sunday nights
I came downstairs a few moments ago because I didn't feel quite satisfied with today. I don't know if it because I didn't spend enough time online, or I didn't eat or hydrate properly, or maybe I didn't read enough of the newspaper. Something compelled me back down.
Upon coming downstairs, I began doing what I have been prone to do since I created an account in May 2007: I've been abusing twitter. I really do get the appeal behind the internet and twitter and what not. Obviously. I mean, I wouldn't have even started this blog if I didn't feel I had something to day. Instead of forming meaningful connections, I have used --and abused --the internet as a place to express my ever-growing narcissism.
I don't know how to form meaningful connections. That isn't to say that I haven't, or that I don't have any, but to say that it seems a great mystery to me. For all the efforts I've made to make my life seem deliberate and built-on conscious efforts, the truth is that I am terribly anarchic.
That inherent anarchism, deep in the cell of my heart, is what drives me. It is that sense of hating and not wanting to be regulated that kept me for so long from being med-compliant. It is also that very strain of thought that kept me from wanting to have the gastric bypass sooner, for fear of the inevitable: the need for change and careful monitoring, particularly in the form of vitamins.
This obsession with this false dichotomy of anarchism-authoritarianism is continuing to drive me mad. I really, really regret not taking German and actually sticking with the class.
That being said, I'm still really glad I took Russian.I'm also, as part of a purposeful cognitive shift and because of the job I am going to be training for, inching closer to Latin America.
I still maintain, that while I would like to learn French, and another Slavic language or two (I'm looking at you, BCS and at you, Polish), I really just wish I had learned the fucking German.
I don't think much has been done on this, but I would like, as a program of research or something, to focus on strands of authoritarianism --in English, Russian, and Spanish-speaking countries. Obviously, much ink and blood has been spilled on the subject, especially in regards to Russia. But doesn't that sound interesting?
Despite my specialization in Eastern Europe as an undergrad, I'm really also interested in the history of the ideas/intellectual history and comparative history.
I really really do want to go to graduate school for History. But I'm just not sure I can keep my thoughts focused enough for research. And, as I've been alluding to, I don't have the language training necessary to accomplish what I hope to --and I may never have that language training! I did pull off an okay GPA in terms of history, and I did study at a UC, and under fairly respectable, albeit it minor, historians. And I did complete an undergraduate thesis.
So what am I so worried about? Most of the programs that would even begin to get close to offering what I'm interested in or would like to study are some very, very prestigious universities. And with that prestige, comes many, many difficult prerequisites (mainly the language training). I'm just so scared. Someone once commented to me that to find out where you should begin looking at for grad school, look at the publishing companies of the books that attract you. If that is the case, then quite honestly, I should have my eyes set on --get ready for it --either another UC (Berkeley, I'm looking at you) -- or, that very prestigious, very pretentious, very Ivy League school of Harvard. Yes, Harvard. Incidentally, my two favourite History professors at UCSC got their PhDs from there.
I don't have the balls or the intellectual capabilities to even begin applying to Harvard. It's funny, however, when you do the same sort of comparison for linguistics (i.e. looking at where the books are published) there is no clear or coherent idea of where to begin applying. Linguistics professors, or at least the young ones, seem to be constantly roaming. Sure, there are a few names that crop up regularly --other UCs; Massachusetts at Amherst; Stanford; Harvard (again); and, of course MIT, home to Chomsky.
I don't know. I have so many ideas, but they either don't seem to be very good, or would only be sustainable at a very prestigious university that could afford to gamble on such esoteric musings.
I have a voice, damnit. I want it to be heard, too. But, amidst the verifiable wall of sounds --and many of them better and more coherent than my own --how do I make myself stand out? How do I make myself heard?
I have not a clue. But, if and when I do figure it out, you can bet on it that I'll be applying to that school, that program, that will (hopefully) fulfill my needs and desires.
Upon coming downstairs, I began doing what I have been prone to do since I created an account in May 2007: I've been abusing twitter. I really do get the appeal behind the internet and twitter and what not. Obviously. I mean, I wouldn't have even started this blog if I didn't feel I had something to day. Instead of forming meaningful connections, I have used --and abused --the internet as a place to express my ever-growing narcissism.
I don't know how to form meaningful connections. That isn't to say that I haven't, or that I don't have any, but to say that it seems a great mystery to me. For all the efforts I've made to make my life seem deliberate and built-on conscious efforts, the truth is that I am terribly anarchic.
That inherent anarchism, deep in the cell of my heart, is what drives me. It is that sense of hating and not wanting to be regulated that kept me for so long from being med-compliant. It is also that very strain of thought that kept me from wanting to have the gastric bypass sooner, for fear of the inevitable: the need for change and careful monitoring, particularly in the form of vitamins.
This obsession with this false dichotomy of anarchism-authoritarianism is continuing to drive me mad. I really, really regret not taking German and actually sticking with the class.
That being said, I'm still really glad I took Russian.I'm also, as part of a purposeful cognitive shift and because of the job I am going to be training for, inching closer to Latin America.
I still maintain, that while I would like to learn French, and another Slavic language or two (I'm looking at you, BCS and at you, Polish), I really just wish I had learned the fucking German.
I don't think much has been done on this, but I would like, as a program of research or something, to focus on strands of authoritarianism --in English, Russian, and Spanish-speaking countries. Obviously, much ink and blood has been spilled on the subject, especially in regards to Russia. But doesn't that sound interesting?
Despite my specialization in Eastern Europe as an undergrad, I'm really also interested in the history of the ideas/intellectual history and comparative history.
I really really do want to go to graduate school for History. But I'm just not sure I can keep my thoughts focused enough for research. And, as I've been alluding to, I don't have the language training necessary to accomplish what I hope to --and I may never have that language training! I did pull off an okay GPA in terms of history, and I did study at a UC, and under fairly respectable, albeit it minor, historians. And I did complete an undergraduate thesis.
So what am I so worried about? Most of the programs that would even begin to get close to offering what I'm interested in or would like to study are some very, very prestigious universities. And with that prestige, comes many, many difficult prerequisites (mainly the language training). I'm just so scared. Someone once commented to me that to find out where you should begin looking at for grad school, look at the publishing companies of the books that attract you. If that is the case, then quite honestly, I should have my eyes set on --get ready for it --either another UC (Berkeley, I'm looking at you) -- or, that very prestigious, very pretentious, very Ivy League school of Harvard. Yes, Harvard. Incidentally, my two favourite History professors at UCSC got their PhDs from there.
I don't have the balls or the intellectual capabilities to even begin applying to Harvard. It's funny, however, when you do the same sort of comparison for linguistics (i.e. looking at where the books are published) there is no clear or coherent idea of where to begin applying. Linguistics professors, or at least the young ones, seem to be constantly roaming. Sure, there are a few names that crop up regularly --other UCs; Massachusetts at Amherst; Stanford; Harvard (again); and, of course MIT, home to Chomsky.
I don't know. I have so many ideas, but they either don't seem to be very good, or would only be sustainable at a very prestigious university that could afford to gamble on such esoteric musings.
I have a voice, damnit. I want it to be heard, too. But, amidst the verifiable wall of sounds --and many of them better and more coherent than my own --how do I make myself stand out? How do I make myself heard?
I have not a clue. But, if and when I do figure it out, you can bet on it that I'll be applying to that school, that program, that will (hopefully) fulfill my needs and desires.