Making Fun of Spam: Part 9 in an Ongoing Series
Oh, humor. Everybody wants in on the action. I know this for a fact. No one can resist a good bait-and-switch.
So when I opened up my inbox today and found a spam telling me to say no to drugs, I was a bit skeptical.
And rightfully so.
SAY NO TO DRUGS!
If you are always in good spirits, have devoted and cool friends,
stunning girlfriend, huge salary, if you never have hang-over and
you've never visited a dentist...
SAY NO TO DRUGS :) It's a joke of course...
Our offer is the following:
- cheap medications;
- all kinds of medications against
erectile disfunction;
- wide range of anti-depresants;
- 1 minute of your time;
- full privacy;
- 100% results;
That's all we offer you!
Visit the site.
HAHAHAHAHA! They totally got you, didn't they, with their "say no to drugs" opener, and then their buildup and reiteration of "Say no to drugs" before hilariously 180-ing straight into a sales pitch for anti-depressants. Oh, I'm laughing so hard I might cry.
All right, let's take this grammatical and parsing-wise nightmare one step at a time, shall we?
To start, if you've got all those things, why do you need drugs? That's the joke, right? Because they set up an if-then situation, then negated the Then part?
Of course not. They're asking you to assume the If part was a joke, since you, dear reader, are obviously depressed, surrounded by hateful and awful monsters, lonely or trapped in a hellish relationship with an ugly woman, making no money, and have a mouth full of cavities and scissor-teeth because your crappy job has no dental plan.
"Yeah," this spam seems to say, "We both know how big a loser you are when you're clean. Let's take away the part about you knowing it, shall we?"
By the way, what drugs will help you get a better job? Are you supposed to deal on the side? Use the erectile aids and start turning tricks? Anti-depressants to become a clown?
What's their offer again?
Our offer is the following:
- cheap medications;
- all kinds of medications against
erectile disfunction;
- wide range of anti-depresants;
- 1 minute of your time;
- full privacy;
- 100% results;
Okay, the first three things they offer are covered in the first item. Also, are they giving/selling you back a minute? No, this list will never do. Don't worry; I'll fix it.
Our REVISED offer is the following as of 15:45 8/6/06:
- cheap medications to combat the following:
*erectile dysfunction;
*depression;
*severe pain;
*social awkwardness;
*unemployment;
*AND MORE!
- it'll only take 1 minute of your time to swallow each pill;
- full privacy...JUST KIDDING! HAHA! GET A LOAD OF THIS LOSER
WHO ACTUALLY CLICKED ON OUR LINK! MOCK HIM AND HIS
TEENY WEENY PEENY AND HIS LACK OF FRIENDS OR GAINFUL
EMPLOYMENT! ...But seriously, guys,
do buy our drugs from him. He's good people;
- 100% results...it's just, well, we can't really
guarantee that the results will be positive for you.
But we can say for damn sure...that there will be results.;
There. That's better.
.
So when I opened up my inbox today and found a spam telling me to say no to drugs, I was a bit skeptical.
And rightfully so.
SAY NO TO DRUGS!
If you are always in good spirits, have devoted and cool friends,
stunning girlfriend, huge salary, if you never have hang-over and
you've never visited a dentist...
SAY NO TO DRUGS :) It's a joke of course...
Our offer is the following:
- cheap medications;
- all kinds of medications against
erectile disfunction;
- wide range of anti-depresants;
- 1 minute of your time;
- full privacy;
- 100% results;
That's all we offer you!
Visit the site.
HAHAHAHAHA! They totally got you, didn't they, with their "say no to drugs" opener, and then their buildup and reiteration of "Say no to drugs" before hilariously 180-ing straight into a sales pitch for anti-depressants. Oh, I'm laughing so hard I might cry.
All right, let's take this grammatical and parsing-wise nightmare one step at a time, shall we?
To start, if you've got all those things, why do you need drugs? That's the joke, right? Because they set up an if-then situation, then negated the Then part?
Of course not. They're asking you to assume the If part was a joke, since you, dear reader, are obviously depressed, surrounded by hateful and awful monsters, lonely or trapped in a hellish relationship with an ugly woman, making no money, and have a mouth full of cavities and scissor-teeth because your crappy job has no dental plan.
"Yeah," this spam seems to say, "We both know how big a loser you are when you're clean. Let's take away the part about you knowing it, shall we?"
By the way, what drugs will help you get a better job? Are you supposed to deal on the side? Use the erectile aids and start turning tricks? Anti-depressants to become a clown?
What's their offer again?
Our offer is the following:
- cheap medications;
- all kinds of medications against
erectile disfunction;
- wide range of anti-depresants;
- 1 minute of your time;
- full privacy;
- 100% results;
Okay, the first three things they offer are covered in the first item. Also, are they giving/selling you back a minute? No, this list will never do. Don't worry; I'll fix it.
Our REVISED offer is the following as of 15:45 8/6/06:
- cheap medications to combat the following:
*erectile dysfunction;
*depression;
*severe pain;
*social awkwardness;
*unemployment;
*AND MORE!
- it'll only take 1 minute of your time to swallow each pill;
- full privacy...JUST KIDDING! HAHA! GET A LOAD OF THIS LOSER
WHO ACTUALLY CLICKED ON OUR LINK! MOCK HIM AND HIS
TEENY WEENY PEENY AND HIS LACK OF FRIENDS OR GAINFUL
EMPLOYMENT! ...But seriously, guys,
do buy our drugs from him. He's good people;
- 100% results...it's just, well, we can't really
guarantee that the results will be positive for you.
But we can say for damn sure...that there will be results.;
There. That's better.
.