"The only substance is the fog / And it hides all that has gone wrong / Can't see a thing ...
...Inside the maze."
Part of the physical housekeeping I have been doing involved finding and cataloging the 25 journals I have created over the past 11 (almost 12!) years. I did not do a thorough search through any of them; the goal was simply to arrange them in chronological order and label them accordingly. There were some memories that came back, forgotten thoughts. I noted that at one point I kept writing "whistle while you work." Wtf?
Another recurrent note was vagueness. There were comments such as "be healthy" or "lose weight" or "try harder" again, Wtf? That is all vague bullshit shit. How am I going to do it? Why am I going to do it? How will I know if and when I was able to achieve the goal?
These persistent defects are still present in my life. I have gotten better at organizing, but obviously the undertaking of this project indicates that much progress is to be made.
But more progress can be made. Though I am working on my mind, however, there are other issues to fix. The most notable issue to fix would be my interpersonal relationships.
Today, in the span of approximately 90 minutes, I managed to offend the two non-family members I am closest to at this moment. I know that with one of the offended parties, the hurt probably didn't register. In fact, I may be overdramatizing. With the other, unfortunately, I know that my careless remarks were hurtful. Because of how this person behaves, I am confident that suicide/other overtly destructive behaviors and actions will not occur, but I still worry. This friend is good at isolating. He has been my only social connection outside of myself.
One of the problems I have faced is my inability to form and maintain steady social relationships. This is evidenced by the fact that the people I do keep in contact with I have known for years (i.e. I do not form new relationships) and go in and out of my life, mostly at my discretion. They stick by me, even when I have done things that would drive others away permanently.
It's funny that I mention all this or write about it. I was to have spent the last hour responding to emails. Instead, I read/helped edit a paper and checked out lj a bit. It is time to retire to bed now. If I am able to function, I believe I will start running tomorrow. I need the exercise. The time for action is certainly now.
In sum: I've got to stop being such an asshole!
Part of the physical housekeeping I have been doing involved finding and cataloging the 25 journals I have created over the past 11 (almost 12!) years. I did not do a thorough search through any of them; the goal was simply to arrange them in chronological order and label them accordingly. There were some memories that came back, forgotten thoughts. I noted that at one point I kept writing "whistle while you work." Wtf?
Another recurrent note was vagueness. There were comments such as "be healthy" or "lose weight" or "try harder" again, Wtf? That is all vague bullshit shit. How am I going to do it? Why am I going to do it? How will I know if and when I was able to achieve the goal?
These persistent defects are still present in my life. I have gotten better at organizing, but obviously the undertaking of this project indicates that much progress is to be made.
But more progress can be made. Though I am working on my mind, however, there are other issues to fix. The most notable issue to fix would be my interpersonal relationships.
Today, in the span of approximately 90 minutes, I managed to offend the two non-family members I am closest to at this moment. I know that with one of the offended parties, the hurt probably didn't register. In fact, I may be overdramatizing. With the other, unfortunately, I know that my careless remarks were hurtful. Because of how this person behaves, I am confident that suicide/other overtly destructive behaviors and actions will not occur, but I still worry. This friend is good at isolating. He has been my only social connection outside of myself.
One of the problems I have faced is my inability to form and maintain steady social relationships. This is evidenced by the fact that the people I do keep in contact with I have known for years (i.e. I do not form new relationships) and go in and out of my life, mostly at my discretion. They stick by me, even when I have done things that would drive others away permanently.
It's funny that I mention all this or write about it. I was to have spent the last hour responding to emails. Instead, I read/helped edit a paper and checked out lj a bit. It is time to retire to bed now. If I am able to function, I believe I will start running tomorrow. I need the exercise. The time for action is certainly now.
In sum: I've got to stop being such an asshole!