20 years and 20 dollars
When I woke up this morning my first thought was to the 20 dollars I recklessly misspent last night. It was a fitting end, though. As the day progressed, it soon became apparent that the 20 dollars was not the issue. The fact is that with it went 20 years of friendship.
There's a pithy little quotation about to have a friend you've got to be a friend. I suppose that explains the situation I am in. Somewhere along the line I stopped being a friend.
At some point something did click, something finally became clear: I'm forever behind. People identified my depression, my non-heterosexuality, my anti-social tendencies, the alcoholism, the gambling, long before I did. My comprehension skills are poor and while I can and should work on them right now I do not care. In about 2 years, I went from an okay part of the situation to the creepy uncle with the pity invite to knowing next year I won't even register as a thought.
In many ways, I do feel some pity. But I also feel relief. The relationships were unhealthy strains on all involved. Truthfully, why should anyone be in any sort of relationship in which all they feel is inadequate? Of course there is a consequence and that is that few people are left.
The lesson may be this: I just want to be comfortable in my misery. In other words, I don't want marriage or children or any of the frills, but I do want a roof over my head and access to any other material comforts I may desire. My best years are not behind me or ahead of me, as the best shall never be, if only because I could have done better.
Why lie anymore? I've been waiting to die for years. If that bothers you, then maybe you should abandon this sinking vessel as well. I just shoved people with 20 years time off (or maybe they shoved me?) either way, now is not the time for games. Don't push me I am not okay...
There's a pithy little quotation about to have a friend you've got to be a friend. I suppose that explains the situation I am in. Somewhere along the line I stopped being a friend.
At some point something did click, something finally became clear: I'm forever behind. People identified my depression, my non-heterosexuality, my anti-social tendencies, the alcoholism, the gambling, long before I did. My comprehension skills are poor and while I can and should work on them right now I do not care. In about 2 years, I went from an okay part of the situation to the creepy uncle with the pity invite to knowing next year I won't even register as a thought.
In many ways, I do feel some pity. But I also feel relief. The relationships were unhealthy strains on all involved. Truthfully, why should anyone be in any sort of relationship in which all they feel is inadequate? Of course there is a consequence and that is that few people are left.
The lesson may be this: I just want to be comfortable in my misery. In other words, I don't want marriage or children or any of the frills, but I do want a roof over my head and access to any other material comforts I may desire. My best years are not behind me or ahead of me, as the best shall never be, if only because I could have done better.
Why lie anymore? I've been waiting to die for years. If that bothers you, then maybe you should abandon this sinking vessel as well. I just shoved people with 20 years time off (or maybe they shoved me?) either way, now is not the time for games. Don't push me I am not okay...