These Minimates Have 13 Points To Articulate!
Almost exactly one year ago, I posted this "review" of a series of Marvel Minimates. Oh, those were good times, weren't they?
I don't make fun of toys nearly as much as I should/could/chestergould. And since Sketch sent me a link to the Kitty Pride Minimate phasing gif (seen here), it seems like a perfect opportunity to correct that situation.
Instead of focusing on one set this time, I'll take a slightly more inclusive route... partially in deference to Marvel Ultimate Alliance, which has now proven itself capable of walking on water with the best of them. ...But also partially because there are too many unbelievable figures to fit in just one Collectible Box Set.
Take, for example, the other figure in the above-linked article, Astonishing X-Men Beast:
"Ooh, Trish Tilby, look at all this sexy you're missing out on. Oh, mama, I'm so slippery from all this animal musk that my spaghetti straps are just falling off my shoulders! Oopsy-buttons!"
...Actually, from the look on his face, I think it may be a little more like:
"Are you happy now, Scott? You wouldn't just let me get a new wardrobe. 'Imperative budget requests only' you said. Well, reap the bitter fruit, Scott. I've got a press conference in fifteen minutes on the X-Men's stance on family values and all that's clean is the space suit I wore that time when Magneto put Gambit on trial and I was four sizes smaller. I'm mutating, Scott. Monthly, weekly, issue-ly. So whatsay we give cuddly ol' catfaced Hank a big wad o' X-cash and a ride to the Big-n-Tall Store, or else I'll go back to wearing nothing but the navy Speedo. Trust me Scott when I say that that would reveal more bestial bits and pieces than you want the kids here to see."
But Cyclops isn't listening. As you can tell from this:
"HAHAHAHAHEEHEEHA! Quick, somebody take my picture! The science museum rocks the block!"
"But, Riiiiiiicky! I wanna be in your shoooow! Don't make me turn you into a mental veeeeegetable like Ethel!"
...Sorry. I just realized I totally just ignored my whole 'not only about the X-Men' thing. Oh, okay, here we go. It's a non-mutant with something to say:
"I swear, officer. I fell down the stairs. I fell. I'm a symbol of America during the Ford years. Get it?"
"WHY IN GOD'S NAME ARE MY ACCESSORIES
A DILDO AND A BUTTPLUG?!? WHAT!? THE HELL!?"
"Shut the hell up, Johnny. I'm made of stone, and this thing still cut into my crack."
Human Torch: Haha, I'm gonna change your name on Marvel.com to 'The Thong'!"
The Thong: Hey, Johnny, that dildo's taller than you are. How'd ya like it crammed up yer ass an' stickin' a leg-length out'cher mouth?
Human Torch: Uh oh. Iceman, a little help here?
"Bukkake-Ha-Me HAAAAAA!"
The Thong: You just outgayed Johnny. You must be proud.
Human Torch: Pride's what we're all about! ...Imean, 'they'. What they're all about.
"Heeeey, Tiger. Take a walk on the Wild Side.
I said, Heeeeeey, Tiger. Take a walk on the Wild Side."
Doot. Da-doot.
Da-doot. Doot-da-doot.
Doot. Da-doot.
Da-doot. Doot-da-doot.
The Thong: Oh. My. G-d.
ANYWAY.
"Hey. Dj'you ever wonder what I looked like in my youth? Well, wonder no more, 'cause I'll tell you!"
"Does it bother anybody else that criminals murdered my whole family? That kind of thing just bugs me, I guess, but maybe I'm ... Over. Reacting."
"Heh. So... tired. Up... late... watching...porn... that I... directed. Beach porn. Heh. My star totally got sand down her pants. Heh. Heh."
The Thong: What. The Fuck.
Cap: Iceman? Can I talk to you for a sec?
.
I don't make fun of toys nearly as much as I should/could/chestergould. And since Sketch sent me a link to the Kitty Pride Minimate phasing gif (seen here), it seems like a perfect opportunity to correct that situation.
Instead of focusing on one set this time, I'll take a slightly more inclusive route... partially in deference to Marvel Ultimate Alliance, which has now proven itself capable of walking on water with the best of them. ...But also partially because there are too many unbelievable figures to fit in just one Collectible Box Set.
Take, for example, the other figure in the above-linked article, Astonishing X-Men Beast:
"Ooh, Trish Tilby, look at all this sexy you're missing out on. Oh, mama, I'm so slippery from all this animal musk that my spaghetti straps are just falling off my shoulders! Oopsy-buttons!"
...Actually, from the look on his face, I think it may be a little more like:
"Are you happy now, Scott? You wouldn't just let me get a new wardrobe. 'Imperative budget requests only' you said. Well, reap the bitter fruit, Scott. I've got a press conference in fifteen minutes on the X-Men's stance on family values and all that's clean is the space suit I wore that time when Magneto put Gambit on trial and I was four sizes smaller. I'm mutating, Scott. Monthly, weekly, issue-ly. So whatsay we give cuddly ol' catfaced Hank a big wad o' X-cash and a ride to the Big-n-Tall Store, or else I'll go back to wearing nothing but the navy Speedo. Trust me Scott when I say that that would reveal more bestial bits and pieces than you want the kids here to see."
But Cyclops isn't listening. As you can tell from this:
"HAHAHAHAHEEHEEHA! Quick, somebody take my picture! The science museum rocks the block!"
"But, Riiiiiiicky! I wanna be in your shoooow! Don't make me turn you into a mental veeeeegetable like Ethel!"
...Sorry. I just realized I totally just ignored my whole 'not only about the X-Men' thing. Oh, okay, here we go. It's a non-mutant with something to say:
"I swear, officer. I fell down the stairs. I fell. I'm a symbol of America during the Ford years. Get it?"
"WHY IN GOD'S NAME ARE MY ACCESSORIES
A DILDO AND A BUTTPLUG?!? WHAT!? THE HELL!?"
"Shut the hell up, Johnny. I'm made of stone, and this thing still cut into my crack."
Human Torch: Haha, I'm gonna change your name on Marvel.com to 'The Thong'!"
The Thong: Hey, Johnny, that dildo's taller than you are. How'd ya like it crammed up yer ass an' stickin' a leg-length out'cher mouth?
Human Torch: Uh oh. Iceman, a little help here?
"Bukkake-Ha-Me HAAAAAA!"
The Thong: You just outgayed Johnny. You must be proud.
Human Torch: Pride's what we're all about! ...Imean, 'they'. What they're all about.
"Heeeey, Tiger. Take a walk on the Wild Side.
I said, Heeeeeey, Tiger. Take a walk on the Wild Side."
Doot. Da-doot.
Da-doot. Doot-da-doot.
Doot. Da-doot.
Da-doot. Doot-da-doot.
The Thong: Oh. My. G-d.
ANYWAY.
"Hey. Dj'you ever wonder what I looked like in my youth? Well, wonder no more, 'cause I'll tell you!"
"Does it bother anybody else that criminals murdered my whole family? That kind of thing just bugs me, I guess, but maybe I'm ... Over. Reacting."
"Heh. So... tired. Up... late... watching...porn... that I... directed. Beach porn. Heh. My star totally got sand down her pants. Heh. Heh."
The Thong: What. The Fuck.
Cap: Iceman? Can I talk to you for a sec?
.