Past Imperfect Present Tense
I've gotten to the point where I have a standard gift template for both of my parents. If at all possible, I get my dad something to do with Sherlock Holmes. Usually some new book with a slightly new take on the franchise, but sometimes a DVD of some Holmes movie or TV series.
My mother either gets a new female-detective-female-author mystery that I've discovered or a TV-Show-on-DVD to watch while walking on the treadmill.
The few times I've broken these templates, my gifts have failed miserably. My father used to do the Scrambles in the newspaper every day, so one CMas I made him something like 50 of them, with better jokes too. It took me a decent amount of time; it was basically my spare-moment project for a good three weeks. I carefully made the scrambles for the puzzles, then created them with professional-looking boxes-with-circles just like in the paper. Granted, I didn't draw pictures, but if I'd had time after all that, I actually might have. In any case, I gave them to him CMas morning, and to date, he has done exactly None of them.
None. As in, not even a try at the first one where he got a couple words and then said, "Damn, my son comes up with crazy words that don't fit in my vocabulary. RHETTAE? What's that turn into? Hell if I know!" No, I saw the pages in the stack of stuff on his nightstand of Stuff He'll Some Day Get Around To (throwingaway), completely untouched.
Zach Ward heard this story and told me to print them out for him and he'd do them. He did. Good man, that Zach.
Let's see...oh, there was the time that I wanted to give my father something special for Father's Day. I crafted a crossword that had several grid-wide entries with clues like 'FATHER HOOD?' 'FATHER TIME?' and 'FATHER FIGURE?' with answers that were specific to him (e.g. 'THE FRONT OF DADS MERCEDES'). I made the grid in Excel, typed the clues up in Word, printed them out, arranged them so they fit on one page, then went to Kinkos and got a copy of it that, again, looked professional. And again, he didn't even touch it.
So I don't do that any more. I get him Sherlock Holmes stuff. I know he likes it; he tells me about the plots of every book I get him, kind of like we're somehow communicating about something. It's certainly better than that whole 'the best gifts are the ones you make yourself' crap that's gotten me so frustrated in past years.
As for my mother, she gives hints year-round about what she wants (Dad never does), so I usually can get her something I can be sure she'll enjoy, whether it falls into my template or not. There's been one huge exception to that: The Angel Ornament Fiasco.
For years, every CMas season as we finished putting up the tree with all its ornaments, my mother used to say, "One year, I'd like to do an angel tree, just all the angel ornaments covering the branches, all white lights, with the big angel on top. We just don't have enough to fill up a tree."
Well, one year, starting the day after CMas, I went out to all the holiday leftover sales I could find, and I bought the ornaments that fit my mother's taste in angel ornaments. And then, throughout the year, I found more in department stores, tag sales, Cracker Barrels, etc. until I had a huge box-full. I laid them all out in an easily unlayered fashion, and I gave it to her for the next CMas. Then, when we took down the ornaments, I specifically separated the angels we already had and used a tin to store all the angels.
The next year as we got ready to decorate the tree, I got the white lights out, opened the Angel Tin, and said, "Well, we've got the Angel Tree all set to go up!"
And my mother made a strained, reluctant face and said, "Yes, but there are all these other ornaments that I'd miss." Because of, you know, sentimentality.
A full year of effort, thought and care, and she basically said, "Yeah, I never really meant all that talk about wanting to do something special. Thanks anyway."
Sore spots. When I pour that much time into a single pursuit, devoting myself to it completely, I kind of hope (expect?) the effort will be appreciated, not just shrugged off and ignored.
Anyway. Templates. I don't really go out of my way to do better than average any more when I know there's no reason to go that extra step. Perfunctory gifts.
Oddly, they get more out of perfunctory than from personal. Lesson learned.
Happy CMas tidings, huh?
.
My mother either gets a new female-detective-female-author mystery that I've discovered or a TV-Show-on-DVD to watch while walking on the treadmill.
The few times I've broken these templates, my gifts have failed miserably. My father used to do the Scrambles in the newspaper every day, so one CMas I made him something like 50 of them, with better jokes too. It took me a decent amount of time; it was basically my spare-moment project for a good three weeks. I carefully made the scrambles for the puzzles, then created them with professional-looking boxes-with-circles just like in the paper. Granted, I didn't draw pictures, but if I'd had time after all that, I actually might have. In any case, I gave them to him CMas morning, and to date, he has done exactly None of them.
None. As in, not even a try at the first one where he got a couple words and then said, "Damn, my son comes up with crazy words that don't fit in my vocabulary. RHETTAE? What's that turn into? Hell if I know!" No, I saw the pages in the stack of stuff on his nightstand of Stuff He'll Some Day Get Around To (throwingaway), completely untouched.
Zach Ward heard this story and told me to print them out for him and he'd do them. He did. Good man, that Zach.
Let's see...oh, there was the time that I wanted to give my father something special for Father's Day. I crafted a crossword that had several grid-wide entries with clues like 'FATHER HOOD?' 'FATHER TIME?' and 'FATHER FIGURE?' with answers that were specific to him (e.g. 'THE FRONT OF DADS MERCEDES'). I made the grid in Excel, typed the clues up in Word, printed them out, arranged them so they fit on one page, then went to Kinkos and got a copy of it that, again, looked professional. And again, he didn't even touch it.
So I don't do that any more. I get him Sherlock Holmes stuff. I know he likes it; he tells me about the plots of every book I get him, kind of like we're somehow communicating about something. It's certainly better than that whole 'the best gifts are the ones you make yourself' crap that's gotten me so frustrated in past years.
As for my mother, she gives hints year-round about what she wants (Dad never does), so I usually can get her something I can be sure she'll enjoy, whether it falls into my template or not. There's been one huge exception to that: The Angel Ornament Fiasco.
For years, every CMas season as we finished putting up the tree with all its ornaments, my mother used to say, "One year, I'd like to do an angel tree, just all the angel ornaments covering the branches, all white lights, with the big angel on top. We just don't have enough to fill up a tree."
Well, one year, starting the day after CMas, I went out to all the holiday leftover sales I could find, and I bought the ornaments that fit my mother's taste in angel ornaments. And then, throughout the year, I found more in department stores, tag sales, Cracker Barrels, etc. until I had a huge box-full. I laid them all out in an easily unlayered fashion, and I gave it to her for the next CMas. Then, when we took down the ornaments, I specifically separated the angels we already had and used a tin to store all the angels.
The next year as we got ready to decorate the tree, I got the white lights out, opened the Angel Tin, and said, "Well, we've got the Angel Tree all set to go up!"
And my mother made a strained, reluctant face and said, "Yes, but there are all these other ornaments that I'd miss." Because of, you know, sentimentality.
A full year of effort, thought and care, and she basically said, "Yeah, I never really meant all that talk about wanting to do something special. Thanks anyway."
Sore spots. When I pour that much time into a single pursuit, devoting myself to it completely, I kind of hope (expect?) the effort will be appreciated, not just shrugged off and ignored.
Anyway. Templates. I don't really go out of my way to do better than average any more when I know there's no reason to go that extra step. Perfunctory gifts.
Oddly, they get more out of perfunctory than from personal. Lesson learned.
Happy CMas tidings, huh?
.