Twas A Week Before CMas
I can't sleep.
Apparently, I'm all atwitter waiting for Santa to arrive. Tis the season, I suppose, what with all the goings-on.
F'rinstance: CMas horror movie trailers like this one. It's for the remake of 'Black Christmas' --the 1974 CMas slasher classic starring Margot Kidder, John Saxon and Olivia Hussey. Doubt its classic status? Let me repeat: it starred a buxom young woman whose name is Hussey. Anyway, the new movie is directed by Glen Morgan, the co-writer and producer of Final Destination and Final Destination 3 (aka the lesser 2/3 of the Final Destination 'thrillogy'), and it's got Michelle Trachtenberg. I'm almost positive she dies. I could probably find out by searching for spoilers, but actually, I'm okay with just the trailer, I think.
But the horror route is a little too in-your-face for a lot of CMas celebraters, and they'd prefer something more restive, something like, say, a 24-hour-long HDTV broadcast of a burning log (otherwise known as (chimney)Sweeps week programming). The Yule Log is a television tradition, stretching back to 1966, but that's the old version, the classic 3-hour special version of a log burning while CMas oldies play in the background. In 2003, an HDTV version was filmed by a competitor, and this year, it's actually become an issue of a ratings war between the two Logs. I'll probably watch the HDTV version when it doesn't matter, but switch to the WPIX classic when it comes on... I'll still probably flip back to the HD version periodically though to make sure I don't miss anything.
And you won't want to miss this CMas-themed Exclusive Commentary at World Net Daily, as it's written by the man who can slam a revolving door; the man who has two speeds: Walk and Kill; the man who has no chin under his beard...only another fist: Chuck Norris. As the sidebar advertises: "Where does Chuck Norris write? Anywhere he wants." And what does Chuck Norris write? Well, he presents hard-hitting facts of note, such as:
"A computer is present in 7 percent of preschoolers' bedrooms."
Chuck is worried about our nation's youth and is especially concerned about youngsters getting into trouble over CMas break. You know: joyriding, underage drinking, putting out an eye with that new BB gun... oh, sorry, I mean, you know: playing video games and watching TV in their rooms. Basically, the article comes down on the internet as a smut-encrusted dystopia where your children are nothing more than groin-candy for some pervert who may or may not have a belly like a bowl full of jelly, and how you can't just let them use the internet unsupervised during the holiday season; there are horrible things they could get into after all. How does Chuck know? Why careful, informed research, of course:
"If somehow you've missed how the smut has crept into and desensitized the gaming culture in our society, you can read about it on Internet encyclopedias."
It's good to know that he's not against the internet completely, what with his advocacy of both wikipedia and, one assumes, worldnetdaily.com. Chuck Norris is merely against your children touching it. They might "accidentally call up a pornographic picture, pop-up, ad or site" by bringing up Google. After all, some twisted pervert made it easy, what with that "I'm feeling lucky" button; for shame, Google, you smut peddler, you. But where is the CMas message in all this? Chuck can't just be tentatively linking the season to the sleazin', can he? No, he's got a present in mind: an online V-Chip. And it's not just to save the kids:
"The additional benefit of getting [Max Internet Predator Guard] for the kids is it also protects the adults in the household. As most are all too aware, Internet pornography is one of the greatest threats to relational intimacy. Could there be a better Christmas gift? "
How about a stickuptheassectomy, Chick Chuck? I hear they're all the rage with the kids these days.
Actually, that puts me in a consumerist mindset, and after watching this Wal-Mart commercial from last CMas, I realize that perhaps all anyone wants to see under the tree is technology. After all, if you pay attention, you'll notice every present that Destiny's Child's family gave each other last year came from the Electronics section ... with the single exception of the ball Beyonce's nephew got ... but even that was a push-button-electronic-music-starts gadget. Also, the three Destiny's Child members apparently use their new video cameras to separately film each other unwrapping a new video camera each. Not sure how that works without some sort of staging.
A note: I'm not avoiding typing 'Christmas' when I replace it with 'CMas' because I'm uncomfortable with the 'Christ' in the word. No, I'm avoiding typing 'Christmas' when I replace it with 'CMas' because I don't like having to pound out a nine-letter word when a four-letter word does the job just as well. lol. It's in much the same line as celebrating a BDay, VDay or, technically, D-Day (although --fun fact-- the D in D-Day actually just stands for 'Day'). I've likewise begun making casual reference to NYears, TGive, StPDay, MaDay, PaDay, and FoStJBap (the Feast of Saint John the Baptist - June 24).
But yes, as I mentioned a couple hours ago realtime, I can't sleep.
I guess what it all comes down to is that, when it comes to Christmas Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve, we're all just kids at heart.
...but hopefully not these kids:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a8q-elxC6gU&NR
I really, really hope not those kids.
.
Apparently, I'm all atwitter waiting for Santa to arrive. Tis the season, I suppose, what with all the goings-on.
F'rinstance: CMas horror movie trailers like this one. It's for the remake of 'Black Christmas' --the 1974 CMas slasher classic starring Margot Kidder, John Saxon and Olivia Hussey. Doubt its classic status? Let me repeat: it starred a buxom young woman whose name is Hussey. Anyway, the new movie is directed by Glen Morgan, the co-writer and producer of Final Destination and Final Destination 3 (aka the lesser 2/3 of the Final Destination 'thrillogy'), and it's got Michelle Trachtenberg. I'm almost positive she dies. I could probably find out by searching for spoilers, but actually, I'm okay with just the trailer, I think.
But the horror route is a little too in-your-face for a lot of CMas celebraters, and they'd prefer something more restive, something like, say, a 24-hour-long HDTV broadcast of a burning log (otherwise known as (chimney)Sweeps week programming). The Yule Log is a television tradition, stretching back to 1966, but that's the old version, the classic 3-hour special version of a log burning while CMas oldies play in the background. In 2003, an HDTV version was filmed by a competitor, and this year, it's actually become an issue of a ratings war between the two Logs. I'll probably watch the HDTV version when it doesn't matter, but switch to the WPIX classic when it comes on... I'll still probably flip back to the HD version periodically though to make sure I don't miss anything.
And you won't want to miss this CMas-themed Exclusive Commentary at World Net Daily, as it's written by the man who can slam a revolving door; the man who has two speeds: Walk and Kill; the man who has no chin under his beard...only another fist: Chuck Norris. As the sidebar advertises: "Where does Chuck Norris write? Anywhere he wants." And what does Chuck Norris write? Well, he presents hard-hitting facts of note, such as:
"A computer is present in 7 percent of preschoolers' bedrooms."
Chuck is worried about our nation's youth and is especially concerned about youngsters getting into trouble over CMas break. You know: joyriding, underage drinking, putting out an eye with that new BB gun... oh, sorry, I mean, you know: playing video games and watching TV in their rooms. Basically, the article comes down on the internet as a smut-encrusted dystopia where your children are nothing more than groin-candy for some pervert who may or may not have a belly like a bowl full of jelly, and how you can't just let them use the internet unsupervised during the holiday season; there are horrible things they could get into after all. How does Chuck know? Why careful, informed research, of course:
"If somehow you've missed how the smut has crept into and desensitized the gaming culture in our society, you can read about it on Internet encyclopedias."
It's good to know that he's not against the internet completely, what with his advocacy of both wikipedia and, one assumes, worldnetdaily.com. Chuck Norris is merely against your children touching it. They might "accidentally call up a pornographic picture, pop-up, ad or site" by bringing up Google. After all, some twisted pervert made it easy, what with that "I'm feeling lucky" button; for shame, Google, you smut peddler, you. But where is the CMas message in all this? Chuck can't just be tentatively linking the season to the sleazin', can he? No, he's got a present in mind: an online V-Chip. And it's not just to save the kids:
"The additional benefit of getting [Max Internet Predator Guard] for the kids is it also protects the adults in the household. As most are all too aware, Internet pornography is one of the greatest threats to relational intimacy. Could there be a better Christmas gift? "
How about a stickuptheassectomy, Chick Chuck? I hear they're all the rage with the kids these days.
Actually, that puts me in a consumerist mindset, and after watching this Wal-Mart commercial from last CMas, I realize that perhaps all anyone wants to see under the tree is technology. After all, if you pay attention, you'll notice every present that Destiny's Child's family gave each other last year came from the Electronics section ... with the single exception of the ball Beyonce's nephew got ... but even that was a push-button-electronic-music-starts gadget. Also, the three Destiny's Child members apparently use their new video cameras to separately film each other unwrapping a new video camera each. Not sure how that works without some sort of staging.
A note: I'm not avoiding typing 'Christmas' when I replace it with 'CMas' because I'm uncomfortable with the 'Christ' in the word. No, I'm avoiding typing 'Christmas' when I replace it with 'CMas' because I don't like having to pound out a nine-letter word when a four-letter word does the job just as well. lol. It's in much the same line as celebrating a BDay, VDay or, technically, D-Day (although --fun fact-- the D in D-Day actually just stands for 'Day'). I've likewise begun making casual reference to NYears, TGive, StPDay, MaDay, PaDay, and FoStJBap (the Feast of Saint John the Baptist - June 24).
But yes, as I mentioned a couple hours ago realtime, I can't sleep.
I guess what it all comes down to is that, when it comes to Christmas Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve, we're all just kids at heart.
...but hopefully not these kids:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a8q-elxC6gU&NR
I really, really hope not those kids.
.