just stuff
So I had this dream a couple of weeks ago... I can't even really remember what happened. No doubt it was kind of a school dream, with a certain someone in it who I was talking to, and I can't remember if there was something I said in the dream that woke me up to something or what. But basically I woke up and immediately thought - what was I doing in year 12? what was with all this "yeah, not going to uni" business? I dont know how much of it was me just wanting to drop everything at once - i don't fully remember what was going on in my head. But anyway, I woke up and thought, I should have gone to uni and done this and then maybe I would have been with a certain someone.
Whereas these days if I went to uni it would again be the whole trouble of meeting new people. And it's not like you can just go there and do something and not communicate - that would be even worse, perhaps, for the self-esteem and etc. than meeting people and falling out with them. But that is the perpetual worry and probably a main thing which stopped me from even thinking where I wanted to go with study after school - which is ironic cuz i then went to college and had the same stupid thing happen with the people there. Sometimes I still worry about whether it's me, if I'm just unbearable to be around after a while, or i become moody, or something - or if any of these things that makes it hard for people to approach me? I dont know. it's hard to explain... but anyway. Coulda, shoulda, woulda... all the old usual stuff.
Just wanted to share that horrible moment.
My grandma passed away about two weeks ago. I'm mostly upset because mum and dad are currently in France, so mum wasn't here when she was in hospital and couldn't have come back, really. I'm hoping that mum is okay. We'll be seeing them next week when they get back. The funeral was on Tuesday and it was nice. Good to see the cousins, despite circumstances. I don't really want to comment further on that... Also as usual when you lose someone, the smallest things remind you of them. The pigeons are really bothering me at the moment - they make me think of being at grandma's house, which is a bit silly because pigeons are everywhere in suburbia...
I think I may be bottling at the moment, I just haven't been able to let stuff out or talk about it or anything. I was really cranky for a week with Mitch and I think I realise that he was holding back a bit from being cranky right back at me... but then I only really said "i'm all right" a couple of times - so maybe there was more conversation that should have been had. Or conversation in the first place...
I'm a bit worried about RSI at the moment (doesn't stop me writing a journal, the time is right)... not sure if I'm being paranoid or whether it's sleeping in a funny position or if it really is too much typing. But i have already had a few days off in the last few weeks, so i'm going to try and keep up with the days I have made myself available for and see what happens. But if things get much worse, I might just have to take a break before the break time is available (I think things will be quiet over the Christmas period.. although then again they might offer me police work, eek, which I find more difficult than the court typing). Anyway, I'm holding out to then... and we're waiting to see if Mitch has any time off between ending his rotation in ICU and starting his new permanent job at EDU, so maybe I'll arrange to take the last week of November off work anyway just to make sure. He hasn't even had an interview yet, but has been told he will start 1 December, so maybe he will get the last week of Nov off... hoping so.
Blathering blathering.
I discovered a new art community today, which seems fresher and less convoluted than Deviantart. So now I am inspired to do some things, gather some materials, find some stuff to draw. I really want to start doing the personalising thing again with gifts and such, so maybe this is the motivation, because potentially I could get some prints or cards or t-shirts made.. yay. It's Redbubble, it sounds cool, and you don't have to pay to be a member to get prints as on DA. I will see how it pans...
Also did my first editing course assignment a while back... I just need to send it in and get onto the second one. Get onto it wommins!
I am a bit lonely this weekend. Mitch is working and I actually had to work yesterday morning when he was home! He's working next weekend too, though I forget what shifts. I can't imagine what my weekend would have been like if I hadn't had some work yesterday - I think I would have gone a bit more crazy than I have and maybe watched even more episodes of Scrubs than I have (hmm, Mitch had it out and I couldn't be bothered to find something else that I felt like watching, so I've committed myself now).
Baaaah... I have to start cooking myself some dinner. See you laters....
Whereas these days if I went to uni it would again be the whole trouble of meeting new people. And it's not like you can just go there and do something and not communicate - that would be even worse, perhaps, for the self-esteem and etc. than meeting people and falling out with them. But that is the perpetual worry and probably a main thing which stopped me from even thinking where I wanted to go with study after school - which is ironic cuz i then went to college and had the same stupid thing happen with the people there. Sometimes I still worry about whether it's me, if I'm just unbearable to be around after a while, or i become moody, or something - or if any of these things that makes it hard for people to approach me? I dont know. it's hard to explain... but anyway. Coulda, shoulda, woulda... all the old usual stuff.
Just wanted to share that horrible moment.
My grandma passed away about two weeks ago. I'm mostly upset because mum and dad are currently in France, so mum wasn't here when she was in hospital and couldn't have come back, really. I'm hoping that mum is okay. We'll be seeing them next week when they get back. The funeral was on Tuesday and it was nice. Good to see the cousins, despite circumstances. I don't really want to comment further on that... Also as usual when you lose someone, the smallest things remind you of them. The pigeons are really bothering me at the moment - they make me think of being at grandma's house, which is a bit silly because pigeons are everywhere in suburbia...
I think I may be bottling at the moment, I just haven't been able to let stuff out or talk about it or anything. I was really cranky for a week with Mitch and I think I realise that he was holding back a bit from being cranky right back at me... but then I only really said "i'm all right" a couple of times - so maybe there was more conversation that should have been had. Or conversation in the first place...
I'm a bit worried about RSI at the moment (doesn't stop me writing a journal, the time is right)... not sure if I'm being paranoid or whether it's sleeping in a funny position or if it really is too much typing. But i have already had a few days off in the last few weeks, so i'm going to try and keep up with the days I have made myself available for and see what happens. But if things get much worse, I might just have to take a break before the break time is available (I think things will be quiet over the Christmas period.. although then again they might offer me police work, eek, which I find more difficult than the court typing). Anyway, I'm holding out to then... and we're waiting to see if Mitch has any time off between ending his rotation in ICU and starting his new permanent job at EDU, so maybe I'll arrange to take the last week of November off work anyway just to make sure. He hasn't even had an interview yet, but has been told he will start 1 December, so maybe he will get the last week of Nov off... hoping so.
Blathering blathering.
I discovered a new art community today, which seems fresher and less convoluted than Deviantart. So now I am inspired to do some things, gather some materials, find some stuff to draw. I really want to start doing the personalising thing again with gifts and such, so maybe this is the motivation, because potentially I could get some prints or cards or t-shirts made.. yay. It's Redbubble, it sounds cool, and you don't have to pay to be a member to get prints as on DA. I will see how it pans...
Also did my first editing course assignment a while back... I just need to send it in and get onto the second one. Get onto it wommins!
I am a bit lonely this weekend. Mitch is working and I actually had to work yesterday morning when he was home! He's working next weekend too, though I forget what shifts. I can't imagine what my weekend would have been like if I hadn't had some work yesterday - I think I would have gone a bit more crazy than I have and maybe watched even more episodes of Scrubs than I have (hmm, Mitch had it out and I couldn't be bothered to find something else that I felt like watching, so I've committed myself now).
Baaaah... I have to start cooking myself some dinner. See you laters....