Slowly figuring out how to live this life
I'm sorry this is so long...But I hope that you read it anyway...maybe someone unexpected can shed some light.
There is no way to describe how I feel or what today was all about. You know I'm starting to think I'll never know. I don't even know what I want to know. I just have this need to know something. I know I keep saying that I want to know whats wrong with me, but supposedly whats wrong with me is depression, suppresed feelings, and post traumatic stress syndrome(according to my old therapist). Whats it all mean? I don't know. Maybe I'm not supposed to. But you know, I'm Amy I'm always ok and I'm always happy. Cause nothing ever phaze's me. OK so every single one of ya'll that reads this knows i'm lying not only to ya'll but myself. But hey I figure if I lie to myself enough I'll eventually believe it. hmmmm here's something someone just told me "all you need to do is find you genious(sp), the place where everything changes" so i thought about it and asked him, "changes from what? good to bad? real to fake?" and his reply was "ya or vice versa"...so i thought about it and was like hmm ok well I was born into a family that had already begun a process of being fakely(if it wasn't a word before it is now) happy so I automatically began a fake process the first few seconds of life. Therefore making me think that what I have and where I am now is reality and maybe I just want it to be fake because I grew up with fakeness(again if it wasn't a word before it is now) and inturn want that fakeness back. If this is reality and what I knew before was fake, however, then in all reality everything I ever knew never really exsisted and was all just a part of a family's ability to paint on happy faces and live a life that to them was perfect and fairytaleish (ITS A WORD NOW!) but now that reality has set in the find themselves pondering wether that life was a fairytale at all or just a nightmare with a fairytale covering. That could possibly only make sense to me...and if it does thats fine too because I'm the only one it really needs to make sense to but if you do get it post a comment saying so, that way I know I'm not alone. Then again maybe I'm just contemplating it all too much.......
There is no way to describe how I feel or what today was all about. You know I'm starting to think I'll never know. I don't even know what I want to know. I just have this need to know something. I know I keep saying that I want to know whats wrong with me, but supposedly whats wrong with me is depression, suppresed feelings, and post traumatic stress syndrome(according to my old therapist). Whats it all mean? I don't know. Maybe I'm not supposed to. But you know, I'm Amy I'm always ok and I'm always happy. Cause nothing ever phaze's me. OK so every single one of ya'll that reads this knows i'm lying not only to ya'll but myself. But hey I figure if I lie to myself enough I'll eventually believe it. hmmmm here's something someone just told me "all you need to do is find you genious(sp), the place where everything changes" so i thought about it and asked him, "changes from what? good to bad? real to fake?" and his reply was "ya or vice versa"...so i thought about it and was like hmm ok well I was born into a family that had already begun a process of being fakely(if it wasn't a word before it is now) happy so I automatically began a fake process the first few seconds of life. Therefore making me think that what I have and where I am now is reality and maybe I just want it to be fake because I grew up with fakeness(again if it wasn't a word before it is now) and inturn want that fakeness back. If this is reality and what I knew before was fake, however, then in all reality everything I ever knew never really exsisted and was all just a part of a family's ability to paint on happy faces and live a life that to them was perfect and fairytaleish (ITS A WORD NOW!) but now that reality has set in the find themselves pondering wether that life was a fairytale at all or just a nightmare with a fairytale covering. That could possibly only make sense to me...and if it does thats fine too because I'm the only one it really needs to make sense to but if you do get it post a comment saying so, that way I know I'm not alone. Then again maybe I'm just contemplating it all too much.......