"Tuesdays With Morning" by Mitch 'Photobucket' Albom
And now, the moment you've all been waiting for...
...or rather, the moment I've been forcing you to wait for...
It's the Tuesday Morning Awards!
With your host, Kit FitZimZims!
Presented by Nikon (ostensibly, since that's the brand of digital camera I own), and sponsored by Photobucket.com!
Photobucket.com provides image hosting for MySpace, eBay, blogs, message boards, and online photo albums. Photobucket is reliable, fast and very simple to use. Give it a try!
All the stars have come out for this once-in-a-livejournal event (it is, after all, 4 AM again as I'm typing this), and we wouldn't want them to get antsy, so let's get this show on the road!
Welcome, everybody, to the 2006 Tuesday Morning Awards! I'm your host, Kit FitZimZims, and I'd like to thank you for sticking with me through my adventures at New Hope Commons. I know some of those jokes were comic-book geekery, so I'll try to keep the Marvel/DC references to a bare minimum today. I'll get on the rewrites right away.
Of course, we can't have the Tuesday Morning Awards without Tuesday Morning, so let's give it a big round of applause. Tuesday Morning, everybody: the tchotchke closeout emporium of the common people. Without it, middle-aged middle-class women would never be able to outfit their houses with fairy statues and scented ceramics. Good on ya, Tuesday Morning. At least that keeps them out of New Hope Commons.
Well, that's enough sentimentalism from me. Let's kick these awards off right with the unveiling of the statuette all the winners receive: the Tuesday Morning Icon!
That's what we're all about here in The Bifurcation. Now, let's get on to our first award of the morning:
Most Disturbing Doll
Since the beginning of time, dolls have been evil. Chucky, Devil Doll, most ventriloquist dummies and every MacFarlane toy ever made. The Most Disturbing Doll Award is specifically designed to celebrate the unthinkable horror and outright jibblies given to the public by these sorts of dolls.
Well, the second runner-up is a princess, thought throughout history to be beautiful and perfect in every way. Fortunately, this doll sets that misconception straight. Remember hearing that royalty throughout the ages have married inside their own families to "keep the bloodline pure?" Remember hearing how that led to...
...inbreeding? This princess doll has to be left in its her special crib all day because her neck isn't able to support the weight of her hamburger-bun-shaped head. Her hands look like the kind of moles you have a dermatologist look at just in case, and regardless of the comparative size of her stomach, her eyes are certainly bigger than her mouth...they're bigger the way Jupiter is bigger than Earth. The silver sticker on her box reads, "Play 'n Pretty," which may mean she was originally slated to be a replacement for Kid.
Play: MY GOD! WHAT IS THAT THING?!
Kid: That...is The Pain.
First Runner Up for Most Disturbing Doll is actually disturbing on a different level. Yes, we here at The Bifurcation judge all entrants on their own merits, not on the basis of some bullshit rubric. This Doll is from a series of Barbies called 1 Modern Circle, featuring Kens and Barbies in the jobs that men and women of their high fashion aspire to. Other examples were Producer and Stylist, but this...
...this is special. Never mind that his zipper is on the wrong side (thus making that a woman's jacket). Never mind that he is an Art Director who can't afford a portfolio large enough for his work. Never mind that his office looks like a Montessori Pre-School.
No, let's focus instead on his hair. All the other Barbies have color stripes in their hair, sure, but Art Director Ken? Well, he wants us to remember the classics...classics like this:
Three women are in a beauty pageant. The first steps foward, and the judges admire her beautiful red hair...but it's the same red hair they always see. The second contestant steps forward, and the judges congratulate her on her chestnut locks...but it's the same brown hair as always. Finally the third woman steps forward. Her hair is blonde with a wide green streak right up the middle. The judges are in awe of the sheer ingenuity and creativity that must have gone into this hair, and they immediately give her First Prize. As she accepts her award, a judge hands her the mike and says, "Miss, we have to know. How did you manage to get that lovely streak in your hair?" And the blonde woman snorts a little as she sweeps her hand up her face and on up through her bangs, and she says, "What streak?"
Yes, Art Director Ken. You've streaked snot through your hair and reminded us of lunchtime conversation in elementary school. Thanks for that, so much.
Now, the winner of Most Disturbing Doll. It was a stiff competition this year, but really, when we weighed all the factors, we knew there could only be one real champion:
It's Madame, Jr. Or alternatively, a pale turtle tarted up to look like Goldie from Sin City.
Either way, she doesn't so much have a nose as she has a two-prong outlet. And she's a perfect example of why your art teacher is always telling you that you're supposed to draw eyes halfway up the head.
The fingers were interlaced like that when we got there, so don't blame us for how she appears to be inconspicuously trying to flick you all off. Perhaps she's just frustrated that the brothel isn't doing so well now that the Wild West has faded. Hopefully she'll be happier now that she's a TMA Winner.
So shuddering a bit as we go, we now move on to a retailer's favorite category:
Worst Niche Market
This award celebrates those products that don't just play to the lowest common denomintor, but go one step further and advertise to the metaphoric prime numbers, those deadend demographics that no one should ever be concerned with, but that somebody somewhere is.
This year's First Runner Up for Worst Niche Market is...Shorties!
Shorties is an entire line of playsets whose tagline is "Tall is sooo last year." Now all midgets will have fashionable dwarven dolls that they can aspire to be just like. So First Runner Up award goes to Shorties...as long as they don't thank all the little people.
But the award for Worst Niche Market goes to an even smaller set than pipsqueaks, and an even squeakier set as well. The award goes to...
...Paws 'n More!'s Monopoly Pieces for Dogs. For the discerning pet, the pooch who knows his way around the Boardwalk, the canine who's got two hotels on Ventnor Ave., for Uncle Pennybag's Best Friend, here is a chewtoy specially made to remind your pet of the pewter tokens he's eaten so many times.
It's also interesting that Tuesday Morning only had the terrier toy in stock.
And now on to our next award,
Most Ill-Advised Bubbles Product
This award goes to the product that --while emitting glycerin bubbles-- also radiates the concept of Bad Idea. This can be either due to inherent danger or just stupidity, but no matter what, the product is sure to be Ill-Advised.
The First Runner Up for this year's award for Most Ill-Advised Bubbles Product, therefore, is...
...The Magic Smokey Bubbler. We're not quite sure if it uses dry ice or actual combustion to make the smoke, but either way, it's completely illogical for a bubbles product. Either one is introducing kids to the concept of blowing smoke being fun. Blowing smoke is never fun, kids. Especially not when it's out your ass.
Hmm...cigarettes. Possibly a replacement for a thumb? Orally fixated much? Well, maybe not for cigarettes, but definitely for this year's winner of the award for Most Ill-Advised Bubbles Product:
...Straw Canette. Kids love using straws the wrong way. Give them a drink and a straw, and they'll blow bubbles in it. So, of course, Miracle Bubbles, Inc. said, why not capitalize on that by making a bubble-blowing contraption shaped like a can of soda. It doesn't seem to have occured to the makers (I didn't see a warning label) that a good number of kids actually use straws correctly. Sip, sip, get the ipecac. How many brain cells do you think ingested glycerin kills? We have a winner.
Next up on our itinerary, we have an award I keep snuggled close to my heart:
The Why's It Plush? Award
The Why's It Plush? Award goes to the product that is the cuddliest and most huggable...with the least reason. Examples include plush soda bottles and plush rakes. Anything that has no right being squeezably soft.
With that in mind, Runner-up goes to...
My Beauty Kit (good try sucking up, guys, but it's not quite there yet). A plush bag, I hear you audience members cry. Surely, a plush bag isn't all that strange? Of course it isn't, but this particular kit is completely made of plush implements. Observe:
Plush hairdryer
Plush daily enamel
Plush Teen's Lipstick
...and my personal favorite, the plush ocarina. Apparently, if I'm reading the directions correctly, you're supposed to write a new tune for it every 24 hours. In plush.
That was quite the in-depth look at makeup, wasn't it? Well, it's still only the Runner-up, because the winner of this year's Why's It Plush? Award goes to:
...Take&Make Cake Food Fun. Four slices of plush confectionery. With felt. ...Food should not be made of squishy, possibly scented material that can be stuck in a kid's mouth for imagined consumption.
On the plus side, it'll teach your kid about decimals, if only because it's only for children ages 2.5 and up.
By the way, are those things on top supposed to be plush icing flowers or plush actual flowers? Either way, why? Why's It Plush?
Interestingly, the Runner-Up for this next category is also plush. However, that isn't one of the requirements. Because the next award is for
Stupidest "My First _____"
The Stupidest "My First _____" Award goes to a product whose name starts with the words 'My First.' Children can't wait for their first steps or their first words or their first cars. However, it's unlikely that they'd be upset at missing out of this year's Runner-up:
...My First Scooby-Doo! Or rather, My First The-DOG!-style version of Scrappy-Doo. Yes, if you get this plush pet for your son, your spouse could give him a real Scooby-Doo stuffed animal, and that would still count as his "My First Scooby-Doo." A double plus...aka D+.
That seems a bit simple and self-explanatory. Let's try to get a wee bit more challenging and stimulating with the winner of this year's award for Stupidest "My First _____." And the winner is...
...My First Shape Sorter Rolling Cylinder.
Wow, that was a mouthful. It must be really easy to claim something as a First if you set the parameters small enough: "Yes, son, this box is full of memories. Look! This is your absolute first red and orange herringbone-patterned left shoelace with both ends reinforced with packing tape. Remember?"
Actually, look at the upper right corner. "Ages 3+"?! So the makers of this Shape Sorter Rolling Cylinder expect your child to not learn shapes until age 3? Or perhaps, they just don't want your child to roll said shapes around until then. Of course, if my child looked like the one on the box (another example of why you should draw the eyes halfway up the face), I think I'd keep him as sheltered as possible too.
Hey, and what about the standard shapes? A plus sign, a triangle, a circle, a quarter-circle, a star...so far so good...
...a duck. Um.
...a fish. Uh, okay.
...and a footstool. WHAT?
That's right, because when your children first learn their shapes, you need to make sure they can also differentiate between animals using nothing but stool samples.
God, that was a bad joke, wasn't it? God? God, huh? Well then, maybe it's time to award the
Most Awkward Religious Reference
This award is meant to highlight those valiant but fundementally flawed attempts to bring God into places where he probably has no place being (e.g. the downstairs bathroom).
This year's Awkward Religious Reference Runner-Up is...
...Heroes of Faith: Administrators & Guards playset.
When Daniel was pulled unharmed from the lions' den (set sold separately), those who falsely accused him of heresy got tossed (along with their families) into the den in Daniel's place. Now you can relive this amazing miracle of the Bible with the Administrators & Guards Playset. Dunk them in ketchup and get out your pocketknife and see real battle damage appear like magic God's own blessing upon mankind. Wrap them in catnip & let the housecat in on the fun! Don't worry, God let the king do it in the Bible; he won't care what you do to them now!
As for the winner, well, let's just say that it went out of its way to draw the connections that everyone's suspected for years. Observe the winner of this year's Most Awkward Religious Reference:
"And lo, there was no room in Indiana, so Martha and Jonathan took the babe, wrapped in swaddling clothes, and laid it in a small ville."
Well, we're down to the final two awards. Having covered all the specifics, it's time for the award everybody's clamoring for:
All-Around Failure
The equivalent of Best Picture, The All-Around Failure Award relies on the product's inability to seem rational in any situation. These products are just so sad, no other category is big enough to contain their shame.
Like the Most Disturbing Doll Award, this award is one of the toughest to judge, and so this award will also have a Second Runner-Up. And that 2nd Runner-Up is:
...The Noisy Body Book, complete with four buttons that make noises that your body makes. Yes, I can feel you going there. It's so nice to think that way, isn't it? And for those left in the dark, I bet you that if you make a list of the top 4 (non-speech) noises a body makes most often, you'll find that 'fart' is right there at #2, probably just behind 'yawn' or 'sneeze.'
By the way, that little boy's head is shaped like a piece of candy corn. Just thought I'd point that out.
On a more classical and refined note, the First Runner-Up for All-Around Failure is:
...the baby beethoven violin. Let's ignore the fact that the strings don't go up the neck. Let's forget that, in relation to the length of its bow, this thing is actually closer to a cello. Let's forget that it has five strings, not four, and that five-string violins are quite rare and often quite odd-looking. Let's move past all of that and look at the features, close up.
1) "Press buttons to hear..."
This toy teaches kids that the way to play a string instrument is by pressing buttons (which actually can be true, depending on what you count a piano as).
2) "Spin...to see fun graphics."
...and hopefully not notice that all of the so-called fun graphics being so cheerfully lauded are all either bloated musical notes or Snork-heads. Also, this teaches kids that the clattering noise coming from the rolling clicker is to be associated with the word 'music,' since that's the only place you see notes on the instrument.
3) "Slide bow...for clicking effect."
Okay, that's it. Kids, you get that? If you find a noisemaker with strings and a bow, it's going to be a percussion instrument.
To recap, button-pressing = string intruments, clicking beat = melody, and sliding a bow = percussion. As we said: an all-around failure.
So what could possibly top that, you wonder? Well, it would have to be something hard and fast, wouldn't it? Well, it is. The winner is something you probably should come to expect at a store renowned for taking whatever's leftover from other stores and trying to get people to buy it, regardless of worth or condition. The winner is a juxtaposition of ideas that strikes a chord with everyone, young and old, a chord that resonates to the tune of failure in D-minus. The winner of this year's All-Around Failure Award is none other than:
...an Ultimate Spiderman pencil cup. Sheesh. Not even the right comic company. You do have to admit though, Superman would be the ultimate Spiderman. "With great power comes great responsibility...to find the matching halves of our respective sets."
Oops, that's 2 comic book references now. Sorry about that.
In any case, we're at the end of the 2006 Tuesday Morning Awards. I'm your host, Kit FitZimZims, and I want you to remember both Nikon and Photobucket.com, without whom this event would not be possible. That goes double for Tuesday Morning itself.
TUESDAY MORNING: Stuffing hodgepodge shelves and garden sheds since Dungeons & Dragons was released.
But before we go, there's one more award to give out, and that's for
Ugliest Spokeskid
The Ugliest Spokeskid Award is intended to spotlight a face that will someday belong to a famous recluse, circus freak or radio DJ. Most of the time, the decisions are tough, but this winner was, literally, a no-brainer.
Without further ado, I give you the winner of the award for Ugliest Spokeskid:
"Mommy, I put my fingers in the Era bottle again. Can I lick it off?"
"Sure sweetie. It's not like another couple of ounces is going to double-retard you."
Thanks for sticking around for this enormous event. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I have. Now I have to go to sleep. I took nearly a half-hour retyping those last two sentences, trying to keep myself from falling into train of thought pitfalls. Not good. Sleepy now. Laugh? Hope so. Good, good, funny friendies. Good good, good bye.
.
...or rather, the moment I've been forcing you to wait for...
It's the Tuesday Morning Awards!
With your host, Kit FitZimZims!
Presented by Nikon (ostensibly, since that's the brand of digital camera I own), and sponsored by Photobucket.com!
Photobucket.com provides image hosting for MySpace, eBay, blogs, message boards, and online photo albums. Photobucket is reliable, fast and very simple to use. Give it a try!
All the stars have come out for this once-in-a-livejournal event (it is, after all, 4 AM again as I'm typing this), and we wouldn't want them to get antsy, so let's get this show on the road!
Welcome, everybody, to the 2006 Tuesday Morning Awards! I'm your host, Kit FitZimZims, and I'd like to thank you for sticking with me through my adventures at New Hope Commons. I know some of those jokes were comic-book geekery, so I'll try to keep the Marvel/DC references to a bare minimum today. I'll get on the rewrites right away.
Of course, we can't have the Tuesday Morning Awards without Tuesday Morning, so let's give it a big round of applause. Tuesday Morning, everybody: the tchotchke closeout emporium of the common people. Without it, middle-aged middle-class women would never be able to outfit their houses with fairy statues and scented ceramics. Good on ya, Tuesday Morning. At least that keeps them out of New Hope Commons.
Well, that's enough sentimentalism from me. Let's kick these awards off right with the unveiling of the statuette all the winners receive: the Tuesday Morning Icon!
That's what we're all about here in The Bifurcation. Now, let's get on to our first award of the morning:
Most Disturbing Doll
Since the beginning of time, dolls have been evil. Chucky, Devil Doll, most ventriloquist dummies and every MacFarlane toy ever made. The Most Disturbing Doll Award is specifically designed to celebrate the unthinkable horror and outright jibblies given to the public by these sorts of dolls.
Well, the second runner-up is a princess, thought throughout history to be beautiful and perfect in every way. Fortunately, this doll sets that misconception straight. Remember hearing that royalty throughout the ages have married inside their own families to "keep the bloodline pure?" Remember hearing how that led to...
...inbreeding? This princess doll has to be left in its her special crib all day because her neck isn't able to support the weight of her hamburger-bun-shaped head. Her hands look like the kind of moles you have a dermatologist look at just in case, and regardless of the comparative size of her stomach, her eyes are certainly bigger than her mouth...they're bigger the way Jupiter is bigger than Earth. The silver sticker on her box reads, "Play 'n Pretty," which may mean she was originally slated to be a replacement for Kid.
Play: MY GOD! WHAT IS THAT THING?!
Kid: That...is The Pain.
First Runner Up for Most Disturbing Doll is actually disturbing on a different level. Yes, we here at The Bifurcation judge all entrants on their own merits, not on the basis of some bullshit rubric. This Doll is from a series of Barbies called 1 Modern Circle, featuring Kens and Barbies in the jobs that men and women of their high fashion aspire to. Other examples were Producer and Stylist, but this...
...this is special. Never mind that his zipper is on the wrong side (thus making that a woman's jacket). Never mind that he is an Art Director who can't afford a portfolio large enough for his work. Never mind that his office looks like a Montessori Pre-School.
No, let's focus instead on his hair. All the other Barbies have color stripes in their hair, sure, but Art Director Ken? Well, he wants us to remember the classics...classics like this:
Three women are in a beauty pageant. The first steps foward, and the judges admire her beautiful red hair...but it's the same red hair they always see. The second contestant steps forward, and the judges congratulate her on her chestnut locks...but it's the same brown hair as always. Finally the third woman steps forward. Her hair is blonde with a wide green streak right up the middle. The judges are in awe of the sheer ingenuity and creativity that must have gone into this hair, and they immediately give her First Prize. As she accepts her award, a judge hands her the mike and says, "Miss, we have to know. How did you manage to get that lovely streak in your hair?" And the blonde woman snorts a little as she sweeps her hand up her face and on up through her bangs, and she says, "What streak?"
Yes, Art Director Ken. You've streaked snot through your hair and reminded us of lunchtime conversation in elementary school. Thanks for that, so much.
Now, the winner of Most Disturbing Doll. It was a stiff competition this year, but really, when we weighed all the factors, we knew there could only be one real champion:
It's Madame, Jr. Or alternatively, a pale turtle tarted up to look like Goldie from Sin City.
Either way, she doesn't so much have a nose as she has a two-prong outlet. And she's a perfect example of why your art teacher is always telling you that you're supposed to draw eyes halfway up the head.
The fingers were interlaced like that when we got there, so don't blame us for how she appears to be inconspicuously trying to flick you all off. Perhaps she's just frustrated that the brothel isn't doing so well now that the Wild West has faded. Hopefully she'll be happier now that she's a TMA Winner.
So shuddering a bit as we go, we now move on to a retailer's favorite category:
Worst Niche Market
This award celebrates those products that don't just play to the lowest common denomintor, but go one step further and advertise to the metaphoric prime numbers, those deadend demographics that no one should ever be concerned with, but that somebody somewhere is.
This year's First Runner Up for Worst Niche Market is...Shorties!
Shorties is an entire line of playsets whose tagline is "Tall is sooo last year." Now all midgets will have fashionable dwarven dolls that they can aspire to be just like. So First Runner Up award goes to Shorties...as long as they don't thank all the little people.
But the award for Worst Niche Market goes to an even smaller set than pipsqueaks, and an even squeakier set as well. The award goes to...
...Paws 'n More!'s Monopoly Pieces for Dogs. For the discerning pet, the pooch who knows his way around the Boardwalk, the canine who's got two hotels on Ventnor Ave., for Uncle Pennybag's Best Friend, here is a chewtoy specially made to remind your pet of the pewter tokens he's eaten so many times.
It's also interesting that Tuesday Morning only had the terrier toy in stock.
And now on to our next award,
Most Ill-Advised Bubbles Product
This award goes to the product that --while emitting glycerin bubbles-- also radiates the concept of Bad Idea. This can be either due to inherent danger or just stupidity, but no matter what, the product is sure to be Ill-Advised.
The First Runner Up for this year's award for Most Ill-Advised Bubbles Product, therefore, is...
...The Magic Smokey Bubbler. We're not quite sure if it uses dry ice or actual combustion to make the smoke, but either way, it's completely illogical for a bubbles product. Either one is introducing kids to the concept of blowing smoke being fun. Blowing smoke is never fun, kids. Especially not when it's out your ass.
Hmm...cigarettes. Possibly a replacement for a thumb? Orally fixated much? Well, maybe not for cigarettes, but definitely for this year's winner of the award for Most Ill-Advised Bubbles Product:
...Straw Canette. Kids love using straws the wrong way. Give them a drink and a straw, and they'll blow bubbles in it. So, of course, Miracle Bubbles, Inc. said, why not capitalize on that by making a bubble-blowing contraption shaped like a can of soda. It doesn't seem to have occured to the makers (I didn't see a warning label) that a good number of kids actually use straws correctly. Sip, sip, get the ipecac. How many brain cells do you think ingested glycerin kills? We have a winner.
Next up on our itinerary, we have an award I keep snuggled close to my heart:
The Why's It Plush? Award
The Why's It Plush? Award goes to the product that is the cuddliest and most huggable...with the least reason. Examples include plush soda bottles and plush rakes. Anything that has no right being squeezably soft.
With that in mind, Runner-up goes to...
My Beauty Kit (good try sucking up, guys, but it's not quite there yet). A plush bag, I hear you audience members cry. Surely, a plush bag isn't all that strange? Of course it isn't, but this particular kit is completely made of plush implements. Observe:
Plush hairdryer
Plush daily enamel
Plush Teen's Lipstick
...and my personal favorite, the plush ocarina. Apparently, if I'm reading the directions correctly, you're supposed to write a new tune for it every 24 hours. In plush.
That was quite the in-depth look at makeup, wasn't it? Well, it's still only the Runner-up, because the winner of this year's Why's It Plush? Award goes to:
...Take&Make Cake Food Fun. Four slices of plush confectionery. With felt. ...Food should not be made of squishy, possibly scented material that can be stuck in a kid's mouth for imagined consumption.
On the plus side, it'll teach your kid about decimals, if only because it's only for children ages 2.5 and up.
By the way, are those things on top supposed to be plush icing flowers or plush actual flowers? Either way, why? Why's It Plush?
Interestingly, the Runner-Up for this next category is also plush. However, that isn't one of the requirements. Because the next award is for
Stupidest "My First _____"
The Stupidest "My First _____" Award goes to a product whose name starts with the words 'My First.' Children can't wait for their first steps or their first words or their first cars. However, it's unlikely that they'd be upset at missing out of this year's Runner-up:
...My First Scooby-Doo! Or rather, My First The-DOG!-style version of Scrappy-Doo. Yes, if you get this plush pet for your son, your spouse could give him a real Scooby-Doo stuffed animal, and that would still count as his "My First Scooby-Doo." A double plus...aka D+.
That seems a bit simple and self-explanatory. Let's try to get a wee bit more challenging and stimulating with the winner of this year's award for Stupidest "My First _____." And the winner is...
...My First Shape Sorter Rolling Cylinder.
Wow, that was a mouthful. It must be really easy to claim something as a First if you set the parameters small enough: "Yes, son, this box is full of memories. Look! This is your absolute first red and orange herringbone-patterned left shoelace with both ends reinforced with packing tape. Remember?"
Actually, look at the upper right corner. "Ages 3+"?! So the makers of this Shape Sorter Rolling Cylinder expect your child to not learn shapes until age 3? Or perhaps, they just don't want your child to roll said shapes around until then. Of course, if my child looked like the one on the box (another example of why you should draw the eyes halfway up the face), I think I'd keep him as sheltered as possible too.
Hey, and what about the standard shapes? A plus sign, a triangle, a circle, a quarter-circle, a star...so far so good...
...a duck. Um.
...a fish. Uh, okay.
...and a footstool. WHAT?
That's right, because when your children first learn their shapes, you need to make sure they can also differentiate between animals using nothing but stool samples.
God, that was a bad joke, wasn't it? God? God, huh? Well then, maybe it's time to award the
Most Awkward Religious Reference
This award is meant to highlight those valiant but fundementally flawed attempts to bring God into places where he probably has no place being (e.g. the downstairs bathroom).
This year's Awkward Religious Reference Runner-Up is...
...Heroes of Faith: Administrators & Guards playset.
When Daniel was pulled unharmed from the lions' den (set sold separately), those who falsely accused him of heresy got tossed (along with their families) into the den in Daniel's place. Now you can relive this amazing miracle of the Bible with the Administrators & Guards Playset. Dunk them in ketchup and get out your pocketknife and see real battle damage appear like magic God's own blessing upon mankind. Wrap them in catnip & let the housecat in on the fun! Don't worry, God let the king do it in the Bible; he won't care what you do to them now!
As for the winner, well, let's just say that it went out of its way to draw the connections that everyone's suspected for years. Observe the winner of this year's Most Awkward Religious Reference:
"And lo, there was no room in Indiana, so Martha and Jonathan took the babe, wrapped in swaddling clothes, and laid it in a small ville."
Well, we're down to the final two awards. Having covered all the specifics, it's time for the award everybody's clamoring for:
All-Around Failure
The equivalent of Best Picture, The All-Around Failure Award relies on the product's inability to seem rational in any situation. These products are just so sad, no other category is big enough to contain their shame.
Like the Most Disturbing Doll Award, this award is one of the toughest to judge, and so this award will also have a Second Runner-Up. And that 2nd Runner-Up is:
...The Noisy Body Book, complete with four buttons that make noises that your body makes. Yes, I can feel you going there. It's so nice to think that way, isn't it? And for those left in the dark, I bet you that if you make a list of the top 4 (non-speech) noises a body makes most often, you'll find that 'fart' is right there at #2, probably just behind 'yawn' or 'sneeze.'
By the way, that little boy's head is shaped like a piece of candy corn. Just thought I'd point that out.
On a more classical and refined note, the First Runner-Up for All-Around Failure is:
...the baby beethoven violin. Let's ignore the fact that the strings don't go up the neck. Let's forget that, in relation to the length of its bow, this thing is actually closer to a cello. Let's forget that it has five strings, not four, and that five-string violins are quite rare and often quite odd-looking. Let's move past all of that and look at the features, close up.
1) "Press buttons to hear..."
This toy teaches kids that the way to play a string instrument is by pressing buttons (which actually can be true, depending on what you count a piano as).
2) "Spin...to see fun graphics."
...and hopefully not notice that all of the so-called fun graphics being so cheerfully lauded are all either bloated musical notes or Snork-heads. Also, this teaches kids that the clattering noise coming from the rolling clicker is to be associated with the word 'music,' since that's the only place you see notes on the instrument.
3) "Slide bow...for clicking effect."
Okay, that's it. Kids, you get that? If you find a noisemaker with strings and a bow, it's going to be a percussion instrument.
To recap, button-pressing = string intruments, clicking beat = melody, and sliding a bow = percussion. As we said: an all-around failure.
So what could possibly top that, you wonder? Well, it would have to be something hard and fast, wouldn't it? Well, it is. The winner is something you probably should come to expect at a store renowned for taking whatever's leftover from other stores and trying to get people to buy it, regardless of worth or condition. The winner is a juxtaposition of ideas that strikes a chord with everyone, young and old, a chord that resonates to the tune of failure in D-minus. The winner of this year's All-Around Failure Award is none other than:
...an Ultimate Spiderman pencil cup. Sheesh. Not even the right comic company. You do have to admit though, Superman would be the ultimate Spiderman. "With great power comes great responsibility...to find the matching halves of our respective sets."
Oops, that's 2 comic book references now. Sorry about that.
In any case, we're at the end of the 2006 Tuesday Morning Awards. I'm your host, Kit FitZimZims, and I want you to remember both Nikon and Photobucket.com, without whom this event would not be possible. That goes double for Tuesday Morning itself.
TUESDAY MORNING: Stuffing hodgepodge shelves and garden sheds since Dungeons & Dragons was released.
But before we go, there's one more award to give out, and that's for
Ugliest Spokeskid
The Ugliest Spokeskid Award is intended to spotlight a face that will someday belong to a famous recluse, circus freak or radio DJ. Most of the time, the decisions are tough, but this winner was, literally, a no-brainer.
Without further ado, I give you the winner of the award for Ugliest Spokeskid:
"Mommy, I put my fingers in the Era bottle again. Can I lick it off?"
"Sure sweetie. It's not like another couple of ounces is going to double-retard you."
Thanks for sticking around for this enormous event. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I have. Now I have to go to sleep. I took nearly a half-hour retyping those last two sentences, trying to keep myself from falling into train of thought pitfalls. Not good. Sleepy now. Laugh? Hope so. Good, good, funny friendies. Good good, good bye.
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