thoughts and generations of my dreams are yet unborn
Today was better and substantially more productive than yesterday, actually. Yesterday was more of a relaxing family day, with minimal productivity. I still got some important business items done, such as going to the meeting and talking to that friend. But, enough about that as I wrote of those topics and themes yesterday.
Surprisingly, I woke up a few minutes before my alarm this morning. That is somewhat reassuring, as it means I am getting used to a set amount of hours slept --which tends to be about 7 to 7 1/2 --which is substantially more than most people I know actually get. I just worry because, if I do that for say, 3-5 days in a row, it exhausts me. I suppose the other part of the equation is that I'm not used to waking up and actually being productive throughout the entire day --from morning to night. So, I shouldn't complain. I just worry because I see how it can manifest itself in some nervous-eating habits, how by the 4th day or so I'm so exhausted I'm almost worthless. Again, this isn't necessarily a complaint (although feel free to view it that way, if you so desire) but merely a sort of note of caution. I'm a low-energy person, and this is the most active/responsible I've been in a great many years. It feels good, but it does take a great deal of readjustment. I'm just worried about the winter, what with flu season soon to be upon us and my continued exposure to a great many teens, new people, new situations, and, again, more time spent awake and active.
All in all, however, it isn't bad. It is good; it is a mere penance for the past 7-8 years of alcoholism, depression, and just plain, bad-living. Essentially, for better or for worse, I am dealing with events from years prior, particularly the legacy of 2003 --which was, in many ways, a result, a consequence of the events of 1999.
But I'm tired of existing in the shadows. I'm ready to go out into the sun and live, damnit, live.
Each day I feel closer to achieving those goals, those aspirations. I'm just a bit sad that my rock-bottom did involve having life-altering surgery and being hospitalized (for a 3rd time in 8 years). But, what's done is done. I have to move forward, as best I can.
As I was cleaning my room today, organizing and prepping papers and clothes and projects for the week, I felt good. My underwear is actually all in one place; my papers are in a logical, coherent, organized fashion. I was able to junk a lot of stuff and collect relevant stuff together. A lot of things (like some magazines, etc.) simply hadn't been put in their proper place.
I've spent years putting things --rather recklessly, I might add-- in the "in-box" and then tucking the "in-box" under the carpet. I'm finally taking care of business.
Sure, I may only be 25, but I already have at least a generation's worth of regrets and mistakes, of past transgressions that I will have to atone for at some point. I'll never be able to take away all the hurt, pain, and misery I've caused, but I'm finally at a point where not only can I say it, but I can also take actions to minimize causing any further hurt, pain, or misery.
It feels good to be doing the right things for the right reasons. I don't know that my father is appreciating any of my increased efforts, but I know my mom is. The way I see it, the help I've been giving her is the bare minimum --and it is stuff I should have been doing for years now.
I'm grateful to be alive --that's not something I could say even a year ago. Keep on rockin' in the free world, everyone.
Surprisingly, I woke up a few minutes before my alarm this morning. That is somewhat reassuring, as it means I am getting used to a set amount of hours slept --which tends to be about 7 to 7 1/2 --which is substantially more than most people I know actually get. I just worry because, if I do that for say, 3-5 days in a row, it exhausts me. I suppose the other part of the equation is that I'm not used to waking up and actually being productive throughout the entire day --from morning to night. So, I shouldn't complain. I just worry because I see how it can manifest itself in some nervous-eating habits, how by the 4th day or so I'm so exhausted I'm almost worthless. Again, this isn't necessarily a complaint (although feel free to view it that way, if you so desire) but merely a sort of note of caution. I'm a low-energy person, and this is the most active/responsible I've been in a great many years. It feels good, but it does take a great deal of readjustment. I'm just worried about the winter, what with flu season soon to be upon us and my continued exposure to a great many teens, new people, new situations, and, again, more time spent awake and active.
All in all, however, it isn't bad. It is good; it is a mere penance for the past 7-8 years of alcoholism, depression, and just plain, bad-living. Essentially, for better or for worse, I am dealing with events from years prior, particularly the legacy of 2003 --which was, in many ways, a result, a consequence of the events of 1999.
But I'm tired of existing in the shadows. I'm ready to go out into the sun and live, damnit, live.
Each day I feel closer to achieving those goals, those aspirations. I'm just a bit sad that my rock-bottom did involve having life-altering surgery and being hospitalized (for a 3rd time in 8 years). But, what's done is done. I have to move forward, as best I can.
As I was cleaning my room today, organizing and prepping papers and clothes and projects for the week, I felt good. My underwear is actually all in one place; my papers are in a logical, coherent, organized fashion. I was able to junk a lot of stuff and collect relevant stuff together. A lot of things (like some magazines, etc.) simply hadn't been put in their proper place.
I've spent years putting things --rather recklessly, I might add-- in the "in-box" and then tucking the "in-box" under the carpet. I'm finally taking care of business.
Sure, I may only be 25, but I already have at least a generation's worth of regrets and mistakes, of past transgressions that I will have to atone for at some point. I'll never be able to take away all the hurt, pain, and misery I've caused, but I'm finally at a point where not only can I say it, but I can also take actions to minimize causing any further hurt, pain, or misery.
It feels good to be doing the right things for the right reasons. I don't know that my father is appreciating any of my increased efforts, but I know my mom is. The way I see it, the help I've been giving her is the bare minimum --and it is stuff I should have been doing for years now.
I'm grateful to be alive --that's not something I could say even a year ago. Keep on rockin' in the free world, everyone.