(no subject)
I was outbid for pol sc. Wth why're there sooooo many pple wanting to take up pol sc this sem? The min bid was even higher than for jap studies or even socio - 283. Wtf??!!!?? I'm gonna try to appeal.. sigh.
And i've to start buying my school textbooks soon. My mom just told me to go and borrow money to buy them. WTF. I'm prob gonna be in debt the next 10 years of my life and no, there's no such loan for buying textbooks. Which can amount up to a few hundred dollars. I feel so much resentment towards my mom cuz she invested so much time and money into my sisters' education (not just money for uni textbooks, but also for hostel accomodation, pocket money etc etc) but when it comes to me, she just "hopes" for my selfish sisters to pay me through and doesn't bother giving anything. I know it's not entirely my mom's fault - she used to be employed but not anymore, and she doesn't get much appreciation from my sisters for her efforts - but it's partly her to blame for our family to be so hostile and unhelpful anyways, how can she expect my sisters to help me through? I can just feel my sisters' irritated glances shot at me whenever my parents try to persuade them in funding my uni education, like i'm such a huge fucking burden. Haha can't my parents see that it's useless. THEY on the other had held this huge stupid debate last year on how we should split up the costs of contribution to our parents. And the whole process and rationale of the debate was unsurprisingly stupid. Details went into having/not having to pay for bank loans (with the rebuttal of how my second sis ploughed her way through to get a scholarship while we didn't), and even into the extent of grandeur of my parents' funerals. And i'm so sick of having to be the only one who can somehow see things a different way. But it's just wishful thinking to have things be a different way - it's so ingrained in each other's heads that the other member(s) is/are trying to bring ourselves down, that it's natural to just fend for ourselves. Fend for ourselves when parents aren't the reliable support we thought they should be, fend for ourselves when the other 2 sisters bring us down.
I'm sick of trying to understand other members' perspectives. Like when the hell do they bother understanding mine anyway since they're so busy defending their poor plights.
And i guess it's unfair that my mom bears the brunt of resentment - after all, she seems to be the only one trying to keep us going - it's just that WHY did she give so much excess to my sisters and when it comes to me, she gives nothing? And she instilled so much antagonism into us. And the frustration boils so frustratingly much.. and my mom says that it's unfair to HER, that compared to us her life is much worse. And yeah that's true.. but why did u give my sisters so much more? Don't u have a CHOICE to make ur life better? Does ur bitterness cause u to just NOT take action to make ur life better? And sometimes i'm afraid i take after u in that; i could be so self-destructive, so bitter sometimes that i turn people off with my pessimism and foulness. Matrophobia - haha. I just hope it's controllable with awareness. :(
After everything, i guess i'm selfish, too. Better than my sisters, sure, in particular my second sis and my oldest sis is just blind and apathetic and in her own world - but i guess i ought to remind myself that my life IS better than my mom's. And prob better than people like.. one of my ex-classmates-whom-i-shall-not-name here. There's always someone worse off than u. Yeah... i get REALLY REALLY irritated when people who're better off than me complain abt their plights; so i guess i should just be aware of those worse off than me.
I just want to get through my present plight though. :( Leading a poor life is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
And i've to start buying my school textbooks soon. My mom just told me to go and borrow money to buy them. WTF. I'm prob gonna be in debt the next 10 years of my life and no, there's no such loan for buying textbooks. Which can amount up to a few hundred dollars. I feel so much resentment towards my mom cuz she invested so much time and money into my sisters' education (not just money for uni textbooks, but also for hostel accomodation, pocket money etc etc) but when it comes to me, she just "hopes" for my selfish sisters to pay me through and doesn't bother giving anything. I know it's not entirely my mom's fault - she used to be employed but not anymore, and she doesn't get much appreciation from my sisters for her efforts - but it's partly her to blame for our family to be so hostile and unhelpful anyways, how can she expect my sisters to help me through? I can just feel my sisters' irritated glances shot at me whenever my parents try to persuade them in funding my uni education, like i'm such a huge fucking burden. Haha can't my parents see that it's useless. THEY on the other had held this huge stupid debate last year on how we should split up the costs of contribution to our parents. And the whole process and rationale of the debate was unsurprisingly stupid. Details went into having/not having to pay for bank loans (with the rebuttal of how my second sis ploughed her way through to get a scholarship while we didn't), and even into the extent of grandeur of my parents' funerals. And i'm so sick of having to be the only one who can somehow see things a different way. But it's just wishful thinking to have things be a different way - it's so ingrained in each other's heads that the other member(s) is/are trying to bring ourselves down, that it's natural to just fend for ourselves. Fend for ourselves when parents aren't the reliable support we thought they should be, fend for ourselves when the other 2 sisters bring us down.
I'm sick of trying to understand other members' perspectives. Like when the hell do they bother understanding mine anyway since they're so busy defending their poor plights.
And i guess it's unfair that my mom bears the brunt of resentment - after all, she seems to be the only one trying to keep us going - it's just that WHY did she give so much excess to my sisters and when it comes to me, she gives nothing? And she instilled so much antagonism into us. And the frustration boils so frustratingly much.. and my mom says that it's unfair to HER, that compared to us her life is much worse. And yeah that's true.. but why did u give my sisters so much more? Don't u have a CHOICE to make ur life better? Does ur bitterness cause u to just NOT take action to make ur life better? And sometimes i'm afraid i take after u in that; i could be so self-destructive, so bitter sometimes that i turn people off with my pessimism and foulness. Matrophobia - haha. I just hope it's controllable with awareness. :(
After everything, i guess i'm selfish, too. Better than my sisters, sure, in particular my second sis and my oldest sis is just blind and apathetic and in her own world - but i guess i ought to remind myself that my life IS better than my mom's. And prob better than people like.. one of my ex-classmates-whom-i-shall-not-name here. There's always someone worse off than u. Yeah... i get REALLY REALLY irritated when people who're better off than me complain abt their plights; so i guess i should just be aware of those worse off than me.
I just want to get through my present plight though. :( Leading a poor life is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.