fresh lilaced-moorland fields can not hide the stolid stench of death
you know, there was something in Klosterman's Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs that sorta had a rational as to why the Latinos/Hispanics had a fascination with Moz. I think I fall in to that Latino/Hispanic category. and I do have a fascination with Moz. yeah.
so I started reading another book. I have a feeling it will take me a while, and that I'll be reading other books on the side. The book is very long. It is a biography on Khruschev. so, yeah.
I guess I feel odd because deep in the cell of my heart, at least for now, I feel quite ambivalent about this whole life thing. I'm not entirely gung-ho, but I'm not so miserable about it that I'm eating more or sleeping more or anything. I think that sleeping and eating and masturbation have been 3 crucial vices to me in these, my teen years, and now that I more or less have them under control, it's a bit odd and can be quite frustrating. okay, the sleeping I'm still working on, but I have control as far as eating and masturbation.
right now, or well, about an hour ago really, there was caitlyn's birthday party in full swing transpiring downstairs. I slept through it, and was forced to stumble down awkwardly because my father asked me too. yeah. I don't want to deal with that sorta thing right now.
you know what? I've been labeled by friends and my therapist as the seemingly most healthy person in my household. that worries me. I feel so insecure and so stupid at times, sometimes pretty regularly. I don't work well with people, and while I never try to correct it, I can feel people taking advantage of me. shame on me for not correcting it! ( I don't know how; I'm not tactful) mainly it's my mom and my sister, or well, it used to be, that they would use me as their little pawn. I didn't really noticed much at the time because I was caught up in the emotional fluster. but, that's calmed, and well, now I'm just me getting taken advantage of again. I wish I could be assertive. I think I'm just too passive.
I was also thinking about it, and yeah. I think a big reason for why I'm so depressed/angsty is being overweight AND homosexual. I don't think the two mix, and I just want to be a pretty queer, but I never will be. so then I wish I could like girls, but I don't think I ever will be able to. and then I get confused and think I don't even like boys. I don't know. I just wish I could forget my sexual urges. roar. makes me think of How Soon Is Now? so, yeah.
I wish I could fit in with the times. I wish. hahaha, makes me think of some radiohead song that's name I don't properly recall. oh! the bends! yeah. and I'm just going off on tangents. I know. yeah. I'm sorry. I guess the most important thing to me right now is accurately labeling this new feeling I keep encountering. It's like, growing pains, somewhere in the chest near, but not including, the heart. my soul is changing or something.
I love you live-journal readers. that's important to me right now. thank you for taking the time to at least feign interest in me. It means a lot me, and I really like reading your journal. by the way, this is for all dem "friends" I have listed or whatever. and it's to some real life friends, but most of them will never read this. okay, you're tired of reading and I'm tired of updating. sorry. I just wish I could nap or go out and 'participate' and not be caught in this middle. roar. I wish I knew what this feeling was called.
so I started reading another book. I have a feeling it will take me a while, and that I'll be reading other books on the side. The book is very long. It is a biography on Khruschev. so, yeah.
I guess I feel odd because deep in the cell of my heart, at least for now, I feel quite ambivalent about this whole life thing. I'm not entirely gung-ho, but I'm not so miserable about it that I'm eating more or sleeping more or anything. I think that sleeping and eating and masturbation have been 3 crucial vices to me in these, my teen years, and now that I more or less have them under control, it's a bit odd and can be quite frustrating. okay, the sleeping I'm still working on, but I have control as far as eating and masturbation.
right now, or well, about an hour ago really, there was caitlyn's birthday party in full swing transpiring downstairs. I slept through it, and was forced to stumble down awkwardly because my father asked me too. yeah. I don't want to deal with that sorta thing right now.
you know what? I've been labeled by friends and my therapist as the seemingly most healthy person in my household. that worries me. I feel so insecure and so stupid at times, sometimes pretty regularly. I don't work well with people, and while I never try to correct it, I can feel people taking advantage of me. shame on me for not correcting it! ( I don't know how; I'm not tactful) mainly it's my mom and my sister, or well, it used to be, that they would use me as their little pawn. I didn't really noticed much at the time because I was caught up in the emotional fluster. but, that's calmed, and well, now I'm just me getting taken advantage of again. I wish I could be assertive. I think I'm just too passive.
I was also thinking about it, and yeah. I think a big reason for why I'm so depressed/angsty is being overweight AND homosexual. I don't think the two mix, and I just want to be a pretty queer, but I never will be. so then I wish I could like girls, but I don't think I ever will be able to. and then I get confused and think I don't even like boys. I don't know. I just wish I could forget my sexual urges. roar. makes me think of How Soon Is Now? so, yeah.
I wish I could fit in with the times. I wish. hahaha, makes me think of some radiohead song that's name I don't properly recall. oh! the bends! yeah. and I'm just going off on tangents. I know. yeah. I'm sorry. I guess the most important thing to me right now is accurately labeling this new feeling I keep encountering. It's like, growing pains, somewhere in the chest near, but not including, the heart. my soul is changing or something.
I love you live-journal readers. that's important to me right now. thank you for taking the time to at least feign interest in me. It means a lot me, and I really like reading your journal. by the way, this is for all dem "friends" I have listed or whatever. and it's to some real life friends, but most of them will never read this. okay, you're tired of reading and I'm tired of updating. sorry. I just wish I could nap or go out and 'participate' and not be caught in this middle. roar. I wish I knew what this feeling was called.