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[kisstheirishgal]

i feel pretty down right now.  not sure why.  last night was not a very good night.

why is it that despite constant forgiveness from God, we still screw up?  we go right back to those things that we know we dont need.  its  a weakness.  its pathetic.  i hate that i follow the status quo.  i want to be above my own fucking sin, thank you very much.

i

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[kisstheirishgal]

thats the thing though- he has no power over me anymore. i love kevin and i would rather be with him for like a 100 years than with justin for a minute. but i still think that i can help him somehow. i know that doesnt make sense... he just needs help from someone who isn't just out to get a quick fuck. maybe i am just being naive, but i really just feel like i could help him somehow.

oh gosh though he grosses me out. hes working at ihop now... how sad. travis and him are both just wasting their lives! its so dumb. they are actually good guys and they cant see that because theyre insecure and they just ignore the good things that could happen to them.

i know you are looking out for me. i love you so much for that. but my little insecure "partying" days are over too. i need to stop being so selfish thinking that its okay that i do things because they make me feel good for a night- and realize that i am being scrutinized and watched as a witness to my faith. i just need to try something new with this. i need to approach the situation differently. if it still doesnt work, and it probably wont, then i will back off. i just need to know that i tried.

i love you so much. i am happy. i promise. i was just sad last night cuz i was tired and i was disappointed with myself.

x o x o