vin Diesel and Paul Walker trying hard to act like they were heterosexual and failing, Michelle Rodriguez being the badass chick she is, and some seriously questionably shots of cars and their engines. The first one it looked like the camera was about to jump the cars. If porn movie music had started playing in the background while the camera, stroking its 70's Tom Selleck 'stache, caressed the contours of that Charger, no one would have batted an eye. If that car hadn't been made in the '70s, the camera could be charged with statutory rape.
You get what I'm saying here.
Instead, we got some quick flashes of a car, not even enough to identify its make, and had to rely on Random Cockroach Dude saying, "I get the GT40!"
Half the fun of these movies is how uncomfortably squirmish you feel watching them, like you just walked into a scene where the camera and car are straightening their clothing and pretending they buttoned up their chassis right.
(Okay, seriously, enough jokes about it.)
So that was disappointing. Also, and this is going under a cut though God knows why, because you probably could have guessed this ~plot twist~ without having seen any of the movies and the movie itself seemed to get bored with it within the first five minutes, it is still technically a spoiler (pun not intended).
Mia's preggers! Because clearly the writer said, "Hey, people like our movies, which are macho-fueled action scenes that deny the laws of physics, eyefucking shots of cool cars, races, and terrible, innuendo-laden dialogue between two males who have nothing going for them except that one is pretty, and the other could probably bench-press a Buick.
So what does this fifth movie need?
A romantic entanglement! And a pregnancy plot!"
This is not Lifetime, people. You have a formula (one!), stick with it. Also annoying is that Mia was finally getting to do cool car stuff, then bam! She's holding a baby and suffering from morning sickness and, swear to Rosie the Riveter, people, the next scene shows her shopping for food at the market. 'Cause that's what womyns do, right? They cook?
Oy. Never mind that she can clearly drive and was supposedly brilliant (admittedly, this was according to our male leads, one of whom Christy dubbed "The King of Dumbass Stunts", which I'm not going to argue with--I don't watch Paul Walker because he's clever, people.) Ugh. You had an awesome female lead in the first one, who was actually tough without being outrageously so, she's a good match for Dom, and I even finally forgave her for that line about, "It smells like... skanks."
That forgiveness doesn't come lightly, folks.
Where's Michelle Rodriguez when you need her?
Anyway, other than that, it was perfect. Everything I wanted and more. Everyone, and I do mean everyone comes back for it, except Paul Walker's beautiful hair, The Rock is in it, and the Spellmaster from Sabrina: The Teenage Witch.
Also props for finding a Spanish Sandra Bullock. Well played, movie, well played.
Oh, there was one annoying character who showed up and claimed to be fucking Mossad. Uh-huh. I'm pretty sure Mossad's qualifications are a tad stricter than, "Must look foxy in a bikini", but maybe they've lightened up on that recently, who knows? (Though seriously, cool deal on getting an actual Israeli actress).
So there you have it, Fast Five in all its glory. Do I recommend it?
If you have to ask, you clearly did not hear what I said: The man spits glass. 'Nuff said.