Family's A Bitch: Chapters 1&2
Title: Family’s A Bitch
Genre: Kingdom Hearts/Final Fantasy, AU
Rating: PG14
Pairings: Zexion/Demyx, Axel/Roxas, mentions of Riku/Sora/Kairi, etc.
Summary: Zexion comes home from college to his rather insane family, but with Sephiroth as a father, and Aerith as a mother, who can blame them?
Chapter 1: “Can’t Live With ‘Em, Can’t Live Without ‘Em”
The slate-haired teen sighed, “Waiting here will not help…” He muttered to himself, knocking on the door.
First there was a CRASH then a BANG as if from a car backfiring… and to top it off, Zexion would have swore that that last THUD was a body hitting the front door.
Meekly, as if to counteract all the noise before, the modest wooden door crept open, a single green eye appearing just below the handle-two more eyes closely following.
Then the door was thrown wide with a cry, “ZEXY!”
The toddling triplets threw themselves at the poor teen, chanting among themselves, “Zexy’s back! Zexy’s back! Zexy’s back!”
Zexion glanced back at his car waiting in the driveway-at his last chance to escape-then at his toddler brothers who clung to him with their oddly illuminated eyes held wide to greet him. He settled himself in for a long summer.
“Yes, yes. I’m home.” He muttered pulling himself and his three cling-ons inside.
--
“Shortstuff! You’re back early!” His silver-haired other sister captured him in a head lock.
Zexion gasped for air, but still managed to respond, “Paine-you’re crushing-me.”
“Oops. Sorry, little brother.” She smiled, ruffling his hair-something he hated but she always did anyway-and let him go.
Before the slate-haired teen could recover, a wave of brown hair hit him.
“My darling dearest is hoooome!” Aerith spun him around.
The triplets echoed her in their usual creepy way, “Brother is hoooome!”
“Mom. Could you please stop. I love you too. Thaaat’s wonderful.” Zexion wobbled as she set him down, the short teen nearly toppling over.
A voice of reason called down the stairs, “Mother, could you please not kill him? He’s only been home for a moment.”
Aerith smiled and patted down her pink dress in an absent way. “My love won’t kill him, Riku dear.” Suddenly she paused, “Oh! My roast!” She cried and waddled back into the kitchen, the triplets following her like silver ducklings. Paine rolled her eyes and followed as well.
Zexion watched her go with an affectionate sigh of exasperation. “Mother’s pregnant… again.”
“Of course.” Said another voice from yet another silver-haired family member.
“Hello Fuu,” Zexion rolled his eyes (or at least his one visible eye) at her. “Glad to hear you’re making use of all my books. That vocabulary must be going to your head.”
“Welcome back.” She muttered sarcastically before disappearing back up the stairs.
As she past Riku, he rolled his eyes as well. “She’s using two words instead of just one now, at least.” He snorted, well aware she was still within hearing.
Fuu gave him a rather inappropriate gesture and slammed the door to her room.
“Still as crazy as ever.” Zexion let his eyes roam over the spotless entry way, strange that it was still clean as ever with all the kids-well, being kids-all over it. Aerith would not have her children live in a filthy house.
Riku leaned against the railing, his green eyes following Zexion with all the accuracy, but also the disinterest, of a cat. “Nothing’s changed much since you left for college.”
Zexion ignored his younger brother, “I’m not talking to anyone, I just happen to be mentioning my thoughts aloud.”
Riku cringed. “Still mad?”
“Still mad.” The slate-haired teen scowled deeply.
The younger brother hopped on the railing and slid down to where Zexion was meandering. “But I said I was sorry.”
Grey eyes locked onto green eyes, and Riku could see nothing but smoke filling them. “You may as well have killed me, you know. You’re just going to say ‘sorry’ and expect things to be all happy, happy, joy, joy?”
“But it was an accident!” Riku whimpered, as his older sibling moved in. Zexion may be shorter than Riku, but hell if the boy wanted to deal with the usually unfortunate actions of his seriously pissed off older brother. “I didn’t know-”
“Stop right there.” Zexion growled, taking another step forward as the railing pressed pretty shapes into Riku’s back. “I don’t fucking care if it was an accident or not. You should have known better than to be playing with fire in my LIBRARY.”
“DINNER!” Aerith’s whispery voice rang through the whole house.
The slate-haired teen stepped back and ran a hair through his hair. “Watch your back, little brother.”
The younger brother just whimpered, still standing stiff with his back pushed up against the railing.
--
“So, Zexion, how was the University?” A low, serious voice boomed across from the head of the table.
Zexion swallowed his food before answering. Dinner with Sephiroth was never time to have bad manners. “It was well enough, father. Nearly all my professors gave me the highest grades in the class.”
“Nearly?” There was a dangerous edge to that tone, Zexion knew he probably should have lied, but if he was caught, then it would only be worse.
“I came second in one class.” He quickly amended. “But I’ve been studying with the top student and will outdo him next year.”
His father’s brilliant green eyes surveyed him carefully. Zexion kept his expression smooth, but he could feel the cold sweat on the back of his neck. Everyone else had paused in their eating to watch, some in horror, others in mild curiosity.
“Which class?” Came the question, it wasn’t dripping in Death. Zexion nearly let out a sigh of relief. Sephiroth was in a good mood today.
“Music.” Zexion replied as politely as possible.
Paine spoke up this time, with a curious frown on her face. “Music? You don’t play anything.”
Zexion glared at her, hoping she would burst into flames, but her older sister just waited until their father wasn’t looking and mouthed the words, “Got you.”
Aerith was the one who saved him. “Oh but music is such a wonderful thing to learn at any time in life.” She winked at Zexion, “Plus, I bet it looks good on applications to be well-rounded, right dearest?”
Sephiroth snapped out of his love-induced, dopey-eyed gaze at Aerith, and turned his sights on his oldest son, looking vaguely impressed. “Being well-rounded is an excellent idea to pursue throughout your student career. Well done, Zexion.”
Everyone at the table relaxed.
Zexion nearly smiled.
--
Chapter 2: “Blood Isn’t Always Thicker Than Water”
“So, why are you taking Music?” A certain sister smiled at her fuming little brother.
Zexion pointed at the door of his room. “Out. Now.”
Paine rolled her eyes. “No thank you.”
The younger of the two scowled and mentally measured the look in his sister’s red eyes, then sighed in defeat. “You’ll badger me until I give in, yes?”
“Of course, dear brother.”
“Fine,” Zexion snapped, closing the windows he had been working on and logging out of the desktop. “But still. Door.” He pointed over his shoulder at the still open door, letting possibly everyone in the house listen in.
“Right, right.” Paine clumped over in her heavy boots (just how had she snuck up on him?), closed the door, locked it, and shoved a towel under it-just to be sure.
Zexion turned around in his computer chair to see his older sister flopped out comfortably on his bed. “That’s disturbing you know.”
“Oh shut it,” She sat up, buttoning her jacket up two more buttons. “You’re stalling. Tell me.”
The slate-haired boy scowled darkly, then his expression lightened slightly. “I… met someone.”
Paine’s lips twinged upwards, “Continue.”
“They’re the top ranked in the class.” He nodded to himself, letting his hair hide a bit more than half his face as he felt the blood heat up along his nose.
She gave him no mercy. “Yes, and?”
“We’re friends. That’s all.” He replied sharply, breaking from the slight smile that had been growing on his face into a dark glower.
“Ah.” She bared her teeth in a smile. “That’s all.” She turned his words around on him. “I see.” She stood with a dangerous flash to her eyes, “Well, I’ve got what I needed then. I’m off.”
Zexion relaxed slightly. “Back to Yuna and her crew?”
His older sister smiled without evil intent, for once, “We’re roommates now, Yuna, Rikku, and I.”
“What, not hanging with Auntie Lulu anymore?” The younger of them snorted playfully.
“Of course not. She’s too busy with our cousins now, anyway.” She rolled her eyes.
Zexion rocked on his chair, “How are our fire-headed cousins, anyway?”
“Reno’s got a decent job.” Paine shrugged.
“Ah, good for him.” Zexion said sarcastically.
“Axel’s on his last year of highschool-but you might wanna watch for him. He’s hooked up with this little knockout blond.”
One slate-colored brow rose, “Why would I watch out for that? I don’t care who Axel does in his freetime.”
Paine smiled threateningly again, “Because, Zex, this little smartarse blond-he’ll knock out anyone who so much as glances at him wrong.”
“How’d Axel get with him then?” Zexion frowned, trying to picture this boy with his pyromaniac cousin. “Wait, Axel’s gay?”
The red-eyed woman just shrugged. “Ask him about it.” She glanced at her watch and grimaced, “Ack, I’ve got to go or I’ll be late. See you, Shortstuff.”
“Love you, Mullethead.” Zexion replied without a bite.
Paine waved and ducked out of the door, dismantling the lock and towel first.
Zexion spun back around on his chair to his desktop. “She’ll be the death of me. I’m sure.” He muttered affectionately.
--
“So who’s this friend in your Music class?”
Zexion slammed the heel of his hand against his forehead. “Just a friend, mother.”
Aerith smiled lightly as she rolled out the dough on the countertop. “I just thought I’d say that you should feel free to invite your friend over sometime over the summer. I would love to meet him or her-Oh!” She looked surprised as if she had just figured out she didn’t know this, “What’s your friend’s name?”
The slate-haired teen dropped himself into one of the chairs at the empty table, watching his mother make cookies. He turned beet red and muttered something.
Aerith glanced over at him, a twinkle in her eyes, “What was that, dear?”
“Demyx,” Zexion frowned, “His name’s Demyx.”
--
x-posted: khfanfiction, rigo_argutiae
--
[NEXT: maybe?]
--
Cheat Sheet:
(oldest to youngest)
Parents: Sephiroth, Aerith
Kids: Paine, Zexion, Riku, Fujin "Fuu", Kadaj, Yazoo, Loz
Parents: Wakka, Lulu (sister to Sephiroth)
Kids: Reno, Axel
--
A/N: Alright, alright. That was total crack. I admit it. Plus too many of them are very out of character. I might re-write this into a more serious story one day, or I might just keep writing on this one. I do actually have more plot to go through. Anyway, enjoy the insanity :3
-kit
Genre: Kingdom Hearts/Final Fantasy, AU
Rating: PG14
Pairings: Zexion/Demyx, Axel/Roxas, mentions of Riku/Sora/Kairi, etc.
Summary: Zexion comes home from college to his rather insane family, but with Sephiroth as a father, and Aerith as a mother, who can blame them?
Chapter 1: “Can’t Live With ‘Em, Can’t Live Without ‘Em”
The slate-haired teen sighed, “Waiting here will not help…” He muttered to himself, knocking on the door.
First there was a CRASH then a BANG as if from a car backfiring… and to top it off, Zexion would have swore that that last THUD was a body hitting the front door.
Meekly, as if to counteract all the noise before, the modest wooden door crept open, a single green eye appearing just below the handle-two more eyes closely following.
Then the door was thrown wide with a cry, “ZEXY!”
The toddling triplets threw themselves at the poor teen, chanting among themselves, “Zexy’s back! Zexy’s back! Zexy’s back!”
Zexion glanced back at his car waiting in the driveway-at his last chance to escape-then at his toddler brothers who clung to him with their oddly illuminated eyes held wide to greet him. He settled himself in for a long summer.
“Yes, yes. I’m home.” He muttered pulling himself and his three cling-ons inside.
--
“Shortstuff! You’re back early!” His silver-haired other sister captured him in a head lock.
Zexion gasped for air, but still managed to respond, “Paine-you’re crushing-me.”
“Oops. Sorry, little brother.” She smiled, ruffling his hair-something he hated but she always did anyway-and let him go.
Before the slate-haired teen could recover, a wave of brown hair hit him.
“My darling dearest is hoooome!” Aerith spun him around.
The triplets echoed her in their usual creepy way, “Brother is hoooome!”
“Mom. Could you please stop. I love you too. Thaaat’s wonderful.” Zexion wobbled as she set him down, the short teen nearly toppling over.
A voice of reason called down the stairs, “Mother, could you please not kill him? He’s only been home for a moment.”
Aerith smiled and patted down her pink dress in an absent way. “My love won’t kill him, Riku dear.” Suddenly she paused, “Oh! My roast!” She cried and waddled back into the kitchen, the triplets following her like silver ducklings. Paine rolled her eyes and followed as well.
Zexion watched her go with an affectionate sigh of exasperation. “Mother’s pregnant… again.”
“Of course.” Said another voice from yet another silver-haired family member.
“Hello Fuu,” Zexion rolled his eyes (or at least his one visible eye) at her. “Glad to hear you’re making use of all my books. That vocabulary must be going to your head.”
“Welcome back.” She muttered sarcastically before disappearing back up the stairs.
As she past Riku, he rolled his eyes as well. “She’s using two words instead of just one now, at least.” He snorted, well aware she was still within hearing.
Fuu gave him a rather inappropriate gesture and slammed the door to her room.
“Still as crazy as ever.” Zexion let his eyes roam over the spotless entry way, strange that it was still clean as ever with all the kids-well, being kids-all over it. Aerith would not have her children live in a filthy house.
Riku leaned against the railing, his green eyes following Zexion with all the accuracy, but also the disinterest, of a cat. “Nothing’s changed much since you left for college.”
Zexion ignored his younger brother, “I’m not talking to anyone, I just happen to be mentioning my thoughts aloud.”
Riku cringed. “Still mad?”
“Still mad.” The slate-haired teen scowled deeply.
The younger brother hopped on the railing and slid down to where Zexion was meandering. “But I said I was sorry.”
Grey eyes locked onto green eyes, and Riku could see nothing but smoke filling them. “You may as well have killed me, you know. You’re just going to say ‘sorry’ and expect things to be all happy, happy, joy, joy?”
“But it was an accident!” Riku whimpered, as his older sibling moved in. Zexion may be shorter than Riku, but hell if the boy wanted to deal with the usually unfortunate actions of his seriously pissed off older brother. “I didn’t know-”
“Stop right there.” Zexion growled, taking another step forward as the railing pressed pretty shapes into Riku’s back. “I don’t fucking care if it was an accident or not. You should have known better than to be playing with fire in my LIBRARY.”
“DINNER!” Aerith’s whispery voice rang through the whole house.
The slate-haired teen stepped back and ran a hair through his hair. “Watch your back, little brother.”
The younger brother just whimpered, still standing stiff with his back pushed up against the railing.
--
“So, Zexion, how was the University?” A low, serious voice boomed across from the head of the table.
Zexion swallowed his food before answering. Dinner with Sephiroth was never time to have bad manners. “It was well enough, father. Nearly all my professors gave me the highest grades in the class.”
“Nearly?” There was a dangerous edge to that tone, Zexion knew he probably should have lied, but if he was caught, then it would only be worse.
“I came second in one class.” He quickly amended. “But I’ve been studying with the top student and will outdo him next year.”
His father’s brilliant green eyes surveyed him carefully. Zexion kept his expression smooth, but he could feel the cold sweat on the back of his neck. Everyone else had paused in their eating to watch, some in horror, others in mild curiosity.
“Which class?” Came the question, it wasn’t dripping in Death. Zexion nearly let out a sigh of relief. Sephiroth was in a good mood today.
“Music.” Zexion replied as politely as possible.
Paine spoke up this time, with a curious frown on her face. “Music? You don’t play anything.”
Zexion glared at her, hoping she would burst into flames, but her older sister just waited until their father wasn’t looking and mouthed the words, “Got you.”
Aerith was the one who saved him. “Oh but music is such a wonderful thing to learn at any time in life.” She winked at Zexion, “Plus, I bet it looks good on applications to be well-rounded, right dearest?”
Sephiroth snapped out of his love-induced, dopey-eyed gaze at Aerith, and turned his sights on his oldest son, looking vaguely impressed. “Being well-rounded is an excellent idea to pursue throughout your student career. Well done, Zexion.”
Everyone at the table relaxed.
Zexion nearly smiled.
--
Chapter 2: “Blood Isn’t Always Thicker Than Water”
“So, why are you taking Music?” A certain sister smiled at her fuming little brother.
Zexion pointed at the door of his room. “Out. Now.”
Paine rolled her eyes. “No thank you.”
The younger of the two scowled and mentally measured the look in his sister’s red eyes, then sighed in defeat. “You’ll badger me until I give in, yes?”
“Of course, dear brother.”
“Fine,” Zexion snapped, closing the windows he had been working on and logging out of the desktop. “But still. Door.” He pointed over his shoulder at the still open door, letting possibly everyone in the house listen in.
“Right, right.” Paine clumped over in her heavy boots (just how had she snuck up on him?), closed the door, locked it, and shoved a towel under it-just to be sure.
Zexion turned around in his computer chair to see his older sister flopped out comfortably on his bed. “That’s disturbing you know.”
“Oh shut it,” She sat up, buttoning her jacket up two more buttons. “You’re stalling. Tell me.”
The slate-haired boy scowled darkly, then his expression lightened slightly. “I… met someone.”
Paine’s lips twinged upwards, “Continue.”
“They’re the top ranked in the class.” He nodded to himself, letting his hair hide a bit more than half his face as he felt the blood heat up along his nose.
She gave him no mercy. “Yes, and?”
“We’re friends. That’s all.” He replied sharply, breaking from the slight smile that had been growing on his face into a dark glower.
“Ah.” She bared her teeth in a smile. “That’s all.” She turned his words around on him. “I see.” She stood with a dangerous flash to her eyes, “Well, I’ve got what I needed then. I’m off.”
Zexion relaxed slightly. “Back to Yuna and her crew?”
His older sister smiled without evil intent, for once, “We’re roommates now, Yuna, Rikku, and I.”
“What, not hanging with Auntie Lulu anymore?” The younger of them snorted playfully.
“Of course not. She’s too busy with our cousins now, anyway.” She rolled her eyes.
Zexion rocked on his chair, “How are our fire-headed cousins, anyway?”
“Reno’s got a decent job.” Paine shrugged.
“Ah, good for him.” Zexion said sarcastically.
“Axel’s on his last year of highschool-but you might wanna watch for him. He’s hooked up with this little knockout blond.”
One slate-colored brow rose, “Why would I watch out for that? I don’t care who Axel does in his freetime.”
Paine smiled threateningly again, “Because, Zex, this little smartarse blond-he’ll knock out anyone who so much as glances at him wrong.”
“How’d Axel get with him then?” Zexion frowned, trying to picture this boy with his pyromaniac cousin. “Wait, Axel’s gay?”
The red-eyed woman just shrugged. “Ask him about it.” She glanced at her watch and grimaced, “Ack, I’ve got to go or I’ll be late. See you, Shortstuff.”
“Love you, Mullethead.” Zexion replied without a bite.
Paine waved and ducked out of the door, dismantling the lock and towel first.
Zexion spun back around on his chair to his desktop. “She’ll be the death of me. I’m sure.” He muttered affectionately.
--
“So who’s this friend in your Music class?”
Zexion slammed the heel of his hand against his forehead. “Just a friend, mother.”
Aerith smiled lightly as she rolled out the dough on the countertop. “I just thought I’d say that you should feel free to invite your friend over sometime over the summer. I would love to meet him or her-Oh!” She looked surprised as if she had just figured out she didn’t know this, “What’s your friend’s name?”
The slate-haired teen dropped himself into one of the chairs at the empty table, watching his mother make cookies. He turned beet red and muttered something.
Aerith glanced over at him, a twinkle in her eyes, “What was that, dear?”
“Demyx,” Zexion frowned, “His name’s Demyx.”
--
x-posted: khfanfiction, rigo_argutiae
--
[NEXT: maybe?]
--
Cheat Sheet:
(oldest to youngest)
Parents: Sephiroth, Aerith
Kids: Paine, Zexion, Riku, Fujin "Fuu", Kadaj, Yazoo, Loz
Parents: Wakka, Lulu (sister to Sephiroth)
Kids: Reno, Axel
--
A/N: Alright, alright. That was total crack. I admit it. Plus too many of them are very out of character. I might re-write this into a more serious story one day, or I might just keep writing on this one. I do actually have more plot to go through. Anyway, enjoy the insanity :3
-kit