(no subject)
Things are a little tough money wise right now. I really hate having problems with money, but I guess thats just the way life is. I am looking for a second job and I will probably have to postpone going back to school longer than I wanted to. That way we can get caught up on bills and things and then get settled in. Its really stressful. On top of the stress of money, my usual stresses are coming back. The stress that something is going to happen to me. The stress of something coming and I don't know what. Its a weird feeling and I don't know how to handle it. I use to meditate in a special place that I had in PA, but I haven't found a place like that here. Its really hard to considering how big the city is. I am trying to handle it, but my dreams are getting more eratic and life is going faster than I remember it going. This is my attempt at putting down the feelings in writing to see if maybe this will help. Its like a feeling in my gut that is tying a knot deep in my core. Like something wants to explode out of me. Its like a combination of worry that my relationship is not meant, but yet we continue on in this life, not knowing. I understand that relationships all work this way. You never know what will happen in the end, but I still hate that feeling. I want it to work, and I strive for it to work, but like my past relationships, I am worried that regardless of what I do, I am going to do or say something to end it. Why do I have these feelings? Why can't I just go on with life and live happily like everyone else does? I really don't understand these feelings. Its not that I don't love him, I do. But its almost driving me over the edge, thinking that maybe someday he will stop loving me. Or even find someone else better than me. I hate these insecurities. I don't want them anymore. And I don't want to go back on my depression medicine. Hell, I can't afford to go back on my meds. I can't even afford to go see a doctor let alone get a perscription that costs like $100 every time I get it filled. So I have been fighting it, fighting the feelings, fighting the need to just lay in bed and do nothing all day, every day. Not eat, not drink, just lay there. Just watch the world go by and not risk loosing anything. I think that maybe I have been fighting it too long. Even though I share how I feel sometimes, I can't make myself share everything. I close the deepest part of me off from everyone. Even if I try to explain it, I can't do it. It ends up sounding like a ramble or something that no one will ever understand. Maybe it has something to do with me being kin of some sort. Maybe there is something out there that I just don't know about myself. Maybe I am just really depressed and suppressing the depression is making me go deeper into it. Who knows. Maybe just one of these days I will snap and just stop doing anything. I hate that people think I am a hypocondriate(SP). I hate the migranes, I hate the glasses and contacts, I hate the stomach pains, the illnesses that I never want, but for some reason people think I say I have them just to get attention. If I wanted attention, I would do it some other way. Not by pretending I was sick. I would run away, I would do something to make peoples attention come to me. Not by being sick though. Even if I wanted to try to kill myself, that wouldn't be trying to get attention. Not from me. That would be my way of saying that the feelings deep inside no longer can be suppressed. That this world has had its toll on me and I could no longer take it anymore. The pains that I feel, I understand others go through them. I understand I am not alone. But I do feel alone a lot of the times. I feel that I am in a hole that no one else in the world, regardless if they have felt the same way, could get me out of. I am the one and only person that can get myself out of my own deep pit. Unfortunately, when the day comes, I don't think I will know how to. All I know now is how to fight the depression. How to push these weird feelings I have down and keep them out of the way for now. Once the day comes, though, that I no longer can suppress them, only those close to me will realise that its too late, that I am already in the deepest pit that I could ever be in, and there will be no escape.