You're a capital G goof!
And now, I shall take my first break in 20 years. I'm going to relax even if it kills me!
okay, so I'm not even twenty-years old, and yeah. oh well. deal with it. sometimes, we just have to deal with things. ah, the joys of hypocrisy: I can't seem to deal with much. I feel a lot better than I did last night though; last night I just wanted to sleep....I kept waking up though. odd.
I realised part of what was bugging me this week: school means change. all summer long I was based-on a flexible approach to everything, after all, it was summer. only this summer, I truly learned --for myself-- the importance of free time and change. I've never reacted so violently to the changes of school, but yeah. I really just want change. last weekend I thought my sister's birthday party offered changed, and in come cases it did, but it also offered grim and cryptic hopes for the future.
it occurred to me to-day how much time has truly elapsed. I never really thought about it, I just attempted to live it, and wow, it's four years later. okay, slightly more. I'm talking about August 7th, 1999, the day that changed my life. I've already mentioned that, but yeah....I dunno. I just wish I wouldn't let it get to me. I'm getting tired of being depressed.
oh, and peanut butter and jelly with maple syrup is good....but too messy. hehehe. yeah. very good. I love maple syrup.
oh, there was a bit of a row to-day, between me and my uncle. my uncle is 55 years old and mixes anti-depressants with alcohol; has been such a bad alcoholic at times that he's hit on my sister and my aunt (whom he once accidentally kissed on her lips;) and gotten into car accidents and his license revoked; had a nervous break-down some 20 or 30 years ago and has been collecting social security ever since and now tries to play the sympathy card; speaks only spanish and some broken english; grew up very dependent on my grandparents (both of which are now dead) and oppressed by my grandfather; he has his own house (grandparents old house) and comes over to my house to spend the night and he comes over during the day ( he says he's too depressed to be alone); believes everyone in California, Arizona and New Mexico and such ought speak Spanish and that those states should still be part of Mexico; took up smoking at my grandfather's insistence that he needed something to do with his hands after his break-down; is now dependent on my mother and an uncle (the uncle just likes to drink with him and belittle him); wears very dark sunglasses to 'cover his face' because of his social anxiety and which after over 2 decades of use are starting to make him lose his vision; refuses to listen to anyone except my mother and the uncle (the two of which don't get along) and belittles anyone's suggestions; always bugging someone at my house what's for dinner and where it is and if he/she can serve him or such;calls repetitively to ask how we are and what day it is (mind you, this is after he leaves the house and gets home; 30 minutes elapsed between the last time we saw him and got the call as to how we're doing and that he forgot this or that); insists that my mother buy large quantities of pastry and such because he likes it, even though everyone in the house knows that we can and should and need to do without it; an overall nuisance that can't take care of himself properly.
well, that old sack of shit asked me who was washing my brain. I said no one was and it didn't matter. he called me an idiot and wouldn't drop the subject. mind you, this row began with me upstairs talking privately to an aunt while he was downstairs 'sleeping' and decided he could yell upstairs and such. well, he wouldn't lay off, so I started yelling back and called him a worthless sack of shit -certainly not a nice or appropriate action. and then the fighting began and a third aunt was over and was defending me and then he started yelling at her and saying that she was worthless because her husband was black (my uncle lived with his black girlfriend in the 80s). he wouldn't lay off and said he had a right to be there, even though he doesn't live there or have any concern to be here. he pulls this sort of shit all the time when my parents arn't home, but hasn't tried such in a while. I eventually stopped yelling and so did he.
yeah, so that aside, and the waffling feelings caused by my work-out to-day has been a better day. I smell better days, busier days, ahead this week. I think that's the other thing: if I can stay busy and forget I have feelings, things'll be okay. cause if I remember I have feelings I want to sit and dissect them, which is a long-ass process. so, yeah. if I look at the calendar I have like, 3 things this week, 4 tests ( 3 on tuesday, oh-no!) I'm certain something else to be thrown at me. well, here's to hoping sunday can be long and productive.
I'm going to call it an early night and hopefully see the glorious sun rise on this new phase of michael. yeah, it'll be good to shave tomorrow; a week's worth of facial hair ain't pretty.
okay, so I'm not even twenty-years old, and yeah. oh well. deal with it. sometimes, we just have to deal with things. ah, the joys of hypocrisy: I can't seem to deal with much. I feel a lot better than I did last night though; last night I just wanted to sleep....I kept waking up though. odd.
I realised part of what was bugging me this week: school means change. all summer long I was based-on a flexible approach to everything, after all, it was summer. only this summer, I truly learned --for myself-- the importance of free time and change. I've never reacted so violently to the changes of school, but yeah. I really just want change. last weekend I thought my sister's birthday party offered changed, and in come cases it did, but it also offered grim and cryptic hopes for the future.
it occurred to me to-day how much time has truly elapsed. I never really thought about it, I just attempted to live it, and wow, it's four years later. okay, slightly more. I'm talking about August 7th, 1999, the day that changed my life. I've already mentioned that, but yeah....I dunno. I just wish I wouldn't let it get to me. I'm getting tired of being depressed.
oh, and peanut butter and jelly with maple syrup is good....but too messy. hehehe. yeah. very good. I love maple syrup.
oh, there was a bit of a row to-day, between me and my uncle. my uncle is 55 years old and mixes anti-depressants with alcohol; has been such a bad alcoholic at times that he's hit on my sister and my aunt (whom he once accidentally kissed on her lips;) and gotten into car accidents and his license revoked; had a nervous break-down some 20 or 30 years ago and has been collecting social security ever since and now tries to play the sympathy card; speaks only spanish and some broken english; grew up very dependent on my grandparents (both of which are now dead) and oppressed by my grandfather; he has his own house (grandparents old house) and comes over to my house to spend the night and he comes over during the day ( he says he's too depressed to be alone); believes everyone in California, Arizona and New Mexico and such ought speak Spanish and that those states should still be part of Mexico; took up smoking at my grandfather's insistence that he needed something to do with his hands after his break-down; is now dependent on my mother and an uncle (the uncle just likes to drink with him and belittle him); wears very dark sunglasses to 'cover his face' because of his social anxiety and which after over 2 decades of use are starting to make him lose his vision; refuses to listen to anyone except my mother and the uncle (the two of which don't get along) and belittles anyone's suggestions; always bugging someone at my house what's for dinner and where it is and if he/she can serve him or such;calls repetitively to ask how we are and what day it is (mind you, this is after he leaves the house and gets home; 30 minutes elapsed between the last time we saw him and got the call as to how we're doing and that he forgot this or that); insists that my mother buy large quantities of pastry and such because he likes it, even though everyone in the house knows that we can and should and need to do without it; an overall nuisance that can't take care of himself properly.
well, that old sack of shit asked me who was washing my brain. I said no one was and it didn't matter. he called me an idiot and wouldn't drop the subject. mind you, this row began with me upstairs talking privately to an aunt while he was downstairs 'sleeping' and decided he could yell upstairs and such. well, he wouldn't lay off, so I started yelling back and called him a worthless sack of shit -certainly not a nice or appropriate action. and then the fighting began and a third aunt was over and was defending me and then he started yelling at her and saying that she was worthless because her husband was black (my uncle lived with his black girlfriend in the 80s). he wouldn't lay off and said he had a right to be there, even though he doesn't live there or have any concern to be here. he pulls this sort of shit all the time when my parents arn't home, but hasn't tried such in a while. I eventually stopped yelling and so did he.
yeah, so that aside, and the waffling feelings caused by my work-out to-day has been a better day. I smell better days, busier days, ahead this week. I think that's the other thing: if I can stay busy and forget I have feelings, things'll be okay. cause if I remember I have feelings I want to sit and dissect them, which is a long-ass process. so, yeah. if I look at the calendar I have like, 3 things this week, 4 tests ( 3 on tuesday, oh-no!) I'm certain something else to be thrown at me. well, here's to hoping sunday can be long and productive.
I'm going to call it an early night and hopefully see the glorious sun rise on this new phase of michael. yeah, it'll be good to shave tomorrow; a week's worth of facial hair ain't pretty.