The Questions, Part I
What are your earliest memories regarding gender differences? Do you remember figuring out what the differences between boys and girls was supposed to be? How did you feel about that discovery?
Kit: Answered at http://christophertmoss.blogspot.com/2012/08/my-heros-journey-call.html
What were you told about the differences between boys and girls? What were you told about how you were supposed to be because you were a boy or girl? (Boys don't cry, girls don't say things like that...) How did you react?
Kit: That was an odd part of my upbringing. I seem to recall that my intellectual pursuits were at least tacitly allowed if not actually rmbraced by my father. But as soon as my sister Laurel was born that changed. I suddenly became the replacement mother, especially as I hit puberty and then when my mother left. I had had the vague sense before that that my ambitions and dreams were acceptable. Suddenly my plans were unimportant. I had to be there, had to make plans that would keep my sister financially sercure. Plus my personal life was now all about being home to take care of Laurel. It's amazing I did not resent her. I resented my father changing what I thought were "the rules", that Nan was smart and creative and could do anything. Nan had to become a teacher as that was the one profession a woman could have in a jiffy. What did I want to be? An author or a college professor. Those were pipe dreams and irresponsible.
What is your earliest memory of questioning your assigned gender? What were your thoughts about it? Did you try to tell anyone? If so, how did they react?
Kit: I'm not sure it was all that concrete. I guess I must have always defined myself as me.. different but not necessarily required to be one gender or another. At least until I was an adolescent. Before that I knew I didn't want to be a girl, but I lived so much in my mind and imaginatioon that the only thing that could rock my sense of myself was finiding out that girls shouldn't live in their heads. I don't recall the actual choice of or identity as one gender or another being boiced. We weren't that typical a family anyway. My father thought of himself as an intellectual. My mother was politcal, as in regular party pol tics.
What were your favorite TV shows and movies as a child? Favorite fairy tale? Book or book series? Who did you identify with most? Who were your heroes? What were your favorite toys and activities as a child? Who did you play with most, boys or girls? What/who did you secretly long to play with? Who/what did you really want to dress up as for Halloween?
Kit: Now we are getting into questions I can answer! I watched Mighty Mouse, Popeye and the joy bringer of my life, the Richard Greene series THE ADVENTURES OF ROBIN HOOD. That show was the thing that defined the rest of my life in so many ways. I suppose you could say the show was my favorite fairy tale too. I loved the movie THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF THE BROTHERS GRIMM, Russ Tamblyn's role in the Dancing Princesses my favorite of those. I got into King Arthur and Norse myth early too. Very masculine stories. I identified with Robin Hood. When I roped friends into playing Robin Hood with me, something I wish I could still do, I was Robin. Of King Arthur's knights I identified with Trstram, the beginning perhaps of my notion of myself as a romantic hero. I began to like the hero's best friend later on, a foreshadowing of myself as a gay transman. I mention the toys at http://christophertmoss.blogspot.com/2012/08/my-heros-journey-call.html. I think my favorite "toys" were pencil and paper. I wrote my first story at seven. I played with one girl at a time, usually the most outcast, th3e most likely to be fine with or even enthusiastic about playing with someone as odd as I was. Halloween? Well Robin Hood of course.. and I was the Goddess Freya one year with chain mail I made myself of pipe cleaners.
Were you teased or bullied for not fitting the stereotype for your assigned gender? What names were you called? How did that feel?
Kit: I was a famous poet in the class predictions in 7th grade... and though I was bullied,m it was by girls and for being a weakling personally and physically. I was never bullied for being a tomboy because I never was one. One tomboy did challenge me on whether I was one, and I responded that I was "a Thomas gentleman". I suppose because I wasn't interested in teen girl stuff I was firmly assignment to the Out group, but that would have happened anyway.
Who/what did you want to be when you grew up? What did you tell people when they asked? How was that received?
Kit: I wanted to be an author or a college professor,. My teachers seemed by and large to like that. Kids just had no idea what I was going on about. My mother was disinterested. My father wanted me to get a teaching job so I could raise my sister. I never recall my father ever talking about my gettign married or having children. No idea why.
Was there anything you envied about the "opposite sex" growing up?
Kit: Sure! My father wanted me to be a boy. And it didn't take too long to recognize the wealth of opportunities and respect boys had compared to my own.
What was puberty like for you? How did you feel about your body changing? What did you have the most trouble with?
Kit: My menarche was terrible and I was embarrassed about my breast development.
How do you feel about the sexual parts of your anatomy (penis, testicles, vagina, breasts)? Have you ever wanted to get rid of them? Wished they were different?
Kit: My breasts have always embarrassed me. Ronnie Hagerup asked me in 4th grade, "Is that cardboard in there, or are you getting tits?" Instead of being proud of my breasts I tried to hide them. My uterus almost killed me when I was hemorrhaging from dysmenorrhea. It never occurred to me to wish I had a penis or I am sure I would have.
What were your earliest sexual and/or romantic fantasies? Who did you want to be with, and who did you want to be, in those fantasies? Did you have any secret crushes?
Kit: Other than dearly wishing my friend Laura and I could live together as adults and adopt kids together, my crushes were on boys. But I did not see myself in a pretty dress or taking care of a man. I saw myself as on my own, and I saw myself as the noble knight or daring fellow, the best friend of the hero.
I should mention The Story here. Laura and I started what turned out to be about four years of storytelling around a kign and queen in a mythic kingdom. I was the king.. and thereafter only other male characters. My father got wind of this and was not happy. He thought I was a lesbian. He didn't approve and it didn't fit his plan for laurel's future. He asked me why I did not identify with female characters. The best I could do was feebly say there were female characters I identified with. It was a lie. This I think was the first time that gender disphorea occurred to me.
Who did you date in high school (if anyone), and why? Were you happy with that? Were you sexually active? If so, did that feel right?
Kit: That's easy. I didn't date anyone.
How have you tried to cope with being gender-variant? What have you done to try to resolve, suppress, avoid, or deny any conflicts you felt about your gender? How have these worked for you?
Kit: I thought the choices were heterosecual or gay woman, so nknowign I was the former, I must be the latter. So I identified as a lesbian. When that was far from satisfuing I just became a rabid feminist. More recently I denied there was any ingerent difference between males and females, then identified as genderqueer.
What have you tried to do to fit in with your assigned gender role? Have you done anything to try to "prove you're a woman, or man?" Did you do anything you thought would make a woman or man out of you? How have those experiences worked out?
Kit: Nothing dramatic nor longlasting. Trien d to be a jomemaker, but wnot with much passion.
What have you done to allow yourself to express your preferred gender identity? Have you been "cross dressing" in private? Have you gone out "dressed"? Engaged in other activities (such as theater, sports, etc. that allowed you to express your feminine or masculine self?
Kit: I think the lesbian phase, when I played at beign a baby butch, is part of that. I also admired strong warlike women and always was a wwoman warrior in my own inner stories. Cross dressing is easy for a female.. since men's clothes are worn by both sexes.
How do you feel when you are dressed in clothes you like? Do you like how they make you look? Do you just like the feel of the fabric? Is it sexually arousing? Do you dress primarily for comfort and relaxation?
Kit: Free and easy. I think they made me look independent, strong, challenging. And I dress for comfort.
What were you told about being gay or lesbian growing up? What were the attitudes of the people around, you, and how were those conveyed? Were you called queer or gay? How did you feel about that?
Kit: Being gay was somethign sad and pathetic. My father had insulting gay jokes. My mother made sure I knew that men weren't the only predators. My friend Carol Ann wouldn't let me hold her hand because people would think we were "queer". Being a lesbian, and I had a pretty good idea that was a possibility by the time I was 15, was bad and sick and would ruin my father's plans for my sister...0
Did you know anything about transgendered people growing up? What images did you come across? Transvestite stereotypes? Jerry Springer?
Kit: There was nothing like that on TV, and I don't remember any movies. The after school dramas came out after I was a teen. The only transgender people I would have learned about were women who passed as men in history in order to achieve something disallowed to women or to be safe from male predation.
Do you know anyone who is transgendered? What stories have you heard or read? What are your sources of information about transgendered life?
Kit: Yes, several now. I am reading everything I can find on this.
What are your own thoughts, feelings, prejudices about gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered people? Do you find yourself not wanting to associated with, or be associated with, others in the community? Who are you uncomfortable with? Can you identify where your prejudices come from?
Kit: I have a derinite bias in favor of GLBTQ. I identify most strongly with gay men and transmen.
Continues.
Kit: Answered at http://christophertmoss.blogspot.com/2012/08/my-heros-journey-call.html
What were you told about the differences between boys and girls? What were you told about how you were supposed to be because you were a boy or girl? (Boys don't cry, girls don't say things like that...) How did you react?
Kit: That was an odd part of my upbringing. I seem to recall that my intellectual pursuits were at least tacitly allowed if not actually rmbraced by my father. But as soon as my sister Laurel was born that changed. I suddenly became the replacement mother, especially as I hit puberty and then when my mother left. I had had the vague sense before that that my ambitions and dreams were acceptable. Suddenly my plans were unimportant. I had to be there, had to make plans that would keep my sister financially sercure. Plus my personal life was now all about being home to take care of Laurel. It's amazing I did not resent her. I resented my father changing what I thought were "the rules", that Nan was smart and creative and could do anything. Nan had to become a teacher as that was the one profession a woman could have in a jiffy. What did I want to be? An author or a college professor. Those were pipe dreams and irresponsible.
What is your earliest memory of questioning your assigned gender? What were your thoughts about it? Did you try to tell anyone? If so, how did they react?
Kit: I'm not sure it was all that concrete. I guess I must have always defined myself as me.. different but not necessarily required to be one gender or another. At least until I was an adolescent. Before that I knew I didn't want to be a girl, but I lived so much in my mind and imaginatioon that the only thing that could rock my sense of myself was finiding out that girls shouldn't live in their heads. I don't recall the actual choice of or identity as one gender or another being boiced. We weren't that typical a family anyway. My father thought of himself as an intellectual. My mother was politcal, as in regular party pol tics.
What were your favorite TV shows and movies as a child? Favorite fairy tale? Book or book series? Who did you identify with most? Who were your heroes? What were your favorite toys and activities as a child? Who did you play with most, boys or girls? What/who did you secretly long to play with? Who/what did you really want to dress up as for Halloween?
Kit: Now we are getting into questions I can answer! I watched Mighty Mouse, Popeye and the joy bringer of my life, the Richard Greene series THE ADVENTURES OF ROBIN HOOD. That show was the thing that defined the rest of my life in so many ways. I suppose you could say the show was my favorite fairy tale too. I loved the movie THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF THE BROTHERS GRIMM, Russ Tamblyn's role in the Dancing Princesses my favorite of those. I got into King Arthur and Norse myth early too. Very masculine stories. I identified with Robin Hood. When I roped friends into playing Robin Hood with me, something I wish I could still do, I was Robin. Of King Arthur's knights I identified with Trstram, the beginning perhaps of my notion of myself as a romantic hero. I began to like the hero's best friend later on, a foreshadowing of myself as a gay transman. I mention the toys at http://christophertmoss.blogspot.com/2012/08/my-heros-journey-call.html. I think my favorite "toys" were pencil and paper. I wrote my first story at seven. I played with one girl at a time, usually the most outcast, th3e most likely to be fine with or even enthusiastic about playing with someone as odd as I was. Halloween? Well Robin Hood of course.. and I was the Goddess Freya one year with chain mail I made myself of pipe cleaners.
Were you teased or bullied for not fitting the stereotype for your assigned gender? What names were you called? How did that feel?
Kit: I was a famous poet in the class predictions in 7th grade... and though I was bullied,m it was by girls and for being a weakling personally and physically. I was never bullied for being a tomboy because I never was one. One tomboy did challenge me on whether I was one, and I responded that I was "a Thomas gentleman". I suppose because I wasn't interested in teen girl stuff I was firmly assignment to the Out group, but that would have happened anyway.
Who/what did you want to be when you grew up? What did you tell people when they asked? How was that received?
Kit: I wanted to be an author or a college professor,. My teachers seemed by and large to like that. Kids just had no idea what I was going on about. My mother was disinterested. My father wanted me to get a teaching job so I could raise my sister. I never recall my father ever talking about my gettign married or having children. No idea why.
Was there anything you envied about the "opposite sex" growing up?
Kit: Sure! My father wanted me to be a boy. And it didn't take too long to recognize the wealth of opportunities and respect boys had compared to my own.
What was puberty like for you? How did you feel about your body changing? What did you have the most trouble with?
Kit: My menarche was terrible and I was embarrassed about my breast development.
How do you feel about the sexual parts of your anatomy (penis, testicles, vagina, breasts)? Have you ever wanted to get rid of them? Wished they were different?
Kit: My breasts have always embarrassed me. Ronnie Hagerup asked me in 4th grade, "Is that cardboard in there, or are you getting tits?" Instead of being proud of my breasts I tried to hide them. My uterus almost killed me when I was hemorrhaging from dysmenorrhea. It never occurred to me to wish I had a penis or I am sure I would have.
What were your earliest sexual and/or romantic fantasies? Who did you want to be with, and who did you want to be, in those fantasies? Did you have any secret crushes?
Kit: Other than dearly wishing my friend Laura and I could live together as adults and adopt kids together, my crushes were on boys. But I did not see myself in a pretty dress or taking care of a man. I saw myself as on my own, and I saw myself as the noble knight or daring fellow, the best friend of the hero.
I should mention The Story here. Laura and I started what turned out to be about four years of storytelling around a kign and queen in a mythic kingdom. I was the king.. and thereafter only other male characters. My father got wind of this and was not happy. He thought I was a lesbian. He didn't approve and it didn't fit his plan for laurel's future. He asked me why I did not identify with female characters. The best I could do was feebly say there were female characters I identified with. It was a lie. This I think was the first time that gender disphorea occurred to me.
Who did you date in high school (if anyone), and why? Were you happy with that? Were you sexually active? If so, did that feel right?
Kit: That's easy. I didn't date anyone.
How have you tried to cope with being gender-variant? What have you done to try to resolve, suppress, avoid, or deny any conflicts you felt about your gender? How have these worked for you?
Kit: I thought the choices were heterosecual or gay woman, so nknowign I was the former, I must be the latter. So I identified as a lesbian. When that was far from satisfuing I just became a rabid feminist. More recently I denied there was any ingerent difference between males and females, then identified as genderqueer.
What have you tried to do to fit in with your assigned gender role? Have you done anything to try to "prove you're a woman, or man?" Did you do anything you thought would make a woman or man out of you? How have those experiences worked out?
Kit: Nothing dramatic nor longlasting. Trien d to be a jomemaker, but wnot with much passion.
What have you done to allow yourself to express your preferred gender identity? Have you been "cross dressing" in private? Have you gone out "dressed"? Engaged in other activities (such as theater, sports, etc. that allowed you to express your feminine or masculine self?
Kit: I think the lesbian phase, when I played at beign a baby butch, is part of that. I also admired strong warlike women and always was a wwoman warrior in my own inner stories. Cross dressing is easy for a female.. since men's clothes are worn by both sexes.
How do you feel when you are dressed in clothes you like? Do you like how they make you look? Do you just like the feel of the fabric? Is it sexually arousing? Do you dress primarily for comfort and relaxation?
Kit: Free and easy. I think they made me look independent, strong, challenging. And I dress for comfort.
What were you told about being gay or lesbian growing up? What were the attitudes of the people around, you, and how were those conveyed? Were you called queer or gay? How did you feel about that?
Kit: Being gay was somethign sad and pathetic. My father had insulting gay jokes. My mother made sure I knew that men weren't the only predators. My friend Carol Ann wouldn't let me hold her hand because people would think we were "queer". Being a lesbian, and I had a pretty good idea that was a possibility by the time I was 15, was bad and sick and would ruin my father's plans for my sister...0
Did you know anything about transgendered people growing up? What images did you come across? Transvestite stereotypes? Jerry Springer?
Kit: There was nothing like that on TV, and I don't remember any movies. The after school dramas came out after I was a teen. The only transgender people I would have learned about were women who passed as men in history in order to achieve something disallowed to women or to be safe from male predation.
Do you know anyone who is transgendered? What stories have you heard or read? What are your sources of information about transgendered life?
Kit: Yes, several now. I am reading everything I can find on this.
What are your own thoughts, feelings, prejudices about gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered people? Do you find yourself not wanting to associated with, or be associated with, others in the community? Who are you uncomfortable with? Can you identify where your prejudices come from?
Kit: I have a derinite bias in favor of GLBTQ. I identify most strongly with gay men and transmen.
Continues.