Goody2shoe545 (8:43:24 PM): Michael'z nickname is Mikey...
he has friendz who are dykie...
he likez 2 eat pie...
and he really likez guyz...
he's AWAY from online..
and i don't know why! :-D
that's the happy spot. I want to die. yeah. I thought about it. why stay alive for my friends? no, I'm not going to die, I'm just thinking about it. it's upsetting. my parents have a gambling problem. I see my psychotherapist tomorrow. school is my life. I'm gay and awkward. I don't know how to get along with myself or anyone else. I have a chemical imbalance. I'M ALSO A WHINY LITTLE BITCH, IN CASE YOU COULDN'T TELL. yeah.
and then, to top it all off, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for writing this. I just, I want someone to know how I feel. but I can't. I just want a hug, but I'm too timid to ask for it. I just want to be held, like a mother would hold her young. I just want a father to play catch with. but I didn't get either. I got parents who were too busy working. I'd spend my afternoons with my grandparents. yeah. that was lovely. did I mention my grandparents are dead and how traumatic that is? my dad was too busy working, and I was never a typical male child. now, instead of embracing them, I embrace this on-line garbage. talking to people I'll never see, or talking to behind a monitor that have people issues or I can't see for other reasons. we're all worthless; humans are like grains of rice, or grains of sand, or cheerios. there are too many. yeah. that's why I'm sad. I wasn't indoctrinated with religion. I live in an area and am at a point in my life where it's difficult to express my sexuality. I frequently spend time at home, doing nothing. yeah, this is me when I'm depressed. can I die yet? no. I can't. and you know what, it's not worth it. nothing is. I'm tired of living, I'm tired of dying. I'm just going to exist. when my heart stops beating, I'll still be exisiting, on some other plane. we never die, because we were never born.
I was listenin' to the Smiths "I Know It's Over" and to freakin' "Head Over Heels" by Tears for Fears. I was reminded of life. I was so happy this afternoon, why must I deal with this? I don't want either. I just want to be stable. this ain't worth it. the high nearly is, but it ain't. yeah. fuck. i'm sad. the room is spinning. I'd better go to sleep. yeah, that's better than wasting your time or my time. why should either be done? no, if my parents don't want me, and I'm embarassed by them, why should I matter? i just want someone to care for me. I'm an attention-hungry bastard. this is gonna haunt me until I really am fat and forty-five. *sigh* okay, sleep. that's my only other salvation. I can't believe I wrote. I only wrote this for the attention. but I do need it. just, gah. I don't know. what do I want? what do I get? nothing. nothing. yeah. that's me all over. that's you all over. i'm sorry. i'm sorry I wasted your time. . .