different writings of mine
I open up another bottle, because I’m not numb enough to forget her yet. The thoughts of everything have all but escaped me tonight. Vivid memories seem to be the theme in my mind this evening. I can still see the perfection of her incredibly flawless beauty. The sound of her soft whispery breath echoes inside me. I can smell the shampoo in her hair as if it were still pressed softly against my cheek. The taste of her sweet lips pressed gently yet tightly against my mouth seems to linger. Perhaps the most familiar memory consuming me tonight is the feel of her body as she let it dissolve into mine. It all seems so real tonight. I open up another bottle, because I’m not numb enough to forget her yet. What upsets me the most is how damn happy these thoughts can make me while they tear me apart and belittle me into nothingness; how much it fucking kills me inside, yet through the tears I am smiling. Every time her name floats into mind I can see her there forever, knowing full well that she is no where to be found. What’s really killing me tonight though, what really eats away at my insides, is how much I believed every promise she ever uttered knowing full well that her words were only words. I open up another bottle, because I’m not numb enough to forget her yet.
HEAL
too numb to even feel
no one belives in me
its too late to try and heal
the shattered soul you can not see
SAKE
these chains i can not break
the pain is more than i can take
an escape i can not make
death would be for my own sake
LIES
i gave you my heart
you ripped it apart
i cant find you anywhere
you no longer care
looking at all the lies i see
starting with your love for me
REST
in the middle of the night
i wake to this fright
your no longer there
the pain i can not bear
i plunge this knife into my chest
i just need some time to rest
ice cold eyes
stare back at me
my throat swells up
i can not scream
my heart races
i want to cry
i need help
i cant wake up
this isnt a dream
you make me feel dirty
you make me feel used
im so confused
i dont know what to do
im completely lost now
sitting inside my mind
all by myself
nothing left to comfort me
my innocence is gone
the only thing left
to keep me company
violent memories
standing there so intoxicating
to call you beautiful would be degrading
your amazingness ignites my heart
ive wanted you from the start
you have yet to make a sound
my heart already starts to pound
your lips part as you begin to speak
its your love that i am out to seak
you always seem to simply glow
my nervousness is starting to show
stareing at you sparks excitement
you just sit there so damn content
im falling, falling fast for you
i hope that you can fall for me too
sunshine fades into rain
the energy begins to drain
the pounds add up and multiply
failing at every diet you try
your clothing seems to get tighter
stopping at nothing to be lighter
trying to escape from the trap
something inside you seems to snap
consuming everything that you see
into the bathroom to seek refugee
onto your knees staring into the bowl
vomiting up your food and your soul
out of the bathroom and feeling strong
knowing the pounds wont last long
never give up, it isn't worth it
everyone wants their clothes to fit
soon enough you will be thin
soon enough you will win
I put the blade to my wrist
I start to twitch.
The feelings control me
You’re all I can see
Its just too much to bear
my love on the sleeve that I wear
your name on my tongue
the phone has just rung
I can’t do this today
praying for another way
your voice is so calm
you don’t see the blade in my palm
I tell you I cant talk
I am going for a walk
the line goes dead
your beauty in my head
preparing to die
I try not to cry
knowing that I failed
from the moment that I sailed
the knife goes in and down my arm
the time has come to turn off the charm
my body hits the cold hard floor
in the room that I cant see anymore
out of nowhere I am aware
all the actions start to scare
life begins to fade away
I will never see another day
----The feelings become all consuming. I didn't mean to fall so hard this fast. I didn't mean to be mezmerized by such a woman i could so easily refer to as a stranger. i never meant to take such a liking to someone i couldnt possibly ever call my own. what my intentions were don't seem to matter at this point due to the inevidible reality of this being where i am. whether is is a majestically blissful heaven, or a firey brimestone hell, this is where i am. my body freezes and tightens as my face starts to burn like magna everytime she mentions her. it seems as though the other girl is all she ever thinks of. it kills me inside. does she not know how i feel? or am i just too invisible to matter?i see them kiss, and i carry on.----
The beauty that lies in your eyes captures my soul. I am petrified in your presence. To take a step forward would surely be a plunge into uncharted waters. To not give what I feel a fighting chance would be nothing shy of foolish. Your very existence makes me question the human race as a whole. Has humanity fallen so low, or has a true angel slipped through the all creator’s fingers and landed here on earth and into my mind? Perfection is a non-existent goal that we all strive to fill. You are my perfection. Alas, the bottom of yet another bottle. The throbbing has yet to stop tonight. I can never tell if the throbbing is what keeps me moving forward or if it is the kryptonite to my superman cover. I swear on the life of me I can taste your lingering lips, though I have never had the eternally fulfilling satisfaction of your lips brushing against mine in the flesh. I want you so much more than you will ever know, and I’m absolutely terrified that it may never be so. I believe I may be more terrified of the possibility of having you. I’ll never be capable of throughly explaining the way you make my heart race and stop at the same time. So many times have I day dreamed of being your prince. Sweeping you off of your feet. I fear this isn’t possible; being near you leaves me vulnerable, unsheltered, and weak. Never before have I allowed myself to be so unprotected. Somehow it manages to make me feel stronger.
Gender freak
Growing up an outcast in their eyes
Everone seems to care so damn much
Not many know the battle it brings forth
Dancing around society's ideal being
Emptiness makes me incomplete
Refugee feels like a fantasy
Forced to lie to be who i am
Rescueing myself; its my only chance
Escaping the normal for a life as me
Acting a part i'll never quite be
Keeping my sanity; i know who i am
by:chris savage
i whisper when you cant hear me
i scream when your not there
i sink when youve just dried off
i stumble when your ahead
i cry when your shoulders are being used
i need a hug when your arms are full
i need you now when its too late
the door is closed my heart is torn
the pain stings and swells
the tears seem to pour like fountains
my soul is empty without you here
my life is cold and full of fear
you left me here all on my own
but your still here you never went
i wish you could hear my yell
i wish you could see me right in front of you
but things have changed
its not the same
we've grown apart
we've drifted away
Pretty, popular, and thin,
This girl has it all.
If she asks any guy,
She'll have a ride to the mall.
All the guys say they love her.
Her list of friends has no end.
But she has a bad self image.
That's something she needs to mend.
She always says she's fat.
She wants to be thinner.
She makes herself vomit,
After breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
She goes to the mall,
With her very best friend.
Then she feels kind of queasy,
Like its all going to end.
She wakes in a hospital..
She’s feeling really bad.
She looks to her left,
And she sees her mom and dad.
Her mother is crying.
Her father looks sad.
He asks her why she threw away,
All that she once had.
Finally someone lets her know,
What has happened to her.
She has had a heart attack,
It's weird for this to occur.
They give her some food,
She decides to refuse,
They say that she’s crazy,
And they feed her through tubes.
She rips the tubes out,
And she starts to bleed.
That night she dies in her sleep,
Her disorder does its deed.
She wanted to lose weight,
But that’s not all she lost.
She lost her life,
At last, thinness comes at a cost.
What doesnt kill you
leaves you in pain
and emotionally scarred for life
yeah, maybe it makes you stronger
but that doesnt take away the pain
the tourture
the emptiness you now feel
what doesnt kill you
can be so much worse than what does
none of your newfound strength
can erase what happened
take away the memories
heal the wounds you have recieved
it may make it easier to deal with
but it doesnt take any of it back
what doesnt kill you
can send your mind to hell all the same
as you sit there all alone
trying to make it go away
as it throbs in your mind
the feelings wont subside
you are alone
no matter how strong you are,
it still hurts to be alone
what doesnt kill you
doesnt make the rest of your life
a walk in the park
he still raped you
she still left you
they still disowned you
you still lost it all
because they found out
what doesnt kill you
can make it all seem meaningless
can make you seem worthless
can make you feel weak
no matter what amazing lesson
you learned from it all
at the end of the day
the tears come anyway
what doesnt kill you
may make you wish it had......
-x-chris
sugar coated childhood
never trully understood
all mixed up in a blender
no one here to be the mender
soaking wet from all the rain
cant seem to ever ease the pain
everythng is not the same
if only this was just a game....
life is so overrated
the evil has me intoxicated
i scream so loud inside my head
i never forget what you said
tangled up in my own mind
somehow i was left behind
i know that i was not pure
but in the end there is no cure
i sit alone in my room
it might as well be my tomb
as i lay, i scream and yell
because now my life is truelly hell
IN EACHOTHER'S ARMS
sitting alone on my bed
i'm thinking of you
i think of what it must be like
to look deep into your eyes
i wonder how it feels
to be held in your arms
i lay back on my bed slowly
lifting my hand to my face
touching my fingertips on my lips softly
longing to feel your lips
pressed against mine
i try to imagine
what you would say
if you were lying next to me
i turn onto my side
and wrap an arm around my pillow
trying to feel your arm around my waist
i close my eyes tightly
trying to make you be here
i try to feel you
i want to know what its like
i want to feel how it feels
to make love with you for hours
then to lay there with you
our fingers laced together
our hearts beating our lungs breathing
in perfect unison
i long for my body to be curled next to yours
i want to taste the words as i whisper
"i love you baby, so much"
as we fall asleep
in eachother's arms
My stomach was doing backfilps as I knocked on the front door. The opportunity to see her in the flesh for the first time was enough to drive me insane. I stood there a moment, waiting for the door to swing open and expose her handsome face not more than a foot away from mine. When it finally happened, all I could smell was the faint trace of her musky cologne. She looked gorgeous. Absolutely gorgeous. From toe to head: she was wearing these black boots, inforcing power and authority.Loosely fit black dress pants, the woman had style. The exposed band of a pair of silky red boxers, she was thinking exaclty what I was. A black wife beater with a unbuttoned white over-shirt, my God, it looked amazing. A necklace, a symbol I do not know the meaning of, falling on her chest, displaying, announcing really, that she was not wearing a bra. This was going to be a very eventful evening.
middle school By:me
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Middle school. Enough said there, right? Let's face a few facts here:first off, nobody really enjoys their middle school years. We all forced ourselves to show up and used every coping method we could think of to get us through another day in Hell, waiting for the angelic last bell to ring and dismis us, giving us a small slice of sanity before we had to do it all again. All of those stories the adults would tell you about back in their day when there was a rainbow over the world and how you should enjoy every second of youth, just the way they had... You knew they were lying! They had to be. How could something so painfully numbing for you be so magically blissful for someone else? At least, thats how it was for me.
It didn't start out so bad. Fifth grade wasn't so terrible. I managed to get good grades. I mostly kept to my own. I was the freak girl. I guess that title really has never left me. That year I didnt have any friends. I didn't even have very many aquaintences. People didn't like me. I was strange. I was a girl with short hair and i did weird things. Not paste eating weird. More like answering questions weird. I kept myself from loosing my composure and falling into peices of nothingness by maintaining good grades running cross country. I was never fast, but it gave me something to do; something to smile about occasionally.
Next came sixth grade. I still had, as my mom calls it, my little drummer boy haircut, but now I had something cool. I had started to develop breasts. Yes! Bras for freak girl at last! I had a couple of friends this year, but not many. I was still an outcast. Not too many huge milestones happened this year. I still ran cross country, but my grades were slipping. A girl who was bigger than me called me bulimic because i was smaller and she was jealous. That had a huge affect later in life. I also started my very first period that year. On the bus ride to sixth grade camp...talk about a week in bloody hell.
Moving on to seventh grade. The scary seventh. The year i lost it all. The only good that came out of that year was a valuble lesson in the meaning of life and self worth. Things spirraled out of control way too fast that year. I had a million silent cries for help that no one could hear. I was officailly invisable. I became exhausted and full of pain. Numbing, throbbing, waves of pain. I started staying up to three or four in the morning, sitting in the dark corners of my room, crying. My grades plummited downwards. I stopped running for cross country. I stopped running for my life. I gave up. I hated myself. I hated the way i thought. I hated the way I looked, and dressed, and talked and walked. I hated me. I hated being me. I started doing really unhealthy things to my body. I was anorexic. i was randomly popping pills and drinking rubbing alchohal, paroxide, bleach. i was self mutilating, every way i could think of...cutting bruising burning pulling out my hair.... if you can think of it i did it. It's not that I wanted to die, its that I didn't care if I did. More towards the end of the year, when my hair was longer and I looked a little better, I started dating guys like candy, trying to ease a little bit of the pain.
Finally that year ended, releasing me from its imprisonment, and hading me over to the wrath of eigth grade. Eigth grade was interesting to say the least. I got rid of a lot of unheathy habits, and picked up a few new ones. I found some new substances to abuse. instead of just cutting, i would carve, because then it was cool. I also stopped starving myself, and started puking instead. I had friends though, and people like me.You either loved me or hated me becasue I did innapropriate things with guys, thinking it would make me feel good about myself...and on occasion it was your boyfriend i was messing with. This year had quite a few rock bottom moments. The first one would have to be the wake up call of my parents finding all the pills stashed inside one of my teddy bears. My grandpa died that year. That really hurt. He meant so much to me. Shortly after his death, I got wrongly accused of messing with the wrong guy, and lost the majority of my friends.
Now let me bring you up to date. Life hasn't been a bowl of cherries sence then, and I may be far from squeeky clean, but after getting the help I desprately needed, I've gotten myself so much closer to the right track. I finally came out as the real me. I stopped running and hiding and started letting my true colors show. Above all, to be honest here with you, I even started allowing myself to like being me.