We'll Have Apparel of Fun?
I always sort of accepted GoogleChat. Gmail, I thought, could rule with or without it. Then today happened, and I discovered the truth:
GoogleChat is the best. True dat.
I had just logged on to Gmail when the first message popped up as follows. No dialog has been deleted or inserted, except for the correction typographic errors. With that in mind, I give you what I've taken to thinking of as
Roll Out The Peril
Jeff: Well well well. Percifal VonSimon.
me: Genoviax DeVuiterblast!
Jeff: We finally meet.
me: All these years of scheming, and it
comes down to a showdown atop the Foglehorn Cataract
Jeff: Lower your rapier, Mr. VonSimon.
You wouldn't want to upset Miriam Shwierdweller
or Mr. Choke.
me: You vituperous scoundrel. Leave Miriam
out of th...wait. Miriam! Why are YOU holding the
gun to Mr. CHOKE's neck?
Jeff: "Oh Percy. I really did want to tell
you. I ever so did. But had you known I was behind
the Communist branch of Operation Stormcellar,
would you ever have taken me to Paris?"
me: Not without the thought of throwing you
from the Eiffel Tower, my former sweet. Now don't do
anything foolish. Mr. Choke is a valuable double-agent
that I had hoped to have reveal his true identity while
DeVuiterblast here claimed to have the upper hand with
you as his captive.
Jeff: Oh, but she is my captive,
Mr. VonSimon. Her heart is in my hands.
me: As is the transplant heart meant for
Vice Admiral Kleringer Popplevocal, I see. Never mind,
I'll reclaim the latter, and break the former! En garde!
Jeff: What DID I tell you about that rapier?
Talia, Contessa, please dispose of this trifling man!
"Uwe arhe raedy to saerve uoo, maih lawrd."
me: Heavens, man! When you once said that
good help is hard to find, I didn't think you'd resorted
to Down's Syndrome Patients!
Jeff: Their hardy flesh will deflect most
bladed attacks! I must now bid you adieu...forever,
I fear. Come, Miriam, to the aerozepplin!
me: Damn. They're getting away. Not far,
if I can help it. Girls! Girls, would you like this
pretty miniature disco ball? It plays the 'My Little Pony'
theme song!
Jeff: "Aaye laihk da ponee!"
"ITTY BITTY BABY, ITTY BITTY BOAT"
me: Here you are, then!
[He tosses the mini disco ball toward the cataract.]
[It flies closer to the edge, closer, closer...]
Jeff: "Sperklestaer!"
"HABEEB IT!"
[twin down's patients baseball-slide after bauble.]
me: [They catch it just at the edge, both
holding it up triumphantly, having saved it from certain
destruction]
Very good girls. Now to play the music, simply pull the pin.
Jeff: "Muzique! Pull!"
"TWINKIE HOUSE"
[Contessa pulls the pin. Unknownst to the girls, they have
pulled the pin on an Lysergic Acid Harmonic Trip-Out Grenade,
or LAHTOG. It emits harmonic frequencies that, when
decyphered by any human brain, create fantastic psychedelic
light shows in the sky and fill the mind with sitar music.]
me: "GawbiloooOOOooo!"
"I AM NOW TREMENDOUSLY ENTERTAINED BY THIS DEVICE!"
Enjoy yourselves, girls. I must away now. Never let it
be said Percival VonSimon killed a Down's Syndrome patient
just to save the day.
[He runs after DeVuiterblast...]
[Meanwhile, behind him, the girls slip deeper into their
LAHTOG-induced trips and slump backwards...off the edge
of the cataract.]
Jeff: [Aboard the Zepplin, DeVuiterblast fusses
over a control panel]
Blasted thing! The cryptograph rejects my encoded password!
"I'm afraid that's my fault, Genny."
Miriam! What is the meaning of this!?
me: "I'm afraid that I've been a double agent in
your ranks as well. Not for Percy, of course. He is,
after all, a Capitalist swine (admittedly with a delightful
bedside manner). No, I've been sent to kidnap you for your
criminal-mastermind brain, which my Russian controllers want
to install in our L.O.P.W.A.L.L.A. supercomputer to plot the
downfall of the entire free world!"
Jeff: [As her attention is diverted, Mr. Choke
casually removes a razor blade from the lining of his coat.
DeVuiterblast maintains a stoic face to Miriam. Mr. Choke,
aka Mr. Throttle, proceeds to slice open his left eyeball
with the razor. A small gun barrel slowly emerges from
his ruined, leaking eye.]
"I fourght you'd say somet'in like dat, Miss."
me: "Damn, why do I always turn my gun off the man
with the more ominous-sounding name? Every time."
Jeff: "Dat's right, Miss. Now, 'ere's wot's gonna
'appen. You! DeVuiterblast! Yor gonna fight VonSimon,
and yor gonna take it like a man. When...not if, WHEN...
'e kills you, I'll implant meself as the head of Stormcellar.
Your fellows in arm'll neva suspect a British MI-666 agent
at the top o' da heap."
[DeVuiterblast cackles madly.]
Oh simple creatures, of such simple needs. Don't you
understand? Miriam is currently a walking bomb, and this
aerozepplin is coated in contact poison, to which I have
acclimated myself into immunity.
me: "WWWWhhhwwwhuuuhf...?"
[Mr. Choke/Throttle slumps to one knee]
[DeVuiterblast laughs harder, taking the time to walk over,
and --with one hand-- push the unyielding Choke/Throttle's
face to the floor of the aerozepplin, rubbing his nose in it.]
[meanwhile, outside, VonSimon races toward the dangling towline]
"Genny, I know I betrayed you, but...a walking bomb...? How? When?"
Jeff: The heart transplant, you simple cow.
Why on earth did you THINK I was walking around for weeks,
making puns about hearts?
"I thought it was just evil inspiration! A character quirk!"
me: [VonSimon is halfway up the line...]
[suddenly he sees a rat fall past him...then another...]
[he looks up. they're falling off the ship as it begins to
tilt its nose to the east...]
[he catches one as it passes. It's dead, foaming green
at the mouth....]
[VonSimon looks upward and his eyes narrow.]
[He flings the rat away and shakes his gloved hand, muttering:]
Ferromine Dipherinol, DeVuiterblast? I didn't think you'd
sink so low.
[He steels himself and begins climbing again.]
Jeff: [From nothingness a black clad ninja appears,
standing at ease upside-down on the hull of the aerozepplin]
"Ah, Agent Percifal. So good to see you. Sloegin here."
me: Damn it, Sloegin. I don't have time for your
quirky stereotypically vaguely-Asian antics at this particular
moment! I'm about to have an ultimate battle with my one true
nemesis aboard a poisoned ship...
[he bats away another falling rat]
...and save the woman I love, probably just in time to put her
in jail for rest of her impeccably-manicured life, and here
you are, as if nothing has happened since you abandoned me
back in Truth Or Consequences, New Mexico to go have slanty-eyed
sex in a paper house with a woman with her feet bound and an
uncooked calamari tentacle up her behind. Now unless your shoes
are proof against Ferromine Dipherinol, I suggest you leave me alone.
"But, Agent Percifal. I come bearing important inf...Wait.
I took my shoes off before entering the aerozepplin..."
[he looks down, then back up, then falls "upward"]
"TORA, Tora, toraaaaaa...!"
Jeff: [Aboard the aerozepplin]
Ah? That sounded like a Mongoloid man falling to his death.
Yes, I'm certain...only a man with a pentagonal cranial shelf
would produce that sound.
[DeVuiterblast walks back over to Mr. Choke/Throttle and stomps
on his head, causing his eye-cannon to discharge through the floor.]
me: [the bullet goes through VonSimon's left shoulder
and he winces slightly, then continues climbing one-handed
up the line making it to the deck and purposefully putting
his hands flat against the edge, pushing himself up. He rips off
the right arm of his shirt to bandage his arm, then strides
toward the aerozepplin cabin.]
Jeff: "Oh, Percy!"
What? Where...OH, for the love of Shiva! I was hoping not
to release them at this altitude, but I'll have to use the LSBees.
[DeVuiterblast steps back a few feet, and a plexiglass tube
descends from the ceiling.]
[He pushes a large yellow button on a remote control.]
[Panels on the inside of the cabin open up, releasing LSBees:
hornets genetically designed to produce LSD instead of formic
toxin when they sting.]
It's been fun, Miriam...I should hope this death will be as
entertaining for you as it will be for me! a-Ha! a-Ha!
me: "Genny? Are those for Percy? It isn't a problem that
I'm wearing Estee Lauder's Pistil+Stamen pollen-scented body wash...?
Or that you had me drape myself over you in a show of affection
earlier this evening?"
Jeff: La-la-la! Can't hear you, I'm in a plexiglass tube!
"Oh, you're always like this when you're in the tube!"
me: [the LSBees swarm over her]
"Genny! If I die, won't that set off the bomb? My heart bomb?"
[she smacks against the tube, cheek mushed and rips open her
blouse, pressing her bustiered chest against it]
"Because I don't think Plexiglass protects against a direct hit
from a heart-sized bomb!"
Jeff: Oh bugger!...pardon my langugage, my dear.
Colonel Cold did warn me about that bomb plan, but did I listen?
No, I had so many wonderful puns rehearsed! 'The heart of the matter!'
Oh dear, yes, THAT was worth it.
me: [the door slams open, VonSimon's heelmarks just above the knob]
DeVuiterblast, I have you n... Good lord! Miriam!
Jeff: Oh Mister VonSimon! Look at what this dreadful
woman has done! She's released deadly bees from her nether regions.
Do be a good chap and throw her out the door, will you?
"Don't listen to him, Percy! He's patently evil!
I only have ideological conflicts!"
me: "The truth is, Percy, he...I...Oooooh, I love you,
glass. Can I hug you, Licky-lick?"
Miriam, what's wrong? What have you done to her, DeVuiterblast?
Jeff: Nothing! Why? Do you think I should?
me: "Oh nasty, nasty, you're so mean to be inside Licky-lick.
I want to be insiiiiiide... Get out! Get out or I'll do you
bootily harm...Heehehehe! 'Bootily' tastes purple!"
Jeff: Gracious, she does seem ill, doesn't she, Mr. VonSimon?
Perhaps my Cyborg Nurse powered by Net Nanny should have a look
at her, hm? Oh BRUNHILDA!
me: [the other cabin door slams open, an enormous robot's
high-heelmarks just above the knob.]
//BRUNHILDA EES ONLINE, HERR DE.VOO.EE.TEAR.BLAH.ZZZT//
...Quite the technological marvel, DeVuiterblast. Did it take ages
to get your name right?
Jeff: Scoff as you will, Mr. VonSimon. Brunhilda,
I believe these two need to have their...heads examined.
Be a dear and see to that end, will you?
[Brunhilda's surgical saw hands begin to whirr menacingly]
//JA HERR DE.VOO.EE.TEAR.BLAH.ZZZT. DER HEADS NEED DA SHRINKING. JA?//
But do be gentle with the lady. After all, as you know,
she is of the frailer sex.
me: [a third hand appears from over her back with a
bustier-shaped bomb-containment unit]
//JA HERR DE.VOO.EE.TEAR.BLAH.ZZZT. SHAVING YOUR BEHIND FROM
POOR PLAHNNING. ZAT IS VHAT NURSIE IS HERE FOR.//
Snicker. Oh good lord, man. I understand German nurses. I understand
robot nurses. But 'shaving your behind'? Why in God's name did you
make her a German robot nu...AHUGH.
[VonSimon puts his good hand to his mouth.]
[It comes away with green foam.]
Enough talk. It's time to end this, DeVuiterblast.
Jeff: I'm terribly sorry, Mr. VonSimon. I'm afraid
I can't hear you, as I am in this tube.
//JA. HERR DE.VOO.EE.TEAR.BLAH.ZZZT IST FUNNY NEIN?
NOW WE SHRINKING DA HEAD, JA?//
[Brunhilda lurches toward VonSimon, only to be stopped as Miriam
throws herself against the robot's massive busty bulk.]
"Oh gracious, how the tiny yellow stars burn my cerebellum!
With their black stripes...ooh, licorice!"
me: //NEIN, NEIN, FRAULEIN. YOU ARE TOO CLOSE FOR ME
TO USE YOUR BOMB-CONTAINMENT STRAITJACKET.//
Bomb-contain...Good lord, you monster!
Jeff: Well, if you can think of a better way to deal with
tiresome women, I'd certainly like to hear it. Also, I can't
hear you anyway, as I am in my tube.
me: "Hello, goldfish with a police hat!"
[Miriam is waning, but Brunhilda's programming forces it to
remove the threat to its master]
[Brunhilda backs up, faster and faster as its internal sensors
indicate Miriam's heartrate is speeding up dangerously]
[the two of them go over the railing of the aerozepplin]
No! Miriam!
[VonSimon rushes forward, but in his poison-addled, bloodloss-ridden
state, trips over Mr. Choke/Throttle's body]
[Mr. Choke's head raises as a result and his eye-cannon fires
at the Plexiglass tube, cracking it slightly]
Jeff: [DeVuiterblast shrieks like a girl]
me: [just after Brunhilda and Miriam fall out of sight,
the ship is rocked by the explosion of Miriam's heart,
throwing everyone towards the opposite wall]
[VonSimon goes flying back through the still-open door he'd
entered from and barely manages to grab the ship's rail
[DeVutierblast falls against the yellow button inside the tube
and the tube rises]
Jeff: [The LSBees swarm to him, as he still smells
of Miriam's body wash]
me: "Oh, goddamn it! Why don't I ever equip my tubes
with car-exhaust producers or emergency eyewashes or something
USEFUL???"
[VonSimon climbs back over the rail
Jeff: Well, this is entirely annoying! You've caused
quite a fracas, Mr. VonSimon! And now I'm extremely high!
I shall have to kill you the old fashioned way...via swordplay!
me: [VonSimon steels himself and draws his rapier]
Jeff: [The bees cling to DeVutierblast, like that man
with the bee beard. He pulls a cane from an umbrella holder
and unsheaths a sword]
Full tang titanium, forged in the Andes, cooled by the tears
of workhouse orphans. Now, it shall taste your tears,
Percifal VonSimon!
me: [VonSimon spits, and more green foam flies through
the air to land on the blade]
Sorry, DeVuiterblast. No tears, only bile. En garde!
Jeff: [DeVuiterblast recoils]
Really, have you no decorum at ALL? At least Agent Throttle
there didn't shower me in eye juices! Touche!
me: [the duel rages on, through the cabin, out onto
the deck, all the while DeVuiterblast uses the double weapons
of sword and his own swung arm, coated in hallucenigenic insects,
to keep VonSimon on the defense
Jeff: I say, would you be a good chap and just die?
I'm beginning to find it difficult to discern which of
your heads I should be stabbing. Why on earth did we
weaponize LSD in the first place?
me: [clash of swords, they cross up to the hilt]
I'm sorry, I can't hear you; I've been contact-poisoned
by your aerozepplin. If perchance we traded antidote for
smoke bomb, perhaps we could get around to actually
killing each other?
Jeff: Oh, very well. Perhaps we should make a game
of it! I have here two vials. One is an antidote, a balm for
the affliction which grips you. The other is full of Miriam's
vaginal secretions. I had hopes of making a fourth clone of
her using cells found in her excretion, but I suppose I can
find another woman to clone ceaselessly.
me: Fourth clone?! You mean that wasn't Miriam at all?
Jeff: Oh, it certainly thought it was Miriam.
And it may very well have been...one would have to find enough
of her remains to locate my logo on her. ...The original is,
of course, logo-free.
me: Very well, if I must kill you to find her, I shall.
In return for one of those vials then, I'll give you one of
these two grenades. One contains thick black smoke, the other,
tear-gas. On an unpiloted aerozepplin, covered in beestings,
constantly overdosing on LSD, and with your eyes filled with
the tears your rapier so desires, you'll surely die just as
I would, saving the world from more of your nefarious schemes.
Jeff: Such a clever gentleman you are. But you deeply
underestimate me, my good man. What makes you think I need
to be alive to complete my ultimate machinations?
me: Need? I don't know. But want,
well, Genoviax. I happen to KNOW that you WANT to live on,
to see your evil spread. ...And plus, you're a girly-man who's
afraid of death like the monster beneath his bed.
Jeff: I'll ignore that. Great gears are turning,
Mr. VonSimon. The wheels of social upheaval and ultimate chaos
grind away civilization and sanity as we speak. They will
continue unheeded, whether I persist or not. And from the
ashes of civilized man, my cult will rise. I will be born
again, Mr. VonSimon. And you? Well, you only live once.
me: At least I'll make my Once count.
[VonSimon leaps backwards over the rail, tossing the left-hand
grenade as he goes. It smacks the tripping DeVuiterblast square
in the depth-perception-less eyes. Tear gas explodes from within,
and DeVuiterblast falls to his knees, barely able to see the
unfinished Crazy Horse Memorial mountain looming ahead.]
"Well, at least this will destroy another of America's feeble
attempts to match European landmarks."
[The aerozepplin plows into the monument's side and explodes,
blasting away rock that would have cost the builders another
200,000 dollars. The construction timetable has inadvertently
been moved forward fifteen years.]
[The LSBees fly away into the nighttime sky]
Jeff: [VonSimon falls with a placid smile on his face.]
[He pulls a ripcord and great golden clockwork wings tear
through his peacoat.]
[they begin beating furiously]
[He lands gently several yards away from the flaming,
hulking wreck of the ruined aerozepplin]
[As he watches it burn with a grim countenance, a black mass
emerges from the shadows behind him]
//TIME...BZZZT...4 MEDICINE...TAKING YA/NEIN...SAURKRAUTBIR
KENSTOCK...CRI-TIC--AL SYS--- ERROR//
me: [Percifal turns and Brunhilda's midsection
compartment slams open, VonSimon's heelmarks just above the knob.]
[Inside is a vial marked "Emergency Ferromine Dipherinol
Antidote Just In Case I'm Not As Immune As I Boast To My Foes."]
[VonSimon falls to one knee, exhausted.]
[He's now too low to reach the container.]
[However, an impeccably-manicured hand reaches the vial
and uses it on him.]
"Here you are, Percy. It's all over now."
Jeff: "You! You...exploded!...I heard you..."
me: "That was the clone, my sweet."
Jeff: "How can I be sure?"
[Miriam points to a smouldering scrap of skin stuck to the robot.]
[The skin bears the logo of the late Genoviax DeVuiterblast.]
Jeff: "Rest easy, dear Percy. We can finish saving
the world tomorrow...for both the bourgeoise
and the proletariate, if you wish."
me: [Percifal, his strength returning, pulls her close
to him, a fitting embrace for such a monumental triumph.]
[As he does though, his hand moves her blousetop to the right,
and there again is DeVuiterblast's logo.]
[His eyes harden and he kisses her deeply, lifting her from
the ground in a passionate embrace, pushing her backward...
...and right onto Brunhilda's still-raised sawblade arm.]
"What? But... why, my love?"
You're not the woman I love, my clonable sweet. You may have
her face, but you'll never have ...her soul.
Jeff: [with her dying breath, she gurgles out the words:]
"Ghost...machines...Percy...Ghost machines..."
[blood erupts from her mouth and back]
me: [Brunhilda finally tilts backward and falls to
the ground, the faux Miriam on top.]
Thank you, my almost-but-not-quite-sweet. I'll keep that in mind.
[VonSimon squares his jaw, broadens his shoulders,
and walks off into the moonset, certainly to be heard from again.]
Jeff: TEH END.
.
GoogleChat is the best. True dat.
I had just logged on to Gmail when the first message popped up as follows. No dialog has been deleted or inserted, except for the correction typographic errors. With that in mind, I give you what I've taken to thinking of as
Roll Out The Peril
Jeff: Well well well. Percifal VonSimon.
me: Genoviax DeVuiterblast!
Jeff: We finally meet.
me: All these years of scheming, and it
comes down to a showdown atop the Foglehorn Cataract
Jeff: Lower your rapier, Mr. VonSimon.
You wouldn't want to upset Miriam Shwierdweller
or Mr. Choke.
me: You vituperous scoundrel. Leave Miriam
out of th...wait. Miriam! Why are YOU holding the
gun to Mr. CHOKE's neck?
Jeff: "Oh Percy. I really did want to tell
you. I ever so did. But had you known I was behind
the Communist branch of Operation Stormcellar,
would you ever have taken me to Paris?"
me: Not without the thought of throwing you
from the Eiffel Tower, my former sweet. Now don't do
anything foolish. Mr. Choke is a valuable double-agent
that I had hoped to have reveal his true identity while
DeVuiterblast here claimed to have the upper hand with
you as his captive.
Jeff: Oh, but she is my captive,
Mr. VonSimon. Her heart is in my hands.
me: As is the transplant heart meant for
Vice Admiral Kleringer Popplevocal, I see. Never mind,
I'll reclaim the latter, and break the former! En garde!
Jeff: What DID I tell you about that rapier?
Talia, Contessa, please dispose of this trifling man!
"Uwe arhe raedy to saerve uoo, maih lawrd."
me: Heavens, man! When you once said that
good help is hard to find, I didn't think you'd resorted
to Down's Syndrome Patients!
Jeff: Their hardy flesh will deflect most
bladed attacks! I must now bid you adieu...forever,
I fear. Come, Miriam, to the aerozepplin!
me: Damn. They're getting away. Not far,
if I can help it. Girls! Girls, would you like this
pretty miniature disco ball? It plays the 'My Little Pony'
theme song!
Jeff: "Aaye laihk da ponee!"
"ITTY BITTY BABY, ITTY BITTY BOAT"
me: Here you are, then!
[He tosses the mini disco ball toward the cataract.]
[It flies closer to the edge, closer, closer...]
Jeff: "Sperklestaer!"
"HABEEB IT!"
[twin down's patients baseball-slide after bauble.]
me: [They catch it just at the edge, both
holding it up triumphantly, having saved it from certain
destruction]
Very good girls. Now to play the music, simply pull the pin.
Jeff: "Muzique! Pull!"
"TWINKIE HOUSE"
[Contessa pulls the pin. Unknownst to the girls, they have
pulled the pin on an Lysergic Acid Harmonic Trip-Out Grenade,
or LAHTOG. It emits harmonic frequencies that, when
decyphered by any human brain, create fantastic psychedelic
light shows in the sky and fill the mind with sitar music.]
me: "GawbiloooOOOooo!"
"I AM NOW TREMENDOUSLY ENTERTAINED BY THIS DEVICE!"
Enjoy yourselves, girls. I must away now. Never let it
be said Percival VonSimon killed a Down's Syndrome patient
just to save the day.
[He runs after DeVuiterblast...]
[Meanwhile, behind him, the girls slip deeper into their
LAHTOG-induced trips and slump backwards...off the edge
of the cataract.]
Jeff: [Aboard the Zepplin, DeVuiterblast fusses
over a control panel]
Blasted thing! The cryptograph rejects my encoded password!
"I'm afraid that's my fault, Genny."
Miriam! What is the meaning of this!?
me: "I'm afraid that I've been a double agent in
your ranks as well. Not for Percy, of course. He is,
after all, a Capitalist swine (admittedly with a delightful
bedside manner). No, I've been sent to kidnap you for your
criminal-mastermind brain, which my Russian controllers want
to install in our L.O.P.W.A.L.L.A. supercomputer to plot the
downfall of the entire free world!"
Jeff: [As her attention is diverted, Mr. Choke
casually removes a razor blade from the lining of his coat.
DeVuiterblast maintains a stoic face to Miriam. Mr. Choke,
aka Mr. Throttle, proceeds to slice open his left eyeball
with the razor. A small gun barrel slowly emerges from
his ruined, leaking eye.]
"I fourght you'd say somet'in like dat, Miss."
me: "Damn, why do I always turn my gun off the man
with the more ominous-sounding name? Every time."
Jeff: "Dat's right, Miss. Now, 'ere's wot's gonna
'appen. You! DeVuiterblast! Yor gonna fight VonSimon,
and yor gonna take it like a man. When...not if, WHEN...
'e kills you, I'll implant meself as the head of Stormcellar.
Your fellows in arm'll neva suspect a British MI-666 agent
at the top o' da heap."
[DeVuiterblast cackles madly.]
Oh simple creatures, of such simple needs. Don't you
understand? Miriam is currently a walking bomb, and this
aerozepplin is coated in contact poison, to which I have
acclimated myself into immunity.
me: "WWWWhhhwwwhuuuhf...?"
[Mr. Choke/Throttle slumps to one knee]
[DeVuiterblast laughs harder, taking the time to walk over,
and --with one hand-- push the unyielding Choke/Throttle's
face to the floor of the aerozepplin, rubbing his nose in it.]
[meanwhile, outside, VonSimon races toward the dangling towline]
"Genny, I know I betrayed you, but...a walking bomb...? How? When?"
Jeff: The heart transplant, you simple cow.
Why on earth did you THINK I was walking around for weeks,
making puns about hearts?
"I thought it was just evil inspiration! A character quirk!"
me: [VonSimon is halfway up the line...]
[suddenly he sees a rat fall past him...then another...]
[he looks up. they're falling off the ship as it begins to
tilt its nose to the east...]
[he catches one as it passes. It's dead, foaming green
at the mouth....]
[VonSimon looks upward and his eyes narrow.]
[He flings the rat away and shakes his gloved hand, muttering:]
Ferromine Dipherinol, DeVuiterblast? I didn't think you'd
sink so low.
[He steels himself and begins climbing again.]
Jeff: [From nothingness a black clad ninja appears,
standing at ease upside-down on the hull of the aerozepplin]
"Ah, Agent Percifal. So good to see you. Sloegin here."
me: Damn it, Sloegin. I don't have time for your
quirky stereotypically vaguely-Asian antics at this particular
moment! I'm about to have an ultimate battle with my one true
nemesis aboard a poisoned ship...
[he bats away another falling rat]
...and save the woman I love, probably just in time to put her
in jail for rest of her impeccably-manicured life, and here
you are, as if nothing has happened since you abandoned me
back in Truth Or Consequences, New Mexico to go have slanty-eyed
sex in a paper house with a woman with her feet bound and an
uncooked calamari tentacle up her behind. Now unless your shoes
are proof against Ferromine Dipherinol, I suggest you leave me alone.
"But, Agent Percifal. I come bearing important inf...Wait.
I took my shoes off before entering the aerozepplin..."
[he looks down, then back up, then falls "upward"]
"TORA, Tora, toraaaaaa...!"
Jeff: [Aboard the aerozepplin]
Ah? That sounded like a Mongoloid man falling to his death.
Yes, I'm certain...only a man with a pentagonal cranial shelf
would produce that sound.
[DeVuiterblast walks back over to Mr. Choke/Throttle and stomps
on his head, causing his eye-cannon to discharge through the floor.]
me: [the bullet goes through VonSimon's left shoulder
and he winces slightly, then continues climbing one-handed
up the line making it to the deck and purposefully putting
his hands flat against the edge, pushing himself up. He rips off
the right arm of his shirt to bandage his arm, then strides
toward the aerozepplin cabin.]
Jeff: "Oh, Percy!"
What? Where...OH, for the love of Shiva! I was hoping not
to release them at this altitude, but I'll have to use the LSBees.
[DeVuiterblast steps back a few feet, and a plexiglass tube
descends from the ceiling.]
[He pushes a large yellow button on a remote control.]
[Panels on the inside of the cabin open up, releasing LSBees:
hornets genetically designed to produce LSD instead of formic
toxin when they sting.]
It's been fun, Miriam...I should hope this death will be as
entertaining for you as it will be for me! a-Ha! a-Ha!
me: "Genny? Are those for Percy? It isn't a problem that
I'm wearing Estee Lauder's Pistil+Stamen pollen-scented body wash...?
Or that you had me drape myself over you in a show of affection
earlier this evening?"
Jeff: La-la-la! Can't hear you, I'm in a plexiglass tube!
"Oh, you're always like this when you're in the tube!"
me: [the LSBees swarm over her]
"Genny! If I die, won't that set off the bomb? My heart bomb?"
[she smacks against the tube, cheek mushed and rips open her
blouse, pressing her bustiered chest against it]
"Because I don't think Plexiglass protects against a direct hit
from a heart-sized bomb!"
Jeff: Oh bugger!...pardon my langugage, my dear.
Colonel Cold did warn me about that bomb plan, but did I listen?
No, I had so many wonderful puns rehearsed! 'The heart of the matter!'
Oh dear, yes, THAT was worth it.
me: [the door slams open, VonSimon's heelmarks just above the knob]
DeVuiterblast, I have you n... Good lord! Miriam!
Jeff: Oh Mister VonSimon! Look at what this dreadful
woman has done! She's released deadly bees from her nether regions.
Do be a good chap and throw her out the door, will you?
"Don't listen to him, Percy! He's patently evil!
I only have ideological conflicts!"
me: "The truth is, Percy, he...I...Oooooh, I love you,
glass. Can I hug you, Licky-lick?"
Miriam, what's wrong? What have you done to her, DeVuiterblast?
Jeff: Nothing! Why? Do you think I should?
me: "Oh nasty, nasty, you're so mean to be inside Licky-lick.
I want to be insiiiiiide... Get out! Get out or I'll do you
bootily harm...Heehehehe! 'Bootily' tastes purple!"
Jeff: Gracious, she does seem ill, doesn't she, Mr. VonSimon?
Perhaps my Cyborg Nurse powered by Net Nanny should have a look
at her, hm? Oh BRUNHILDA!
me: [the other cabin door slams open, an enormous robot's
high-heelmarks just above the knob.]
//BRUNHILDA EES ONLINE, HERR DE.VOO.EE.TEAR.BLAH.ZZZT//
...Quite the technological marvel, DeVuiterblast. Did it take ages
to get your name right?
Jeff: Scoff as you will, Mr. VonSimon. Brunhilda,
I believe these two need to have their...heads examined.
Be a dear and see to that end, will you?
[Brunhilda's surgical saw hands begin to whirr menacingly]
//JA HERR DE.VOO.EE.TEAR.BLAH.ZZZT. DER HEADS NEED DA SHRINKING. JA?//
But do be gentle with the lady. After all, as you know,
she is of the frailer sex.
me: [a third hand appears from over her back with a
bustier-shaped bomb-containment unit]
//JA HERR DE.VOO.EE.TEAR.BLAH.ZZZT. SHAVING YOUR BEHIND FROM
POOR PLAHNNING. ZAT IS VHAT NURSIE IS HERE FOR.//
Snicker. Oh good lord, man. I understand German nurses. I understand
robot nurses. But 'shaving your behind'? Why in God's name did you
make her a German robot nu...AHUGH.
[VonSimon puts his good hand to his mouth.]
[It comes away with green foam.]
Enough talk. It's time to end this, DeVuiterblast.
Jeff: I'm terribly sorry, Mr. VonSimon. I'm afraid
I can't hear you, as I am in this tube.
//JA. HERR DE.VOO.EE.TEAR.BLAH.ZZZT IST FUNNY NEIN?
NOW WE SHRINKING DA HEAD, JA?//
[Brunhilda lurches toward VonSimon, only to be stopped as Miriam
throws herself against the robot's massive busty bulk.]
"Oh gracious, how the tiny yellow stars burn my cerebellum!
With their black stripes...ooh, licorice!"
me: //NEIN, NEIN, FRAULEIN. YOU ARE TOO CLOSE FOR ME
TO USE YOUR BOMB-CONTAINMENT STRAITJACKET.//
Bomb-contain...Good lord, you monster!
Jeff: Well, if you can think of a better way to deal with
tiresome women, I'd certainly like to hear it. Also, I can't
hear you anyway, as I am in my tube.
me: "Hello, goldfish with a police hat!"
[Miriam is waning, but Brunhilda's programming forces it to
remove the threat to its master]
[Brunhilda backs up, faster and faster as its internal sensors
indicate Miriam's heartrate is speeding up dangerously]
[the two of them go over the railing of the aerozepplin]
No! Miriam!
[VonSimon rushes forward, but in his poison-addled, bloodloss-ridden
state, trips over Mr. Choke/Throttle's body]
[Mr. Choke's head raises as a result and his eye-cannon fires
at the Plexiglass tube, cracking it slightly]
Jeff: [DeVuiterblast shrieks like a girl]
me: [just after Brunhilda and Miriam fall out of sight,
the ship is rocked by the explosion of Miriam's heart,
throwing everyone towards the opposite wall]
[VonSimon goes flying back through the still-open door he'd
entered from and barely manages to grab the ship's rail
[DeVutierblast falls against the yellow button inside the tube
and the tube rises]
Jeff: [The LSBees swarm to him, as he still smells
of Miriam's body wash]
me: "Oh, goddamn it! Why don't I ever equip my tubes
with car-exhaust producers or emergency eyewashes or something
USEFUL???"
[VonSimon climbs back over the rail
Jeff: Well, this is entirely annoying! You've caused
quite a fracas, Mr. VonSimon! And now I'm extremely high!
I shall have to kill you the old fashioned way...via swordplay!
me: [VonSimon steels himself and draws his rapier]
Jeff: [The bees cling to DeVutierblast, like that man
with the bee beard. He pulls a cane from an umbrella holder
and unsheaths a sword]
Full tang titanium, forged in the Andes, cooled by the tears
of workhouse orphans. Now, it shall taste your tears,
Percifal VonSimon!
me: [VonSimon spits, and more green foam flies through
the air to land on the blade]
Sorry, DeVuiterblast. No tears, only bile. En garde!
Jeff: [DeVuiterblast recoils]
Really, have you no decorum at ALL? At least Agent Throttle
there didn't shower me in eye juices! Touche!
me: [the duel rages on, through the cabin, out onto
the deck, all the while DeVuiterblast uses the double weapons
of sword and his own swung arm, coated in hallucenigenic insects,
to keep VonSimon on the defense
Jeff: I say, would you be a good chap and just die?
I'm beginning to find it difficult to discern which of
your heads I should be stabbing. Why on earth did we
weaponize LSD in the first place?
me: [clash of swords, they cross up to the hilt]
I'm sorry, I can't hear you; I've been contact-poisoned
by your aerozepplin. If perchance we traded antidote for
smoke bomb, perhaps we could get around to actually
killing each other?
Jeff: Oh, very well. Perhaps we should make a game
of it! I have here two vials. One is an antidote, a balm for
the affliction which grips you. The other is full of Miriam's
vaginal secretions. I had hopes of making a fourth clone of
her using cells found in her excretion, but I suppose I can
find another woman to clone ceaselessly.
me: Fourth clone?! You mean that wasn't Miriam at all?
Jeff: Oh, it certainly thought it was Miriam.
And it may very well have been...one would have to find enough
of her remains to locate my logo on her. ...The original is,
of course, logo-free.
me: Very well, if I must kill you to find her, I shall.
In return for one of those vials then, I'll give you one of
these two grenades. One contains thick black smoke, the other,
tear-gas. On an unpiloted aerozepplin, covered in beestings,
constantly overdosing on LSD, and with your eyes filled with
the tears your rapier so desires, you'll surely die just as
I would, saving the world from more of your nefarious schemes.
Jeff: Such a clever gentleman you are. But you deeply
underestimate me, my good man. What makes you think I need
to be alive to complete my ultimate machinations?
me: Need? I don't know. But want,
well, Genoviax. I happen to KNOW that you WANT to live on,
to see your evil spread. ...And plus, you're a girly-man who's
afraid of death like the monster beneath his bed.
Jeff: I'll ignore that. Great gears are turning,
Mr. VonSimon. The wheels of social upheaval and ultimate chaos
grind away civilization and sanity as we speak. They will
continue unheeded, whether I persist or not. And from the
ashes of civilized man, my cult will rise. I will be born
again, Mr. VonSimon. And you? Well, you only live once.
me: At least I'll make my Once count.
[VonSimon leaps backwards over the rail, tossing the left-hand
grenade as he goes. It smacks the tripping DeVuiterblast square
in the depth-perception-less eyes. Tear gas explodes from within,
and DeVuiterblast falls to his knees, barely able to see the
unfinished Crazy Horse Memorial mountain looming ahead.]
"Well, at least this will destroy another of America's feeble
attempts to match European landmarks."
[The aerozepplin plows into the monument's side and explodes,
blasting away rock that would have cost the builders another
200,000 dollars. The construction timetable has inadvertently
been moved forward fifteen years.]
[The LSBees fly away into the nighttime sky]
Jeff: [VonSimon falls with a placid smile on his face.]
[He pulls a ripcord and great golden clockwork wings tear
through his peacoat.]
[they begin beating furiously]
[He lands gently several yards away from the flaming,
hulking wreck of the ruined aerozepplin]
[As he watches it burn with a grim countenance, a black mass
emerges from the shadows behind him]
//TIME...BZZZT...4 MEDICINE...TAKING YA/NEIN...SAURKRAUTBIR
KENSTOCK...CRI-TIC--AL SYS--- ERROR//
me: [Percifal turns and Brunhilda's midsection
compartment slams open, VonSimon's heelmarks just above the knob.]
[Inside is a vial marked "Emergency Ferromine Dipherinol
Antidote Just In Case I'm Not As Immune As I Boast To My Foes."]
[VonSimon falls to one knee, exhausted.]
[He's now too low to reach the container.]
[However, an impeccably-manicured hand reaches the vial
and uses it on him.]
"Here you are, Percy. It's all over now."
Jeff: "You! You...exploded!...I heard you..."
me: "That was the clone, my sweet."
Jeff: "How can I be sure?"
[Miriam points to a smouldering scrap of skin stuck to the robot.]
[The skin bears the logo of the late Genoviax DeVuiterblast.]
Jeff: "Rest easy, dear Percy. We can finish saving
the world tomorrow...for both the bourgeoise
and the proletariate, if you wish."
me: [Percifal, his strength returning, pulls her close
to him, a fitting embrace for such a monumental triumph.]
[As he does though, his hand moves her blousetop to the right,
and there again is DeVuiterblast's logo.]
[His eyes harden and he kisses her deeply, lifting her from
the ground in a passionate embrace, pushing her backward...
...and right onto Brunhilda's still-raised sawblade arm.]
"What? But... why, my love?"
You're not the woman I love, my clonable sweet. You may have
her face, but you'll never have ...her soul.
Jeff: [with her dying breath, she gurgles out the words:]
"Ghost...machines...Percy...Ghost machines..."
[blood erupts from her mouth and back]
me: [Brunhilda finally tilts backward and falls to
the ground, the faux Miriam on top.]
Thank you, my almost-but-not-quite-sweet. I'll keep that in mind.
[VonSimon squares his jaw, broadens his shoulders,
and walks off into the moonset, certainly to be heard from again.]
Jeff: TEH END.
.