(no subject)
There should come a point where her words don't sting anymore; don't evoke such negative feelings (fear, disgust, anger etc) in me anymore. I'm a grown adult, not a child to be pointed fingers at.
Granted, moving out from her has only made my life better - the shroud of fear of coming home everyday has lifted. Instead I look forward to coming home everyday, to a warm and loving cocoon shared with someone I love and who loves me. I'm grateful and happy to have him in my life and today marks our 4th year together :) No more intense fear and hatred stemming from living with her.
Yet her calls are often; the traces of her in my life linger. Her questionings and accusations of me and how I lead my life. How I block her on facebook. How I allow everyone in my life but her. Her calls could spoil my entire mood and my friends can tell this. Christian can tell this. He tells me not to take her words too personally and not to be upset... But sometimes it's easier said than done.
One may think: what about sympathy? She lives all alone now and must feel lonely sometimes. Well i used to feel sorry for her and tried to care for her - something she recognised and threw a big embarrassing fuss over in front of relatives. But only to take out and throw in my face later, accusing me of being a hypocrite and only being nice to spy for my dad. Like wtf. So i tell myself: no more of that and no more of letting myself be hurt. Perhaps it's my defence mechanism closing myself from her but it works. Besides, it's not that i close off completely and i'm still there (albeit infrequently). But I draw boundaries.
Recently talked with a friend who felt that maybe she isn't suited for a relationship because of the negativity in her family. And I feel so strongly against this - true, a family's influence is powerful. One may feel hardened against the world; learn a survival mode way of life. But I believe there are still opportunites for us to love, to learn to love... and perhaps that has to first stem from ourselves. That's a lesson I take strongly from Buddhism, which was incidentally also an instigator for my break-up in a previous damaging relationship. I've learnt that when one respects oneself enough, one learns to make choices and decisions that are good to oneself. Like choosing someone who loves you for who you are instead of judging you because of who your mother is. And that's why loving kindness meditation can be so powerful.
Recently I attended a conference on mindfulness thanks to karen's recommendation. And I've come to catch moments of myself where annoyances and irritation arise... I guess just being aware of that helps. Taking a step back from my thoughts and distancing myself from my thoughts; not getting too caught up and embroiled in it. Accepting them for what they are but not letting them influence who I am.
It's my life afterall, not hers.
And if I choose to meet my dad, or to stay in touch with my dad, it's not any of her fucking business.
Granted, moving out from her has only made my life better - the shroud of fear of coming home everyday has lifted. Instead I look forward to coming home everyday, to a warm and loving cocoon shared with someone I love and who loves me. I'm grateful and happy to have him in my life and today marks our 4th year together :) No more intense fear and hatred stemming from living with her.
Yet her calls are often; the traces of her in my life linger. Her questionings and accusations of me and how I lead my life. How I block her on facebook. How I allow everyone in my life but her. Her calls could spoil my entire mood and my friends can tell this. Christian can tell this. He tells me not to take her words too personally and not to be upset... But sometimes it's easier said than done.
One may think: what about sympathy? She lives all alone now and must feel lonely sometimes. Well i used to feel sorry for her and tried to care for her - something she recognised and threw a big embarrassing fuss over in front of relatives. But only to take out and throw in my face later, accusing me of being a hypocrite and only being nice to spy for my dad. Like wtf. So i tell myself: no more of that and no more of letting myself be hurt. Perhaps it's my defence mechanism closing myself from her but it works. Besides, it's not that i close off completely and i'm still there (albeit infrequently). But I draw boundaries.
Recently talked with a friend who felt that maybe she isn't suited for a relationship because of the negativity in her family. And I feel so strongly against this - true, a family's influence is powerful. One may feel hardened against the world; learn a survival mode way of life. But I believe there are still opportunites for us to love, to learn to love... and perhaps that has to first stem from ourselves. That's a lesson I take strongly from Buddhism, which was incidentally also an instigator for my break-up in a previous damaging relationship. I've learnt that when one respects oneself enough, one learns to make choices and decisions that are good to oneself. Like choosing someone who loves you for who you are instead of judging you because of who your mother is. And that's why loving kindness meditation can be so powerful.
Recently I attended a conference on mindfulness thanks to karen's recommendation. And I've come to catch moments of myself where annoyances and irritation arise... I guess just being aware of that helps. Taking a step back from my thoughts and distancing myself from my thoughts; not getting too caught up and embroiled in it. Accepting them for what they are but not letting them influence who I am.
It's my life afterall, not hers.
And if I choose to meet my dad, or to stay in touch with my dad, it's not any of her fucking business.