Beginings...

[kissytina]

Always a first time for everything, everything always has a beginning, heres mine... Shall I use this as a refuge? anger management? my own pity party? Where only the brave are invited? I do have good days don't get me wrong, I guess today is just not one of them... Its 3am, I am eagerly anticipating a phone call from my husband today, I get to talk to him approximately every 4-8 days, I feel lucky. I miss him terribly, its been about 7 months now since I have seen his face... held his hand... If all goes as planned, he will be home with me by September. I am excited, but I have my fears. I wonder if he will bond with his daughter, the daughter he has yet to meet. I wonder if him and our first daughter will still be so close... I fear he will be ashamed, or afraid of what he has done or seen. I fear not saying or doing the right things to make him comfortable with me again... How dare I be so selfish, how dare I worry about how I will feel, I cannot imagine how he must feel. Well, tomorrow I don't leave the house, in fear I miss that amazing 20 minute, 3 second delay, satellite phone call, it only disconnects once or twice ... I must tell him I love him with hello and goodbye.. He asks about his angels, though you can tell it hurts him to hear about their accomplishments and milestones hes missing. Its worth it all to me, we are proud. But I still whine...
Tomorrow will be a better day, tomorrow I will smile.