(no subject)
Normally I tend to stick to my journal but today I've decided to come back here. I'm in no mood to write right now and I have so much on my mind that I can't possibly ignore it. This past weekend was FL/GA. I spent 3 days in jax with amazing friends having the time of my life. We went to jax beach bars (i dont remember what the area even looks like), went to the jacuzzi till 6am, and spent all of saturday at the Landings drinking our lives away. It was definitely a great time. The most unexpected result of this weekend was talking to Colin about everything thats happened between us and sleeping with him again. Im not that shocked that we slept together, just a little...im more shocked at how amazing and out of this world our sex was. We literally went at it 5 or 6 times. I can't believe it, like im in shock at how insane it was. I'm also very upset because a couple days ago I really wouldn't of minded much the fact that Colin is leaving very soon to California to do what he loves
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I haven't written in a while here, and whats above is probably from right after FL/GA but watevs. I need a moment to say whats on my mind. I honestly don't have much running through right now, but I'm not tired since I took a nap right after dinner and am pretty much wide awake.
Today is Thanksgiving, well it was, and it kinda made me think about everything I have to be thankful for. I'm so thankful for my family. I hadn't seen my parents or my little sister in the last 3 1/2 months and being with them again made me realize how much I truly missed them. My parents have been so caring and every day I learn to appreciate them so much more for being the amazing people they are. They support me in my decisions and my future and I couldn't ask for much more. My little sister is absolutely adorable. She has grown so much! I know shes gonna be so much taller than me and I think its hilarious. She's only 9 years old and I swear shes probably grown 3 inches since August. Tomorrow I'm going to Santa's with her and I'm kinda excited. Growing up and the thought of being 22 in exactly 2 months makes me appreciate my family so much more. Everyone bitches and complains about how annoying their parents are, but once you get older all you can do is really appreciate them for all the sacrifices theyve made for you. My parents have done SO much for me...I really, REALLY couldn't of asked for better parents =]
So Colin and I had a serious convo through text. I know, stupid, but I couldn't find the guts to actually talk to him in person, or even the phone. I had so much to say and I needed to get it out before I started acting stupid with him. So we talked, and from our convo I pretty much gathered that we still have no idea what we're doing. I know I like him, I really do. He's shown to me that he can definitely be a pretty great guy but I know that this really isn't going anywhere. I have absolutely no idea how he feels about me. Yea I know he cares, but to what extent? You can like someone a little, or you can like them to the extent that you would move mountains for them. There are so many extremes and no one knows more about extremes than I do. I've gone from liking Colin a little bit in the beginning of the semester, to barely liking him a month ago, to really enjoying spending time with him and seriously developing feelings for him now. It leaves me so confused and with no idea what direction to go. Obviously, the only place this "thing" we have is going is straight to a dead end. I can only imagine a couple scenarios for us:
1. Our current situation: keep fucking and acting like we're together whenever he's in Gainesville. This means acting like just friends whenever we're both sober, then being totally adorable with each other when either one is feeling our drinks. Obviously, I can't do that anymore. The last time I did that with someone was with Matt, and yea I'm over everything with him but the insecurities that came with that relationship are kind of hard to forget. Who wants to feel like they only matter when the person they like is in an altered state of mind? No one. I don't let anyone get as close to me as Colin has lately and that says A LOT. That means my wall is slowly breaking itself down...and that kind of scares me. After experiencing the ultimate single life the entire beginning of this semester I'm so ready to be that girl that makes you smile just thinking about her, the one you miss because she's not waking up next to you, and the one you would tell your deepest fears to. I don't think I've ever felt like that girl but I'm ready to. I refuse to be in another pseudo relationship that matters only when its convenient. Its all or nothing.
2. We start dating officially, which means long distance. The one thing that pops up into my head whenever I think about this: MISSY. Missy is the girl Colin will always have a thing for and everyone can see it. HELL NO would I get with him when not only are they going to be living so close to each other, but working in the same office building! 10 bucks by the time I graduate they've fucked, or at least kissed. I mean, Missy was single for only a couple hours before Colin and her kissed. You can tell me it means nothing, and a year ago I would of been the stupid girl who would believe it without a doubt in my mind, but I'm not so stupid anymore. A kiss isn't just a kiss, especially when its between them two. I'll never forget telling Colin once that I thought he liked Missy, and then him not denying it at all. Theres something there, and there will always be.
3. We become just friends. We talk about all this and realize the best thing we can do is to stop fucking, kissing, cuddling, or do anything that resembles more than two people who just like to hang out together and talk. What does this scenario mean? This means I won't let someone in, I won't have my heart broken, and I won't expect anything more than "hello", "goodbye", or a friendly conversation.
Wow, so just typing and thinking about all this has made my decision so much more clear. Scenario #3 it definitely is. Colin, you're great and I'm sorry I treated you the way I did, but I won't allow myself to get caught up in a situation that can totally be avoided. When it comes to guys, I normaly always think about what they want to hear before I say how I feel. I'm done putting their feelings in front of mine. I'm all about looking out for myself now and making me happy.
I'm all about me now, and it feels great =]
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I haven't written in a while here, and whats above is probably from right after FL/GA but watevs. I need a moment to say whats on my mind. I honestly don't have much running through right now, but I'm not tired since I took a nap right after dinner and am pretty much wide awake.
Today is Thanksgiving, well it was, and it kinda made me think about everything I have to be thankful for. I'm so thankful for my family. I hadn't seen my parents or my little sister in the last 3 1/2 months and being with them again made me realize how much I truly missed them. My parents have been so caring and every day I learn to appreciate them so much more for being the amazing people they are. They support me in my decisions and my future and I couldn't ask for much more. My little sister is absolutely adorable. She has grown so much! I know shes gonna be so much taller than me and I think its hilarious. She's only 9 years old and I swear shes probably grown 3 inches since August. Tomorrow I'm going to Santa's with her and I'm kinda excited. Growing up and the thought of being 22 in exactly 2 months makes me appreciate my family so much more. Everyone bitches and complains about how annoying their parents are, but once you get older all you can do is really appreciate them for all the sacrifices theyve made for you. My parents have done SO much for me...I really, REALLY couldn't of asked for better parents =]
So Colin and I had a serious convo through text. I know, stupid, but I couldn't find the guts to actually talk to him in person, or even the phone. I had so much to say and I needed to get it out before I started acting stupid with him. So we talked, and from our convo I pretty much gathered that we still have no idea what we're doing. I know I like him, I really do. He's shown to me that he can definitely be a pretty great guy but I know that this really isn't going anywhere. I have absolutely no idea how he feels about me. Yea I know he cares, but to what extent? You can like someone a little, or you can like them to the extent that you would move mountains for them. There are so many extremes and no one knows more about extremes than I do. I've gone from liking Colin a little bit in the beginning of the semester, to barely liking him a month ago, to really enjoying spending time with him and seriously developing feelings for him now. It leaves me so confused and with no idea what direction to go. Obviously, the only place this "thing" we have is going is straight to a dead end. I can only imagine a couple scenarios for us:
1. Our current situation: keep fucking and acting like we're together whenever he's in Gainesville. This means acting like just friends whenever we're both sober, then being totally adorable with each other when either one is feeling our drinks. Obviously, I can't do that anymore. The last time I did that with someone was with Matt, and yea I'm over everything with him but the insecurities that came with that relationship are kind of hard to forget. Who wants to feel like they only matter when the person they like is in an altered state of mind? No one. I don't let anyone get as close to me as Colin has lately and that says A LOT. That means my wall is slowly breaking itself down...and that kind of scares me. After experiencing the ultimate single life the entire beginning of this semester I'm so ready to be that girl that makes you smile just thinking about her, the one you miss because she's not waking up next to you, and the one you would tell your deepest fears to. I don't think I've ever felt like that girl but I'm ready to. I refuse to be in another pseudo relationship that matters only when its convenient. Its all or nothing.
2. We start dating officially, which means long distance. The one thing that pops up into my head whenever I think about this: MISSY. Missy is the girl Colin will always have a thing for and everyone can see it. HELL NO would I get with him when not only are they going to be living so close to each other, but working in the same office building! 10 bucks by the time I graduate they've fucked, or at least kissed. I mean, Missy was single for only a couple hours before Colin and her kissed. You can tell me it means nothing, and a year ago I would of been the stupid girl who would believe it without a doubt in my mind, but I'm not so stupid anymore. A kiss isn't just a kiss, especially when its between them two. I'll never forget telling Colin once that I thought he liked Missy, and then him not denying it at all. Theres something there, and there will always be.
3. We become just friends. We talk about all this and realize the best thing we can do is to stop fucking, kissing, cuddling, or do anything that resembles more than two people who just like to hang out together and talk. What does this scenario mean? This means I won't let someone in, I won't have my heart broken, and I won't expect anything more than "hello", "goodbye", or a friendly conversation.
Wow, so just typing and thinking about all this has made my decision so much more clear. Scenario #3 it definitely is. Colin, you're great and I'm sorry I treated you the way I did, but I won't allow myself to get caught up in a situation that can totally be avoided. When it comes to guys, I normaly always think about what they want to hear before I say how I feel. I'm done putting their feelings in front of mine. I'm all about looking out for myself now and making me happy.
I'm all about me now, and it feels great =]