a beautiiful moment
I hope I'm not too intoxicated to capture the moment. In case one has neglected to notice a trend and an important observation about me, I am big on 'capturing the moment.' Life is so fleeting, and it is important to know that at about 10 minutes to 3 on Saturday October 14th I was drunk and listening to Bob Dylan. This, in my opinion, is as important as knowing any other factoid. Why, you may ask? Because factoids are highly subjective in nature. In other words, to get to the deeper meaning (via skipping several siginficant points) life is purely subjective and what 'the truth' is is entirely relative. That's right, even though relativism may contradict itself, it is a doctrine I will support until I am dead and buried. Oh, how I hope to be buried!
I sit here, fairly drunk. Yes, I can still feel my face, but I have had a fair amount of cigarettes; in my experience, nicotine can also do wonders to impair judgement. Since everyone left about 45 minutes ago I have chosen not to drink anymore, and that is a good thing. It is hard to type, and I want this entry to be as free of typos as possible.
Even though alcohol is bad, and somethign I should not engage in for moral and philosophical reasons, I have chosen to indulge. At the core of my humanity, I am a hedonist. I value pleasure like few other individuals. My indulgence in food, and excess, masturbation/sex and sleep are testaments to all of that. I do not know how to lead a balanced life. I do believe, however, that on this, the third month of my conversion to vegetarianism, I am closer to the truth. I am closer toward rectifying my personal hypocrisies, but still far from being perfect. However, no individual can obtain perfection (in my honest opinion).
I don't know why I wanted to write. Being drunk makes me aware of all the pent up love, and anger, and emotion, and sadness that brews within me. For instance, on Monday it will be Three Years. If you do not know me, if you are new to my livejournal, or just forgetful, I can explain later. But I don't want to. Three years used to seem like a lifetime; it still does, but the older I get, the more time's passage seems natural and fluid. Where was I a year ago? I don't know, and I don't care. Though I am a historian, and I am a genuinely nostalgic individual, I see the importance of focusing on the present, or on the future. So much has happened, and my infrequent updates rarely capture any of that. I want to change that.
So many ideas float through my minds, but my words fail me. I am 'fluent' in Spanish, but I'm told I'm 'not Mexian'; I'm learning Russian, but that progresses slowly and poorly. I want to change both of that. I wish I could be a better person. I love sleep so much, and honestly, I'm not that smart. Well, I'm pretty slow. But honestly, once I learn something,I can be pretty good. I'm just fucking slow. Honestly, in terms of speed, I'm normal/below-normal, but once I learn, I can excel. I just want to excel. I want to matter. I know I matter to my friends, and I know they matter to me, but I want my life to not be in vein. There are billions of people out there; think about the few names and personalities that stick with EVERYONE. I just want desperately to matter.
I think about these things, every day. With my job, and the course I'm taking on finding an internship in the non-profit sector, I am more future orientated then I have ever been. Honestly, this development is frightening. I don't know how to handle if. Presuming I wanted to enter graduate school in Fall 2008, now is the time to get really focused on that. However, I'm just discovering who I am. I know I want to study history for the rest of my life; I also know that I am interested in matters related to language. But, how do I combine all of this with a love of the Slavs and a desire to understand global trends? I do not know. I do know, however, that such lofty goals are what genuine, wonderful intellectuals strive for and somtimes accomplish, but I don't know how. I am an undergraduate, at a pretty decent university, with a shitty GPA (3.3)I don't know.
I realise more and more that while I generally do hate people, I also generally love them. I just want life to be enjoyable. I do not, however, wish for anything to be sugar-coated. The day to day grind, the perptual miseries, must be a feature of life that is not eliminated by romanticism. I don't know. I realise these past few sentences have been a digression, just like most of this entry and the majority of my entries. I don't care. I also know that most people on my friend's list don't read the whole damn entry. But, that's okay.
I just want to know that everyone is okay. Even if life is shitty, there has to be some sort of balance, some sort of peace. I hope we all find that, if only for 5 minutes. And yes, I am still in love with you, on this harvest moon....
I sit here, fairly drunk. Yes, I can still feel my face, but I have had a fair amount of cigarettes; in my experience, nicotine can also do wonders to impair judgement. Since everyone left about 45 minutes ago I have chosen not to drink anymore, and that is a good thing. It is hard to type, and I want this entry to be as free of typos as possible.
Even though alcohol is bad, and somethign I should not engage in for moral and philosophical reasons, I have chosen to indulge. At the core of my humanity, I am a hedonist. I value pleasure like few other individuals. My indulgence in food, and excess, masturbation/sex and sleep are testaments to all of that. I do not know how to lead a balanced life. I do believe, however, that on this, the third month of my conversion to vegetarianism, I am closer to the truth. I am closer toward rectifying my personal hypocrisies, but still far from being perfect. However, no individual can obtain perfection (in my honest opinion).
I don't know why I wanted to write. Being drunk makes me aware of all the pent up love, and anger, and emotion, and sadness that brews within me. For instance, on Monday it will be Three Years. If you do not know me, if you are new to my livejournal, or just forgetful, I can explain later. But I don't want to. Three years used to seem like a lifetime; it still does, but the older I get, the more time's passage seems natural and fluid. Where was I a year ago? I don't know, and I don't care. Though I am a historian, and I am a genuinely nostalgic individual, I see the importance of focusing on the present, or on the future. So much has happened, and my infrequent updates rarely capture any of that. I want to change that.
So many ideas float through my minds, but my words fail me. I am 'fluent' in Spanish, but I'm told I'm 'not Mexian'; I'm learning Russian, but that progresses slowly and poorly. I want to change both of that. I wish I could be a better person. I love sleep so much, and honestly, I'm not that smart. Well, I'm pretty slow. But honestly, once I learn something,I can be pretty good. I'm just fucking slow. Honestly, in terms of speed, I'm normal/below-normal, but once I learn, I can excel. I just want to excel. I want to matter. I know I matter to my friends, and I know they matter to me, but I want my life to not be in vein. There are billions of people out there; think about the few names and personalities that stick with EVERYONE. I just want desperately to matter.
I think about these things, every day. With my job, and the course I'm taking on finding an internship in the non-profit sector, I am more future orientated then I have ever been. Honestly, this development is frightening. I don't know how to handle if. Presuming I wanted to enter graduate school in Fall 2008, now is the time to get really focused on that. However, I'm just discovering who I am. I know I want to study history for the rest of my life; I also know that I am interested in matters related to language. But, how do I combine all of this with a love of the Slavs and a desire to understand global trends? I do not know. I do know, however, that such lofty goals are what genuine, wonderful intellectuals strive for and somtimes accomplish, but I don't know how. I am an undergraduate, at a pretty decent university, with a shitty GPA (3.3)I don't know.
I realise more and more that while I generally do hate people, I also generally love them. I just want life to be enjoyable. I do not, however, wish for anything to be sugar-coated. The day to day grind, the perptual miseries, must be a feature of life that is not eliminated by romanticism. I don't know. I realise these past few sentences have been a digression, just like most of this entry and the majority of my entries. I don't care. I also know that most people on my friend's list don't read the whole damn entry. But, that's okay.
I just want to know that everyone is okay. Even if life is shitty, there has to be some sort of balance, some sort of peace. I hope we all find that, if only for 5 minutes. And yes, I am still in love with you, on this harvest moon....