taking a break to post.
i'm studying right now, and thought i'd take a break to update... things have been crazy lately...
i'm down to my last week of classes.. and i think officially going crazy!... my mind is like on over drive..
plus.. and i really feel bad complaining about this.. but i kinda got elected to be in charge of a baby shower that.. well.. i dunno... i'm just not going to even go into it.. but it's stressing, and it's taking a lot of my energy. i'm stuck in the middle of two people who can't handle events like this. one freaks out and gets desperate and stresses over things unecessarily, and expects things to be done her way, and the other thinks she knows EVERYTHING and wants to do it her way, because it's the best way... and then there's me who knows what she's doing, is very practical.. and stuck trying to coordinate with these two.. and it's just all around frustrating for me.
i don't know if that made any sense... but trust me the situation barely makes any sense to me either.
so i'm dealing with that which is time consuming, plus school, studying for finals, writing term papers, preparing presentations...
and now cesar. he's starting to go to a phsychologist.. and i'm very happy for him, but he's demanding a lot of my energy, energy which i don't have at the moment to give. he expects me to whorship him now just because he's starting to get treatment. i hate to say it.. but he hasn't righted his wrongs just yet. gaining back that trust, and respect is going to be VERY HARD...
i'm still leaving.. i've got that on my mind right now too.. i'm trying to figure out how this is going to happen, i need to learn to dry a stick shift, a friend is going to lend me her car, and its a stick. plus, i need to figure out my job situation... plus i need to talk to my adopted fam and give them the whole story. when i talked to them it was just a "get to the point" talk. "i need to leave, can i stay with you?" "yes" "okay thanks." kinda thing... soo i've still got to sit down and talk with them...
plus i've got this trip to boston mixed in to this mess i have inside my head. which i'm sure it's going to be a very much needed break, but... i'm trying to work as much as possible so that i can save, so that i have money while i'm there... but i can't work all the hours available because i need to study.
my house.. i barely have time to wash laundry. and that i do at night, i throw the clothes in to wash, wake up throw them in the dryer and out the door.. forget about folding and putting them away.... my house is a wreck, and simply because I DON'T HAVE TIME! to do ANYTHING!
i'm going to bed late because i'm trying to do as much school work as possible, then i wake up early to take advantage of what little time i have, i study/write some more.. then take cesar to work, come home, work more on school work (or run any errand i need to), then go to work, to leave work running just to get stuck in traffic and get to my fist class 30 mins late... i'm in class until 10, where i then leave to go pick up cesar from work, and get home around 11, to do school work until 3ish, sleep, wake up around 8, to do it all over again...
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
plus people expect me to be social..
last night cesar pulled one of this 3 yr old hissy fits because at 11:30 i told him we needed to leave his parent's house, that i needed to study for this exam tomorrow (today).... and as we left he started in about how he thinks it was selfish on my part to not make a sacrifice and let him spend more time with his parents before they leave. -they leave on friday to go to canada for the summer, they won't be back until sept.- ... nevermind the fact that we got there at 7:30... never mind the fact that i told him i couldn't be there all night, that i needed to be home by at least 9:30/10:00 so that i could study before going to bed. (i had to read 5 chapters and review them, plus review the other 8 from the begining of the semester that will be on today's test/exam between yesterday and today)... we were there until 11:30... i ended up going to bed at like 3... just to wake up at 8 to read some more... all of this was selfish of me. because things didn't happen the way he wanted, he throws a fit... i'm sorry, but we're big boys and girls now, we have to realize that the world doesn't work the way we want it to, so we have to adapt and make changes and just accept it for what it is... grow up, the world doesn't revolve around you!
so then at home he tries to apologize and tells me that he's dealing with a problem that scares him. he's afraid to not have his parents. like afraid to be without them... umm.. okay i understand that, but that's no reason to throw the blame on me... that's no reason for you to scream at me i in the car. that's no reason for you to call me selfish. just because you have an internal problem doesn't mean it has to be my problem too. i've got my own set i'm dealing with. deal with yours, and don't make them out to be mine too. he didn't like that so much, but what can i say, it's the truth.
then all he wanted to do was kiss me and hug me.. and be all over me and ugh.. i hate that. i dont want to kiss him, i don't want to hug him.. i'd be so much happier if he just didn't touch me at all, especially after an argument when i'm mad at him. but i feel obligated to because.. i'm his wife. (or as he puts it, he's my husband and i don't let him touch me) because well, i'm like that.
so then there's this guilt. i feel like i'm going to pull the rug out from under his feet when i leave. i'm kinda like keeping the peace, but at the same time trying to keep my distance (emotionally) for my own protection... honestly, i can't wait to get out of this.
i don't know what's going to happen, i just know i need a break at least. i need some time to concentrate on me, and figure myself out. and i think he does too. whether he realizes it or not.
i'll just be gald when this month is over, and june gets here.
i'm sure things will get better, but i can't wait until they do..
okay time to get ready for work...
at least i like my job. that's one good thing.
i'm down to my last week of classes.. and i think officially going crazy!... my mind is like on over drive..
plus.. and i really feel bad complaining about this.. but i kinda got elected to be in charge of a baby shower that.. well.. i dunno... i'm just not going to even go into it.. but it's stressing, and it's taking a lot of my energy. i'm stuck in the middle of two people who can't handle events like this. one freaks out and gets desperate and stresses over things unecessarily, and expects things to be done her way, and the other thinks she knows EVERYTHING and wants to do it her way, because it's the best way... and then there's me who knows what she's doing, is very practical.. and stuck trying to coordinate with these two.. and it's just all around frustrating for me.
i don't know if that made any sense... but trust me the situation barely makes any sense to me either.
so i'm dealing with that which is time consuming, plus school, studying for finals, writing term papers, preparing presentations...
and now cesar. he's starting to go to a phsychologist.. and i'm very happy for him, but he's demanding a lot of my energy, energy which i don't have at the moment to give. he expects me to whorship him now just because he's starting to get treatment. i hate to say it.. but he hasn't righted his wrongs just yet. gaining back that trust, and respect is going to be VERY HARD...
i'm still leaving.. i've got that on my mind right now too.. i'm trying to figure out how this is going to happen, i need to learn to dry a stick shift, a friend is going to lend me her car, and its a stick. plus, i need to figure out my job situation... plus i need to talk to my adopted fam and give them the whole story. when i talked to them it was just a "get to the point" talk. "i need to leave, can i stay with you?" "yes" "okay thanks." kinda thing... soo i've still got to sit down and talk with them...
plus i've got this trip to boston mixed in to this mess i have inside my head. which i'm sure it's going to be a very much needed break, but... i'm trying to work as much as possible so that i can save, so that i have money while i'm there... but i can't work all the hours available because i need to study.
my house.. i barely have time to wash laundry. and that i do at night, i throw the clothes in to wash, wake up throw them in the dryer and out the door.. forget about folding and putting them away.... my house is a wreck, and simply because I DON'T HAVE TIME! to do ANYTHING!
i'm going to bed late because i'm trying to do as much school work as possible, then i wake up early to take advantage of what little time i have, i study/write some more.. then take cesar to work, come home, work more on school work (or run any errand i need to), then go to work, to leave work running just to get stuck in traffic and get to my fist class 30 mins late... i'm in class until 10, where i then leave to go pick up cesar from work, and get home around 11, to do school work until 3ish, sleep, wake up around 8, to do it all over again...
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
plus people expect me to be social..
last night cesar pulled one of this 3 yr old hissy fits because at 11:30 i told him we needed to leave his parent's house, that i needed to study for this exam tomorrow (today).... and as we left he started in about how he thinks it was selfish on my part to not make a sacrifice and let him spend more time with his parents before they leave. -they leave on friday to go to canada for the summer, they won't be back until sept.- ... nevermind the fact that we got there at 7:30... never mind the fact that i told him i couldn't be there all night, that i needed to be home by at least 9:30/10:00 so that i could study before going to bed. (i had to read 5 chapters and review them, plus review the other 8 from the begining of the semester that will be on today's test/exam between yesterday and today)... we were there until 11:30... i ended up going to bed at like 3... just to wake up at 8 to read some more... all of this was selfish of me. because things didn't happen the way he wanted, he throws a fit... i'm sorry, but we're big boys and girls now, we have to realize that the world doesn't work the way we want it to, so we have to adapt and make changes and just accept it for what it is... grow up, the world doesn't revolve around you!
so then at home he tries to apologize and tells me that he's dealing with a problem that scares him. he's afraid to not have his parents. like afraid to be without them... umm.. okay i understand that, but that's no reason to throw the blame on me... that's no reason for you to scream at me i in the car. that's no reason for you to call me selfish. just because you have an internal problem doesn't mean it has to be my problem too. i've got my own set i'm dealing with. deal with yours, and don't make them out to be mine too. he didn't like that so much, but what can i say, it's the truth.
then all he wanted to do was kiss me and hug me.. and be all over me and ugh.. i hate that. i dont want to kiss him, i don't want to hug him.. i'd be so much happier if he just didn't touch me at all, especially after an argument when i'm mad at him. but i feel obligated to because.. i'm his wife. (or as he puts it, he's my husband and i don't let him touch me) because well, i'm like that.
so then there's this guilt. i feel like i'm going to pull the rug out from under his feet when i leave. i'm kinda like keeping the peace, but at the same time trying to keep my distance (emotionally) for my own protection... honestly, i can't wait to get out of this.
i don't know what's going to happen, i just know i need a break at least. i need some time to concentrate on me, and figure myself out. and i think he does too. whether he realizes it or not.
i'll just be gald when this month is over, and june gets here.
i'm sure things will get better, but i can't wait until they do..
okay time to get ready for work...
at least i like my job. that's one good thing.