Cryptic Cross Words
Last night, while mocking a horrible movie from the 70s called "The Werewolf Vs. The Vampire Woman," xenosauridae and I missed out on an entire five minutes or so of the movie (a scene introducing a rapist cartdriver, I believe) because we got into a host-segment-style discussion of how specifically crucifix-y a cross has to be to repel a vampire. After all, the movie's main weapon was a silver cross with a dagger in the end...otherwise known as a silver-hilted dagger.
So, we wondered, would a regular dagger with a hilt work just as well? What about other mildly cross-like items? Breadsticks? Tire irons? Where do you draw the line? (Answer: Perpendicularly.)
Well, I didn't feel that enough vampires were scared witless during our conversation, so I'm scaring them all now.
Vampire: NOOOO! Golgotha-like telephone poles!
Vampire: What an honor to receive the highest award for heroism or extraordinary achievement in aerial combat! Oh crap, it's a Distinguished Flying Cross!
Vampire: Who cares if that lowercase letter t is a cross? It's in COMIC SANS! THE HORROR! THE HOOOOOOORROOOOOOOR!...Buffy, I love you.
Vampire: Damn you, you F. Murray Abraham wannabe! You're sitting crosslegged!
Vampire: Jerry Lewis is crosseyed! Worse, it's Jerry Lewis! Froinlaven!
Vampire: Ew. Ew. Ew. Crossdresser.
Vampire: Oh totally for sure! Keep that motocross, like, away from me!
Vampire: Lacrosse?! Help me! I'd rather stake myself!
Vampire: WHO REMEMBERS MACROSS? I DON'T. But it still sucks. Even more than I do.
Vampire: Kriss Kross'll make me jump, jump, honky!
Vampire: Oh, God? I haven't talked to you for a while, but God! It's the fscking hosts of fscking Crossfire!
Vampire: People, I ask you: Isn't a Cory-Christopher-David Cross triptych going a bit too far?
Vampire: That. ...little. ...cross-stitched. ...girl. ...is cross-stitching? She's...DOUBLE CROSS-STITCHING?!
Vampire: AAAAAAUUUUUUGH! She's crossruffing!
Vampire: HAha, foolish human. That's not a cross. That's just an X.
It's lying on its side, so it won't w--OH-SHIT-THE-COMPASS-ROSE-BURNS!
.
.
So, we wondered, would a regular dagger with a hilt work just as well? What about other mildly cross-like items? Breadsticks? Tire irons? Where do you draw the line? (Answer: Perpendicularly.)
Well, I didn't feel that enough vampires were scared witless during our conversation, so I'm scaring them all now.
Vampire: NOOOO! Golgotha-like telephone poles!
Vampire: What an honor to receive the highest award for heroism or extraordinary achievement in aerial combat! Oh crap, it's a Distinguished Flying Cross!
Vampire: Who cares if that lowercase letter t is a cross? It's in COMIC SANS! THE HORROR! THE HOOOOOOORROOOOOOOR!...Buffy, I love you.
Vampire: Damn you, you F. Murray Abraham wannabe! You're sitting crosslegged!
Vampire: Jerry Lewis is crosseyed! Worse, it's Jerry Lewis! Froinlaven!
Vampire: Ew. Ew. Ew. Crossdresser.
Vampire: Oh totally for sure! Keep that motocross, like, away from me!
Vampire: Lacrosse?! Help me! I'd rather stake myself!
Vampire: WHO REMEMBERS MACROSS? I DON'T. But it still sucks. Even more than I do.
Vampire: Kriss Kross'll make me jump, jump, honky!
Vampire: Oh, God? I haven't talked to you for a while, but God! It's the fscking hosts of fscking Crossfire!
Vampire: People, I ask you: Isn't a Cory-Christopher-David Cross triptych going a bit too far?
Vampire: That. ...little. ...cross-stitched. ...girl. ...is cross-stitching? She's...DOUBLE CROSS-STITCHING?!
Vampire: AAAAAAUUUUUUGH! She's crossruffing!
Vampire: HAha, foolish human. That's not a cross. That's just an X.
It's lying on its side, so it won't w--OH-SHIT-THE-COMPASS-ROSE-BURNS!
.
.