random reminisce
I was thinking about something that happened to me in summer sleep away camp when I was about 10 or 11. I was at a camp that mostly had kids of upper middle class backgrounds in the northeast. It had a strong family tradition and had many sets of siblings and other relations, (in fact, 3 of my cousins went there, as well as my sister, over the years). It drew from an area I'd lived in from 0-6yrs old and one of my bunk mates had been my best friend when I lived there, we'd been neighbors. I hadn't seen her much in the past 4 years. Anyway, as usual, I was different from my bunkmates- more sensible and worldly in some ways, but more bookish and dreamy in others. For example, I made new friends in other bunks, brought books to read, and knew how to make my bed. However, I also expected that friends would generally act friendly, in a sort of reciprocal manner.
This was where I was very naive.
So, a surprisingly large part of camp involved dressing up for evening activities. Clothes were borrowed. Between my friend and I, this mostly went one way. I loaned her stuff. Once I asked why, if she borrowed all this stuff from me, did I not get to borrow anything from her. The next day, she had her sister, who was also a camper, and between 3 and 5 years older, come up and ask me if I thought that it was ok to 'give to get', that that was selfish and not how friends behave. As usual, I didn't really have a response, this being a rather unexpected response to my rather non-aggressive question.
In fact, I felt a bit guilty. For a while. After a little bit, I thought about it a bit more and realized, yes, I give with the expectation of receiving in return. Not that the loan of one sweater = the loan of one sweater in return, but if you treat people well, you hope you will be treated well. If you are a good friend to someone, you help them in their need, and you expect them to help you in your need. (On a bit of a tangent, another thing I realized years later, it's also important to show your friends that you need them too).
Anyway, I don't think people do things for others with no expectations- and I don't think that's bad. In fact, if you don't get any sort of satisfaction in a relationship, you'd rightly be called a doormat, suckup, or someone with no self esteem.
I don't think it's right to stay in relationships with people, organizations, clubs, employers, whatever, where you pour your heart, time, and energy out for nothing at all. It's not selfish to see to your own needs as well as the needs of those around you.
And it's a real manipulative move to send an older sister to bully your friends. Even for 11 year olds.
This was where I was very naive.
So, a surprisingly large part of camp involved dressing up for evening activities. Clothes were borrowed. Between my friend and I, this mostly went one way. I loaned her stuff. Once I asked why, if she borrowed all this stuff from me, did I not get to borrow anything from her. The next day, she had her sister, who was also a camper, and between 3 and 5 years older, come up and ask me if I thought that it was ok to 'give to get', that that was selfish and not how friends behave. As usual, I didn't really have a response, this being a rather unexpected response to my rather non-aggressive question.
In fact, I felt a bit guilty. For a while. After a little bit, I thought about it a bit more and realized, yes, I give with the expectation of receiving in return. Not that the loan of one sweater = the loan of one sweater in return, but if you treat people well, you hope you will be treated well. If you are a good friend to someone, you help them in their need, and you expect them to help you in your need. (On a bit of a tangent, another thing I realized years later, it's also important to show your friends that you need them too).
Anyway, I don't think people do things for others with no expectations- and I don't think that's bad. In fact, if you don't get any sort of satisfaction in a relationship, you'd rightly be called a doormat, suckup, or someone with no self esteem.
I don't think it's right to stay in relationships with people, organizations, clubs, employers, whatever, where you pour your heart, time, and energy out for nothing at all. It's not selfish to see to your own needs as well as the needs of those around you.
And it's a real manipulative move to send an older sister to bully your friends. Even for 11 year olds.