In golden Hannibal Carthage days marchin' onto Rome knockin' on the door and findin' nobody home...
I'm listening to Jefferson Airplane, one of my favourite (but often neglected) bands. They have a bit of material I still haven't delved into (mostly life stuff) and post-Airplane stuff. I don't claim to be a purist, as I have indeed given a listen to some post-Airplane stuff. I'd be lying if I said there wern't large swaths of it that are shitty. But, I'd also be lying if I said I didn't enjoy it.
Writing that last paragraph I got some nostalgia. There was a time in Santa Cruz when I would go to Logo's and preview records. I never bought any because I didn't (and still don't) have a working record player. That, and I wanted to spend my money on food, booze, and maybe a book or two. I squandered a lot of money throughout those 4 years. Hell, I've squandered a lot of money throughout my whole life. I have a fairly large library, considering how little employment I've really had and how much I've spent on food and booze. But, aside from those books, I've got nothing. They're just sort of their, products of thoughts of lives better lived than mine.
I know, I said I'd try to reduce the pity partying. There's a desperate quality to me right now. I can't quite explain it, and I'm not sure I want to.
I just had to record something, something about how Jefferson Airplane makes me feel. I enjoy all their Airplane albums, all 7 of them. I often go back and forth on which is my favourite, but right now, it is most likely Bark (1971) simply owing to "When the Earth Moves Again" and "Third Week in the Chelsea."
The song "Third Week in the Chelsea" strikes a particular chord at this point in my life. It is, admittedly and well-known, to be a farewell letter to a band that was disintegrating anyways. I guess that's important because it is now coming clear to me that I keep destroying my life. I go through these periods where I try to build something for myself, and then...
I'm awfully caught up in self-destructive cycles. No matter how much propaganda I can create, there's always the feeling of knowing that I'm betraying myself. If only I had the courage to really admit I was wrong, and really correct those actions.
So many people I've cast aside, for fear that they would eventually do the same to me. I've been saying it a lot lately, but I think I am getting closer to "getting it." I still don't quite know why anyone would want to be my friend, but for better or for worse, I've had quite a few people put up with my bullshit over the years.
I want nothing more than to apologise to each and everyone of them. But I know I can't. I can't do it because I have no contact information for some, others I don't want to admit defeat to, and still others, I know, would be damaged more if I contacted them. I've done so many terrible things my whole life.
I needed to get sober to see the forest from the trees. Today is day 79, and it doesn't get any easier. I could sit back and blame most of it on being bipolar and being an alcoholic. But that wouldn't be right. It wouldn't do justice to any of the situations I've created over the years.
I've been pointing a bloodied finger at myself and others over the years, never really acknowledging that the blood is on my hands. That the blood is my own, mixed with others. I've done so many terrible things. I'm just so sick and tired.
I wish I could take back all the pain I've inflicted on myself and others.
As I've said before, the clock cannot be turned back. I'll forever live with those memories of August 1999. I've been stunted in my growth --spiritually, emotionally, etc -- since then. I just made it worse by drinking.
I need to remember who I was then and try to live. Christ, if half my life has been a lie...and I can't remember the other half...where does that leave me?
It leaves me alone, crippled inside, clinging to memories of what never was, and what will never be.
I just got one of those Royal Tenenbaum moments. That scene where Royal says "these past few days have been some of the greatest of my life" and then, the narrator notes that "immediately after saying that, Royal knew it was true."
I guess what I'm saying is everyone is right, I am just an asshole. But I don't really know any other way to live. I guess I'll have to figure that out if I'm to go forward.
"I'm so very sickened, oh I am so sickened now..."
Writing that last paragraph I got some nostalgia. There was a time in Santa Cruz when I would go to Logo's and preview records. I never bought any because I didn't (and still don't) have a working record player. That, and I wanted to spend my money on food, booze, and maybe a book or two. I squandered a lot of money throughout those 4 years. Hell, I've squandered a lot of money throughout my whole life. I have a fairly large library, considering how little employment I've really had and how much I've spent on food and booze. But, aside from those books, I've got nothing. They're just sort of their, products of thoughts of lives better lived than mine.
I know, I said I'd try to reduce the pity partying. There's a desperate quality to me right now. I can't quite explain it, and I'm not sure I want to.
I just had to record something, something about how Jefferson Airplane makes me feel. I enjoy all their Airplane albums, all 7 of them. I often go back and forth on which is my favourite, but right now, it is most likely Bark (1971) simply owing to "When the Earth Moves Again" and "Third Week in the Chelsea."
The song "Third Week in the Chelsea" strikes a particular chord at this point in my life. It is, admittedly and well-known, to be a farewell letter to a band that was disintegrating anyways. I guess that's important because it is now coming clear to me that I keep destroying my life. I go through these periods where I try to build something for myself, and then...
I'm awfully caught up in self-destructive cycles. No matter how much propaganda I can create, there's always the feeling of knowing that I'm betraying myself. If only I had the courage to really admit I was wrong, and really correct those actions.
So many people I've cast aside, for fear that they would eventually do the same to me. I've been saying it a lot lately, but I think I am getting closer to "getting it." I still don't quite know why anyone would want to be my friend, but for better or for worse, I've had quite a few people put up with my bullshit over the years.
I want nothing more than to apologise to each and everyone of them. But I know I can't. I can't do it because I have no contact information for some, others I don't want to admit defeat to, and still others, I know, would be damaged more if I contacted them. I've done so many terrible things my whole life.
I needed to get sober to see the forest from the trees. Today is day 79, and it doesn't get any easier. I could sit back and blame most of it on being bipolar and being an alcoholic. But that wouldn't be right. It wouldn't do justice to any of the situations I've created over the years.
I've been pointing a bloodied finger at myself and others over the years, never really acknowledging that the blood is on my hands. That the blood is my own, mixed with others. I've done so many terrible things. I'm just so sick and tired.
I wish I could take back all the pain I've inflicted on myself and others.
As I've said before, the clock cannot be turned back. I'll forever live with those memories of August 1999. I've been stunted in my growth --spiritually, emotionally, etc -- since then. I just made it worse by drinking.
I need to remember who I was then and try to live. Christ, if half my life has been a lie...and I can't remember the other half...where does that leave me?
It leaves me alone, crippled inside, clinging to memories of what never was, and what will never be.
I just got one of those Royal Tenenbaum moments. That scene where Royal says "these past few days have been some of the greatest of my life" and then, the narrator notes that "immediately after saying that, Royal knew it was true."
I guess what I'm saying is everyone is right, I am just an asshole. But I don't really know any other way to live. I guess I'll have to figure that out if I'm to go forward.
"I'm so very sickened, oh I am so sickened now..."