The Weekend
Well - it's the weekend again. Although unlike my past weekends I am for some reason feeling the air space close in around me.
Monday morning I start a new job with the Sherriffs office - I don't really want it but it's something my Finacee and Mother-in-Law to be are making me do - now I say 'forcing' because I had an emotionally rocky childhood where I was measured against the stick of perfection. I think it's some deep character flaw that makes me not able to stand up for myself and be desperately afraid of dissapointing the people around me.
I'm also scared - I don't think I can handle this job (911 Dispatcher) - and do full time school. I'm a veterinary Science major, I'm taking chemistry, math and biology, the only 'easy' class is my Western Civilzation one. So I've been waking up lately having cold sweats because I know i can't hack both stressful school and a stressful job. I thinkI just scared and stressing myself out.
I start school on the 23rd - I feel like whatever semi-freedom I had is over.
On the subject of my SO, he's hit me once and since it was about 6 months ago he keep screaming at me to get over it. How the hell do I get over something that left a freaking bruise on my face for over a month? Not to mention the fact that my Mother was abusive in this way as well. I am permanently conditioned to just keep my fucking mouth shut when the shit hits the fan - it very much keeps me from getting hit.
He has a wildly out of control temper and it scares me - last night we got into a huge fight because I accidentally broke on of his toys. By moving it off the freaking couch because I *gasp* wanted to lay down on it without having something sharp and pointy sticking into my feet. I laid the damn thing on the floor. >.< Well when he got home he asked if I had thrown them off the couch - I being a smart ass - replied yes of course I did. I was bloody well kidding, I know better than to throw things, crap like that got me beat as a child.
So after I get mad - because he's pretty much screaming at me and accusing me of doing this on purpose - well dog dammint if yu'd pick UP after yourself instead of leaving it lying aorund for weeks and weeks like a freaking 3 year old maybe it wouldn't have accidentally gotten broken in the first place. I wlaked out of the room and finished watching Stargate:Atlantis on my TV in the bedroom. After that he went to bed and I slept on the couch.
I hate the relationship but I'm afraid to leave. I just don't know what to do anymore - because I'm quite abviously not happy. ;_;
Ehh - I am just one confused, stressed out, bundle of nerves. I know I need to get away but at the moment my parents live 120 miles away from my job and school and as much as I'd love to just pack up and leave I have responsiblities that have to come first. I've even sold of 99% of my Pony collection to pay our bills - but he won't sell any of his collection (tranformers).
I'm not accepting anymore requests or commissions - at the moment I'm working my ass off to get them all caught up before school starts.
The thing that really sucks? I don't have a car. early in the relationship my car broke and instead of fixing it he convinced me to sell it - stupidly I did.
Monday morning I start a new job with the Sherriffs office - I don't really want it but it's something my Finacee and Mother-in-Law to be are making me do - now I say 'forcing' because I had an emotionally rocky childhood where I was measured against the stick of perfection. I think it's some deep character flaw that makes me not able to stand up for myself and be desperately afraid of dissapointing the people around me.
I'm also scared - I don't think I can handle this job (911 Dispatcher) - and do full time school. I'm a veterinary Science major, I'm taking chemistry, math and biology, the only 'easy' class is my Western Civilzation one. So I've been waking up lately having cold sweats because I know i can't hack both stressful school and a stressful job. I thinkI just scared and stressing myself out.
I start school on the 23rd - I feel like whatever semi-freedom I had is over.
On the subject of my SO, he's hit me once and since it was about 6 months ago he keep screaming at me to get over it. How the hell do I get over something that left a freaking bruise on my face for over a month? Not to mention the fact that my Mother was abusive in this way as well. I am permanently conditioned to just keep my fucking mouth shut when the shit hits the fan - it very much keeps me from getting hit.
He has a wildly out of control temper and it scares me - last night we got into a huge fight because I accidentally broke on of his toys. By moving it off the freaking couch because I *gasp* wanted to lay down on it without having something sharp and pointy sticking into my feet. I laid the damn thing on the floor. >.< Well when he got home he asked if I had thrown them off the couch - I being a smart ass - replied yes of course I did. I was bloody well kidding, I know better than to throw things, crap like that got me beat as a child.
So after I get mad - because he's pretty much screaming at me and accusing me of doing this on purpose - well dog dammint if yu'd pick UP after yourself instead of leaving it lying aorund for weeks and weeks like a freaking 3 year old maybe it wouldn't have accidentally gotten broken in the first place. I wlaked out of the room and finished watching Stargate:Atlantis on my TV in the bedroom. After that he went to bed and I slept on the couch.
I hate the relationship but I'm afraid to leave. I just don't know what to do anymore - because I'm quite abviously not happy. ;_;
Ehh - I am just one confused, stressed out, bundle of nerves. I know I need to get away but at the moment my parents live 120 miles away from my job and school and as much as I'd love to just pack up and leave I have responsiblities that have to come first. I've even sold of 99% of my Pony collection to pay our bills - but he won't sell any of his collection (tranformers).
I'm not accepting anymore requests or commissions - at the moment I'm working my ass off to get them all caught up before school starts.
The thing that really sucks? I don't have a car. early in the relationship my car broke and instead of fixing it he convinced me to sell it - stupidly I did.