Life Is But Xtreme
So March came and went,
and you wondered where it was...
well, wonder no more!
The day has finally come...
It's the 2007 Tuesday Morning Awards!
With your host, Simon FitzKit...In the Field!
Presented by Nikon (makers of fine cameras that I own everywhere), and sponsored by
Photobucket.com!
Photobucket.com Where millions manage their media. Upload all your photos, videos, and images to Photobucket for free. Make slideshows and remixes. Link your media to your social network profile, auction sites, web sites and blogs. Share by email, IM, or mobile phone. Give it a try!
Are you in for the long haul? Then let's kick it up a notch!
Welcome, everyone, to the 2007 Tuesday Morning Awards! I'm your host, Simon FitzKit...In the Field!, and I'd like to personally thank my local Pontiac dealership, without whose slow service and half-mile proximity to a Tuesday Morning (i.e. 'walking distance') this year's Timmys would never have gotten off the ground.
Of course, we can't have the Tuesday Morning Awards without Tuesday Morning, so let's give it a big round of applause. Tuesday Morning, everyone: the knick-knack caddy shack that won't leave you alone. Without it, housewives would only be able to brag about getting stuff 80% off during holidays and Fire Sales.
Now, an important note: This Year might be the last Tuesday Morning Awards ever.
Unfortunately, in the course of standing in the store, taking pictures of the merchandise, I was approached by the floor manager and the security chief, who informed me that photography was "not okay in the store," and that "Management really frowns on that." Then I was escorted out of the store.
So while we're at it, a quick round of applause in the direction of the people actually working at Tuesday Morning, without whom, we couldn't ring up our purchases, but also without whom, I'd be able to make fun of the purchases of others. Anyway, with that doom and gloom out in the open, let's Let's kick these awards off right by re-revealing the statuette all the winners receive: the Tuesday Morning Icon!
The Timmy: the most coveted of all the independently made-up awards-show trophies.
Now, let's get on to our first Timmy of the morning:
Most Disturbing Doll
The Most Disturbing Doll Award goes to the female version of the action figure that is lewd, crude, lascivious, dirty, or just Out There to the point that you really don't want to contemplate the type of little girl who'd actually want to play with it.
This year's winner of Most Disturbing Doll is a girl in a duck suit.
But not a normal one, with a bill to go over her nose.
No, this is one of those "I'm-dressed-up-as-an-animal-in-that-
this-creature-is-eating-me-feet-first-and-you're-seeing-my-
last-expression-before-my-head-disappears-down-its-gullet" costumes.
My question is, why go out of your way to make its --her-- face so simplistic? It's like the makers were trying to make an optical illusion doll.
"Oh, I know! What about a doll whose head makes just as much sense upside-down as right-side-up!"
(Shudder. Why did I willingly make that thing more disturbing than it already was?)
"It's like Papa Oompa Loompa or something! Hey, while we're at it, let's give it --her-- a jumper so tight, it gives it --her-- camel toe! That's realism, that is! Kids love realism!"
So with pedophilic manufacturers hopefully behind bars, we move on to another manufacturer's wet dream:
Worst Niche Market
This award celebrates those products that don't just play to the lowest common denominator, but go one step further and advertise to the metaphoric prime numbers, those dead-end demographics that no one should ever be concerned with, but that somebody somewhere apparently is.
The winner of this year's Worst Niche Market is miniExecutive Desktop Games.
Let's cut right to the chase. Though the niche market of executives who want desktop games is decent, the niche market of executives who want to play Shoddy Solitaire Soccer is minuscule...but that's not enough to win the award. No, that honor is from the Age Range in the corner. This desktop game is for Executives ages 6 and up.
Child Labor Laws would like to thank all the little people who made this possible.
Now it's on to a fan-favorite category:
The Why's It Plush? Award
The Why's It Plush? Award goes to the product that is the cuddliest and most huggable...with the least reason. Examples include plush electrical sockets, plush receipts and plush Listerine. Anything that has no right being squeezably soft.
But that's not the furthest limit of The Why's It Plush Award, as shown by this year's winner:
Awww, a cutesy widdle bwue beaw. But wait!
That makes sense being plush, Kit!
It's easily hugged, right?
Wrong.
When gathered together, this blanket could pass as a bear in a long dress, I suppose, but in my mind, it would just resemble Ursula from The Little Mermaid.
And when laid out on the ground or on a bed, it evokes either
1) a bearskin rug crafted by an inept taxidermist
or, more likely,
2) a bear in blue quicksand
And that's not something I want to explain to a child.
"Well, no, Jason. Your teddy bear isn't dying. He's just sinking inexorably into your bed. Now lights out, and sweet dreams."
Yes, my two-year-old son would know the word 'inexorably.' This is, after all, me we're talking about.
Also, you can't hug a bear whose head's about at your waistline. Or, anyway, you uh... (...Aaaawkward.)
So far, we've stuck with the classic awards (i.e. ones that were handed out at last year's Timmys), but we've finally arrived at one of our new categories:
The We Are The World Award
The We Are The World Award, aside from being a mild-to-medium tongue-twister, is reserved for those products that best force-feed consumers the concepts of unity and togetherness, advocating common ground above --well-- common sense.
This award would therefore normally go to some tchotchke from UNITAS, but this year, it instead goes to a set of toys that really tries its damnedest to make the world a smaller place... Farm & Jungle Animals.
Though you can't really see them from this angle (and I was ejected from the store before I could get a better shot), the other side of this glass-bottom lunch box is taken up with tigers and a crocodile.
The company just couldn't think of 6 animals that come from a jungle and 6 other ones that come from a farm. Here's a hint, guys:
COW / PIG / GOAT / FARM DOG / HORSE / SHEEP
TIGER / CROCODILE / MONKEY / TAPIR / GORILLA / PANTHER
Perhaps the company's thought was: If the kid's going to play with these jungle predators, they'll probably want them to eat something, and we don't want them shoving real food into the toys to rot or mold. Let's just give them some plastic beef and pork to feed these carnivorous figures!
Of course, the company's name itself doesn't inspire confidence. Battat? Makes me think...
Also, Battat? Why precisely did you feel it necessary to go the anatomically-correct route on the cow udders and sow teats? If I turn the box over, am I going to see crocodile wang and tiger balls? We are the world, sure, but we are the children too, you know.
Speaking of children of the world, Jesus loves all the little them. And with that awkward religious segue, it's time to present the award for
Most Awkward Religious Reference
This award is meant to highlight those fundamentally flawed fundamental-Christian attempts to bring God into places where he probably has no place being (e.g. on the side of radio-controlled cars).
And now, the winner of this year's Most Awkward Religious Reference:
It's a new take on the "sugar & spice & everything nice" theory, and not a great replacement at that. Let's take this one apart:
1) That is obviously not a little girl; I've seen more girlish faces in Cathy strips. That is a middle-aged woman who's joined the downtown ballet school to regain a bit of her childhood using dozens of expensive lessons and one 80%-off pillow with a handle.
2) Little boys are therefore not made by God? Or perhaps they are, since I think that ballet model may in fact be the Burl Ives snowman from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer in make-up and a tutu.
3) No He didn't make little girls. You've got Adam (adult male) and Eve (adult female). Their children were all male, and then those were all the people God actually made. After getting kicked out of the Garden, one assumes father and three sons all got busy with Eve, or else they found 99%-human primates elsewhere who could carry their sperm to term.
...Aaaawkward... Religious. Reference.
And now, another new category, one that sort of covers many winners both this year and last, but one for which I'm making a necessary distinction:
The Counterintuitive Award
The first Timmy to include a 16-letter word, The Counterintuitive Award goes to the item that most fully goes against convention, throwing sand in the face of the muscle man who then decides to bulk down using an ad he found in his comic book. Or something.
The runner-up for The Counterintuitive Award is...
...Fly Wheels.
Rip cord + circular projectile = classic high-flying fun for the whole family, sure. But why a wheel? A motorcycle wheel too, according to the grip/handle and the label at the bottom.
When I think of rip-cord flyers, my first thought is of helicopters, whirligigs, and maybe those Faerie Flyers toys that came out in the 90s...
When I think of flying motorcycle wheels, my first thought is of a horrible accident on the highway, a lone tire blown free of the explosion, bouncing twice on the asphalt before rolling into the overturned cement mixer two lanes over... and maybe still of Faerie Flyers, but then I'm weird.
So, a bit backwards. However, there was one item that outcounterintuited Fly Wheels, and it's the winner of this year's Counterintuitive Award...
...Monster Golf. Golf, okay. Miniature golf, okay. But oversized golf? What are you supposed to shout "Eleven" on the maxiway? How long does it take to get through 80 holes? And what the hell do you need that TNT plunger for?
And why's the model wearing a serape?
Counterfuckingintuitive.
Next up, it's another new category:
Worst Simulated Sound Effects
We've all heard horrible sound effects; I remember opening one of the earliest non-Hallmark talking greeting cards at Easter. Now, at last, these purveyors of cacophony and nonsense can get the recognition they deserve in the form of the Timmy for Worst Simulated Sound Effects. And the runner-up is...
...Star*Party Tambourin.
And shhh...we'll go ahead and give them that it's spelled "tambourin."
This products very realistically simulates the noise a tambourin makes. Whyyyy?? Because some mother out there is tired of having her kids shake their instruments at all hours, leaving her no recourse. Now though, she can just turn the tambourins off.
You have to wonder about the future though, when VH1 hosts "Electronic Tambourin" Backup Singers Unplugged, and they have to make do with acoustic tambourins.
Or what about when Rock Band 2 comes out?
SONG: "Gypsies, Tramps And Thieves"
In The Style Of Cher
Player 1: Microphone
Player 2: Lead Guitar
Player 3: Bass Guitar
Player 4: Drums
Player 5: Electronic Tambourin
Player 6: Electronic Triangle
Player 7: Electronic Getting-The-Band-Water
...although you probably would want to be extra careful with your water around the Electronic Tambourin.
What could be a worse sound effect to simulate than the ching-ching of a tambouring? Why, the winner of the 2007 Timmy for Worst Simulated Sound Effects...
See'nSay Junior: Elmo!
Bugle. Check.
Cell phone. Check. (What kid would even know what a landline phone looked like, right?)
Bubbles. ...Um...check... although it's odd we're not going for the standards, like cows, pigs, tigers and crocodiles. Or, hey, Sesame Street characters? See the connection? Maybe? ...Whatever. Check.
Crayons. Okay, now you're just being stupid. I mean, hey, you've put faces on all four inanimate objects, why not have them say, like, "I'm a wind instrument commonly used in the military," or "We only have an average life expectancy of about 5-10 seconds, less if you don't blow us right."
But no, the bugle toots, the cell phone rings, the bubbles pop, and the crayons? The crayons make the noise of a squeaky cart wheel. You know, that ee-er ee-er ee-er that people make when trying to show they're wheeling in a tea tray or something?
Sheesh, the spinning arrow of a regular See'nSay better simulates the szhh-szhh-szhh that crayons make when you use them!
And speaking of Seeing and Saying, we now move to a lexicographer's favorite category:
Most Blaring Misuse of a Word
Malapropisms abound in the world of advertising, but only those found to be particularly outstanding will wind up winning The Most Blaring Misuse of Award...I mean...The Most Blaring Misuse of a Word Award. Second Runner-Up:
"Adorable" Humidifier
I'm going to go out on a limb and state that it is physically impossible to be "Adorable" while simultaneously being some kind of yellow racoon-mole hybrid shaped like a popcorn popper.
And speaking of food, First Runner-Up:
Gizmo "Plus"
The word "Plus" indicates addition, as in, "The old Gizmo grated cheese, but new Gizmo Plus grates cheese PLUS dries your hair." However, this Gizmo Plus does something completely different than the original, as in, "The old Sports Jacket covered your chest and arms, but new Sports Jacket Plus covers your feet instead (Sports Jacket not included)."
And speaking of sports, the winner of The Most Blaring Misuse of a Word Award is...
"Xtreme" Sports Spectator Kit.
Watching. Is not. "Xtreme." If we as concerned consumers let this stand (and just, you know, stand), then we will be directly responsible for the N-evitable X-treme follow-up products:
XTREME SPORTS STADIUM CONCESSIONS STAND PLAYSET!
XTREME SPORTS GETTING UP FOR A REFILL ON PRETZELS!
XTREME SPORTS SURFING THE INTERNET FOR SCORE UPDATES!
XTREME SPORTS XECUTIVE DESKTOP GAMES! (ages 6 and up)
Xtremely disappointing, guys.
And now we dive headfirst into the unknown to find the winner of
The I Have No Idea Either Award
The I Have No Idea Either Award category is designed to recognize the item that really, really suffered when they lost its Instruction Manual, the product that beguiles, bewilders and just plain boggles the mind. The Clearance shelf at Tuesday Morning (yes, even 80%-off stores have Clearance shelves) is chock-full of such anti-treasures, but there can only be one winner, and that winner is this:
THEORIES:
*A Shiatsu back-massager on a wall-mount
*An all-wooden orrery
*A spinning coat-hanger built for six
*A sparring dummy for the art of thumb-fu
*XTREME SPORTS PARAKEET PERCH
*Safety-First Sea Urchin Model
*Executive Desktop Nitrogen
Really, your guess is as good as mine.
However, not all curiosities can be that difficult to figure out. In fact, some are downright obvious. With that in mind, we present
Easiest Mystery
The winner of the Timmy for Easiest Mystery goes to the book that presents the simplest riddle, the least taxing brainteaser, or in the case of this year's winner, literally the easiest mystery.
Peter Plum: Maybe they're in Old Man PedophilicManufacturer's house.
Olivia Orange(?): Maybe they're on your face, Purpleboy.
Actually, yeah, my mystery question is harder: Which character is the Asian girl supposed to be? Clue's cast is pretty standard:
MALE: Boddy, Plum, Mustard, Green
FEMALE: Scarlet, White, Peacock
So either that girl's somehow mixed up scarlet and orange...
Wait. Purple and orange, missing glasses... I bet, just off-panel, there's a guy in an ascot, a stoner in green, and a dog with an affinity for Snacks named after himself. Oh, and Red Herring.
We're coming to the end of the show, and, having covered all the specifics, it's time for the award everybody's clamoring for:
All-Around Failure
The equivalent of Best Picture, The All-Around Failure Award relies on the product's inability, period. These products are just so sad, no other category is big enough to contain their shame. Even 'counterintuitive' isn't a big enough word to hold the winner this year, as the All-Around Failure Award goes to:
A Cheap-As-Free Lego-Ripoff.
Just...horrific. Look at those faces; they're what would happen if 50-year-old prudish women went Trick-or-Treating as Depeche Mode. It's like some toy designer at Cobi, Inc. saw that all Legos have smiles and got really frustrated that he could never have them show stark disapproval of one another's life choices.
Also, the set is called "Tipp-Kick" but 1) the only soccer ball it comes with is the one drawn on the box, and 2) I think this is supposed to be the Soccer(?) Player Gets Hounded By Paparazzi set. Oh, I apologize:
XTREME SPORTS STAR DAVID BECKHAM GETS MILDLY ANNOYED BY A CAMERAMAN WHILE THEY BOTH WALK LIKE ZOMBIES IN FROM OF WHAT APPEARS TO BE THE SKELETAL REMAINS OF THE F-TROOP FACADE!
The Press guy's shirt has the man's news agency's logo on it, and I can only assume that it's trying to get across the concept of 24-hour news. One half is a red sun, and the other half is, I guess, a midnight sun? Perhaps a Black Hole Sun? Coming to wash away the pain? If so, it's probably the pain of carrying that shoulder-mounted cannon that he's so cleverly tried to pass off as a video camera that just happens to be as tall as he is.
And really, you don't get much more failure-tastic than having all that wrong with a product and then slapping a sticker on top of the word 'fun' so it instead just says, "FU." I tell you, icing on the cake.
And there you have it, folks: The 2007 Timmys. Presented by Nikon, sponsored by Photobucket...and this year, hampered by Internal Security.
Internal Security: Making sure nobody cases the joint since 1983.
But before we go, there's one more award to give out, and that's for
Creepiest Purchase
The Creepiest Purchase Award goes to the item that stands out among its peers as, by far, the most likely conversation piece destined to wind up as a central prop in a Stephen King novel, probably coming to life or being splashed with blood in the process.
And the winner is:
Overalls: Play with us.
(Shudder) They're for putting plants in. Now why you'd want haunted overalls lining your walkway and holding your osh kosh b'gonias, is beyond me. I guess this is for the J.K.Rowling fans who really want Potter Children of their own.
And on that note, thanks, everyone, for tuning in to the Tuesday Morning Awards.
This is your host, Simon FitzKit...In the Field!, reminding you to --please-- spay and neuter your Drew Careys.
Good night.
.
and you wondered where it was...
well, wonder no more!
The day has finally come...
It's the 2007 Tuesday Morning Awards!
With your host, Simon FitzKit...In the Field!
Presented by Nikon (makers of fine cameras that I own everywhere), and sponsored by
Photobucket.com!
Photobucket.com Where millions manage their media. Upload all your photos, videos, and images to Photobucket for free. Make slideshows and remixes. Link your media to your social network profile, auction sites, web sites and blogs. Share by email, IM, or mobile phone. Give it a try!
Are you in for the long haul? Then let's kick it up a notch!
Welcome, everyone, to the 2007 Tuesday Morning Awards! I'm your host, Simon FitzKit...In the Field!, and I'd like to personally thank my local Pontiac dealership, without whose slow service and half-mile proximity to a Tuesday Morning (i.e. 'walking distance') this year's Timmys would never have gotten off the ground.
Of course, we can't have the Tuesday Morning Awards without Tuesday Morning, so let's give it a big round of applause. Tuesday Morning, everyone: the knick-knack caddy shack that won't leave you alone. Without it, housewives would only be able to brag about getting stuff 80% off during holidays and Fire Sales.
Now, an important note: This Year might be the last Tuesday Morning Awards ever.
Unfortunately, in the course of standing in the store, taking pictures of the merchandise, I was approached by the floor manager and the security chief, who informed me that photography was "not okay in the store," and that "Management really frowns on that." Then I was escorted out of the store.
So while we're at it, a quick round of applause in the direction of the people actually working at Tuesday Morning, without whom, we couldn't ring up our purchases, but also without whom, I'd be able to make fun of the purchases of others. Anyway, with that doom and gloom out in the open, let's Let's kick these awards off right by re-revealing the statuette all the winners receive: the Tuesday Morning Icon!
The Timmy: the most coveted of all the independently made-up awards-show trophies.
Now, let's get on to our first Timmy of the morning:
Most Disturbing Doll
The Most Disturbing Doll Award goes to the female version of the action figure that is lewd, crude, lascivious, dirty, or just Out There to the point that you really don't want to contemplate the type of little girl who'd actually want to play with it.
This year's winner of Most Disturbing Doll is a girl in a duck suit.
But not a normal one, with a bill to go over her nose.
No, this is one of those "I'm-dressed-up-as-an-animal-in-that-
this-creature-is-eating-me-feet-first-and-you're-seeing-my-
last-expression-before-my-head-disappears-down-its-gullet" costumes.
My question is, why go out of your way to make its --her-- face so simplistic? It's like the makers were trying to make an optical illusion doll.
"Oh, I know! What about a doll whose head makes just as much sense upside-down as right-side-up!"
(Shudder. Why did I willingly make that thing more disturbing than it already was?)
"It's like Papa Oompa Loompa or something! Hey, while we're at it, let's give it --her-- a jumper so tight, it gives it --her-- camel toe! That's realism, that is! Kids love realism!"
So with pedophilic manufacturers hopefully behind bars, we move on to another manufacturer's wet dream:
Worst Niche Market
This award celebrates those products that don't just play to the lowest common denominator, but go one step further and advertise to the metaphoric prime numbers, those dead-end demographics that no one should ever be concerned with, but that somebody somewhere apparently is.
The winner of this year's Worst Niche Market is miniExecutive Desktop Games.
Let's cut right to the chase. Though the niche market of executives who want desktop games is decent, the niche market of executives who want to play Shoddy Solitaire Soccer is minuscule...but that's not enough to win the award. No, that honor is from the Age Range in the corner. This desktop game is for Executives ages 6 and up.
Child Labor Laws would like to thank all the little people who made this possible.
Now it's on to a fan-favorite category:
The Why's It Plush? Award
The Why's It Plush? Award goes to the product that is the cuddliest and most huggable...with the least reason. Examples include plush electrical sockets, plush receipts and plush Listerine. Anything that has no right being squeezably soft.
But that's not the furthest limit of The Why's It Plush Award, as shown by this year's winner:
Awww, a cutesy widdle bwue beaw. But wait!
That makes sense being plush, Kit!
It's easily hugged, right?
Wrong.
When gathered together, this blanket could pass as a bear in a long dress, I suppose, but in my mind, it would just resemble Ursula from The Little Mermaid.
And when laid out on the ground or on a bed, it evokes either
1) a bearskin rug crafted by an inept taxidermist
or, more likely,
2) a bear in blue quicksand
And that's not something I want to explain to a child.
"Well, no, Jason. Your teddy bear isn't dying. He's just sinking inexorably into your bed. Now lights out, and sweet dreams."
Yes, my two-year-old son would know the word 'inexorably.' This is, after all, me we're talking about.
Also, you can't hug a bear whose head's about at your waistline. Or, anyway, you uh... (...Aaaawkward.)
So far, we've stuck with the classic awards (i.e. ones that were handed out at last year's Timmys), but we've finally arrived at one of our new categories:
The We Are The World Award
The We Are The World Award, aside from being a mild-to-medium tongue-twister, is reserved for those products that best force-feed consumers the concepts of unity and togetherness, advocating common ground above --well-- common sense.
This award would therefore normally go to some tchotchke from UNITAS, but this year, it instead goes to a set of toys that really tries its damnedest to make the world a smaller place... Farm & Jungle Animals.
Though you can't really see them from this angle (and I was ejected from the store before I could get a better shot), the other side of this glass-bottom lunch box is taken up with tigers and a crocodile.
The company just couldn't think of 6 animals that come from a jungle and 6 other ones that come from a farm. Here's a hint, guys:
COW / PIG / GOAT / FARM DOG / HORSE / SHEEP
TIGER / CROCODILE / MONKEY / TAPIR / GORILLA / PANTHER
Perhaps the company's thought was: If the kid's going to play with these jungle predators, they'll probably want them to eat something, and we don't want them shoving real food into the toys to rot or mold. Let's just give them some plastic beef and pork to feed these carnivorous figures!
Of course, the company's name itself doesn't inspire confidence. Battat? Makes me think...
Also, Battat? Why precisely did you feel it necessary to go the anatomically-correct route on the cow udders and sow teats? If I turn the box over, am I going to see crocodile wang and tiger balls? We are the world, sure, but we are the children too, you know.
Speaking of children of the world, Jesus loves all the little them. And with that awkward religious segue, it's time to present the award for
Most Awkward Religious Reference
This award is meant to highlight those fundamentally flawed fundamental-Christian attempts to bring God into places where he probably has no place being (e.g. on the side of radio-controlled cars).
And now, the winner of this year's Most Awkward Religious Reference:
It's a new take on the "sugar & spice & everything nice" theory, and not a great replacement at that. Let's take this one apart:
1) That is obviously not a little girl; I've seen more girlish faces in Cathy strips. That is a middle-aged woman who's joined the downtown ballet school to regain a bit of her childhood using dozens of expensive lessons and one 80%-off pillow with a handle.
2) Little boys are therefore not made by God? Or perhaps they are, since I think that ballet model may in fact be the Burl Ives snowman from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer in make-up and a tutu.
3) No He didn't make little girls. You've got Adam (adult male) and Eve (adult female). Their children were all male, and then those were all the people God actually made. After getting kicked out of the Garden, one assumes father and three sons all got busy with Eve, or else they found 99%-human primates elsewhere who could carry their sperm to term.
...Aaaawkward... Religious. Reference.
And now, another new category, one that sort of covers many winners both this year and last, but one for which I'm making a necessary distinction:
The Counterintuitive Award
The first Timmy to include a 16-letter word, The Counterintuitive Award goes to the item that most fully goes against convention, throwing sand in the face of the muscle man who then decides to bulk down using an ad he found in his comic book. Or something.
The runner-up for The Counterintuitive Award is...
...Fly Wheels.
Rip cord + circular projectile = classic high-flying fun for the whole family, sure. But why a wheel? A motorcycle wheel too, according to the grip/handle and the label at the bottom.
When I think of rip-cord flyers, my first thought is of helicopters, whirligigs, and maybe those Faerie Flyers toys that came out in the 90s...
When I think of flying motorcycle wheels, my first thought is of a horrible accident on the highway, a lone tire blown free of the explosion, bouncing twice on the asphalt before rolling into the overturned cement mixer two lanes over... and maybe still of Faerie Flyers, but then I'm weird.
So, a bit backwards. However, there was one item that outcounterintuited Fly Wheels, and it's the winner of this year's Counterintuitive Award...
...Monster Golf. Golf, okay. Miniature golf, okay. But oversized golf? What are you supposed to shout "Eleven" on the maxiway? How long does it take to get through 80 holes? And what the hell do you need that TNT plunger for?
And why's the model wearing a serape?
Counterfuckingintuitive.
Next up, it's another new category:
Worst Simulated Sound Effects
We've all heard horrible sound effects; I remember opening one of the earliest non-Hallmark talking greeting cards at Easter. Now, at last, these purveyors of cacophony and nonsense can get the recognition they deserve in the form of the Timmy for Worst Simulated Sound Effects. And the runner-up is...
...Star*Party Tambourin.
And shhh...we'll go ahead and give them that it's spelled "tambourin."
This products very realistically simulates the noise a tambourin makes. Whyyyy?? Because some mother out there is tired of having her kids shake their instruments at all hours, leaving her no recourse. Now though, she can just turn the tambourins off.
You have to wonder about the future though, when VH1 hosts "Electronic Tambourin" Backup Singers Unplugged, and they have to make do with acoustic tambourins.
Or what about when Rock Band 2 comes out?
SONG: "Gypsies, Tramps And Thieves"
In The Style Of Cher
Player 1: Microphone
Player 2: Lead Guitar
Player 3: Bass Guitar
Player 4: Drums
Player 5: Electronic Tambourin
Player 6: Electronic Triangle
Player 7: Electronic Getting-The-Band-Water
...although you probably would want to be extra careful with your water around the Electronic Tambourin.
What could be a worse sound effect to simulate than the ching-ching of a tambouring? Why, the winner of the 2007 Timmy for Worst Simulated Sound Effects...
See'nSay Junior: Elmo!
Bugle. Check.
Cell phone. Check. (What kid would even know what a landline phone looked like, right?)
Bubbles. ...Um...check... although it's odd we're not going for the standards, like cows, pigs, tigers and crocodiles. Or, hey, Sesame Street characters? See the connection? Maybe? ...Whatever. Check.
Crayons. Okay, now you're just being stupid. I mean, hey, you've put faces on all four inanimate objects, why not have them say, like, "I'm a wind instrument commonly used in the military," or "We only have an average life expectancy of about 5-10 seconds, less if you don't blow us right."
But no, the bugle toots, the cell phone rings, the bubbles pop, and the crayons? The crayons make the noise of a squeaky cart wheel. You know, that ee-er ee-er ee-er that people make when trying to show they're wheeling in a tea tray or something?
Sheesh, the spinning arrow of a regular See'nSay better simulates the szhh-szhh-szhh that crayons make when you use them!
And speaking of Seeing and Saying, we now move to a lexicographer's favorite category:
Most Blaring Misuse of a Word
Malapropisms abound in the world of advertising, but only those found to be particularly outstanding will wind up winning The Most Blaring Misuse of Award...I mean...The Most Blaring Misuse of a Word Award. Second Runner-Up:
"Adorable" Humidifier
I'm going to go out on a limb and state that it is physically impossible to be "Adorable" while simultaneously being some kind of yellow racoon-mole hybrid shaped like a popcorn popper.
And speaking of food, First Runner-Up:
Gizmo "Plus"
The word "Plus" indicates addition, as in, "The old Gizmo grated cheese, but new Gizmo Plus grates cheese PLUS dries your hair." However, this Gizmo Plus does something completely different than the original, as in, "The old Sports Jacket covered your chest and arms, but new Sports Jacket Plus covers your feet instead (Sports Jacket not included)."
And speaking of sports, the winner of The Most Blaring Misuse of a Word Award is...
"Xtreme" Sports Spectator Kit.
Watching. Is not. "Xtreme." If we as concerned consumers let this stand (and just, you know, stand), then we will be directly responsible for the N-evitable X-treme follow-up products:
XTREME SPORTS STADIUM CONCESSIONS STAND PLAYSET!
XTREME SPORTS GETTING UP FOR A REFILL ON PRETZELS!
XTREME SPORTS SURFING THE INTERNET FOR SCORE UPDATES!
XTREME SPORTS XECUTIVE DESKTOP GAMES! (ages 6 and up)
Xtremely disappointing, guys.
And now we dive headfirst into the unknown to find the winner of
The I Have No Idea Either Award
The I Have No Idea Either Award category is designed to recognize the item that really, really suffered when they lost its Instruction Manual, the product that beguiles, bewilders and just plain boggles the mind. The Clearance shelf at Tuesday Morning (yes, even 80%-off stores have Clearance shelves) is chock-full of such anti-treasures, but there can only be one winner, and that winner is this:
THEORIES:
*A Shiatsu back-massager on a wall-mount
*An all-wooden orrery
*A spinning coat-hanger built for six
*A sparring dummy for the art of thumb-fu
*XTREME SPORTS PARAKEET PERCH
*Safety-First Sea Urchin Model
*Executive Desktop Nitrogen
Really, your guess is as good as mine.
However, not all curiosities can be that difficult to figure out. In fact, some are downright obvious. With that in mind, we present
Easiest Mystery
The winner of the Timmy for Easiest Mystery goes to the book that presents the simplest riddle, the least taxing brainteaser, or in the case of this year's winner, literally the easiest mystery.
Peter Plum: Maybe they're in Old Man PedophilicManufacturer's house.
Olivia Orange(?): Maybe they're on your face, Purpleboy.
Actually, yeah, my mystery question is harder: Which character is the Asian girl supposed to be? Clue's cast is pretty standard:
MALE: Boddy, Plum, Mustard, Green
FEMALE: Scarlet, White, Peacock
So either that girl's somehow mixed up scarlet and orange...
Wait. Purple and orange, missing glasses... I bet, just off-panel, there's a guy in an ascot, a stoner in green, and a dog with an affinity for Snacks named after himself. Oh, and Red Herring.
We're coming to the end of the show, and, having covered all the specifics, it's time for the award everybody's clamoring for:
All-Around Failure
The equivalent of Best Picture, The All-Around Failure Award relies on the product's inability, period. These products are just so sad, no other category is big enough to contain their shame. Even 'counterintuitive' isn't a big enough word to hold the winner this year, as the All-Around Failure Award goes to:
A Cheap-As-Free Lego-Ripoff.
Just...horrific. Look at those faces; they're what would happen if 50-year-old prudish women went Trick-or-Treating as Depeche Mode. It's like some toy designer at Cobi, Inc. saw that all Legos have smiles and got really frustrated that he could never have them show stark disapproval of one another's life choices.
Also, the set is called "Tipp-Kick" but 1) the only soccer ball it comes with is the one drawn on the box, and 2) I think this is supposed to be the Soccer(?) Player Gets Hounded By Paparazzi set. Oh, I apologize:
XTREME SPORTS STAR DAVID BECKHAM GETS MILDLY ANNOYED BY A CAMERAMAN WHILE THEY BOTH WALK LIKE ZOMBIES IN FROM OF WHAT APPEARS TO BE THE SKELETAL REMAINS OF THE F-TROOP FACADE!
The Press guy's shirt has the man's news agency's logo on it, and I can only assume that it's trying to get across the concept of 24-hour news. One half is a red sun, and the other half is, I guess, a midnight sun? Perhaps a Black Hole Sun? Coming to wash away the pain? If so, it's probably the pain of carrying that shoulder-mounted cannon that he's so cleverly tried to pass off as a video camera that just happens to be as tall as he is.
And really, you don't get much more failure-tastic than having all that wrong with a product and then slapping a sticker on top of the word 'fun' so it instead just says, "FU." I tell you, icing on the cake.
And there you have it, folks: The 2007 Timmys. Presented by Nikon, sponsored by Photobucket...and this year, hampered by Internal Security.
Internal Security: Making sure nobody cases the joint since 1983.
But before we go, there's one more award to give out, and that's for
Creepiest Purchase
The Creepiest Purchase Award goes to the item that stands out among its peers as, by far, the most likely conversation piece destined to wind up as a central prop in a Stephen King novel, probably coming to life or being splashed with blood in the process.
And the winner is:
Overalls: Play with us.
(Shudder) They're for putting plants in. Now why you'd want haunted overalls lining your walkway and holding your osh kosh b'gonias, is beyond me. I guess this is for the J.K.Rowling fans who really want Potter Children of their own.
And on that note, thanks, everyone, for tuning in to the Tuesday Morning Awards.
This is your host, Simon FitzKit...In the Field!, reminding you to --please-- spay and neuter your Drew Careys.
Good night.
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